'Attention Seeker'

[happyteacup05]

Hi, this feels weird.

I wanted to share this somewhere, but figured that sharing it online, on a platform like Instagram where people are less likely to understand, and people know who I am is a bad idea.

This year hasn't been great for me. In fact, this year has been bad, for a number of reasons. In a course of about 9 months I have attempted suicide, self-harmed, had my parents lose all trust in me, went from a friend-group of 14 to 0, been diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety and a mild stress disorder, and have had to leave school due to an extreme amount of bullying.

I really wish I could fit the whole story in, but there's A LOT. Some of this might not make sense due to lack of backstory, but I get the main point across so it's okay.

An 'Attention Seeker' is a name I've become quite used to being called in these last 9 months. My best friend at the time, who I opened up to after my suicide attempt was the person who started this. She could not understand why she wasn't allowed to tell anyone about it, yet I was. The fact that I told my mum to take me to hospital after an overdose of pills because I suddenly regretted what I had done was enough for her to say that it was an attention thing. I had realised after an hour and a half that I didn't want to die. I just wanted to escape the pain. It destroyed me. I felt physically sick hearing that from my 'best friend'. It was mentioned to me at school one day, and when I went to speak to the school psych, she asked me if I had actually attempted for attention. Is this really the help I get?

This person spread around to everyone that I had attempted suicide for attention. Not long after this, one girl made my life a living hell. She made up rumors. She told everyone that I faked mental issues. When I reported her to the head of upper school, he said he didn't understand why I was upset. Boys in my class asked me if I was an attention seeker. Even people like one of my mum's friend called me an attention seeker. EVERYONE called me an attention seeker. It's sickening.

But, I know I'm not an attention seeker. I have heard it so much that even if I started to believe it at one point.

But I'm not.

Only I know how I'm feeling, and the reason I act the way I do.

I've tried getting my point across to these people, but it has been pointless.

And just like me, you're not an attention seeker because of what you're going through.

Please don't believe it. Only YOU truly know how you're feeling.

[Whimbo]

Hi happyteacup05,

I hope these forums are helping you, it seems everyone here is very empathetic, and willing to listen and support you how they can.

People, often those close to us, can often struggle to discuss heavy topics, for various reasons. Claiming that you're an attention seeker may be a defence mechanism.

Parents will take their role as your caretaker so seriously that it becomes such an integral part of their identity, and they may take the fact that you're struggling as a personal attack on their identity, despite the fact that mental health problems stem from an endless range of environmental, biological, and psychological factors, and may not be entirely their fault. Understand that in this case, the issue is with them, not with you.

Of course, you know your parents better than I do, so I could very well be wrong, but I'm just outlining a very common issue - parents will shrug off a child's problems because admitting that there are real issues might lead them to admit that they aren't the caretaker they think they are.

They simply don't have the skillset for these problems, but that's okay. As you've learned yourself, even some (not all) psychological professionals lack some of those skills. It's a tough lesson to learn when you find out that your parents are only human, and I'm so sorry you have to learn that at a young age.

As for the issues you faced at school, I'm sorry to hear about that too. High school was the worst time of my life, and I struggled to find and keep friends too. Something many people don't acknowledge about school is that at that age teenagers are big and strong enough to do physical harm, hormones are running rampant, and their frontal lobes (relating to deep thinking and empathy) literally haven't developed to maturity. If anyone tells you that high-school will be the best time of your life, let them know where they can stick that opinion. A key to surviving adolescence is to keep your head down, seek out the people with at least the slightest bit of empathy, and push on through. Because it gets better. I know that's a reductive and overly-simplistic sentiment, but you will hear it over and over again because there is a lot of truth in it. Seek happiness and calm wherever you can, even though it's hard, because it gets better.

[happyteacup05]

Hi Ramblify,

I understand what you're saying about the counselor. As sick as I felt after hearing it and upsetting as it was, she most likely didn't mean it in the way it came across. I guess I just took it in a negative way due to the fact I had such a bad morning at school and had spent the first 2 hours crying about everything that had happened. I guess anything seemed like an attack to me.

Either way, whether she meant it or not, I still refused to go back and see her after that event. Once again, she almost certainly didn't mean it in that way, but I couldn't risk being hurt like that again. That small act changed my opinion on her completely and really reinforced what others had been saying.

Thanks for replying, hope you're well 🙂

[happyteacup05]

Hi Geoff,

I have thought long and hard the last few months about whether I really should leave school or not. I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave as I'm in year 11 and after this only have 1 year to go. It would mean I would miss out on once in a lifetime opportunities such as the school ball, graduation, leavers, year 12 fun day, etc. Realistically, I would only have 3 terms of school left and then I would leave. But the constant bullying and harassment at school got way out of hand.

My every move was being targeted, everything I did resulted in being bullied somehow. Just small things, like having my old friend group making vomiting and gagging noises at me when I walked past, watching one of my old friends make fun of the way I walk in the reflection of a window. Extreme rumors were made up, for example, a rumor that my nudes had been leaked. It got my anxiety up extremely high and I was terrified to go to school the whole of that week (until I was told that one of my old mates had made it up).

The bullying affected my education. I couldn't concentrate in class, and although already having low grades, my grades increasingly dropped. One of my teachers pulled me aside one lesson and even asked if I was having issues with bullying as I seemed really off and not as focused.

The bullying turned to cyber bullying, as I started to receive messages online. Although I had blocked these people, they always found ways to contact me, most commonly through old groupchats on instagram or snapchat.

I started to get food thrown at me, and things yelled at me. Before one of my final exams this year, this girl started yelling out things to me and started saying things that she knew would get to me. So i missed half an hour of my 3 hour exam because I was outside, being comforted by a teacher.

It took a while to convince my parents, but they agreed if I finish this year and complete all my exams, I can leave school and start study at TAFE where I will be doing a course to help me with my future of becoming a teacher.

I wish I could've pushed through, I really do. But at this point, I genuinely couldn't push anymore. It has affected me so tremendously. I used to love school. It was one of my favourite places to be, I never wanted to go on holidays. But sadly not anymore. By the end of it, I was sat in the bathroom at recess and lunch.

I needed a fresh start, away from all these people. I'm excited for next year, I really am.

From here, things can only get better 🙂