Back Again

[Cee123]

Hi guys, just want to say hi again. I'm back again. I think it was around the time I had my birthday and I turned 35. Anyways, nothing's changed as I said. I am still as hopeless as ever.

Here's a few things about me. I am still jobless, unable to get a job anywhere (due to longterm unemployment), unable to work due to my mental condition and don't know what to do with my life. I still live at home. I am still single, unwanted and childless (I dont think that will change, sadly). I am still socially isolated, with no friends. All my friends are gone from my life. I am STILL suffering from depression and anxiety, been unable to work, still. I am still on medication. I was cut off from Centrelink because I went through a really depressed period this winter where I couldn't get out of bed and I couldn't function at all. And this Spring has felt like a continuation of winter. I have NO social life.

Basically, Centrelink referred me to a Disability Employment Services. However, I went through a really low patch where I was feeling really crappy. Both about myself and my life. I didn't get out of bed. I couldn't even do the one thing that's been helping my mental health and that's gardening because the weather has been nearly constantly terrible. I stopped answering my phone, they were trying to contact me by mail, but I had no motivation to do anything. My depression has been really bad. I have no purpose in my life. I have never been married, never even been in a real relationship before. No one has ever wanted me. My friends have all abandoned me years ago before things even turned to crap in my life.

I was going to the gym. But I stopped that too. When the lockdown hit, I didn't go there for 2 weeks. Then we had to wear masks there. I went after that. But then I lost all my motivation to go anymore. I started going only once a week, then it was once every 2 weeks, now I haven't been for nearly a month. All I do these days is lay in bed. I feel like I've lost in this life. I don't even know how I ended up so alone. I have no one to talk to each day. I have no one to hang out with. I am so painfully lonely and isolated. I am in an online relationship but all she does is abuse me. I tried online dating sites, but nobody is ever interested in me and I never found anyone I liked. I feel so lonely in my life.

[Cee123]

I haven't left the house much at all this year. My dog is like my only real friend these days. The closest thing I have ever had to having a child. She's 16 now, struggling to walk, doesn't even like going outside anymore. She's losing her sight. I don't know if or when we might have to put her down. But I will be struggling with that as well emotionally.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm such a burden on everyone I know. I am an outcast. I wish I was better but I can't be. I can't be more than what I am. All I see on Facebook is other people with happy successful lives, while I have nothing, and I am isolated - I never hear from anyone anymore. I have never been in a relationship in my life. And all the women my age are married with kids or have been married before and don't want to do it again. When I think about it, I just want to throw myself off a bridge because I can't handle these feelings anymore. No woman wants a guy who is inexperienced, who they have to teach everything to. But nobody has ever wanted me. I have tried online dating sites for over a decade with no luck whatsoever in meeting anyone. Because most people are either taken or married or there's something seriously off about them.

I don't know how I ended up so alone. My last job at the hotel I was bullied, and insulted. I had a breakdown back then. I lost my self-esteem, I lost everything. I distanced myself from workmates. I didn't want to see anyone. Since then I saw a therapist who diagnosed with depression, social anxiety disorder, ADHD, Aspergers. Was on medication and went to group therapy for social anxiety. I went back to study I.T. but I failed dismally. Was again called a retard by my classmates, had no friends there and didn't fit in, was mocked by the lecturer, fell into yet another depression and never went back. My therapist got so angry with me, she never wanted to see me again so I never went back.

My doctor/GP has lost patience with me. Because I've been unable to follow through with a mental health plan. My memory and functioning is crap and so is my organization. I am so lonely I think I am developing early onset dementia. I used to look at groups of friends hanging out and feel sad I was alone. Then I used to see happy couples together and feel sad that I was alone. These days I see couples with kids together and I feel sad that I am alone. But I try to keep myself busy doing things, or I feel empty, lonely, bored and depressed and I start to go nuts.

[Sophie_M]

Hi cee123,
 
Thank you for keeping us updated as to how things are going with yourself and your GP/therapy. We are sorry to hear that things are still quite difficult despite the help you are receiving from your GP and therapist.
 
We have reached out to you privately tonight to see how we can support your further.
 
Have you discussed a safety plan with them in regard to your thoughts?
 
If you feel like you may act upon your thoughts, would you consider calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 to discuss how you feel and strategies on how to keep yourself safe?
 
If you feel like you may harm yourself in anyway, this would be an emergency and you should call 000.
 
We hope things improve shortly and we hope you keep the community updated as to how things are in future.

[Cee123]

Well I still feel terrible this morning. But I managed to get out of bed, shower and have coffee. So that's something. That's basically my life though. I ran out of antidepressants. I've been out for a few days. So maybe that's why I am feeling terrible. I have not seen a therapist in over a decade but I've seen multiple therapists throughout my life... none of it helped. Each time I'd make a step in the right direction to fix my life, everything falls apart again and I end up back at square one. I might have to go back to my GP and get another script on my antidepressants. I don't feel that they were a huge help, but they numbed these feelings at least.

I've reached out to people but nobody ever seems to care or reaches back. Everyone is too busy with their lives. Too busy that they forget about me. Since I have been so alone in my life and without much social support, that has made me a target for some cruel, horrible people. So I have had difficulties with trusting people.

[Isabella_]

Hi there,

I really appreciate that you've shared your story on here. Please always remember that you will always be welcomed here with open arms, and that this is a safe space free of judgement.

I can see that everything is incredibly difficult for you right now, and you're feeling like there's no where to turn. You are feeling extremely isolated, abandoned, and that you're a burden on everyone, as well as your GP and therapist. You've been extremely depressed to the point where you've hardly left your house, or gotten in contact with anyone over the phone, and you haven't been able to do the things you enjoy.

I can imagine that because of lockdown, isolating yourself has become much easier and has made everything a lot more difficult, in terms of loneliness and losing motivation.

You mentioned that you're currently in an online relationship with someone who is abusive, that you've experienced bullying in your previous workplace and university, and you're GP has lost patience with you and your therapist had gotten angry with you.. In conjunction with your diagnoses, I can see how this is has been unbearable for you and your ability to live your life.

It's unfair that to this day, mental health stigma still exists in healthcare and all facets of society. You do not deserve negligence, abuse or bullying from anyone, and I'm so sorry that you've had to and continue to experience this.

I can see that you're seriously considering ending your life. As Sophie has mentioned, how would it feel to contact Lifeline today, or when you feel like you're going to act on these thoughts? You could also use their text service if you aren't comfortable talking to someone on the phone and if you find it easier to type out your thoughts.

I can see that you believe that there isn't a way out. But I want you to know that you have options, and I see strength in you and a strong desire to change. Your immediate safety is the most important thing, and I hope that you can focus on getting through today.

I'd love to hear from you. ❤️

[Cee123]

I'm not suicidal. I just feel like garbage. I just have those thoughts but I wouldn't act on them. I don't feel like I have any options in my life, I don't feel like I have anything good to look forward to. When I was younger, I felt like I still had a bit of hope, but as I get older, I feel like that hope is dimishing. I honestly don't know how I'm still alive or for what reason but I wake up everyday and I don't know why. If it wasn't for my supportive family, I don't think I'd still be here. And I never went to university, it was TAFE. I got such poor grades at school, I never would've made it to university. I was bullied at school, and left halfway through year 11. I went through a really bad period after high school. I had a lot of anger issues where I was referred to a psychologist. That didn't help me. I've only ever worked at a chicken factory and when I left there, I worked briefly as a housekeeper at a hotel in the afternoon shift. I went through a breakdown at that job after some bullying that happened there by the guys working in security, and went to see a psychiatrist after that. That didn't help either. Well it did... briefly. I went back to studying, and I didnt have anything in common with other students there as they were all 10 years younger than me and had a lot going on in their lives. And then I failed my course miserably which hurt my self esteem even more. I haven't worked in about 10 years and dont even think I'd even be able to get a job or fit in in the workplace. Some people have suggested to me to do volunteer work, but that would basically be the same thing. I dont know what to do anymore. Somedays I scroll through Facebook for hours on end but no one ever talks to me, even when I reach out. Except once a year when it's my birthday. My phone never rings. I never get emails from anyone. My only company are my family who I still live with and when we visit other family, my dog who is ageing and in poor condition, and the occasional person walking past. My brother recently moved out and got a house he bought with his friend, I hardly see him anymore. I've never been in a real relationship (I know, I've mentioned that so many times). I don't know. I have rang Lifeline once before and it helped me... The woman on the phone really listened to me and made me feel cared about. Maybe I should ring again sometime but I am really shy and would feel like I'm wasting their time.

[Cee123]

I dont understand why all the terrible people who do nothing but treat other people badly in life get everything they want and more than what they deserve, including the people who badly bullied me at high school. They all have good jobs, nice partners, own their own homes and families. And I have tried to be nothing more than a good person and an honest person in my life, and I've ended up with nothing. Not even a drop or shred of anything. And if it wasn't for my family, I would also be homeless and abandoned. It's reverse karma. The neighbours don't talk to us anymore. Nobody does. Only occasionally walking past. Today a woman walked past and told us that we need to put our dog down. How mean is that?? My dog is my only friend, she's like a child I never had. During the breakdown I had, she was what lifted my spirits and got me to get out of bed and go outside when all I wanted to do was lay there in a ball and die. All I want to do lately is cry, and somedays I feel like I can't look at people because I don't want them to see that. I don't know anymore what the future holds. I've been told I'm still young. But honestly I'd have a better chance of anything if I was 25, and I can't go back.

[Cee123]

I'm struggling mentally, socially, financially and the older I get I'm also starting to struggle physically. My mental health issues are still there, I can't get disability for it. I was on unemployment, searched for jobs but never heard anything from anybody. I only got 3 payments from Centrelink over a 6 month period before they started harassing me weekly, and I got cut off. I don't know how I'm going to afford the gym anymore (not that I've been going lately, I've lost all motivation for everything). I used to be keeping fit and healthy. But now I don't care anymore what happens to me. Pretty soon I'm going to be confined to the house as I can't afford anything I won't even be able to afford medication anymore for this depression and anxiety. I don't know if there's any point to this anymore. Everyday I wake up I think to myself "what's the point?" "I might as well be dead" and then I'd start doing some housework, or gardening or work around the house and I start to feel better. Just going outside for some fresh air makes me feel better but that's about as far as it goes.

[Cee123]

One thing I forgot to mention is that my dad still controls mine and tries to control my brother's life. He doesn't even seem to realize that myself and my brother are adults now in our 30's and that we want a life of our own. He has put us down our whole lives, never said anything positive about us or gave us any encouragement whatsoever or said that we could do anything. He's a selfish person. My mother has always tried to help us throughout our lives, while he has done absolutely nothing for us. He parks his car behind mine or takes my car driving so I am stuck at home and can't go anywhere. He is a very selfish person. He wont let us make decisions, and has stopped both of us from having anything meaningful in our lives. My brother is lucky in that he had a friend who was going to purchase a house, and they bought it together, so he got to move out at 32 and now lives there with his mate. BUT he is facing a similar problem now - his mate has started becoming controlling and doing the same thing. He can never get his car out of the garage because his mate has always parked his behind it while he fixes other people's cars. His mate decides on everything they do. So neither myself or my brother have had a meaningful social life. My dad has failed us both... turned us into losers like him. I hate him sometimes.

So many people have lectured my dad about us being adults now and being capable of making our own decisions but he just won't listen, instead he laughs about it thinking it's a joke and doesn't care. My brother has become an alcoholic and seems like he's depressed and I drink a fair bit myself as a result of loneliness and unhappiness. When my dad found out my brother bought a house with his mate (my brother didn't tell him) he got angry and started yelling, telling him he's stupid and he's going to end up in debt, that he wasted his money etc instead of being happy for him! Even today I struggle with managing my own finances and doing my own shopping. No one understands. They hate me and think I'm a joke. Myself and my brother have never been married or had any kids because he isolated us and wouldn't let us live our lives. And this is why we lost friends, didnt have a social life etc because we have a selfish, controlling father who controlled all the bills, decisions, transport, what we eat or drink and everything in this family. He never took us anywhere or did anything as kids.

[Cee123]

Sleep was really rough last night. I kept checking my phone. Logging into forums, checking youtube, checking facebook, checking my messages, commenting on random things, and waiting for people to reply. No one ever did. This is what I do lately. Compulsively I've been checking my phone. I just wanted that one person to talk to me and I would've felt alright. But that's not what I got just quietness and crickets outside my window. I turned on the TV, watched something instead. My clouded mind couldn't focus on what they were saying. Couldn't piece together what was going on. I pulled the blankets over my head, tossed and turned until I fell asleep. Today I woke up late, didn't bother showering and now I'm just sitting here. Compulsively checking my phone. I went outside for 5 minutes but there's nobody around. I have days where I feel like I'm going nuts.