Chronic suicidal thoughts, does it get better?

[BKL]

Hi all, I am new here. After suffering several childhood trauma, I have developed complex PTSD, recurring depressions and chronic suicidal thoughts.
I have been living with chronic suicidal thoughts for the past 30 years. Almost every day the thoughts are on my mind; background thoughts if it is a good day, forefront of my mind on a bad day.
I am seeing a psychologist and I am on antidepressants but the thoughts are still there. My psychologist reckons they will never go away.
Can I imagine to one day live a "normal life" ( i.e., not feeling worthless and hopeless all the time) even with chronic suicidal thoughts?

[BKL]

Finally on holidays. It will be nice to have a break but I fear that this down time will give more space for the negative thoughts to creep in. And being in a depressive episode at the moment challenges me to do the activities I usually enjoy, like surfing.
Any advices?

[Croix]

Dear BKL~

I try to cope with a down cycle in two stages. The first is to try to take the mind away from all the  horrible thoughts, and when that is done take advantage of that state to do something pre-prepared to distract you or even amuse you

To get out of the loop of everything seeming wrong and hopeless I practice Smiling Mind, a free smartphone app full of exercises to change the mind's path. It takes a bit of practice, not an instant fix, but due to the large number of exercises all for people wiht different thought proceses one can find one htat suits oneself. I have the attention span of a gold-fish and need reminding all the time -yes there is one that suits me.

This places me in a temporary calm, however that will not remain by itself and I have a tendency to revert back to how I was before, so I use that calm to read  a chapter of a favorite book, listen to pre-chosen music, or anything else that helps. YouTube comedians are good, so is exercise.

You will have your own things that might help, so I'd suggest giving Smiling Mind a trial (practice, not just one go)

I hope this helps, if you would like to let us know how you go that would be good.

Croix

[BKL]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your reply and suggestions. I have tried Smiling Mind. It's hard for me as I am not into mindfulness but I can see there are lots of exercises so will find the right one for me.

Overall, feeling pretty depressed (like I am in the middle of a storm). Spending most of my days in bed. But tomorrow I will push myself and go for a surf. 

[Croix]

Dear BKL~

Thinking of Smiling Mind as being mindfulness is one way, though I'm not into labels so much. I think of it as a tool to get my mind to do what I want. I also switch off the background music, which I find distracting. As I said before you have to persevere with it to do any good.

Going surfing sounds a really excellent idea, it is hard to get out of bed for what seems at the time no reason, and surfing could provide that reason, plus being outside and the exercise and challenge all will help. I hope the weather is good and you enjoy it.

Croix

[BKL]

Hi Croix,

The surf was nice and lifted my mood for the day. 

But I feel I am back on the rollercoaster, going down hill again. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Thank you for your support Croix

BKL

[Croix]

Dear BKL~

I'm very pleased to hear that the surfing lifted your mood for the day, I guess that does a couple of things, the first being of course that day was more pleasant, but the second it even more important in that it shows you that having a lift of mood is possible -and you did it.

Obviously it may not be practical to surf every day, you are a working mum after all, however maybe there are other activities that can help.

Any ideas?

Croix

[BKL]

Hi Croix,

Just had four days away on holidays. Great mood lifter. Exploring a new city and doing new things really helped. My head is in a better place. It is a good time now to make a list of activities (big and small) I can do to continue lifting up my mood.

I will let you know what I have came up with.

BKL

[Croix]

Dear BKL~

I'm really pleased for you, it is wonderful to feel out of the down side. I also think it is pretty wise of you to make a list now. I had great troubles thinking of anything and had to rely on others to remember for me what had amused or distracted me in the past.

I'd be interested to know what you come up with.

Croix