Hi Alan4424
I find you to be amazing in regard to how far you've come. Let me elaborate...
In looking back at my 15 or so years in depression which I left behind some time ago, I am amazed by the incredible effort I made to raise myself through both a general lack of guidance and depressing circumstances. You face a monumental quest to come to know yourself under the circumstances. Give yourself credit.
You have come to raise yourself the know you are more than the world of drugs. You've come to raise yourself to know your life is worth fighting for, no matter how much you want this overwhelming challenge to end. You've come to raise yourself to choose isolation as opposed to choosing destructive relationships. You have faced the challenge of changing environments, of trying to ground yourself out of the highs that come with risk and you now face the challenge of asking 'Where to, from here?' Of course, you have also accepted the challenging of employing people to guide you, your GP and psyche. I believe you to be an incredible person, in search of your most natural self.
I can relate to your attempt, where you ended up calling an ambulance. For me, I called a friend who drove me to hospital. I think this was the moment where I discovered how much I wanted to live. I knew it would be tough to live my way out of depression yet I decided to accept the challenge. Depressing circumstances presented themselves to me between then and finally coming out but I remember the day where I decided I wanted to live and this is what got me through. My attempt was when I chose to live alone rather than in a depressing relationship. For me, the best thing I did was to move back in with someone. I knew I couldn't tolerate living on my own. Wondering if moving in with your parents would serve you well at this time where things are deeply challenging. I'm hoping they're the sort of folk to raise you and not bring you down.
I believe when it comes to who we naturally are, most of us get some inkling. We may have met our natural self in our younger years at some point, as the writer, the artist, the rescuer of animals, the volunteer (for a good cause), the freedom fighter (rebel), the natural sage and counselor to friends, the nature lover and the list goes on. When we begin to remember our self, such a process is sped up by finding those who share the same nature. Like attracts like. When we remember who we are, we know the circle of friends to begin looking for.
🙂
