What does 'recovery' mean to you?

[hope4joy]

Hey guys,

I just had an interesting chat to my Mindspot phone therapist (thanks to whoever it was that recommended this course) about my expectations about experiencing depression. I realise that I've been feeling like a failure because I haven't eliminated my symptoms from my recent bout before uni goes back next week. But in the broader scheme, I've been busting my gut in therapy for the last six years, trying everything to 'get better', yet am still faced with many issues.

I'm starting to question which bits of my mental illness I keep fighting and which bits I accept and try to manage. I've always had such high hopes and standards. Sadly my depression is not the once off isolated episode sort - but I've had all sorts of difficulties since I was around nine years old.

So my question is, what does recovery from mental illness look like to you? What does it mean? What does it involve? What do you accept and what do you keep fighting to change?

I'm keen to hear your experiences,

with loving thanks,

Christina

[Just Sara]

Hi Christina; Isn't it odd that the night after posting I had a major anxiety attack that kept me up until 5:30am. 

I'm a person who looks for patterns in my behaviour and responses to assist in my recovery process. It seems commonplace for me to have a great self empowered day, then go through a massive back flip a few hour later. I put it down to a duality in my psychi that challenges my progress with fear and trepidation. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction; science 101.

I'm learning to approach this duality with a sense of being my own observer and, as I live alone, I call Lifeline to give my fear a voice and get out what I'm afraid of. It has been extremely successful in facing these challenges and my self knowledge is growing everyday.

I've found that my anxiety is triggered by feeling completely helpless. Once I voice those fears and look at the reality of my situation, I understand that I've been confronting adult concepts with the experience gained as a child. Beliefs about the world and people from the viewpoint of a child's perspective, has major implications for subconscious fears and phobias about relationships and life. But more-so how I'react'.

I'm reading a book loaned to me by my psychologist called Waking the Tiger; Healing Trauma. I did an exercise from it and had a wonderful break-through. When I was in my late teens, I contracted a horrible virus causing me to be bedridden for 2 wks. In that time I was plagued by painful headaches and high temp's that caused some psychosis. The doctor visited me nearly everyday to check on my progress. During that time I felt as if I was dying. To avoid those feelings, I wished I would die straight away. Paradoxal yes, but indicative of my responses to helplessness for the rest of my life. Many times I felt like I wanted to die, but didn't know why. I was being triggered by similar feelings to then. 

Knowing this now, I can address those feelings and match them to whatever's going on in my life where I'm feeling completely helpless and challenge it as a capable adult instead of a sick helpless child. I've also found out the death of my grandmother had a huge affect on how I saw myself afterwards. I've been subconsciously looking for a replacement since that time. As with the healing of my knee, I replaced old beliefs with new ones and the affect is amazing.

Recovery...Boo-yar!!! Dizzy xx

[white knight]

Paul, thankyou for that recognition. This forum is becoming so therapeutic. Positive triggers are abounding for all.

Dizzy, your story of harking back to episodes of your childhood are seriously amazing. Please allow me to retell this short story of when I was 12yo

My brother a diabetic from 2yo was 15yo and we were swimming in our above ground pool. I had been assigned to watch him as usual. He had been placed on one insulin needle a day from 2 needles. A bad thing for Dr's to do them days as we know now- most diabetics have several needles a day. So "turns" occurred more regularly for my brother around this period.

I kicked him while he was under water and he floated in obvious need of help. I managed to haul him over the side of the pool, the pool wall collapsing and the thud of his body on the ground made him come around, he staggered to the back door where mum and dad gave him jam. The distress I went through at that time was overwhelming, I shuffled out of sight and the shock was responsible for me not saying a word for 3 months. Since then my sensitivity has been over the top. My only defense is attack as I've found out.

However, I didn't equate my sensitivity to that event until 2009 when being re-diagnosed for my mental issues. This wonderful psychiatrist kept questioning me about my childhood, about any big traumatic events. He was onto something, finally my wife said "what about that time with your brother nearly drowning"? Bingo, the Indian psych's dark eyes lit up the room!! 🙂 and we went through the ordeal.

According to him that event triggered a reaction in my responsible for my depression and dysthymia. Knowing the origin of my sensitivity has been a revelation. I have been able to separate the event and its effect on my mental health from other facts like my mothers narcissistic hold on me (my anxiety) and bipolar type 2 (runs in the family.).  Like you, childhood events can be the root of adult issues and we should take these seriously and not listen to some loved ones that dismiss them.

Dizzy your said "I've found that my anxiety is triggered by feeling completely helpless.".  I'm doing a Paul by cut and paste lol. I picked up on this because your word "helpless" I think means - lack of control. If there are events or times when we feel we lack control then other feelings creep in like fear, feeling that loved ones are rejecting us (by purely their absence) and these hurtful thoughts can be serious.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Hey WK...great reply! I enjoyed reading your childhood story. It certainly shows how children can take on so much accountability (fault) and make it last for decades or even a lifetime.

As a young boy, being responsible for your big brother was serious business. Parents sometimes use siblings to compensate for their absence etc. I'm not saying it's anyone's fault. I'm saying, what I know now about children and trauma, is frightening. Like you, when I realised my childhood trauma's affected how I thought and made decisions, it blew me away! 

Heal the inner child they say. But defining and identifying the skewif beliefs of the child is the biggie. Sure, I remember lots of traumatic events, but I don't recall what I felt or 'learned' (taught myself) from it. 

Anyway, thanks for the nice words re my last post. This certainly is a thought provoking thread. I'm really tired and would've liked to discuss our views on the 'helpless' issue. But I can hardly keep my eyes open. Maybe tomorrow. Till then...cheers...Dizzy xx

[hope4joy]

Hi Dizzy,

thanks for your reply, I enjoyed reading your insights. I can relate to that duality you describe - about having a wonderful step forward in some area of life, which then triggers a deep fear and causes a backflip. I've found this to be my experience of starting second year of uni. I've gone back to do visual arts which has been my life-long passion. Last year had challenging times but somehow it was still a novelty and something new. This year we get much more autonomy over our art practice and are beginning to define ourselves as artists through written statements - and it has brought up huge amounts of fear and self doubt - about moving forward in such positive steps. I'm finding the way to keep going is to challenge my thoughts, to soothe myself - and perhaps most importantly to try to share these fears with friends, family and therapists to get support. Life is so much better when I don't try to do it alone. I find it hard to reach out for help, and sometimes its a flop, but I see it an essential part of recovery and living. And I hope to need to rely on the support of therapy less and less over time and instead replace it with nourishing friendships. I am really good at being there for others and am slowly like a tortoise learning how to ask for help and rely on others. The tortoise did win the race, hey?!!

Its interesting - Dizzy and Tony WK - that you both have particular isolated incidents that really shaped your views of the world. I was about to say that I can't think of any but I guess a pivotal moment for me was when I was somewhere around 8 - 9 - or 10 years old. Probably 9. My dad was a pretty violent person - through words mostly but also physical violence sometimes. He used to smack me really hard at times - thankfully over the backside and not my hear or anything - but it was painful and demeaning. Anyway on way day I decided that instead of crying from the pain I would laugh. I had a huge resolve that I would not show any sign of pain. I got hit more often than normal but I held faced and kept laughing saying it didn't hurt. Any after that my dad never hit me again. So in that way it was very successful. But it drastically changed my beliefs around vulnerability and  pain and trust - that I had to do everything alone and never show weakness. Which have made life very hard and isolating at times. And meant I never learnt how to ask for my needs to be met. So yeah, reflecting on what you both shared

...

[hope4joy]

... maybe there is some power in reclaiming these memories and using them to help re-write history, our adult history at least. Of what happens from here on in. I think the idea of helplessness is really important too - a common thread through these stories we've shared. And how as adults we can learn or re-learnt how to express our needs and desires and fears and know that it is okay to ask for re-assurance, help, advice, care etc.

Food for thought!

Nice chatting,

Kind wishes, Christina 🙂

[Callignee]

Hi, 

I'm thinking too about what recovery means.  I've had a relapse of depression and have been off work for a while.

My psychiatrist thinks I've exhausted my treatment options and should consider retiring from work as the job stress is contributing factor to my depression. 

The thought of not working is numbing. It may help me from relapsing and feel better, but I have to find something else rewarding. So I guess recovery will be wanting to get out of bed again happy to face the day knowing that I can do something rewarding.

Cheers

[hope4joy]

Hi Callignee,

thanks for joining this discussion. I'm sorry to hear that something you love - work - is also the very thing that is contributing to your depression. Do you agree with your psychiatrist's opinion?

I think you've raised a really going point, that recovery is about persuing the things in life that matter to us. It takes courage and energy to do that, and yet perhaps it also helps protect against relapse. Its interesting because I've returned to uni to do what i love and because I care so much about it, at times my emotional reactions can be very strong to when things go wrong, and yet at the same time it gives me so much strength following what is important to me.

Kind wishes, Christina 

[Callignee]

Hi Christina,

thanks for getting back. I had a session with my psychologist today and he helped me to accept that my current job is not good for my health. So I guess my psychiatrist's advice that I should consider retiring is best for me and importanly my family. 

Time away from work will allow me to get well and consider undertaking some otherthings, maybe volunteer, or study again.  I enjoy studying both at TAFE and uni. Its rewarding and keeps your mind active. Although I found that I needed to not take on too much at once as my anxiety then kicks in.

I hope your uni studies go well.

Take care

Geoff

[Bluey_moon]

Being at peace with myself

[Just Sara]

Recently I've found a new friend who seems to be very similar to me in many ways. I want to trust enough to engage, and feel we have the makings of a fulfilling relationship. This has helped me to feel more supported and not so lonely. And; time to address more pressing issues.

Two very important subjects have come to light from my self assessing; boundaries and how much time/effort/love etc I invest in relationships and the dividends, or lack of, that comes my way. Just like any investment, a bad one needs to be let go of and a good one is worth taking care of. I've spent too much of everything on dead end people, jobs and situations. Time to invest wisely and be accountable for my own actions.

Boundaries directly affect this because of the way I expose myself to the wrong people and allow others to use my good will and nature. I can be somewhat invasive (confession) by trying to get inside people's heads. This has come about due to being physically and mentally abused by so many. It's been a way for me to somehow 'predict' outcomes or danger to feel safe. Of course this is nonsense as I have choice of who I want to be around. Took me a while to process this on an inner level.

Anyway, recovering from bad investments and breaches of boundaries. I'm having some positive days now and it feels so 'normal'. Yeah!!

Cheers...Dizzy