What is honesty and how does it affect your mental health?

[quirkywords]

I want to discuss what honesty means to you and your health.

People say that they fake being well, or wear a mask so no one knows their pain.Is this being honest.

When we do not admit our flaws and our behaviours does this make it harder to have insight into our illness and harder to get better?

Do we need to be honest with ourselves and others in order to be well.?

Honesty can be a very subjective personal word. What one people feels is being honest another may feel is not.

For many years I was in denial about my illness so I would admit to myself I was ill, I was not honest.

So what does honesty mean to you? So lets start a conversation. All ideas welcome.

Everyone is welcome to comment, new posters, regular posters, I want everyone's ideas.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Pamela,

Thanks for your comment. I understand in some situations like work it is often necessary to appear to be ok.

I am glad that you are ok with what Yu sound under the mask.

Lee Lee, welcome to this thread an thanks for your thoughtful comment that has made me think. I can relate to a lot of whatnyou wrote.

I wonder if focusing on work and leaving problems behind is maybe different to pretending or faking it or is it similar?

i think about when you can not even be honest to yourself or your loved ones how you really feel.

i have often read on this forum of people saying my partner can go to work all day but when they come home they just collapse and do nothing. I understand that . It takes much energy to get through the day.

I know people who have had a physical illness and p,aged down how serious it was so not to upset people.

i think sometimes people want us to be happy and feel uncomfortable if we are not.

I know people who have gone through very emotional struggles like losing a loved one , divorce,, ut they feel they must but in a holly face so they don’t upset others.

Thanks again for making me think more about this complex subject.

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

I wonder if focusing on work and leaving problems behind is maybe different to pretending or faking it There is a big difference in insisting you are well or managing well when you aren't compared to choosing to focus on work or something else. The latter case can be an effective distraction from negative thoughts or can give you a chance to feel better about yourself by achieving something. This can benefit your mental health. Denying you have a problem means you miss out on needed support which is unhelpful. If we are focused on work or some other productive activity & we are asked if we are OK I think we can honestly say Thanks for asking but I prefer to focus on my work right now & don't want to get distracted or similar.

There is a time & place to talk about our problems & if we are really struggling we need to find someone we can trust to open up to & vent &/or get advice to help. Conversely dwelling on the problems & talking about them constantly can be unhelpful as it affects our ability to move on & find things which help. No matter how honest we want to be there are some people who we are better not to tell as they don't understand & can make unhelpful comments to us or others

[Quercus]

Hi everyone,

I'm sure through all my waffling by now it's clear I'm pro honesty.

Not really sure when it started or why but somehow I've lost all patience with BS and fakery.

I know why I do it and why and how the polite performance helps me cope with life.

BUT... Yeah always a but.

Why should we have to perform? I know plenty of people who are themselves warts and all and they are content enough. They are a heck of a lot more content within than me.

So why should I perform? What am I afraid of?

Ok so someone is judgemental... Do I have to care? Nope.

At times (when my mind is a mess like now) I wonder what do I truly have to lose by honest?

I am employed even though I disclosed the whole saga. My boss understands depression and I never imagined a workplace where I could feel safe to just be me.

I'm still married and loved. We have huge ups and downs but being honest lets hubby know what is happening inside. He can't read my mind and usually the conflict is because we are reading eachother wrong.

And biggest of all... I don't feel afraid of being alone anymore. Ok so being honest is a risk. But some people (me for example) respect and value people who are truthful.

Anybody can say what they think you want to hear but not many can just speak how they feel. It is sort of liberating.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone reading and thinking of posting,

Elizabeth, as usual your post gave me a lot to think about.

I agree there are some people who will never understand what we are going through and who will only judge us and offer unhelpful comments. the thing is I have known people like this who have changed . I stopped telling them the whole truth but if I thought I could educate them I would. one person told me one day she u derstood what I was saying as a relative of hers was depressed and she was grateful I had explained things to her.

Nat,

Yhanks for explaining how honesty is liberating in your life. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.

I agree that is powerful that you don’t have to feel afraid of being alone anymore.

I agree conflict can happen when we misread or misunderstand each other somby being honest with our we are feeling we can know what the other person is really .

I think fera of being judged and caring what others think is a barrier to honesty.

Thanks again Nat and Elizabeth.

What do others think about what Elizabeth and NT wrote?

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

Honesty! I tried to be honest with myself this Christmas. I felt like I could not cope with going to shops looking for presents so I didn't purchase any.

I was honest with myself thinking that I would feel really left out if I did not attend my family Christmas get together. I was honest with myself saying it might be difficult but I felt like I needed to go, so I did.

I was honest with myself when I thought about ghosts from Christmases past and realised I could let those ghosts go! I didn't need those memories. They serve me no purpose!

I was honest with family telling them that due to my depression I was unable to organise any gifts, I wanted to attend and hoped that was okay with everyone. It was.

When I am struggling I tell my husband. Like Nat mentioned, it is so much easier to say "hey, I am having a horrid day today, it is not you it is my mental health."

After our recent holiday my husband asked if I was sick of him as he thought I didn't want to be with him. I told him I was sick of my mental health. Maybe I just hadn't told him enough about how much I was struggling because we were on holidays and I didn't want to dump my stuff on him.

Honesty. There is definitely a place for it.

Cheers all from Dools

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Mrs Dools

I really like the way you were honest with yourself about what you could manage and what you couldn’t. The gift you gave them of your presence was the best present they could have.

I think we often worry what peel will think of us.

I know for me to stay well I need to be vigilant about never getting exhausted. Tomothers it looks like I am being very lazy and I used to tire myself to impress others.

Now I say I need to do this for my mental health. if someone thinks I am lazy so be it.

I think knowing oneself and then being honest with oneself and then if need be explaining to others why I have chosen to do what I am doing.

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

I really appreciated Dools post. Dool reminds each of us of how to deal with challenging situations in a sensible way allowing us to best manage our health & wellbeing. I liked the way she chose what was really important to her & therefor worth pushing herself to cope with ( Christmas with family) & what was better to leave (the gift shopping) I certainly felt I could benefit from her example although my priorities will be different.

In my previous post I may have given the impression that we don't always need to be honest. What I meant to say is that it is important to be honest with those who may be impacted by your condition & those in a position to support you. Expecting a loved one to be understanding of our moods & challenges is unreasonable if we aren't open with them. Despite this there are cases were we do need to be cautious. For example I will not say much to one DIL because past experience has shown she is likely to share all information across social media without thought of the consequences. There are also times when we are not able to explain ourselves properly. For example sometimes I arrive home from a psych appointment & my husband asks about it. To explain properly I need time & space & trying to talk while I'm tired & my mind is still racing & I need to cook is not going to work. I try to be honest & say I need to talk later so I have the time to explain things properly.

Another example Several years ago I was faced with a very stressful situation related to my PTSD. When I finally got to safety I pulled over. I knew that I was in no state to talk about what had happened. I was honest & told my husband I needed to distract myself by reading to block out what had just happened until I calmed down enough to continue driving. I guess my point is we should use honesty to help us & enable others around us to understand & therefor support us. But honesty shouldn't be used in a way which forces us to say more than we are ready to say when that may make things harder for us.

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth and All,

Honesty is certainly something that we share in degrees with different people as we deem necessary or as we feel is suitable.

There are some people I would like to be brutally honest with, but know that would not be in my best interest and possibly not theirs either. In those cases I need to accept my choices and how I act and react around my decision to be quiet.

One thing a counsellor made clear to me recently is just how much I had closed down emotionally, how numb I had become, not just to the hurts and pain but to everything in life. Hence my honesty with myself around Christmas and with my family as well to an extent.

Guess we have to consider how much honesty we want to share with others in various circumstances.

Elizabeth, after I have a session dealing with my mental health issues, I like to go for a short walk or sit in the car for a while before I need to drive home. Sometimes I write down what thoughts are swirling around in my brain after the session or later on.

Cheers all from Dools

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone.

Elizabeth,

Thanks for your post and for describing situations where opening up and being honest with another person

is not in our best interests. Also as you wrote there are times where we are unable to explain what is going on and we need people to understand that.

I have maintained that honesty is different for everyone and we all do the best we can and define the term honesty that suits us and our situation.

Mrs D,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think writing after dealing with mental health issue it is a good idea if one is up to it or even drawing or recording ones thoughts on an audio app.

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky,

I had a little laugh to myself as I wondered what on earth an "audio App" is!

My mind really is stuck in the last century! Ha. Ha.

I will be doing my recording with a pen and paper either writing or drawing as you suggested.

Cheers all from Dools