addicted to suicidal thoughts?

[ebee]

I’m not sure how to word this, but I feel like I’m ‘addicted’ to having suicidal thoughts? Now, to preface this, I’m very satisfied with my life and acknowledge that I’m very privileged. I’m also not actually suicidal; it would realistically hurt too much and I don’t want to traumatise my family. Since I was about 12 or 13 though I always thought about how much better it would be if I could die, and now it’s just constant to a point where I don’t stop thinking about killing myself unless I’m absorbed or distracted by doing something. Again, I don’t really want to die, but I can’t stop wishing I don’t have to wake up the next day. Being unconscious is probably the most peace I feel. It feels like as the days pass on, my doom is nearing, as dramatic as that sounds. The only reason I’ve been able to make it thus far is because I’m so privileged and because I’ve been blessed to have people who I can depend on and who still put up with me. But I know that I can’t depend on others forever, and of course I’m trying to be independent, but god am I so incompetent at everything I do and I don’t have a good personality either. I’m not kind, charismatic or optimistic; I’m terribly selfish, introverted and pessimistic, and I can’t even do ‘basic’ things other people can do like… hold a conversation. I don’t really go outside unless it’s necessary (eg grocery shopping, school) because I get really anxious about having attention on me, and it’s so sad because I want to spend time with my friends, but it’s a massive hurdle to overcome every time and never gets easier than the last.

I have a similar-ish problem with my self harm too, where it’s just there. I’ve started it a while ago too, but nowadays, I don’t really do it because I’m super hurt or sad or anything (that would be a bit too often) but it’s just there and I’ll just do it if I feel like it. Of course I never hurt myself too much, so maybe that’s why, but it comes as easily as writing or drawing, and I can never bring myself to care that much about it like everyone else does. (Not that I am trying to justify it; I would be very concerned if anyone I knew, or anyone at all, was self-harming, no matter the degree. And it does make me really sad to accidentally see it online, even when I try to avoid it)

So, I really don’t want to come off as insensitive, but I can’t stop wishing that I won’t have to wake up the next day.

[therising]

While we can have basic occasional thoughts about something, it's not necessarily a major problem. While our thoughts can be annoying or somewhat concerning, that's about it. When those thoughts begin to escalate, it's a whole other story. When they become constant and intense, it's time to begin making better sense of them. You definitely don't sound insensitive, on the contrary. You sound like you're trying to make greater sense of why you think and feel the way you do and my heart goes out to you in this incredible challenge you face.

While most people who experience suicidal thoughts can be struggling to live with themself, this is something I could relate to when I was in my 20s and early 30s. It was unbearable at times for me to be living with me. Yes, sleep or a non conscious state came as a relief but then I'd wake up in the morning and become conscious of myself and everything I was struggling with. I'd be me again. Thoughts of how to get rid of me were what led to an attempt to do it. It was many years later and out the other side of long term depression when I began to deeply consider what the ultimate sacrifice means and how I'd looked at it all wrong. Not sure if the following would feel relatable but I'll offer it in the hope that it makes some positive difference or sheds light in some way...

What if the ultimate sacrifice involves sacrificing our self bit by bit, not all at once (such as with suicide). If we were to sacrifice parts of our self, who do we have no choice but to become? Someone we can be more than happy to live with? If we sacrificed or offered up the part of us that leads us to suffer through social anxiety, what part of us would we gain in return? If we were to sacrifice or offer up the pessimist in us, what would we gain in return? The list goes on with all those parts of us that lead us to suffer in a variety of ways. What if parts of us died off bit by bit and we laid them to rest, while new facets of us gradually came to life. As a 53yo gal, this perspective has come to serve me in a lot of ways over the years. While I used to suffer horribly through depressing episodes, I'm more inclined these days to ask 'Okay, what part of me has to go? What part of me is leading me to suffer in such depressing ways?'. This kind of sacrifice can involve such a time consuming process at times, with so many different investigations and strategies involved. Sometimes finding guides and supports is a must in such a process.

With self harm, it can be so hard to make sense of why we do it. It's only in hindsight, many years later, that I was able to make sense of it for myself. It was based on 2 different reasons. One was based on self punishment and the other was based on a high. If there's some sense of satisfaction in it, it feeds dopamine receptors which can help explain its addictive nature. Everyone has their own personal reason/s. Btw, self harm comes in many different forms. While a binge drinker, a binge eater or a binge whatever can criticise people who undertake obvious forms of self harm, it's all self harm at the end of the day. None of these are harmless habits or addictions. People can be so quick to judge when they themself have issues.

In the quest to find why we think and feel the way we do, there can be so many questions. While you step foot on your path, when it comes to your own personal quest, I hope answers/revelations come to light the way ahead for you.🙂❤️

[Croix]

Dear Guest_82776503~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome to the Forum, a place where many people, myself included, have felt as you. I think I understand a bit of what you have been living with and would not wish that on anyone.

I don't want to overload you in one post, so I'll leave self harm for another time -if you would like to return, but instead want to question your thoughts about suicide. On the one hand you say that that you are not 'actually suicidal ' becuse it would traumatize your family , and also because it might hurt too much.

On the other hand you say you could be regarded as being addicted to suicidal thoughts and can't stop thinking of them, and have done so since you were under 13. You don't want to die, but on the other hand want the hurt of the life you live to stop, maybe by not waking up.

I have felt the same way and feel really sad the you do too, I've found out, after much trial and error, that life can be a lot better and now I do not want it to stop.

This thing I'd like ot say is that thinking of family, and thinking of the possible hurt, are not very effective bars to taking you life. It only takes an extra downturn in how you feel for thoughts of family to change, you end up feeling you wil be doing them a favor by not saddling them with you -at least that is what I thought.

As things got too bad I was desperate for it to stop and the pain was not an obstacle any more, so I went from being someone who though they'd never take their life to actually attempting to take it -more than once.

Those obstacles are paper thin. It is surprising.

You think you are incompetent and have a bad personality. That is far from the truth, to have survived for so long in such horrible circumstances shows great competence, if you did not have that you would not be here to talk. As for your personality, you sound a lovely - and sensitive - person. The fact you appreciate being blessed by having people you can depend on  and consider the harm you would do to your family and friends if you did take your life points to a considerate and empathetic person

There seems for most peple, including me,  to be great barriers to telling anyone they have suicidal thoughts (or self harm). And there are reasons for this , not to upset or hurt people, not to lose control and be medicated or hospitalized, have people think less of one, embarrassment and plain downright fear.

It may seem easier ot simply keep on going - until you get overwhelmed, which can  happen quickly

Can I suggest you do get some assistance? As I said I kept getting worse by myself -a mistake. I know it is not easy. Perhaps first off if you are under 25 (I suspect you are) why not contact the Kids Help Line Line. They are open 24/7 and have phone, web-chat and a circle of peole like you.

Things can get better, I hope we can talk some more

Croix