Chronic suicidal thoughts, does it get better?

[BKL]

Hi all, I am new here. After suffering several childhood trauma, I have developed complex PTSD, recurring depressions and chronic suicidal thoughts.
I have been living with chronic suicidal thoughts for the past 30 years. Almost every day the thoughts are on my mind; background thoughts if it is a good day, forefront of my mind on a bad day.
I am seeing a psychologist and I am on antidepressants but the thoughts are still there. My psychologist reckons they will never go away.
Can I imagine to one day live a "normal life" ( i.e., not feeling worthless and hopeless all the time) even with chronic suicidal thoughts?

[Croix]

Dear BKL~

Welcome here to the Forum, I guess you will find out how others have got on.

I'll use myself as an example because it might let you know thngs do not stay the same. I have PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety - not caused from the some sort of mental injury as yours -and had been hiding suicidal thoughts for a long time. I made more than one attempt to take my life. All through I too felt everything was hopeless and mainly my fault -like you worthless.

Many years later I still have suicidal thoughts, however they are nothing like as strong and I have plenty of good things in my life to want to go on living. True there are times when all seems hopeless and I doubt myself again and am tempted, however maybe by knowing myself better, being able to avoid some situations, and therapy for most of my life with a combination of medication that in the last 6 years has done what it is supposed to without side-effects. All that combined has put me in a place I'd not have believed possible.

It may be like me your thoughts will never go away entirely, however again like me they may shrink in potency to the stage you can handle them with confidence and have room in your mind for better and happier things.

Apart from what sounds like a rather gloomy shrink is there anyone, family or friend, to lend you support?

I don't know what you have tried, there are organizations that can sometimes help a bit. For example the Blue Knot Foundation assists those who had childhood trauma.

I hope we can talk some more

Croix

[therising]

Hi BKL

I think it's hard to imagine any other way when no one's led us to imagine. Have to agree with Croix when it comes to somewhat of a gloomy outlook your psychologist has. I can recall being told a few decades back 'You'll most likely suffer with depression for the rest of your life'. In hindsight I'd say 'Yeah, thanks for that. That's really improved my outlook (not)'. At the time though, everything felt so hopeless and depressing thanks to what I was led to imagine, a depressing life ahead of me. Pays to have good leaders/guides, as opposed to questionable ones.

I hope Croix has led you to imagine a different outlook, one where progress is found in different forms of skill development in the way of managing. One where greater self understanding makes a difference when it comes to identifying and managing a variety of triggers. One where surrounding yourself with key guides for helping you navigate through the unbearable times is what can make some difference.

I think one of the most important things to take onboard is 'It's not my fault I can feel '. For example, 'It's not my fault I have the ability to feel depressing or stressful people depressing me or stressing me' or 'It's not my fault I have the ability to feel my thoughts and inner dialogue' or 'It's not my fault I have the ability to feel the sometimes overwhelming heartache others have caused me'. Sometimes it can involve the fault of others who have not led us to feel in more constructive ways, such as how to feel our way through and out the other side of a painful and/or destructive memory that might take an hour to get through. For example, 'I can feel one of my so called 'inner demons' getting me to compile a list of all the things that point to me being weak (aka 'a list of lies'). I need to get a feel for who the right person is to phone or see right now, to put an end to that inner dialogue/list making'. A positive trigger to combat a negative one.

As Croix points to, from personal experience, there can be ways of managing the volume and frequency of challenging thoughts, how intense they are and how often or how fast they cycle (to the point of anxiety). A master of such management may give you the ability to master this to some degree. Someone who's not a master will make no difference. 'Where to find such a master?' becomes the question. You may find your master in someone who's faced a similar set of traumas to you, someone who's further along their path and has gained experience in mastery or you might find it in someone else. While not relating to major trauma, I recall a time where I experimented with one on one yoga sessions for a period of time, due to depression. I'd never been one to try yoga before. During one of the exercises I suddenly began sobbing uncontrollably. It actually shocked the heck out of me. What had surfaced was a revelation in regard to a belief I never realised I held. For 53 years I had believed I never deserved happiness. Some sh** is buried so deep to the point where it takes a master to get it out. Sometimes it can be about a willingness to experiment with just about anything (within reason) in order to find a difference of some kind. I like to think of it as 'The Goldilocks Experiment'. Different strategies will feel like 'Not enough, too much or just right', when it comes to finding the difference we can be so desperate to find and feel. Wondering if you can get a sense of what you're after, psychological or soulful strategies or maybe a bit of both. With a bit of biology or chemistry in the mix, including meds to help manage, it can become a kind of hat trick of therapies (a triple combo).

[BKL]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your message. It seems there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

I have only been seeing a psychologist for the past 2 years, unpacking all the trauma and what it has done to my mental health. The meds still have to be adjusted.

To answer your question, no I don't have a lot of support, only one friend (my family leaves overseas).

I hope to find more support on this forum.

BKL

[Croix]

Dear BKL~

People change - including you. So a light in the distance not so strange . I slowly changed and a lot of the matters lost their bite, not gone but not as intrusive or as strong - I can handle them.

I did not, except for one brief period, have anyone try to lead me to remember the past, quite the opposite. My psychiatrist taks wiht me about day to day problems and also provided some perspective, in an attempt to not get me to overreact.

Memories surfaced of their own accord over time - some taking very many years. As for medication, I trialed very many, which was a right pain as one had to tail off one before building up the next, so each changed seemed ot take ages when one was hoping for an improvement wiht the new one.

Fortunately I was treated as being able to judge the effects for myself and if they did nothing, or had side effects htat were too much -or boot - then I was listened to and the meds were changed. I guess I was lucky to have a psych that was prepared to be flexible and experiment.

I"m not saying the therapy I received would help everyone, just it helped me. All I can suggest is to try to be in charge, know what works and does not, and not just be passive and just take what is offered wihtout evaluating it.

I'd suggest to get the support on the forum give some and you will get some, its the way this place works. If you search for "suicidal thoughts" or simply browse the 'Suicidal Thoughts and Self Harm' area not only wil you see how others have coped but you might find talking to osmeone who has the same sort of experience can help them, and maybe you too.

It may seem funny to suggest that if you wanted to you talk to others when you have only just joined, however you have a great deal of very difficult experiences and that can have an effect when others see that and they are not alone.

I won't suggest it again as I do not want ot put any pressure or obligation on you. You are welcome anyway.

As I think we may have experiences in common I wold like to keep on taling if that is what you would like.

Croix

[BKL]

Thank you Therising. Some encouraging and useful advices.

[BKL]

Thank you Croix.

I am definitely finding support on this forum and other forums. And I certainly want to give back and help others.

I am seeing my GP on Wednesday to adjust / change my meds. I have only started the meds a year ago, and speaking with a psychologist for about two years. Before that, I was dealing with my struggles on my own.

Happy to keep talking with you. Thanks for your support.

[Croix]

Dear BKL~

You are, form the timescale you mentioned, only starting on your journey to improve matters. It would be a mistake ot judge the future on the basis of the last 30 years when you did not have assistance.

I found htere was no way I could improve by myself, in fact it allowed matters to get worse. It was only after I"d medical support for quite osme time and arrived at a therapy that worked, and later medications that suited, that I did improve. Although slow it has made all the difference . I know what I can deal wiht, and live a life I would not want to give up.

There are things I do enjoy and use them every day to reward myself and make life better. It would be different for you but I reserve a time each evening for this. I use favorite books, music, pets, talking with another (not necessarily about serious matters) or simply get out of the house and listening to the possums.

Having something to look forward ot each day does help. Could you say what sort of things you may have enjoyed or distracted you in the past?

As I may have mentioned none of the early medications I was on were satisfactory, however now they fit well. It did take time.

Life does not stay the same, it can get a lot better, I'm an example.

Croix

[BKL]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your message. Yes, I am at the beginning of my assisted journey. But my mind cannot yet see how things can change, based on the last 30 years. So I am really hoping that will change with the right therapy and meds.

To answer your question, it is hard for me to do things I enjoy (especially surfing) at the moment as I am a working single mum of two children. Hopefully as my children get older, and as I get better mentally, I will be able to enjoy my passions again.

BKL

[Croix]

Dear BKL~

Yes, things can be pretty hectic as a working single mum, and so I guess surfing is out for now. That does not mean there might not be somethng small to look forward to each day, even as simple as an ice- cream or part of a bar of chocolate or even an episode of a series on YouTube or iView. You get to choose - I'm just guessing. It is worth the trouble to have a fragment of life for 'me' each day

I would suggest too you remember that for 30 years you have not had assistance, and the result of battling on your own has sunk pretty deep into your impressions of life. Only a year or so of help, took me longer than that so you never know.

Croix