A Newbies' Story & Seeking support

[HiveMind]

Three years ago, I tried to commit suicide. I went to the hospital and they held me there and since then I've been afraid of any health services. I won't go to a doctor, or psychiatrist. After that incident I turned my life around, I vowed to outlive everyone. I lost a lot of weight, got fit. Moved out, got a job and a boyfriend. He had to hold my hand to go to a medical test to apply for the job, because I turned pale would have refused to go otherwise.
My boyfriend has noticed that roughly once a month I spiral into a deep depression for a couple days. Two months ago, after one of those spirals, he looked through my phone & found history of me researching suicide methods. By the time he'd seen that, I was already out of that mood (Having not acted on it) and had forgotten about doing it. He knew about my past, and I do have a very infrequent habit of self-harm. But this has caused a huge break in our relationship which I don't know if we will recover from, though we are trying. He thinks I have bipolar due to the mood swings which since then have become more intense. He is supportive but distant, which has made me feel more alone.

Since that break in my relationship, and Covid making every interaction with strangers at work or on the streets or keeping me home-bound, has made me isolated & even more depressed.

My phobia means that I am limited in how I can seek help for my feelings. I don't want to be diagnosed, due to stigma, the fear of hospitalization and an unwanted potential familial link. I don't want my name to be on some file in an office somewhere with my personal thoughts, feelings, history; No matter how confidential they are promised to be, I know that they can be subpoenaed, accessed by other staff, or forwarded for referral. Because of these, I'm wary to open to up to anyone, particularly with the threat of hospitalization looming over me if I even mention suicide. So I feel I can't be completely honest in those circumstances. There is also the fact that the psychologists there were strangers (Online is different, I feel protected by my anonymity), with the power to keep me from going home; I felt they were placating my distress, with a facade of understanding and sympathy when they held all the power.

So, what can I do? I don't want to undo all of the good I've done in the last three years but I can't control how I've been feeling. Are there alternatives to traditional psychiatry/therapy? I thought this forum might be a place to start,

[Sophie_M]

Hey HiveMind,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad that you reached out here and decided to join us. We're really sorry to hear that your past experience in seeking support has made you worried and afraid to reach out to health services. We understand that feeling unsupported during difficult times like these can be quite painful, but please know that this is a safe space to express yourself, and our wonderful community is here to offer you as much advice and support as you need.

We always urge people like yourself not to be put off by one or even a couple of negative experiences. Like many things in life, GPs and other practitioners with different skill sets, and even different personalities, will meet your needs and expectations in different ways. If you feel up to it, we'd really encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636, or if you'd feel more comfortable reaching out online, our Webchat is available 3pm-12am AEST at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer some support and advice catered to your needs to help you through this. Our friends at Suicide Call Back Service are also there for you 24/7 to offer confidential support during your most difficult moments both over the phone (1300 659 467) and through online chat, anytime, at https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.



 

[monkey_magic]

Hi HiveMind,

You're wise and powerful. You're eyes are opened and you're also struggling at times.

I was glad after reading that you see through things. Trust has to be earnt and it was obviously betrayed in the past just like mine was. I was also held in one of those places and medicated against my will after a suicide attempt. And there are soooo many bad things written about me on medical records that aren't true. And they've been passed around.

I find that exercise helps, speaking to annonymous lifelines, writing in a diary, listening to music, reading, laughing at YouTube videos etc.

Find things that lift your spirits and moods. The other day I sat in the sun and listened to the birds while eating a fruit salad.

I'll leave it there for now. Hopefully others jump on board and offer some ideas.

I hope you have a great night.

💜

[HiveMind]

Thank you. I tried the webchat, but all the replies I got were "It must be very difficult for you" or asking if I was open to seeing professional help. It was over before long and I didn't really get anything out of it.
I've called hotlines before and had similar experiences. I'm also fearful of calls being traced back to my location, which ignites my fear of hospitalization again. I understand its for the purposes of safety, and it's paranoid of me to think this. But I want to be in control of my situation. I alone should determine what's good for me, including commitment and treatment; and information. Anything else, I think of as a personal violation. Involuntary just means forced to me, and I found it the opposite of healing. 😞 I'm very traumatised.
And the only help people have offered seems to be more of the same.

[HiveMind]

Thanks for your reply!
I'm an avid Pokemon Go player and enjoy going for walks around town and used to set goals of doing at least 5km of walking a day. My boyfriend and I met through our mutual interest in the game.

I've tried journaling so many times! I have a half-finished blog, book and a notebook app all dedicated for using as diaries and overtime I tend to forget to add them.

Reading too, is a good hobby I enjoy. I used to buy a book at work that looks interesting every now and then and plow through it. Commit to reading a chapter or two at night.

I find it so hard to stay on-track sometimes. I can commit to projects, even complete them. But there are periods where, even when I don't feel depressed, I don't have the motivation to do something new. I'll wind up just binge watching a tv series I've already seen just to switch off. I think that's why indefinite projects like keep a journal fall through.

I have a manuscript I've been working on and off (Mostly off) for my entire adult life. It's such a huge part of my life that I've poured all this energy into, yet for months or the better part of a year I won't even touch it. And then one day I'll become obsessed with it. Spend all my spare waking moments drafting and editing.

Photography is a good habit. On walks, or just around the house I'd find something interesting and take a picture of it. My boyfriend would take me out to places, nearby towns or lookouts to take photos at. Lately I've been just been bound to within walking distance of home. 😕

It's funny you should suggest sitting in the sun! I've just gotten into looking at these webcomics called Strange Planet, about aliens and their fascination with humans' ordinary experiences. There's one I was just looking at about an alien that gets a tan and his friend thinks it makes him look more attractive. Instead of a tan they refer to it as "Star damage" and the final panel is his friend enviously saying "I crave star damage." Which has become my mantra lately as I've been working a lot and wishing I had more time to go outside.

[monkey_magic]

Morning HiveMind,

You are correct, I believe in everything you are saying except I don't think they will trace your call and hospitalize you. But I can understand your fear because of the way they treated you in the past. Being locked up in a psych ward was a traumatic experience for me also.

That's strong of you to want to be in control of your situation which really has me believing you will do things for your best interests and you really want things to change.

Heck, you made many positive changes to your life so you are so capable of doing so again.

My method of beating depression was to exercise a lot. And talk things through, and express pent up feelings and emotions.

Your boyfriend can be a source of love and comfort for you. I remember really needing lots of hugs during that time.

I think you're an intelligent and insightful person. I would google alternatives to self harm, how to beat depression etc etc....and see what you can find.

I'd also create a support network of ppl you trust and can turn to when youre feeling the urge to self harm.

Hopefully others can jump on board as well with some ideas.

Best of luck.

💜

[Sophie_M]

Hi HiveMind,

We're sorry to hear you didn't find the webchat useful but do hope you find the support, advice and conversation you receive here helpful.

While we recognise your reluctance to reach out for medical help, we would urge you to reconsider. We have a directory of professionals you might find helpful here - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/find-a-professional - especially if you don't already have a regular GP you feel comfortable talking to about yout mental health. It might also help you stop worrying about being stigmatised to familiarise yourself with the facts about anxiety and depression: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts. In Australia it is estimated that nearly 1 in 2 people will experience these things at one point or another in their lifetime.

Another avenue of support you may feel more comfortable pursuing is reading books about depression, often by people who have experience it directly. We have a few threads on this already.  Please check out:
Helpful books and resources
Books and other resources
Can anyone recommend any self help books etc for motivation/setting goals?
Helpful books and products for anxiety and depression Best self-help books for depression

We hope this helps. Please check in here and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

From your recent post it sounds like you are doing the right things.

Since the time you tried to end your life, what sort of the distraction and coping tools you learnt? Are you still using these?

My own experience is that on the days I feel better I will likely skip using my tools, whatever they might be. The next part might not sound like fun... my psych. told me that sometimes when we want to get to the top of the mountain we have to go through valleys to find a better pathway to the top.

As for a diagnosis... And I am aware you are not wanting to see someone face to face... that is something I leave to the professional to deal with. When we read something online we can draw conclusions that might not be 100% correct. That said there are a number of threads on the forums that discuss bipolar. And if writing here is helpful for you, please continue to do it. The people here are supportive and caring.

Listening to you,

Tim

[HiveMind]

Since my boyfriend saw that history on my phone he hasn't touched me. I had to confront him a couple days later to talk to him about it because he cut off contact and then he couldn't look at me. He says he's afraid, and feels guilty. He says he'll support me.
We've resorted to long messaging about our feelings, trying to sort it out and salvage some sort of relationship. But sometimes I feel like his hearts not in it. He doesn't want the complications. And I just want us back to how we used to be. I feel heartbroken getting out of the car without a kiss, or when he uses my proper name instead of the petname I'd grown accustomed to. I've cancelled a few times because I can't handle it.
I feel more alone and rejected as well and I've mentioned that, knowing I can't control how either of us feels. He said he didn't want me to live for him and I should find a support network. I was a bit hurt that it sounded like he didn't want to be the one I could lean on.

We live separately so I find myself home alone, stuck with my own company, thoughts. It drives me mad.

We just spent most of the weekend together doing things with a friend and I felt, I don't know, unimportant another guest on the ride-along. The friend was a bit self-absorbed, talking louder than my quiet self. So I was constantly cut-off mid sentence, until I finally stopped contributing. I could easily not have been there.
He did pick on the withdrawn reaction, and kind of made fun of it, probably assuming it was a mood swing, rather a reaction to what was going on. I think he realized yesterday, because he kept asking me what I was about to say when I got cut off.

I think I started rambling a bit here somewhere. Just thinking about a lot of things.

[HiveMind]

I don't have a support network. Hell, even my pets were dying of old age. (One died while I was in hospital! I'm still angry at missing saying goodbye because I wasn't allowed to leave. I didn't even know that he passed until I got out because I couldn't contact anyone)

After my hospitalisation, I told my dad.
Months later when I went to visit him for Christmas, he tried to force me to stay there. Actually told me I couldn't go back to the house I was renting from him, and I had to live with him and my step-mother/siblings in a rural town. I didn't drive and there was no public transport, so he effectively kidnapped me. Said that I had to stay until he could trust me, that I went to psych appointments etc. He's a pretty stubborn person that you can't argue with. There was no way that I was going to stay there. Keep in mind, that I am adult at this time too. I ended up breaking out of the house, contacting a friend from back home, hours away and luckily her mother was travelling across state on her way back from holidays: She detoured and brought me back to my hometown, where | packed up my things and moved in with my friend.
That friend, is good she understands these types of things, but over the past year or so we haven't been as close. Known each other since childhood, but we're just very different and I eventually had to find my own place and drifted. The kind of, in-and-out whirlwind friendship: If that is a thing.

Ah, my point was, I don't really have anyone that I could talk to immediately if I came into a crisis. If I for example had the sudden urge to do something reckless there is no one I could call and be like: "Hey, talk me down." My boyfriend, I'm afraid I'd that even though he would come through for in a crisis, it would push him further away.
And I don't know how to build a network. My family, even though they know about this past, I just can't trust them (Now, thanks to this; they think I have relationship issues causing a slight depression but don't know the exact details).

I can't see myself building a relationship with someone where I can share such personal information in a quick amount of time; and also, bringing up these feelings with someone whom I already know but can't even keep in regular contact with now seems.. Awkward.