What is honesty and how does it affect your mental health?

quirkywords · ‎01-03-2018

I want to discuss what honesty means to you and your health.

People say that they fake being well, or wear a mask so no one knows their pain.Is this being honest.

When we do not admit our flaws and our behaviours does this make it harder to have insight into our illness and harder to get better?

Do we need to be honest with ourselves and others in order to be well.?

Honesty can be a very subjective personal word. What one people feels is being honest another may feel is not.

For many years I was in denial about my illness so I would admit to myself I was ill, I was not honest.

So what does honesty mean to you? So lets start a conversation. All ideas welcome.

Everyone is welcome to comment, new posters, regular posters, I want everyone's ideas.

Quirky

Vegetarian Marshmallow · ‎22-08-2018

I think honesty is just easier; more efficient.

You don't have to remember anything extra; it's enough effort just to live my own life, damnit -- to lie I'd have to spend a lot of time essentially writing a novel about a parallel universe without any plot holes. Tolkien spent decades on that sort of thing and even he had plot holes.

Reality backs up your story; you're not fighting against the weight of *the actual entire universe*, any piece of which could undo your puny, poorly-researched alternate story. "Yeah I definitely am in class right now". "Oh. Because the news says your classroom was hit by a comet".

quirkywords · ‎23-08-2018

Hello everyone

Vegetarian Marshmellow, love your name.

Thanks for your well though out reply. Honesty can be easy but it can be complex.

On this thread we have often discussed what the difficulties there are in telling the truth.

Sometimes a person can be honest but in another mood they feel differently, but both of their comments would reflect the truth what they were feeling at the time.

Sometimes we hide the truth from people as we know being honest would upset others.

I have written before about how I feel honesty has many degrees.

Quirky

demonblaster · ‎23-08-2018

Hi good people 🙂

Agree Quirky when I saw your name Vegetarian Marshmallow I smiled looked and thought about it for a bit, it's nice 🙂

I was talking with a friend today about speaking honestly. As mentioned tact doesn't come naturally but I do try hard. She was surprised, she thinks I'm very tactful (shocked emoji). Sadly it's often not enough.

Good point about peoples moods which also can contribute to how they react.

Another incident of showing support and care.. sigh
Years ago a very good friend (30+ yrs) I was very careful how I worded, supported in honesty her project and was offering constructive help. Went down like a sack of spuds. She retaliated with so much anger and what really stinks is she's known and loved me all those yrs and I've always supported her but apparently that didn't count.
Though since I felt a little easier on it because to my disappointment saw how she is with people under duress (which I haven't approached her on, maybe one day if a situation comes up) Wanted to hug a poor young recipient of her mood that didn't deserve it at all so gave her a big smile and thanked her.
For another thread I know but again people letting their stress out on others that haven't caused it.

I'm pretty much same as our dear Quercus, hey darl 🙂
" I'm finding it very hard to find the balance between speaking my truth and being mindful of hurting others" which isn't my intention unless of course they deserve it 🙂

So often I hear a comment whether to me or to someone else, I've thought ...really...did that need to be said
I guess if it's hurting us or someone else it does need to be and often sooner better than later because the longer we sit on it although it does allow time for lateral thought it can end up in explosions.

Thanks for creating great conversations Quirky and for your lovely comments and for great input from everyone 🙂

Vegetarian Marshmallow · ‎23-08-2018

On feelings changing, I think that's still being honest. Truth just always has this character; it's our best guess at the moment, and our understanding or the phenomenon itself can always change at any time.

On sparing feelings, I think that's disrespectful and ultimately harmful (rather than harm-preventing) to the other person; you're hiding reality from them, believing you're the only one who deserves to know it. Truth can be painful, but I think less painful right now than finding out *later*, with perhaps many decisions made in the interim, now scuttled. And it's misguided and egotistical to think that we know better how to deal with someone else's pain than they do; they're the best-equipped one to employ whatever coping mechanisms they choose, not us. In the special case that they don't have coping mechanisms, we can help them *in that*; by giving them more tools to navigate the world (coping mechanisms), not taking one away (information contributing to a best approximation of the actual state of the world; the truth).

demonblaster · ‎24-08-2018

Hi darl 🙂 Quirky and all

Recently my psych said " You're not responsible for how someone feels from your comment".
hymm I struggle with that one although there's sense in it. If it hurts them it's a result of something I said no matter how it's dressed up the points still made.

I like what you said about it giving them potentially a chance to develop coping mechanisms.

You make some good points, respectfully I don't agree with all but certainly I'll re read and consider what you've said and true a lot can hurt more when which often is the case they do hear later.

A situation recently I was hurt quite a lot with friends that both were being very kind to me which makes it that much harder.
Definitely unintentionally. I knew it wasn't because they don't like me.
I deliberated whether to speak to them about it which I was going to sometime to the closer friend and possibly to the other too but I'm glad I didn't at the time because on more thought I've realised the reason it happened which I can include when/if I speak to her/them. I was in bad shape at the time which made it harder but definitely had good reason to be hurt.

If I'd spoken at the time it would have been after the fact that I'd realised the reason which puts a new light on it and makes me wonder if I might just let it slide which actually I might.

:)

quirkywords · ‎24-08-2018

Hello everyone

DB thanks for your well thought out comments.

I am sorry that you were hurt by your friends comments.

Vegetarian marshmallow you wrote:

"On sparing feelings, I think that's disrespectful and ultimately harmful (rather than harm-preventing) to the other person; you're hiding reality from them, believing you're the only one who deserves to know it."

I was also talking about some one telling me I am fat and ugly and look very old and am an embarrassment. Do you feel that is helpful to me? The person saying it would say they are being honest and I should know how I look but in reality it is their opinion and not a fact. I think many people confuse opinion with fact and then they cause so much hurt while claiming it is the truth.

I think it is misguided and egotistical to think that a person makes a decision to give me their opinion thinking it will help me. (just using myself as an example}

As I said throughout this thread we have discussed what honesty means and the different shades of this. People can use what they call honesty to be racist, sexist,and generally discriminate against others.

Just my thoughts many may disagree , I like to discuss all aspects and get opinions.

Thanks

Quirky

Elizabeth CP · ‎24-08-2018

I agree with you Quirky. Honesty is really important but we also need to think about why we are telling someone something. If someone asks you if you look OK then it is kind to tell them about things which they can change. eg if a label is sticking out or if they have spilt something on their clothes but you can do this tactfully eg offer to tuck the label in or ffix whatever needs doing. As Quirky said making a negative comment can be very offensive even if you thing it is true it is really just your opinion. If someone really wants your opinion you can say 'I prefer X but that is just my personal preference'

Lee lee 73 · ‎24-08-2018

Hi all,

I have just seen this thread come up in 'new post' and so couldn't resist sharing my thoughts.

Honesty has played a huge part in how I cope with my depression, in a positive way . Oh my goodness, words can't express how much.

I learned very quickly that by being honest with myself kind of relieved the battle going on in my head.

When depression gets the better of me, I ask myself "do I honestly feel depressed ?" If the answer is yes, I accept it and give myself permission to have a down day.

When I feel ok/content, I'm aware that I could talk myself into feeling down, so, again, I ask myself "do I honestly feel depressed?" The answer is no (because my intial thought was that I was ok) so I hold onto that content for as long as I can. Being honest allows me respite.

I'm not very good at explaing things so I hope this makes sense.

Thanks so much everyone for this topic.

Warmest wishes

Lee lee73

Vegetarian Marshmallow · ‎24-08-2018

quirkywords: "I was also talking about some one telling me I am fat and ugly and look very old and am an embarrassment. Do you feel that is helpful to me? The person saying it would say they are being honest and I should know how I look but in reality it is their opinion and not a fact. I think many people confuse opinion with fact and then they cause so much hurt while claiming it is the truth."

I feel it could be helpful, yes. Helpful or neutral. It depends on a few things. Firstly, you have to decide if you agree with it yourself. Since you seem to think "it's just your opinion and I disagree with it; I think I'm healthy etc.", that should trump what was said, and not let you be hurt. But assuming it is a thing you agree with, then you have to decide if you care about it. If someone says to me "You are X number of years old", I will think "Yes, congratulations; correct.", and feel very little hurt indeed (I daresay none), since I'm not sure how age is supposed to be a negative thing. If someone says "your favourite band is bad" I will just flatly disagree and it's no skin off my nose. If you DO agree with and DO care about what they said, then it's the helpful reminder you needed to do something about it. In this case, it caused some pain; useful pain; like an alarm blaring horribly in the morning, or a burning in your finger which has strayed too close to the fire and wants to be pulled out.

There's a gap of "I do agree and care about this, but I can't do anything to change it". I think in that circumstance I would tell that to the person: "Yes I agree but there's nothing I can do; please don't mention it as it's painful to think about. (i.e. I am still in mourning on this issue)". At that point they can: (1) give you some suggestions of things to try which you hadn't thought of, (2) try to console and guide you through acceptance of this circumstance you're in, or (3) stop mentioning it while you go through your mourning period. Lots of helpful outcomes.

quirkywords · ‎25-08-2018

Hello everyone

Elizabeth, thanks for your reply. I think many people feel their opinion is the truth and this causes others to be upset.

Vegetarian Marshmellow thanks you so much for your contributions which are making me think. I like a healthy discussion and even though I may differe on some points it is really helpful to get different points of views.So thank you.

I think even if you feel that is just your opinion and I disagree with it , and have other impartial people who agree with you, it still can hurt if it comes from someone you love as you do care what they think about you even if you disagree.

Maybe I am very sensitive but that is who I am, and if people I love criticise me whether I agree or not, I will feel upset. I do not think I would be alone in this.

Time and distance helps with most things and it is interesting to see others opinions and view points.

The point of my thread has been how it affects ones mental health and I do know when people say things they think are honest but are just their opinions and don’t think how others will feel, it can affect ones mental health.

People have given ides of how to handle such comments but at the time one often does not have the calmness to acces this resources and so naturally gets upset.

Thanks again for all the contributions to this discussion.

Quirky