Words: Friends or Foe? How can writing help you.

[quirkywords]

People can be afraid of words as they have no confidence in what they write. Maybe at school teachers have said negative things about their writing or their parents have said they don't write well.

Some people are anxious to write their first post as they wonder if they will make sense to others.

I believe words are your friends and everyone who can read this can write in meaningful way.

I want to look at how writing can help you

1) by helping you to explain and express your feelings to others

2) allowing you to connect to others through your words

3) by keeping a journal or starting a thread here and learn from your own writing and read others.

4) by helping you work out how to change certain behaviours

and many more we can share with each other.

To start at the beginning : Are words your friend or foe?

When you see a blank page or screen are you filled with fear or are you excited at the challenge.

Does writing words down help you more or in a different way to speaking them?

Everyone is welcome to contribute, first time posters , regulars, people who don't like writing , people who find they go the character limit for the post every time.

Write on

Quirky

PS writing in this context is same as typing , or using voice to text.

I want to look at how words can help you express your thoughts and emotions?

[quirkywords]

hello everyone,

Moon,

Thanks for your reply . Words can help as we have explored but words can also.

Do written or spoken words upset you more and why?

Does it also depend on who writes or says the words on how hurt you feel?

If the person apologises later sincerely does this help?

Quirky

[Moonstruck]

Hello dear Quirky...your question "written or spoken words?"

...spoken I guess. Hardly anyone "writes" anything, good or bad, any more these days..except for email...and I think my writing skills would enable me to match them word for word if I absolutely had to...or, if a misunderstanding, could communicate effectively enough to sort it out.

if the spoken word, it would have to be very very destructive and hurtful for me to unleash back on them verbally...because I believe I could turn them into a quivering wreck if I got started. My vocabulary and communications experience can be quite handy.

again I have to say to you (and I know it's getting boring hearing it from me) I honestly cannot recall occasions where anyone said or wrote anything to me which hurt or upset me. If there were someone who constantly "hurt or upset" me, they would simply be no longer in my life or on my radar...(the only exception of course would be close family, my children etc...but they are loving towards me too!!

If there are people who hurt you, either verbally or the written word...can I ask you with the best intentions...why do you let them remain in your life?

[Summer Rose]

Hi Moonstruck

Your question intrigued me ...

If there are people who hurt you, either verbally or the written word...can I ask you with the best intentions...why do you let them remain in your life?

I think these kind of situations exist all the time for a variety of reasons. Here are some examples from my life:

• My mother says nasty things to me that hurt my feelings regularly. She is in my life because I love her and I know she is old and sick (cancer).

• My mother-in-law is the same towards me and our family, very cutting remarks. She is in my life because she is not all bad despite her sharp tongue, and she is loved by my husband. I would never want to hurt him.

• One of my dearest friends has no filter. But she is also bi-polar. I accept the good with the bad and we laugh it off. I would rather have her- warts and all- in my life than lose her over something petty. She needs me and I need her.

In answer to Quirky's question, I believe that written words hurt more. This is because the person had to go through a lot of steps to give you the message and likely had a lot of opportunities to temper their words or change their mind. I think it's easier to let go of words blurted out or spoken in anger.

[Moonstruck]

Hi there Summer Rose...I do see my question sounded a bit harsh..I did try to differentiate between people in general and "family" which of course your own mother, and your husband's mother are...and your dearest friend is bi-polar and as you say "has no filter" so there is an explanation there for any hurtful words.......

luckily my close friends are always supportive and loving, my own mother has passed on and family members don't seem to say or write hurtful things either..

what I wondered was, why allow "others" apart from family..e.g. acquaintances, friends of friends, neighbours, etc remain an integral part of your life, if they hurt or upset you. Hoping this has clarified things a bit..

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Moon,

To be honest the people who have upset me and it is only rarely are those close to me.

Summer Rose has explained it well and I have loved ones who rarely may say something to upset me.

So to answer your question I don't allow others in my life to upset because there are not any.

Moon, I knew what you meant and it was a good question. I think we all have different experiences, my children are loving but at very rare times they give me feedback which is seen as helpful but I see as hurtful criticism.

Summer Rose , I relate to your comment. We make allowances for people who are ill , our, friends, our loved ones.

I have a friend with BPD whom I email and often she will push me away or say something hurtful but now I know she will apologise the next day I just know it is part of who she is.

Thanks Summer Rose and Moon for your well though out contributions.

Quirky

[Summer Rose]

Hi Moonstruck, Quirky and all

Seems I missed your original differentiation Moonstruck. I went straight to those closest to me as examples because they are the only people with the power to actually hurt me. Not much else gets to me in my personal world, I either don't care or it doesn't happen or I put up with for a valid reason.

My professional life is quite different but it's much more about hidden meanings, politics and manoeuvring than it is about directly spoken words. But I know there are many people who deal with difficult bosses and co-workers and hurtful comments all the time because they simply have no choice (at least in the short-term) and the effects of this toxic workplace behaviour can be quite devastating. That's probably the only on-topic example I can think of to answer your question.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Thanks Summerrose for your comments. it is sad that in a workplace people have to put up with hurtful comments..

There seems to be so many workshops these days so that we get along with others and don’t offend others, yet people still seem to hurt each other with ill chosen words.

What causes people to say hurtful things to others in a work environment so that it becomes so toxic people leave?

I find that so disappointing that despite all the awareness about healthy workplaces and the importance of mental health , things are not changing .

Quirky

[Summer Rose]

Hi Quirky

You have sure posed the million dollar question: What causes people to say hurtful things to others in a work environment so that it becomes so toxic people leave? As an employer who deals with these types of issues all the time, I wish I had the answer.

What I have found is that sometimes people are genuinely not aware they are causing harm to another person and it's a relatively easy fix through mediation, counselling and training. Other times I've found the alleged bully is simply unaware of what constitutes appropriate workplace conduct (despite training) but again this can be managed.

But there are other times, yet again, when the alleged bully knows exactly what they are doing, knows it's wrong and doesn't care. These types of people usually accept no responsibility for their words or actions, refuse to acknowledge the harm they cause and lash out further at their victims (the mentality being the best defence is an attack). Here lies the real challenge and the solution hinges on management's ability to "walk the talk" and monitor and enforce policy/procedure.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Summer Rose .

I find the last category the most perplexing.

Does the alleged bully act because they have been bullied or do they have no empathy for others.?

Do you ever have to let a person go if they will not follow company guidelines or is everyone trainable?

Quirky

[Summer Rose]

Hi Quirky

I don't really know why the alleged bully in that difficult category acts the way they do. They usually deny, deflect and blame others. Common sense tells me there must be an underlying reason but it's difficult to know unless they disclose. I've personally never heard a reason that makes sense and there is no excuse.

In these circumstances if it doesn't stop after the parties have been separated and disciplinary action is taken it can lead to termination of employment.

I think where the system fails, and I'm thinking of some of the spectacular media stories involving CEOs or the "star" of the show etc, is when the company doesn't want to lose the alleged bully and instead of following process they choose not to believe the victim and interfer with the principles of natural justice. Thankfully there are many avenues for people to complain outside of their workplaces.

Words hurt. They can be devasting.