What helps to keep well?

[PamelaR]

Hello everyone

Have been around the forums now for a couple of months. Posted a couple of threads under PTSD, but think it's time I move on to 'Staying Well'. In reality that is the reason I came to Beyond Blue Forums in the first place - to stay well. Not to dwell or mooch in the past.

Many of you will have read the factual information about my past. Something that is missing from my posts though is - how I really am. That's what I want this post to be. It has to be about things I'm finding out about 'who I am and how I keep well'.

I was so down, having retired last year, losing all sight of what I wanted to do, being physically incapacitated, thyroid medication not right and screaming inside. The psych who I'd just started seeing wanted me to look a my personality..... No you don't. That's not what I wanted. So I moved on to a new psychologist.

The new psychologist is drilling down. I have to take stock of myself, my feelings, my emotions and ultimately - who I am (so I need to look at what has formed by beliefs, behaviours and values).

Interestingly I'm still apprehensive about divulging me. You know why - because I was brought up to show no emotion, to not feel good about myself. And especially NEVER talk to others about yourself. That would be bragging or worse, getting too big for my boots.

ATM feeling very emotive. I want to scream, I want to reach out to you all out there and to hug you all.

Hugs were never something that happened in our household. I only learnt how to hug women in the 1990s when I worked with some wonderful group of women in the disability field. How good was that!! What had I'd been missing all those years - hugs from women. It learnt it was okay. Hugging men - of course that was always okay cos it's normal.

Me - my heart pounds at least an hour or two every day. I spend and hour or two settling those pounds. Why does it happen - every look, every word, every sound and every thought make me feel worthless.

I asked hubby today if he loved himself. He said well, yes a lot more that I did before. You know I did that. I thought him to love himself. But can I do that for me. I'm really trying.

Loving oneself - keeps you well. I'll get there. BB forums is helping me like you'd never believe.

Sending everyone who reads this all the hugs I can.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[PamelaR]

Hello everyone

Absolutely loving how this thread has taken off! You all rock. Thanks for being there.

I had my psych appointment early this morning. Dah, I'm actually progressing very well - I'm KEEPING WELL. I know this because of my achievements over the past 2 weeks, I've:

• identified underlying beliefs to help me understand why I react to situations the way I do
• identified triggers that set off those beliefs
• changed the stories and beliefs

Very powerful stuff. I'm so happy with my psychologist. He rocks too.

Starting New and Karen - thank you for you conversation about hugs.

Yes hugs are good and are frequently needed to help us feel good. However, I have learnt hugs do not help you change your believe and value system. Changes to these systems are necessary to have any lasting impact on my MH. Hugs, while they give me some gratification and feelings of security and love, do not help me move on, do not help me change. For me it is the power of my mind that is the essential ingredient for my keeping well.

Hugs, ultimately were something I missed, something I needed. They did not and don't define me. Life has so much more to offer.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Speak Your Truth]

PamelaR

Your words ...

Yes hugs are good and are frequently needed to help us feel good. However, I have learnt hugs do not help you change your believe and value system. Changes to these systems are necessary to have any lasting impact on my MH. Hugs, while they give me some gratification and feelings of security and love, do not help me move on, do not help me change. For me it is the power of my mind that is the essential ingredient for my keeping well.
Hugs, ultimately were something I missed, something I needed. They did not and don't define me. Life has so much more to offer.

... have given me much to think about.

Can you give me more thoughts on that please ? How does one move on, when the need for hugs etc is overwhelming ?

Having asked that I’m now imagining that maybe two virtual boxes might help - one box is to put “hugs etc” (and other seemingly impossible wants?) in. This box with hugs etc in it has the lid on it firmly and is tied up with string to make it even more closed and is put away in a cupboard that is hardly used. But it’s still there to get out of the cupboard for another time. The other box is for “moving on” and it has no lid on it - it is sitting there in full view with a light shining on it and waiting with full expectation that in there will go the things that we achieve towards moving on. It’s sitting in there in full view so we are reminded all the time about what it’s for.

How does that sound PamelaR ?

[Elizabeth CP]

This thread got me thinking back to an experience a while ago. My husband & I traveled OS for our 25th wedding anniversary. It was delayed due to a number of challenges. We did a 70km hike over several days which we loved.While hiking I realised how lucky I was having a husband who loved hiking as much as I did & how much fun we were having together. I remember feeling this contrast to my normal feelings of annoyance & frustration because he didn't do things how I wanted & our marriage often felt very stale. What I learnt then was how easy it is to lose perspective as we get caught up in the rut of day to day living which can lead to negative thoughts making us forget the good things we have.

Maybe we all need to stop every so often & take time to notice the good things in your life. This can be hard when you are feeling depressed or anxious or under pressure but that is probably the time we need to really find even one positive thing in our life.

Today I read a magazine while waiting for the GP. In it they suggested changing our negative thoughts. For example instead of saying 'it is too hard. I can't do it. say ' This is really difficult but I have faced challenges in the past I will just have a go one step at a time. I thought this was good advice

[PamelaR]

Lovely thinking Speaking Your Truth

My thoughts are yes, hugs are important. I love hugs, need hugs and am lucky to receive and give hugs. Hugs

• provide a feeling of contentment, satisfaction, care, love
• do not define me as a person or who I am as a person
• feel good, absolutely feel good.

You ask - How does one move on, when the need for hugs etc is overwhelming?
That is so hard to answer Speak Your Truth. I truly don't know. What I would do is ask myself - 'Why is the need for hugs overwhelming?' My answer to this would be something along the lines of, I was never given hugs. I believe, I was brought up with the values and beliefs that giving hugs:

• were unnecessary, i.e. they had no meaning to life
• mean close contact that wasn't right

So Speak Your Truth - why is the need for hugs so overwhelming for you?

Let me explain my question - it's a little long winded, so bear with me.

Through my current therapy, I've had to look at the values and beliefs that support my thoughts, e.g. - I get overwhelmed when I look at photos that I've taken, photos that are 'very good'. So what are my values/beliefs that make me feel overwhelmed - today my psych session helped me identify the depths of my self-worth and self-esteem. Basically -

• when I edit my very good photos, I 'feel very good'. But because I was always told by my mother - not to be vain, not to have a good vision of myself, people with think you are 'too big for your boots', people won't like you - Liking my photos has (and does) make me feel SHAME.

So I have extended that thought process to hugs. Being given hugs or giving hugs means, others like me or I like other people. However my mother would still see this as a - vanity, indulgence, unnecessary. Ultimately leading to SHAME.

So I go back to my question above - why is not receiving hugs overwhelming for you? Once you've identified that, you can then think about the values and beliefs that support the why.

Not sure any of this makes sense to you. Let me know.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[PamelaR]

Thank you 😊 Elizabeth for sharing your experience of hiking and your ideas for keeping well!

I agree, it's so easy to get caught up in our negative thinking which keeps us down. Love your idea to STOP and take notice of the good things in our lives! Super thinking.

[Birdy77]

Hello Pammy and all 😊

Sending you hugs 🤗

I have been thinking a lot about your question of what helps to keep well, I know what the things are for me, and its good to remind myself because lately i can feel myself spiralling down 😞.

For me it's things like:

1. Being in touch with nature and the earth, e.g. working in the garden, walking and being mindful at the beach.

2. Physical exercise.

3. Not being too hard on myself.

4. Making time for creativity a priority.

I guess everyone's list will be different, it's good to have reminders of what can help us to keep well. And to get well.

Bubbles of light to everyone ☀️

🌻birdy

[Speak Your Truth]

I was full of good intentions a few days ago about moving on to getting well, but that feeling of hope I had has gone and I’m back to feeling bogged down again.

Birdy your post where you said getting back to nature, exercise, not being hard on self and creativity would help applies to me too - if I could get up and get going with it.

Why, I ask myself, can’t I do it.

Ive noticed in my short time on BB that there are a lot of people with lots of problems who have such wise words to say trying to help others - I include myself in that - but we don’t, can’t, won’t apply the wisdom to ourselves. It doesn’t make sense to me - why do we do that ?

I would really like some feedback on all this

[Speak Your Truth]

I’m thinking about this Pamela and haven’t got an answer yet really - I need to do more thinking, and will get back to you.

[startingnew]

i love those things that work for you Birdy xox

HI Pam, how are you going? been thinking about you xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello SYT, and everyone else..

I love the people here and love helping them they deserve to be helped, they didn't do anything wrong..I did, because I'm such a weak person and caused heartbreak to others because of my weakness...I don't really care like/love whatever your supposed to do to me, to be that interested in me. Other people are more important to me than i am to me. I care about others more then I do me..

Grandy..