What is honesty and how does it affect your mental health?

[quirkywords]

I want to discuss what honesty means to you and your health.

People say that they fake being well, or wear a mask so no one knows their pain.Is this being honest.

When we do not admit our flaws and our behaviours does this make it harder to have insight into our illness and harder to get better?

Do we need to be honest with ourselves and others in order to be well.?

Honesty can be a very subjective personal word. What one people feels is being honest another may feel is not.

For many years I was in denial about my illness so I would admit to myself I was ill, I was not honest.

So what does honesty mean to you? So lets start a conversation. All ideas welcome.

Everyone is welcome to comment, new posters, regular posters, I want everyone's ideas.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

At the moment there are few instances of people having to tell the truth .

We see people squirming when trying to find the truthful words or going around in circles trying to find another way of say yes I did that behaviour.

Why do some people find it hard to tell the truth even when their reputation relies on it .

People still wont be honest even when all the evidence is there that shows there misbehaviour.

Quirky.

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky,

I heard a radio interview on the topic of fakery in the workplace. They were debating why are we so afraid of admitting we are wrong or that we don't know or that we've failed or got it wrong? The conclusion they came to was that we lie to protect ourselves from being seen as weak or stupid or a failure.

I see it everywhere. Look at us CCs for example. We take responsibility and volunteer to help others. And because people look to us to guide them it is hard not to want to pretend we are a great example of mental health. But the unfiltered truth is we're just human.

The temptation to be fake. Do I have the right to give support and guidance to another of I am a complete mess myself? It is tempting to help and divert any questions about myself. To hide my depression and the fact I still struggle with suicidal thoughts.

I think that reluctance to be REAL is everywhere. Why post an unedited photo when you can filter it and make others see you as more attractive? Why admit you don't know and open yourself up to criticism.

My point is being truly honest takes an element of not caring anymore. When you read a post where someone is at their lowest the brutal truth can be hard to read. Because when it comes down to getting help and living or hiding and ending it all it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you.

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone,

I have only just stumbled across this thread. I feel there are many occasions when I don't tell the truth for one reason or another. It may be to make me feel better, to make another person feel better, because I don't really know the truth, I'm too scared to say the truth and so many other reasons.

Does anyone remember the T.V. show "Gilligan's Island?" On one episode, one of them found something which made them be able to read each other's minds. They were all speaking the truth in their heads and it caused no end of trouble!

At present I am doing a course with all kinds of ethical principles, rules, regulations, policies and procedures to follow. Some of these do not sit well with my religious beliefs. I need to lie in my answers to ensure I have a "correct" answer. Correct to whom? Certainly not always to me and my values.

Do I lie and pass the course or do I tell the truth as according to my values and fail?

I don't know if it is always a case of black and white. It confuses me.

Great topic! Cheers all from Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

Nat said My point is being truly honest takes an element of not caring anymore.... when it comes down to getting help and living or hiding and ending it all it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you.

Far from not caring, I think when you are really desperate it you realise putting on an image isn't helping so you are prepared to be honest to get the help you need. The alternative is failure & looking even worse to other.

Dools, I can understand your dilemma with your assignments. Years ago I was in a similar position. My solution was to phrase it as 'There is no scientific evidence for....... ' for things which I believe but the lecturers don't. or 'It is expected in our society that..... 'This way you can show you understand what you are being taught but not mentioning your personal beliefs.

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth and All,

I like your suggestions Elizabeth, thanks. Some times when I am answering a question I am actually telling God that I do not mean what I am writing at all!

While working in aged care looking after dear people with dementia, I told plenty of untruths. Yes Mrs. Jones, I have milked the cows and they are all settled in for the night. Mr. Smith your wife is out visiting at the moment, she will be back later.

Maybe the absolute truth is not always feasible, kind or possible.

Cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

What a wonderful lot of most recent post.

Quercus thanks for another very thoughtful post .

I do find the concept of honesty so interesting hence why I started this thread.

I think we sometimes pretend to be better than we are as we don't want to upset people.

YOu raise very important points thanks.

Elizabeth thanks for your post. That is an interesting point about caring or not caring enough to be honest,.

Mrs Dool welcome to this thread and many thanks for your contributions.

The exam thing is a tricky one, maybe you can explain to you tutor about your beliefs as you should not be penalised for your beliefs.

I said things to my mum that were not true as I knew she would forget them as she had dementia but if I told her she would get distressed.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Does keeping a secret make you dishonest?

I don't mean a secret like a surprise party but something someone has told you that affects another person.

I tell people don't tell me secrets, as inevitably it means I will need to lie and I often I will accidentally tell someone the secret .

I am interested in others ideas.

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky,

As always a stunner of a question!

Hmm I think no, keeping someone's secret is protecting their right to tell their own story in their own time.

I don't choose to accept others secrets easily. Like you lying is not natural for me and I worry about breaking my word and hurting others. So often I will say no. I don't want to know.

For example my Mum told me she could tell me who her biological parents are. But it came at a cost. I had to promise not to tell anyone. Not my husband. Not my psychiatrist. I refused. It was so tempting but the reality was promising one thing and breaking my word damages me.

I'm no saint. There have been times people have confided in me after I've told them I don't want to know. I make it clear I promise nothing. It's your guilt not mine.

Secrets that have the capacity to keep me awake and stressing and feeling sick are not my burden to take on.

The prime example is the friend who confides infidelity. What are you supposed to say to that? Oh yes I'll pretend you said nothing? I'll hurt your spouse along with you? Make them think all their friends were in on it and pitying them behind their back. No way.

I will however keep confidences if the person matters to me dearly. Basically if I love the person enough to share the burden of their secret then I will keep it regardless of how I feel.

Hmm yeah I'm not a very nice person I suspect.

[Guest_937]

All people lie by omission on a regular basis. It’s a necessary part of operating in a civil society. For example, if a stranger asks you ‘how are you’ it’s not socially acceptable to respond with the whole truth. Just a version of it. I liken it to explaining hard concepts to children. For example, my 4 year old child asks me where babies come from and I tell her that a man has sperm and a woman has and egg and when they join up a baby is made. It’s not in the child’s interest to tell them the whole truth, just a version of it that is appropriate for them.

the concept of honesty fascinates me and is the subject of many sleepless nights for me. For me, filling out forms is a source of great anxiety because quite often they do not allow you to tell the whole truth and I worry that I’ve been dishonest. For example, a form asks you whether you are married or single and gives you two boxes to tick. Well, obviously there are many people who fall somewhere in between the the two options. Which one do you tick? This may be a poor example but I’m sure you get the drift. This type of thing drives my anxiety wild!

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

jamesN, welcome to this thread and thanks for your well thought out reply.

I have been fascinated by the concept of honesty hence this thread.

i too worry about of honesty.

Nat

your answers are always well detailed and make me think.

So does it depend on the secret or the person who asks you to keep it.

A friend's son asked her to not to tell her ex husband that her son was depressed.

She found that so hard so told her son she would wait a week for him to tell his dad.

What would you have done??

Quirky