When is saying "No" necessary and why is it so damn hard?

[Just Sara]

Today I've come across 3 posts where saying "No" has challenged them to the hilt. I don't know how many times I hear/read this from others. The beginning of my own 'No' journey was at 33 when my mother berated and threatened me for saying it. But I stuck to my guns and the rest is history. I'm still practising, but it's always hard.

I understand you don't need to feel the sting of MH issues to struggle with saying 'No'; it affects the best of us at times. Unfortunately though, it hits some harder than others.

I was afraid of not being wanted, needed or appreciated. In my world that was interpreted as not being loved. I became needy, clingy and a little passive/aggressive. (Thru resentment of not being given the same attention in return)

I was drawn to damaged partners who 'really' needed me. I'd make their life better thru my support, then they'd leave, have an affair or gradually pull away.

Is this an epidemic or what? And is it women who do this moreso than men?

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Sez for your reply, I have two threads. One Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues is my main thread & discusses the issues related to my own MH & stresses in my life impacting on it. I get replies to that thread.

The other thread How to support married son with severe depression when his wife seems to make situation worse is in the çarers section of the forums & is specifically to discuss the issues re my son & how I can support him without making the situation worse. I received a couple of replies when I first posted but that was before this latest incident so the situation has changed. I recieved a reply today after replying to you. I would appreciate any input.

[fred4761]

I too have struggled with saying no without feeling that I need to justify my decision. I came across an interview with Shonda Rhimes and Oprah, where Shonda says that she learned that "no is a complete sentence", you don't need to give any explanation. I like the idea of it and I can say no to people, but then I usually end up feeling guilty for not helping out and for putting my own needs ahead of others.

[Just Sara]

Hey and welcome Fred!

Thanks for your comments. Saying "No" can be a complete sentence. I love it! Just perfeck! 🙂

Guilt is a pretty useless emotion don't you think? (unless you've done something illegal or purposely hurt someone. Intent's important)

When I first started in my recovery I had to question my resolve because I was confused about right/wrong. I suppose trauma and abuse (of power) does that.

People forget we're 'all' separate identities who each have the right (and responsibility) to make choices and be at peace with those decisions. (Good or bad) If my mum's not happy with my decision, that's her cross to bare, not mine. She can talk to me about it, then the ball's in my court. That's the way it works yeah?

I admire your guts to say 'no'; absolutely. It's mighty, mighty. You can't keep everyone happy though unless you want to open yourself up to being used and abused; 'boundaries' and 'limits'.

Again, welcome; nice to meet you Fred. Hope the forum has lots to offer you personally and in terms of interest.

Post here anytime ok. Would love to hear from you again.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[geoff]

Hi Sez, a good thread.

Years and years ago when I was young and first started out doing handyman work my second job was to tile a kitchen, dining room and hallway floor with tiles, I should have said 'no' because there were problems I made which embarrassed me, but my ego couldn't be damaged and I completed the job, got paid, but vowed to say NO next time I was asked to do a similar job, but over time I learnt from my mistakes and continued on laying tiles if asked, but not now.

Not my favourite job and now I have trouble getting myself up from the floor, it's probably knowledge, experience and old age, all combined.

Don't be afraid to say NO.

Geoff.

[blondguy]

Hi Sara

Its only through my own background with anxiety and depression that I now understand that my struggle to say 'No' was a result of my low esteem and lack of self confidence

Its seems to be common with some mental illnesses..unfortunately

Your thread topic is important  and thankyou

My respect and kind thoughts

Paul

[quirkywords]

Hi Sez,

i can't believe I have just found this thread when it is very topical

for me,

Guilt maybe a useless emotion but it is my go to emotion and I come from a long line of guilty or should I say guilt ridden people. If I say no to doing a favour I was asked. I will feel very guilty . I can rationalise and analyse its lack of use but it is there.

i can say no but I want to say no with out apologising, overexposing and the guilt of course.

Is it ok to explain why you say no.? My trouble is I ramble and get everyone confused.

I get more let down when someone says yes I will do that a d very close to time you are relying on them, they say they can't do it.

I have found the discussion informative.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello Sez, everyone,

Thanks to Quirky bumping this up to front page I just found this thread as well.

Saying no has had very painful repercussions for me right through my life..Saying no is still something I struggle with so hard..

If I'm asked to do anything at all, I say....yes...okay..not a problem..without even thinking about the question..Then when I'm doing what I agreed to, I am so beating myself up for not saying no....and being so weak.

I tried saying no at work not that long ago, the other girls there were shocked at my answer and said that I wasn't being fair with them, so within two minutes of me saying no..I was doing what I was asked to do anyway...

When we have been taught to not say no from an early age..it's hard to change that part of our brain...as it's drummed into our brains from an early age and our brain learns that its not okay to say no..

Grandy..

[Just Sara]

Hi Geoff, Paul, Quirky and Karen;

Thanks for contributing;

Yes, all you've said is relevant and important for sure. We could talk about it till the cows come home, but it's the 'doing' that creates and promotes change in one's self confidence; the 'saying' of that word; isn't it?

No! Not really. Nuh! No way Jose! Ни за что! Non c'è modo! En aucune façon! !لا يمك とんでもない! 안돼! 没有! නැත! Nein! De ninguna manera! wihya!

...or in Aussie speak; "You takin' the piss?! Nah..piss awf!"

In whatever language, it means the same. 'I don't want to!' What better a reason is there?

Sez

[Just Sara]

For those who might be confused by the above post;

'No' means 'no' in any language..

🙂 Sez

[blondguy]

Thankyou Sara 🙂

Now I understand that my Windows XP Professional is really dead in the water when i read " とんでもない! 안돼! 没有! නැත"

Just my thoughts...I feel that my years of having trouble saying no was as a result of my low self worth

I know several people without depression/anxiety that have huge problems saying no too

Thanks for the great thread Sara

Have a good weekend 🙂

Paul