Dear Vinnie~
I'd like to join Sophie_M & mb20lover welcoming you back. Sophie has given you a couple of links to talk with others, they can be very helpful when a person is right down and I can personally recommend the Suicide Call Back Service where you can talk to the same person more than once without having to repeat everything. Yes, I've been there too:(
I know from reading your posts from a couple of years ago you were basically a very sensible person but your view of yourself was right down, and as a result you saw the future as bleak. OK so you had a brush with the law, but you used your time inside to give yourself more of a chance later on, as well as passing that time in a good way. With all that happens inside you did well. Have you managed to finish your degree as yet?
Having an anxiety condition is a terrible thing, it changes how you think and blots out all the hopes and good parts and just leaves you thinking things like "im not good enough, i have no experince, im too old, i have no chance and countless other negative thoughts" and feeling that taking medication is weak and telling of your troubles to a partner will ruin things
I hate to be blunt that this is rubbish. I have anxiety plus other things, and take medication, and have for over half my life and people including my partner think no more of it than if I was a diabetic or had some other illness.To get out of your present state and cope better you need more help than you are getting. I suggest you talk it over with your GP and psych if you have one
You self-medicated - but overcame that, sense plus strength, something to be admired.
I am sorry that relationship broke up but at 40 you have time to start again having learned from it, maybe this time having more faith in the person. I remarried older than that and it worked out well, with no secrets. Once you get secrets out the way you get closer - plus each can rely on the other as there is trust
Please look for a partner where each of you can do the other good, worry about kids later, like me you are someone who needs another in their life, marriage -yes it shows commitment, important to both of you, kids, well maybe
What else can I say in a short space - I have known many very worth-while people who have been inside, before I was invalided out I was a policeman. There are jobs for those with a record, sometimes it takes help to get them. Getting that help is something you need to talk to professionals about
Out of space:(
Croix
