Back Again

[Cee123]

Hi guys, just want to say hi again. I'm back again. I think it was around the time I had my birthday and I turned 35. Anyways, nothing's changed as I said. I am still as hopeless as ever.

Here's a few things about me. I am still jobless, unable to get a job anywhere (due to longterm unemployment), unable to work due to my mental condition and don't know what to do with my life. I still live at home. I am still single, unwanted and childless (I dont think that will change, sadly). I am still socially isolated, with no friends. All my friends are gone from my life. I am STILL suffering from depression and anxiety, been unable to work, still. I am still on medication. I was cut off from Centrelink because I went through a really depressed period this winter where I couldn't get out of bed and I couldn't function at all. And this Spring has felt like a continuation of winter. I have NO social life.

Basically, Centrelink referred me to a Disability Employment Services. However, I went through a really low patch where I was feeling really crappy. Both about myself and my life. I didn't get out of bed. I couldn't even do the one thing that's been helping my mental health and that's gardening because the weather has been nearly constantly terrible. I stopped answering my phone, they were trying to contact me by mail, but I had no motivation to do anything. My depression has been really bad. I have no purpose in my life. I have never been married, never even been in a real relationship before. No one has ever wanted me. My friends have all abandoned me years ago before things even turned to crap in my life.

I was going to the gym. But I stopped that too. When the lockdown hit, I didn't go there for 2 weeks. Then we had to wear masks there. I went after that. But then I lost all my motivation to go anymore. I started going only once a week, then it was once every 2 weeks, now I haven't been for nearly a month. All I do these days is lay in bed. I feel like I've lost in this life. I don't even know how I ended up so alone. I have no one to talk to each day. I have no one to hang out with. I am so painfully lonely and isolated. I am in an online relationship but all she does is abuse me. I tried online dating sites, but nobody is ever interested in me and I never found anyone I liked. I feel so lonely in my life.

[Cee123]

There's nobody here... I'm talking to myself. Why does everybody always ignore me? 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hey Cee123, welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. Sorry to hear you're struggling and we're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness. 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 
  We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Kind regards,
Modsupport  

[Isabella_]

Hi Cee,

I'm glad to hear back from you, and I'm glad to hear that you're safe.

I resonate with what you said about feeling frustrated that the people who treat you and others badly seemingly get handed what they don't deserve.

I don't have a lot of knowledge about how Centrelink works for disability pay.. But I'm wondering with your diagnoses how you aren't eligible? Would you need to give them more recent medical information by contacting a GP and getting a mental health care plan?

It's really nice to read that you got out of bed, had a shower and a coffee, and also that you've found housework, gardening and getting some fresh air helpful in making you feel better. It's these little things that are so important.

It's awful what your dad has put you and your family through. You are indeed an adult and should have the freedoms of deciding what you want to do. But importantly.. you don't deserve a father who intentionally tries to lower your self esteem.

I can see that you feel a lot of disappointment with yourself, and feel that you won't ever fit in with groups of people, which on top of how people have treated you has made you resistant to start working again and do other social activities. I think being patient with yourself by realising that your mental and physical health currently needs to be worked on before putting any expectations on yourself. is important. I have faith that you will find yourself able to take the steps to do the things you want to do, but right now you need to take care of yourself and get the help you need. I wouldn't expect anyone going through the things that you are to be able to shake it off one day and find a job or a partner, etc.

How are you feeling this morning? You mentioned that you've been compulsively checking your phone and didn't get some good sleep the other night, and I'm sorry that you've been stuck waiting for a reply.

[Cee123]

I just got back from the doctor. All I got was a prescription on my tablets. He asked me if I've been working which I said no (I havent had a job for years now, and struggled to find work since I experienced bullying at my last job). He asked if I still lived at home, I said yes. He just looked at me. I never felt like a worse piece of crap in my life. I am an outcast everywhere I go. On the way there, I was driving through a school zone, and saw all the parents with their kids walking out. I'm sure they're my age. And then when I got to the doctor's surgery there were women in there with their kids. Guys my age sitting there with their wives and kids, and I am sitting there by myself, awkward and looking like a loser and even the people at the desk wouldn't look at me. The doctor hurried me out of the room, and couldn't be bothered with me. So I left. I am struggling so much with depression I can't do simple things and have been like this for a long time. I dont think I will ever find my place in this world.

[Cee123]

Hi Isabelle. I've been feeling terrible in all honesty. I've been having suicidal thoughts. I won't but that's how I've been feeling. I am so depressed and disappointed in myself for being the way I am. An awkward loser.

I got another script on my tablets. The doctor couldn't be bothered with me, hurried me out of the room. I tried to talk to him but all he said was "oh yeah" or "ok". I don't even think he realizes how bad I am! On the surface I look fine, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. But that's the surface. Even the women at the desk wouldn't look at me and were really rude to me. They left me standing there for a good 15 minutes until I interrupted one of them and she said "JUST A MINUTE PLEASE!". No one wanted to sit near me in the waiting room. And when I was walking out of there, a girl saw me and walked right around me like I have some kind of disease or something. Why does everyone think I am a weirdo, a sexual predator or have Covid or something.

I can't find a place in society. No one wants anything to do with me. I am socially isolated and don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to break that isolation. My last therapist just said "go out and talk to people". She also told me to find a partner and that would help with my loneliness. She told me to go on eHarmony. I tried to tell her I tried all those kinds of sites and no one was ever interested and she just talked over the top of me. Whenever I tried to talk to her about anything, including damaging experiences from my childhood where I was SEVERELY bullied, she didn't want to know about it.

My dad has undermined my self esteem my whole life by constantly telling me I can't do things. He wanted me and my brother to have nothing. What the hell kind of parent wants their children to have nothing? And so have the people who were supposed to be my friends. Stabbed me in the back so many times and discarded me. I was also excluded from things, and then later found out they were hanging out without me. I never really had any good friends in my life.

I've just feeling lately like I don't want to live anymore. No one understands. No one cares. As long as things are fine in their lives, they don't care about me. They have no room for me in their lives. And that was when I stopped bothering with other people. I'd reach out just to say hi, and ask how they're doing and they don't even respond. And that makes me feel even worse.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Cee123,

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult lately and that you have been feeling so depressed and disappointed in yourself. We can hear just how hard things are for you right now, so please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

It sounds like you are sitting with some heavy feelings, so we want to remind you that all life is important, including yours. You have significant strength and deserve to live a happy life, not just survive.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Both Beyond Blue and our online community members are here with you.

[Cee123]

Last night, I was awake, feeling so depressed and googling things like loneliness, social isolation, childlessness, adoption, surrogacy, sperm donation. None of it made me feel any better. The pain just never goes away. Some nights I am so lonely, I lay awake and I turn on the TV just so I can feel like I have some company, just so I can hear some voices. Even when I was working, I had nights where I was so lonely and I'd finish late after work, I'd just toss and turn and then I'd wake up the next day feeling like garbage. And people would make fun of me and say that I was stoned and that I was up all night doing drugs the night before. Which I wasn't. The security guys would pick on me.

After taking at least one antidepressant this afternoon, I am surprised at the difference it made to how I feel. But I've been off them for a week now and I've been feeling terrible. I told my doctor that. He didn't say much. But I went from feeling like I wanted to die and feeling like there's nothing for me in this life, to feeling like "well this is sh**, but maybe I can make do". I feel like it's changing my brain. Maybe I can do things to improve slowly. You are right. My life is more about survival than living. And I don't know how I've lived this long or where this strength comes from to get up everyday. I know if it was anyone else in my shoes, they wouldn't have lasted with the things that I've been through and the lack of things that I have. They wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes. And if it wasn't for my family, I don't think I could've either. I've had people who were rude to me saying things like "what the hell do you do all day?" thinking I just sit around and do nothing. Questions like that are basically rubbing salt into my wounds. I tried to get a job but I was unsuccessful. I always find something to do. And if I don't then I start to go a bit nuts. Some days I talk to myself and I accept that's normal for me and I don't care.

When I rang Lifeline, I'll never forget what the woman told me. She told me I'm still young and have my whole life ahead of me. But that's certainly not the way I've been feeling. Since I turned 35 this year, I've been depressed and feeling like an old man and dead inside. I'm a shadow of what I used to be. I am scarred and beaten down. Whoever hates me can shoot me again because I have not died. And I'm still standing with their knives in my back.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Cee123,

It sounds like things have been very rough night and that you have little to no support around you. It’s almost no wonder you're feeling the way you are. It takes a lot of strength to share what’s happening for you and reach out to our online community and we’re glad that you have.
 
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, we trust that our online members will stop by to provide some support. 

We want you to know that there is always additional support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you stay safe but strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on any thoughts of ending your life, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.

[Isabella_]

Hi Cee, I'm really glad to hear from you.

"I'm still standing with their knives in my back".. You described your pain really well.. Bullying leaves life long scars giving you the worst self esteem.. Every time you go in public everyone becomes the enemy, the hurtful words that were said to you echo in and you don't know who to trust.

I'm proud of you for taking the step to see a doctor. You deserve healthcare that is empathetic to your needs. From what you've described you didn't get that from the doctor you saw and they were very judgemental of you.. I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm still really proud of you for taking the steps of making an appointment, making your way there, and going into see them. I know that wasn't easy for you but it's an amazing thing.

How would you feel about potentially seeing a new doctor.. Someone with good reviews who is empathetic to mental health needs? Not all doctors are unfortunately.. But maybe making some google searches could be a helpful step. How would you feel about trying to do therapy again?

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better with your new prescription.. Withdrawal from SSRI's can have also side effects and like you said perhaps that was the cause of your very low mood. It's great that they help your mood.

It sounds like the impact of your bullying has left very severe scars.. On top of that being controlled by your dad, suffering from depression, social anxiety, adhd and aspergers that aren't being treated. You've completely withdrawn socially and from life because you feel that you don't have a place.. It sounds like your mind is fighting between wanting a family, and living your life as you want to so badly, but your mental health is trying to protect you by keeping you inside and in bed.

I can see the pain you're in. None of this is your fault, there is nothing wrong with you, and you never deserved what you received. You deserve happiness, good relationships, all the things that you feel that you aren't good enough for.. You are wanted. And I hope that one day you see that.. By no means is it too late for you.

I think you're beginning to realise what you want in life and what you deserve.. How you don't deserve that awful treatment from your father or the dismissal from your doctor. Maybe this low is a turning point for you.

[Cee123]

It's true. I've had little to no support in my life. Either professionally, or socially. No matter where I go, no one seems to care. Being ignored and excluded by so-called "friends" hurt me a lot. It also hurts being ignored here. My only support are my mother and father (if you can even call that support). Other than that, I have no one. Just this online relationship I've been in for 6 years now, and the constant anger and abuse that I've been copping from her, I'm not even sure I want this anymore. She read my posts here in BeyondBlue and now I am dealing with heat from her... Again.

I sometimes wonder if something happened to my parents, what would happen to me? I don't like to think about that though. It's not fair that other people have supportive groups of friends, supportive family (not just their parents), supportive partners etc. And everything that I've been through - I've been through it alone. Sometimes I see the lives of other people on Facebook and I feel sad. I'd reach out to people, but I'd just feel like I was using them for my own emotional support. That, and they don't care about me. It's true what they say. People only really want to know you when things are going well for you. When they aren't, forget it!

When I left High School, I had a lot of anger and resentment, which evolved into mood swings. I am 100% sure I had undiagnosed PTSD. I was seeing a therapist that time referred to me by the high school, and she did basically nothing, didn't even want to talk about these experiences. Every time I would bring it up, she would change the subject to something happy and positive. Just flat out wasn't interested. I was getting flashbacks and nightmares. I didn't want to leave the house because I was scared of running into people from high school, and they had (quite a few times) threatened to kill me or bash me if they saw me again. I knew if I didn't get these feelings and anger under control, my life could've taken a different path that could've led to violence and me to being arrested. I was struggling and didnt work for quite a few years, and my friends called me a bum and didn't want to know me anymore.

I took up writing as an outlet. I believe that saved me. I wrote a blog and kept a diary. I was able to express myself. I also listened to a lot of metal music and rap. These helped me with my emotions. And I gradually began to get better over the years. I also inspired some people to write their own. But I dont do that anymore.