Why social media is no good for you

[white knight]

Facebook has in my case been my biggest Achilles heal in the last 3 years and on line forums before that.

My problems with Facebook has, admittedly been my sensitivity, my not realising it is a haven for nastiness and my ignorance to how to use it. More on that later.

But my last straw with FB was this morning. Two friends I know personally, husband and wife, have each posted fresh posts about who is their best friend.  The woman posted her husband as her best friend.  Her husband posted another woman as his best friend.  Time to jump ship here!! This is kindagarten stuff that should have been left at the sand pit.

These are people over 50yo. Doesnt it all seem a bit..err...childish?

I thought I had tried everything to make FB work. I defriended 140 "friends" earlier this year. I've blocked the toxic and the bullies, I've refrained from commenting when it would explode the topic. I've gone to the end of the earth...well it seemed I did.

My problem is that I dont want to lose the service. There are long time friends on there that I value, that dont cause me harm and it is my only means to maintain contact with them. 

So, having said that I realised today that by clicking the "follow" button to make it "unfollow" I can still have contact if I want to but I dont get to be sent their posts, only their occasional comments.

I'll give that a try. Pity there wasnt a half day class I could have attended 3 years ago to educate myself on how to use Facebook.

It all has resulted in driving me to the garden. No I dont have FB on my mobile phone- I refuse to.

I've also come to the conclusion Fb is not productive to my life enough to warrant it. In fact if I take an overview of the concept, it has harmed me in more ways than any other over the years, caused confusion and I would have been better off without it- period. I have a dear friend that works in therapy and I've consulted her on many occasions to see her view on FB comments made so she can steer me away from my over reactions.

So I'm off to the garden, might cook some mini muffins, might play with my Fox terrier. And if I can try hard, I might just log onto Facebook only to see if there are any messages. Then log out.

The Facebook game's final siren is near. Some of us have enough issues in life without so called "friends".

[white knight]

Hi everyone,  thankyou for your valuable comments.

It's been 5 weeks now without FB and its great.  Some of the problems I faced on FB were-  

Reading comments of a friend of a friend, people I'd never met, and I didnt know their humour. I would comment to that second person and easily get into conflict.

Get involved in passionate subjects. Not long ago Mcdonalds wanted to and did build a restaurant in Tecoma Vic. There were huge protests. It dragged thousands of people inot the conflict including me.  All I did was make one comment, that stopping workers building the building is not right etc. And the abuse was massive back to me. Even my "friends" chipped in as I didnt know it was pasted to my 'wall'.

Friends on FB include those that are not friends. Some in my case in a motorcycle club, were interstate and when I posted pics of Queensland on my holiday they got angry as I didnt visit them. I never visit people on holidays only relatives passing through. Thats my choice. But it isnt a free choice according to my "friends" I've never met.

[triptych]

I'm so glad that this thread is here.
My experience with social media has been similar to what you have described WK. There'd always end up some argument or hurt caused and I'd be left feeling like a jerk. It always seemed to go bad whatever I tried. I'm a pretty private person, so always made sure to have my privacy settings up to date, but these sites have pretty insidious profit models (even if I have a profile that is fully private, if even one friend doesn't, the door is open), and no matter what I tried, strangers always found their way into my life, or worse, people I know who I deliberately chose to keep out. I tried everything, even fake profiles, to no avail.

Eventually I decided to rip the band-aid off clean, and about a year ago deleted/removed myself from all social media (I've tentatively joined this forum, fingers crossed) and in terms of my mental health, I couldn't have made a better decision.

At first my friends were mortified, until I explained to them that I am not dead, and not so long ago we maintained complex relationships without a keyboard. They've adapted to my decision, ... and you know what? I'm actually hearing from them more now than I did before.   I get phone calls... they last longer than an online "chat" and the content is far more meaty.  I feel like I am regaining closeness that the social media we thought would bring us closer together robbed us of.

The real world has no character limits, no emoticons, no confusion over subtext. Real voices, real smiles and real out loud laughter. I can't recommend it enough.

Now, if only I could turn back the clock to before mobile phones, so people can't flake out of commitments so easily... but that's a post for another day.

[white knight]

Hi triptych, welcome

Glad you picked up on this thread, its been out there a while now.

My experience with Facebook has been the opposite in that when I left it for 5 months I lost vital contacts. Yes I could have said to myself "if they don't want me otherwise then they aren't worth it" but the reality is that the world of my friends in communication terms, centres around FB.

So for me success with that site is more a management thing. Since I tightened up my security settings and kept my "friends" to a minimum (I don't approve a friend request unless I really want them) things have been ok. No bullying, no nasty issues.

You can see I've had 1875 posts. In that time I've only had around 3 that were less than ideal. All 3 IMO were from people that weren't nasty but took my words wrongly. One recently for example was asking for advice. In part of my advice as I commonly do, I told her that she needed to be more 'realistic' in her thoughts and not rely on her imagination. She replied "if I wanted someone to tell me to get a reality check I wouldn't have come on here". I replied to her but she never came back. The fact is that someone suggesting to be more realistic is far different than tell someone to "get a reality check". The latter is more aggressive. So I put it down to her having issues with being easily offended.

So I think your time here will be of great benefit to you. I find that reaching out to others has just as much benefit to me than them. I've learned a lot since coming on here especially others symptoms of their mental illnesses.

Social media is a mine field. For me- yes I'll keep it in my life if there is little conflict and one has to contain that media to do this. As for the mobile phone thing I get annoyed when you are having a good conversation and they get a call. "I'll just answer this". Their apology never holds weight. What is worse is a friend of mine that has 'call waiting' on his phone and everytime I ring him he gets a call.."I've got a call Tony....I'll just answer it". What he is saying is- this call is more important than the conversation I'm having with you.

I no longer ring him. And I found it too hard to discuss the issue with him.

Tony WK

[triptych]

I'm glad to hear that you've made it work for you WK, and I am in no way saying that others must follow my lead. I'm just glad I did it.  It worked for the reason I chose to do it, but the unforseen benefit of rediscovering real and significant personal contact has been the greatest surprise and joy.

The losing of vital contacts that I had rediscovered through facebook and the like was the greatest fear I had when I considered leaving social media, but I came up with a solution that was so easy it was laughable.. Can't believe I stressed about it. I messaged all of my friends on social media individually and told them that I was unplugging, and gave them my phone number, address and email address, and asked those that I didn't hold contact details for to send me theirs. Disco!

The mobile phone thing... Grrr... my pet peev with them is back in the day you had to make plans to meet at a certain time and place in advance, you had to be able to catch someone on their land line when they were at home or work - and then you went there at the assigned time and place, It was almost impossible to back out once plans were made.  It's way too easy to send an impersonal text at the last minute blowing the plans off these days.  Many times since mobiles appeared I've been left at the agreed meeting place staring at my phone in disappointment and disgust as I am informed in a few words "can't make it"  You couldn't have told me that sooner?.. Not just by friends and family, but clients and employees too.
I fear this world of ours is becoming impersonal and we are all becoming gradually disconnected from one another.

[white knight]

Hi triptych

In effect what we are doing or considering doing is turning back the clock or stopping it!

I have a married couple as friends, very close friends and they, when he retired moved from the western suburbs of Melbourne to the Mallee region 3 hours from the city.

Their plans were firm, one mobile phone, no internet, no type writer (remember them?), all bills made so they can pay them off a short walk to the shops and so on. I texted them once then rang later to ask them if he got it and he said "I don't know how to read them and please don't show me". They have planned the last couple of decades with simplicity.

I'm 59 and my wife is 51yo. We are pensioners now. We have since retiring made a good size vegie garden with sprays and drippers, planted plants around a dam we can view from the front verandah, managing social media fits in with this concept...even my mobile phone is usually left in the house on charge while we garden or walk the dog.

But my transition to a relaxed and less stressful life started 2 decades ago. But initially I didn't get it right. Of all the necessary ingredients of a stressless life I fell into more debt to build my home. This factor was critical to the tumbling down of the plan. I'm so much wiser about it all. For example-

I've learned that country living IMO that is within commuter range of a large city isn't really country living. If your are 2 hours or more away then you are in an area that has had country people there from their childhood. Housing is cheaper and the risk of more houses nearby is far less. Employment is harder to come by though and that's a challenge.

And there is that risk that social media can undo all the plans laid down. Effectively one of those key ingredients of limited contact with people overall is flaunted. Why limited contact with people "overall"? Well I go by the reason that the less strangers I meet the less chance of meeting and having to deal with a person I find toxic. It's worked so far in my small town.

My main reason for FB is to keep in contact with the friends I have in my motorcycle club. These friends have over many years proven they have accepted me...even are protective of me. One close friend even scouts new members to let me know if I should be wary of them. They know of my fragility.

As for this forum, I can drop out when I please. I can choose not to answer a post or not to continue on with the thread. I am among my own.

Tony WK

[triptych]

My main reason for leaving social media was to de-clutter my life.  I dabbled for a while and found various elements unattractive to me for various reasons, so I left it all behind. 

My missus, on the other hand, is the opposite... She'll take up the next big thing happily and readily.. She's got her facebook, then she has her twitter, then she has her instagram... she loves it. I wouldn't  dream of trying to convince her otherwise.   Theres an added bonus in this for me too - she may find  the latest hilarious cat gif on her feed that I may not have seen, and she shows me. We have a good laugh together.  She is like my filter... A further privacy setting.  She'll be off tapping away on twitter while we watch Q and A and if there's any important discussion going on there, she summarises for me.... and if she misses some comment that one of the guests says because she has her attention in 4 places at once, I can summarise for her.
So I'm not completely stepping back in time.  I'm getting the best of both worlds, in a way.  She's happy and I'm happy.

One surprise though recently... some friends had a baby, and I found out before her, even with all her social media accounts!   Score 1 for the old fashioned phone call!

[Guest_2350]

Hello everyone,

 very much appreciate the threat! I have been thinking at times, that there is something wrong with me when I cannot cope with all the ... on social media... but social media has me firmly in its grip at times.

I have tried it all... having hundreds of contacts - I have lived & worked in a few countries so at first it was very exciting and time consuming to find everyone. Then I quit all together. Then I had 2 accounts, one for family & close friends, one for work & acquaintances. Then I quit both accounts. Now I have 1 account again with my family and close friends - who live abroad - and some new friends from here. I weed out my accounts on a regular basis and block people that don't keep in touch. For me it is less the bad comments, it is more about people not really caring. If I am one of their 500 friends, who cares? They don't even notice if I delete them, they have no real interest in me and if they do, they can find me. I keep FB for two main reasons: to keep my family and friends close and let them share my life here - it is not their fault that I moved half way around the world, and they do care about me. And with my new buddies, I sometimes just try to reach out and make new friends and I have also found friends and we share our adventures on FB and also communicate in group messages about new adventures 🙂

It is difficult to find the balance. People want you on all sort of accounts and apps these days and often I say yes, as it does not really harm to have another app on the phone? Then I regret it and the cycle starts again.

I have also contemplated not posting here anymore, as it gives me another excuse to hide in the virtual world, but then I have no one to talk to in the real world about my issues and people here actually "get it", so I guess there is sense in staying here.

I would be happy to take one step back in time and read my email on my bulky computer and I would also put up with the nasty ring tone of the good old modem. But work requires tablets and smart phones and accessibility at impossible times...

[triptych]

Hi yggy, thanks for adding your perspective.

I understand how technology these days is everywhere and can be overwhelming sometimes, and also understand that in this day and age its near impossible to step back.

You mentioned that workwise you need these things, but perhaps you could try setting aside time outside of work to unplug.

I banned all appliances from the bedroom for example. No TV no phones no tablets.  It is now by far the calmest area of the house and I feel like I sleep better.

You could also try something like challenging yourself not to check your phone for, say, half an hour after you wake up.

These are just a couple of suggestions, but the general idea is to draw a clear line in the sand with technology. You may not need to go to extremes like me deleting all my accounts or white knight going bush, but you'll never know if you don't try a few things out.

Best of luck, and if you find anything that works for you, please, check in here and let us know.

[triptych]

One more thing I just thought of... You mention trying to separate friends family and work with social media... Have you tried Google+ ?

It's got a pretty neat feature called circles which is very effective at managing different groups in your life... As you add someone, you pop them into a 'circle' for family, friend, acquaintance, work and so on, and then when you  post something or send a message it only goes to the circle/s that you select.

[Guest_2350]

Hi triptych,

thank you for your reply.

I do need to set boundaries, a device free bedroom is a great idea for a first start! I always seem to get sucked in and I find excuses... my sleeping meditation is on my iphone, so I started bringing the phone back in the bedroom, then I started to check my phone when I wake at night - probably waking myself up even more... and so the spiral down begins... I will be overseas soon and not be able to have access to the net all the time, I think that will be a nice detox for my head.

I have looked at google+ before, it is a great idea, but I would not change from FB.  I have got all my senior family members on FB and I would not like to change the app now that they have got used to using FB. For everyone else I don't really think I need anything. All my business contacts are in linkedin or locally stored and I don't really share personal information with them anyhow.

I will have to make a decision soon whether to take my work laptop to Europe... After reading this threat, I really should not, I think, I should shut off and enjoy my holidays. I need to be available for emergencies. I am contemplating to tell the key staff to sms me or send me urgent requests to my private email address. There is not really that much I can do when I am away, and I don't want to fall in the trap of reading 100+ emails a day that spam my work account every single day.

The wonders of modern technology... Have a great evening, Yggy