What is honesty and how does it affect your mental health?

[quirkywords]

I want to discuss what honesty means to you and your health.

People say that they fake being well, or wear a mask so no one knows their pain.Is this being honest.

When we do not admit our flaws and our behaviours does this make it harder to have insight into our illness and harder to get better?

Do we need to be honest with ourselves and others in order to be well.?

Honesty can be a very subjective personal word. What one people feels is being honest another may feel is not.

For many years I was in denial about my illness so I would admit to myself I was ill, I was not honest.

So what does honesty mean to you? So lets start a conversation. All ideas welcome.

Everyone is welcome to comment, new posters, regular posters, I want everyone's ideas.

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

This thread is about honesty& its impact on mental health. I think there are 2 distinct sides.

How does being honest impact ourselves. I believe we need to be honest with ourselves & towards other people. Deliberate lies drag us down & lead to worry about being found out.Avoiding telling the truth because we are worried about how others will react is unhelpful although I suspect many of us with low self esteem are guilty of this because we aren't confident of others reactions but it keeps us feeling insecure. Learning to stand up for ourselves by giving honest answers in a confident but tactful manner is an important skill to learn. We need to be able to say I would prefer to do X rather than trying to fit in with others. It is also important to be able to say calmly It really upsets me when you say/do x Í would prefer you did Y. Conversely we don't need to say things which are likely to hurt or upset someone without a really good reason such as to stop them doing something which hurts you. I certainly don't tell my daughter she looks fat because I know she is sensitive about this & like most people she doesn't need that being rubbed in.

The other side to honesty is other people's honesty. We can't control what others do so we need to find ways to deal with their comments. We may need to let tactfully them know that their comments are not wanted if appropriate. Otherwise trying to keep things in perspective & reminding ourselves it is just their opinion

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone reading please feel free to join in,

Elizabeth, Thanks for your thoughtful summary. I feel we need to think how are words will affect others and also try to recognise that I don’t have let others comment upset me.

I am who I am and if I feel confident I can cope even when a love does ones says something that Imcould let upset me. So if we are aware of the power of words to wound when need to have an emotional rescue plan on handy at all times.

everyone’s emotional first aid kit will be different Utnif one recognises they need one it should be kept handy and updated.

Keeping a perspective is easier said than done and sometimes we are a,busted and don’t have time to access our mental health tool kit. Being aware of what can upset us , will up us to cope and deal with unwanted feedback.

Thanks again for your input Elizabeth.

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

The title of the thread was how does honesty affect your mental health.

I think one way honesty is extremely important is in being open & honest with people involved in our support including professionals, family & friends. Sometimes we say the things we think they want to hear or we miss out on information because of embarrassment or fear of what the other person will think. Noone can give appropriate support if they don't really understand what matters to you or what has happened. For example years ago my son's case manager suggested he tried volunteering to move towards being able to return to work. (He was severely depressed) Suggestions for volunteering made by the case manager did not suit my son. Fortunately he was honest & so more suitable options were found which eventually led my son to return to study & a new career. This successful outcome would not have occured if my son wasn't open & honrst in what he wanted.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Elizabeth thanks for your comment.

Honesty with our health professional is as you point out so important. if we don't tell them what is happening how can they help us to get better.

I know some people are worried what the doctor will say if tell what we are truly feeling esp;ecilasly when we find it scary or unnatural.

Elizabeth this is a great point and thanks for making it.

What do people feel causes them not be honest with their health professional?

Have you ever felt like not telling the truth because you were worried what the reaction would be.

Quirky

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky 😊

What an important question! Good one Elizabeth for bringing it up.

I agree being honest to a medical professional is HARD! Being honest to loved ones is too but at least they care about us so we know they (hopefully) will try think the best of us. A stranger though.... A professional too... That is the ultimate in difficult. Well it was for me anyway.

Many of us seem to grow up learning to tone down our complaints. Perform. Try not to be seen as weak or a failure. How many times as a kid are we told to toughen up? So for me anyway it was hard to show weakness.

It took four years to communicate how bad I felt. I would go to the GP/midwife/community health nurse/obstetrician/psychologist (ANY professional) and I'd answer the K10 checklist honestly. Answer verbal questions honestly. But if they suggested any reason I might be feeling low I would agree.

Hmm you ticked yes to suicidal thoughts... Chronic pain? Toddlers? No sleep? Family problems? Financial stress? You name it if they justified why I felt crap I would agree.

Most importantly... The big question.... Are you at risk? I would always pause. And pause. And answer I don't know. Never no but never yes. I couldn't speak up. It felt shameful to need help. I just hoped they would see my panic and push. But noone did.

At home hubby was tearing his hair out. He would ask me what on earth are you saying to them? How could the psych say she doesn't need to see you anymore... That you're ok! You're NOT.

But I was scared to show that. What was I afraid of?

• That my kids would be taken away.
• That I'd be locked up.
• That I'd be taken to hospital away from my kids.
• The financial stress if hubby couldn't work.
• That I would lose my job.
• Medications
• The unknown. I was so so poorly educated about mental illness.
• That I would lose my freedom to choose for myself (I saw the option of suicide as freedom).
• Terrified of hurting my family.
• Terrified of hubby leaving me if I didn't at least pretend to be ok.
• Fear of medical professionals generally.
• Fear of facing the truth. If I admitted I wasn't ok it was finally real. I couldn't even pretend to myself.

A saga...

But there are so many reasons this just touches the surface.

Only now that I have taken what I saw as a massive risk of rejection I realise I didn't need to be so afraid.

Now I realise none of these fears mean as much to me as the fear of never getting to see my children grow.

But the fear is very real.

❤ Nat

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,T

nat thanks for your very hionest and comprehensive answer. it reveals that fear can stop up being honest.

I always find that question about are you feeling suicidal hard to answer and I usually don’t answer it .

i used to worry what would happen if people knew how I was really feeling and how I wasn’t coping.

My biggest problem was when I had been well for many years and I started feeling low again but thiughtnpeople would be disappointed in me. I was not depressed but I knew if I was not honest with th someone I could really trust I might go right down.

my fear of disappointing others was not as great as my fear of hitting rock bottom.

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Quirky & Nat. While I believe we cannot get proper treatment from health professionals for either physical or mental illness unless they understand what we are experiencing which means we need to be honest with them.

The real dilemma as Nat pointed out is the fear which stops us being open. Unfortunately too many people have real reasons for that fear. I have certainly experienced some very negative experiences with doctors & other health professionals who have jumped on part of the issues & then made assumptions re my competence. In those circumstances I left as quickly as I could feeling very discouraged with no idea how to overcome the problems. There was no way I could trust that doctor & felt worse than before I went in.

I'm not sure what the solution is except to seek out doctors we can trust. It takes time to build up enough rapport & trust to be open & honest & is worth persisting but like Nat I'm cautious about what I say until I feel I can really trust the health professional I'm with. The last thing we need is to be made to feel worse than we already do.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Thanks Elizabeth as a,ways you make many important points.

So from what you and Nat said we need both lack of fear and a good deal,of trust to be able to be totally honest with a health professional .

So how do we know when we find some one that we do not fear and someone we can trust?

Sometimes I have opened up to people I thought I could trust only to be disappointed later that I couldn’t. if some one says to me you can trust me, I instantly am wary of them as I feel trust should be something that is instinctive

If I am afraid a health professional will judge me I may not be as honest as I should be.

So in order for us to be honest with ourselves and others we need a lack of fear, trust and what else?

I am thinking respect , it does that automatically come with trust?

I welcome any ideas or contributions to this discussion as I think it is important.

It can be very personal so what one person requires another may not.

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

trust needs to be earned not just expected. Even if someone else tells you that so & so is really good & can be trusted it doesn't mean they are the best person for us. It takes time to build up that level of understanding & trust. Initially I was very wary of my psych. I'd had bad reactions to many meds & decided I couldn't cope with trying any more. It was only after he accepted that decision & stopped trying to encourage me to try different medications I felt I could trust him. I now feel comfortable to disagree with him because I have learnt from experience that he will try to understand my point of view.

There are other health professionals who I have never gone back to because of their treatment & lack of understanding of my situation.

I agree with Quirky that respect is essential You cannot build up the level of understanding & trust needed if you aren't treated with respect.

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky and everyone 😊

Elizabeth said you earn trust. I like that.

Quirky you spoke about weighing up which is worse... Hitting rock bottom or disappointing others....

That speaks to me too. I feel the 'weighing up' feeling a lot. I weigh up 'do I want to live' with 'do I care what you think of me'.

Wanting to live always wins. When I am afraid to trust (which happens often) I ask myself which matters more... Their opinion of you or being alive? And it helps me to speak up. The more I do this it becomes easier not to care what others think of me.

My mum in law told me once to focus on people who truly care about whether you live or not. The people who if you were desperate would help you. Those people only are the people whose opinions you should consider. Even then she said consider. It doesn't mean they are right or that you have to agree.

Everyone else can think what they like about me. And I don't have to care.

It is perhaps not the most polite or respectful point of view to have but it has truly helped me to live my life as I want to.