Back Again

[Cee123]

Hi guys, just want to say hi again. I'm back again. I think it was around the time I had my birthday and I turned 35. Anyways, nothing's changed as I said. I am still as hopeless as ever.

Here's a few things about me. I am still jobless, unable to get a job anywhere (due to longterm unemployment), unable to work due to my mental condition and don't know what to do with my life. I still live at home. I am still single, unwanted and childless (I dont think that will change, sadly). I am still socially isolated, with no friends. All my friends are gone from my life. I am STILL suffering from depression and anxiety, been unable to work, still. I am still on medication. I was cut off from Centrelink because I went through a really depressed period this winter where I couldn't get out of bed and I couldn't function at all. And this Spring has felt like a continuation of winter. I have NO social life.

Basically, Centrelink referred me to a Disability Employment Services. However, I went through a really low patch where I was feeling really crappy. Both about myself and my life. I didn't get out of bed. I couldn't even do the one thing that's been helping my mental health and that's gardening because the weather has been nearly constantly terrible. I stopped answering my phone, they were trying to contact me by mail, but I had no motivation to do anything. My depression has been really bad. I have no purpose in my life. I have never been married, never even been in a real relationship before. No one has ever wanted me. My friends have all abandoned me years ago before things even turned to crap in my life.

I was going to the gym. But I stopped that too. When the lockdown hit, I didn't go there for 2 weeks. Then we had to wear masks there. I went after that. But then I lost all my motivation to go anymore. I started going only once a week, then it was once every 2 weeks, now I haven't been for nearly a month. All I do these days is lay in bed. I feel like I've lost in this life. I don't even know how I ended up so alone. I have no one to talk to each day. I have no one to hang out with. I am so painfully lonely and isolated. I am in an online relationship but all she does is abuse me. I tried online dating sites, but nobody is ever interested in me and I never found anyone I liked. I feel so lonely in my life.

[Isabella_]

It's sad that people don't ever know what's truly going on, even people you consider close friends or family.

Why would your girlfriend be angry at you for opening up on here? Why would she have that right to judge you, or be mad at you for reaching out for help?

[Cee123]

They do know what's going on, they do know that I suffer from depression, they just don't care. People can talk about me, but they won't talk to me to my face. They will never ask me how I'm doing or anything, they only avoid me and talk about me behind my back. I've given up.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Cee123,

Thank you for updating us. We’re sorry to hear you’re feeling like giving up. That must be incredibly difficult. No one should have to feel alone through this.

We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking it through and working out options for more support. 

We’d really recommend checking out the Beyond Blue safety planning app if you haven’t already. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Thanks again for sharing here and keeping us updated on your thread. It’s good to hear that you use writing and music as an outlet. Is this something you’ve been keeping up with recently?

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Isabella_]

It's not fair. I understand that the constant lack of support from people around you has made you lost hope.

I haven't heard from you in a little bit.. How have you been in the last few days? What have they been like for you?

I'm sorry that I don't have the answers or have the right things to say, but I care and I'm here to listen.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Cee123,

I thought I would pop in and say hello as well. I read all of your posts and I think you'd be surprised how much of it all I can relate to. I imagine that it feels really lonely for you not having anyone you can really talk to, but there's other people who are going through similar things too. You've also talked about people giving up on you, but Isabella_ and Sophie_M hasn't. That's important.

I'm glad you've been able to find ways to cope over the years despite not getting much help from therapists; whether that's the writing that you did, a bit of housework or some showers and fresh air. It all counts.

rt

[Cee123]

Thanks for your reply Isabella. I'm sorry I didnt reply sooner. I've just been keeping myself busy. Yeah I've thought about seeing another doctor. This one has tried to help me, but I think, like everyone else, he has given up on me too. Not even sure what to do anymore. Since I've been back on medication, I've been a little better. I went off them for a week, and I went into a really dark place emotionally. I wanted to end my life. I told the doctor that. I even spoke to a helpline councelor once and halfway through the conversation they disappeared... I was like "hello? Are you still there?". Got no response. So I hung up.

I'm doing ok. I think. But I can't find a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. I just get up more out of obligation. Hope you're doing ok. I'm alright I think. But I'm having one of my off days. Last night I kept the TV on again for company, tossing and turning. Today I woke up feeling like garbage.

[Isabella_]

Hi Cee,

Don't apologise - the forums are only here for when you want to share. I'm glad to hear you're keeping yourself busy.

That's awful that you were disconnected while talking to a counsellor.. Perhaps it had cut out halfway. Regardless of the circumstances, I imagine it would've been very hurtful and discouraging after making the decision to talk to someone on the phone. I wouldn't be surprised if you're hesitant to call again based on what you went through. Calling is a decision that takes a lot of willpower, and I'm really glad you did it. I'm sorry it didn't work out that time, but I hope that you can consider them an option when you feel you need them.

You mentioned in an earlier post that you believe your doctor has lost patience with you because you weren't able to follow through with a mental health plan.. Are you comfortable sharing about that?

I can see that you're in a lot of pain and everything is feeling like a chore. Again, please don't apologise for not responding.. We're here whenever you need us. I'm proud of you for taking things one day at a time.

I hope today is looking better for you. ❤️

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Cee123,

I read all of your posts. There has been a lot of bad and negative things happening in your life so I thought I might try to pinpoint those that are the opposite. Sometimes, when we feel so awful it is nearly impossible to see these positives. Yet, they do happen and it can prove life-changing to try to focus on those for a change.

You wrote that when you were younger you felt hope - how would you feel about doing a little exercise every day and spending 15 minutes just to try to remember what made you hopeful, how did that feel and what things did you do as a result?

You mentioned your supportive family. Stick to them. You don't always need a crowd of friends that come and go and turn out to be the opposite of friends. Sometimes one or two people that you can really rely on are more than enough.

Would you be still interested in re-enrolling to TAFE? If studying with much younger people makes you uncomfortable, how about starting a course for mature people? Think about what might interest you and/or give you higher chances of employment.

Work - there are some jobs you can do when you don't have to interact with too many people but interact you do. For instance, cleaning might be one of them. Or, how would you feel about doing a job which helps you help others? Working with elderly people can be extremely rewarding and there is always a high demand for skilled workers. Sometimes, being a witness to other people lives, especially when you discover how unfortunate they might be, sometimes this gives us a better perspective on our own lives. Helps to spring hope.

A psychiatrist, a lady from Lifeline - they both helped you however brief the contact. "She made me feel cared about". Do not hesitate and contact them again. And never think you would be wasting anybody's time. Those people are there to help you. For a lot of them helping others is one of the most gratifying things about their job.

[Learn to Fly]

Continuation of my post. Had to break it as it was too long...

Old dog, your faithful friend. If you think she might be getting too old and sick, please take her to a vet and let a professional help you make a decision. Saying goodbye to a beautiful dog friend like her might be extremely difficult but if this would mean ending her suffering, you know you would be doing the right thing. I am not saying you will have to put her down. But you have mentioned her age and how sick she gets so a vet might suggest this option as a kinder way.

About your life: "this is sh... but maybe I can make do.", "do things to improve, slowly." "My life is more about survival than living."
Keep the flow of those positive thoughts going. Feed on them and their positivity. Write them down and stick them so you can see them as often as possible. Believe in yourself. Believe in the opposite to what your father has been telling you because you know yourself a million times better than he does.

And in the past, you did enjoy writing a blog, a diary - "I was able to express myself" - fantastic recollections. How about starting this again?

You also listened to a lot of metal music and rap - it was helping you with "emotions and gradually began to feel better over the years". - please try again.

[Learn to Fly]

My own piece of advice would be: consider deleting all of your social media accounts.

It sounds drastic, I know. But.

You have mentioned quite a few times that you had gained nothing but disappointment from "scrolling FB for hours". Same thing with dating websites. If you don't find them helpful, and if anything the opposite, stop using them. I know this might be easier said than done, but maybe worth consideration?

You can use this time to self-educate (if you were to start TAFE for example but not only) or start a hobby, or use an exercise app if you don't feel like going to a gym etc.