What does 'recovery' mean to you?

[hope4joy]

Hey guys,

I just had an interesting chat to my Mindspot phone therapist (thanks to whoever it was that recommended this course) about my expectations about experiencing depression. I realise that I've been feeling like a failure because I haven't eliminated my symptoms from my recent bout before uni goes back next week. But in the broader scheme, I've been busting my gut in therapy for the last six years, trying everything to 'get better', yet am still faced with many issues.

I'm starting to question which bits of my mental illness I keep fighting and which bits I accept and try to manage. I've always had such high hopes and standards. Sadly my depression is not the once off isolated episode sort - but I've had all sorts of difficulties since I was around nine years old.

So my question is, what does recovery from mental illness look like to you? What does it mean? What does it involve? What do you accept and what do you keep fighting to change?

I'm keen to hear your experiences,

with loving thanks,

Christina

[White_Rose]

Hello Christina

I have read this thread with lots of interest. Everyone views recovery in a different way, which is logical as we are all different. I am coming to the conclusion that mental illness of whatever shape or colour will be with us for life and it's up to each individual to manage or live with that illness.

I have spent many years denying I have depression permanently. Yet I still wake up every morning in fear wondering what the day will bring. It's only recently I have realised what many people already know, that making friends with my depression will help to keep it under control, just like your ogre. Until recently I have not been offered in any therapeutic programs such as CBT etc. I found my best solution was in meditation and over time it did make a huge difference.

It does take time to recover to stage where everyday living is comfortable. When I can go about my business without wanting to run away at times. The hard part is when depression does a U turn and comes roaring back. I am in this situation now and have been for about eight months. Some days are better than others and finally I think I am getting somewhere.

What I wonder is, how much does the fear of a returning depression increase the likelihood of a return? And to answer my own question, I guess constant concern about this means I am not as far along the recovery road as I like to think, that constant backward glances are more likely to impede my progress.  Learning to keep looking ahead is hard. I have to agree with Starwolf that being at the centre of the storm rather than being tossed around on the outside is by far the best place.

You have also made a an enormous observation about not being concerned with progress in your yoga because your mood changes from day to day. This is how I feel about meditation. Progress is something we are taught as children, that we need to progress and learn more and be able to demonstrate that progression. And in many thing this is true. I would hate to still be sitting in my first year at school. I think that real progress is in giving up this need, and of course, by the time we get there, it's not even on the agenda.

Mary

[blondguy]

Good Morning Christina

What a Great Post..

Starwolf is spot on. 'Acceptance'. With true and calm acceptance anxiety/depression does lose much of its strength, thus enabling a sufferer to build a better foundation where recovery is concerned. Depression and anxiety feelings can be more frequent in a 'tired' or 'exhausted' mind (through fighting it)

Fighting and battling can make a person's mind tired to start with. (Just for me) Anxiety/Depression are still only 'feelings'..awful as they are.

Mary has a great point here....That awful U-turn that happens and will do so again..and again..and again..it does.

This is only what I learned from my doctors that have helped me with my recovery...since 1983. I was lucky to be told in '83 that I will have my anxiety for the rest of my life. My female GP recently said to me "Paul I said 'the rest of your life' because I wanted to stop the way you were fighting it and making yourself sick' Nice1 Doc!

Basic word substitution

No Fighting/Calm Acceptance..

Striving...trying...dealing with it/...Acceptance is easier 🙂

The 'Sanctuary in The Storm is in the Centre'...no fighting happening in there...'letting go' is 🙂

Be Kind to yourself Christina...

Paul

[hope4joy]

Hi Starwolf, Mary and Paul,

Thank you for your generous replies. I've had a very chaotic weekend and am now needing to move house in two weeks, just as uni starts tomorrow. But somehow I have calm and peace most of the time, and am also doing constructive things to make sure I have a new home to move to. Maybe that is what recovery is about - when the storm comes raging in, the centre still stays peaceful. I've also reached out to four friends for help which is a new thing for me, I normally try to do it alone. I guess I've learnt to ask for help.

I had this amazing moment a few days ago - before everything went askew. I was sitting on my back deck and I had this perfect sense of contentedness - i didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I just sat and watched the gum trees in the distance as the leaves were gently buffeted by the wind. I felt so much peace and love and joy all at once - but not euphoric, just so beautifully peaceful. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, its happened a few times before and is an incredible beautiful state, i want for nothing. And it has stayed with me through this chaos, in most moments, to make everything okay and make me able to cope. So maybe that is what recovery is also about, having more resources and ability to get to the centre point more quickly, and to stay there more often?

I like your comment Mary that recovery can mean moving forward without constantly looking back over one's shoulder, checking to see if a relapse is lurking. I think you're right, fear of getting unwell again in itself takes much energy. Its hard though not to freak out when the signs of depression emerge again. I'm sorry you've had a tough eight months.

And Paul, its funny how accepting one has lifetime mental illness is empowering - it seems counter intuitive. I'm glad your GP was so cunning!

And Starwolf, I lived for a couple of years in SE Asia and also really connected to some eastern philosophies and meditation and yoga. You talked about knots in one's body. I've started getting regular massages this year and they are helping me let go of emotional knots... its all intertwined i feel. And thank you for your comment about my profile everlasting flower - the bright yellow ones are my favourite. For a long time i had a bunch hanging in my car under the rear view mirror - i often stop to pick flowers on road trips - i still have a bunch of blue flowers i picked at xmas hanging there. Nature is amazing.

Night to all,

Christina 🙂

[blondguy]

Good Morning Christina

I read your post and you do have a an innate gift to stop and smell the roses..or the gum trees :-)..That sounds easy to do but it can be very difficult for some sufferers with depression. You have done it though Christina!

I learned years ago that reading paragraphs with a 'tired' mind (Depression Sufferers) can be difficult...so I will keep my thoughts in bullet point format.as the quality is relevant here..not the quantity..(easier to read too)

* Mary is spot on here...Making friends with the depression/anxiety....(Calm and True Acceptance)

* The 'art' of Making Friends with Depression does take time and practice...but worth it..it does work!

* Mary's 'Making Friends' with Depression is written in Plain English by Dr Claire Weeks (RIP) 'Self Help for your Nerves'...Making Friends/Calm Acceptance is discussed here..with no jargon..just a small paperback despite the old fashioned title using the word 'nerves'. Its still in print and a very effective management tool for sufferers of depression/anxiety.

* "What I wonder is, how much does the fear of a returning depression increase the likelihood of a return?" (I have just borrowed this from above) This thought really struck a chord with me Christina. Even now I do remember this 'thought' even though a distant memory now. I will never forget that thought.

* If there is a major life event/trauma now..I have to separate the old thought of 'looking behind me' to the true sadness/grief that is to be expected in any major 'life event' without depression as a 'tag' for it.

* Christina...I am happy that you read what my female GP said many years ago...that I will have this disorder for the rest of my life....I was stunned...but straight away I had no alternative to 'accept' it...She was cunning lol

Thankyou Star Mary and Scotty 🙂 What a great page with wonderful people!

Christina...Your profile pic is gentle yet powerful...Love it!

I hope today will be good to you Christina

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hi Christina,

You lucky girl...What you describe is the "just being" state that many of us can only achieve after years of meditation practice. That's the still eye at the center of the cyclone I was referring to in a previous post. It is a difficult one to explain so I am overjoyed that -having experienced it- you know exactly what was meant.

And yes, it sometimes comes to some of us as sudden revelation. It is a great blessing.

It is however an elusive state, hard to hang on to but knowing how perfect it feels creates the incentive to slip back into it. It cannot be forced but consistent practice of returning to our center whenever we feel sucked into chaos eventually does it.

So glad you were granted this privilege. As you have realized, this state of being  sees us at our most powerful. Things get done efficiently and without emotional energy wastage. Thank you for sharing this precious off-time with us and conveying the feel of it so well. In my view, it is the best tool towards achieving recovery although usually, only long-term meditators can get the hang of holding on to it and abiding there.

You are right, relaxing into it all, letting go via acceptance and being consistent with practices are all part of the web of recovery.

Happy trails.

[hope4joy]

Hi Paul and Starwolf, 

thank you for your replies. I do often stop to smell the flowers Paul, quite literally! I've been going for long walks in the morning each day over the last few months (harder now with uni starting back) and make a point to tune into my senses. I often stop to pick up a feather or smell some flowers - and smell the gums (lemon-scented are my favourite) and earthy smells of the sub tropics. I have my favourite smells along the walk, which follows a creek. I think its been really helpful with my depression. I've done a lot of meditation in the past and some intensive retreats but somehow have lost interest in it gradually since moving state away from the buddhist group i used to belong. i wonder if yoga and walking and art can have the same effect but am not too sure, I guess the buddhists would say one has to meditate. Anyway I'm grateful for all I learnt. Do you both have a regular meditation practice? Do you stay in that centre point much?

Kind regards, Christina 

[blondguy]

Good Morning Christina

I have never meditated  but I do now understand that 'centre point' is an achievable place to be daily. I do find quiet time every day which may be meditation but True & Calm Acceptance the key to the door for sure..

Hi Star, I know people that manage to stay in the center point without straying that havent meditated. It does take practice and time as you know to actually unmask the anxiety/depression as  'bad feelings'.

Great topic Christina

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hi Christina,

Good on you for walking with all senses engaged. This goes some way towards  practicing the art of "mindfulness" which is basically focusing exclusively on what one is doing, without being distracted by any  passing thought. It is a state of total absorption into one thing or activity where all else ceases to exist.

Many people are unaware that there are different types of meditation. I don't think "sitting meditation" suits the Western temperament. I believe this fact has largely contributed to its "too hard" reputation. So many have tried it and gave up ! Buddhism also endorses "walking meditation" and mindfulness. Both practices have as much centering value as the sitting type and are a lot easier on the average Western restless mind. The real art of course is to enter this state at will, in any circumstances, not only during practice. The trouble is, it often eludes us when we need it most !

I agree with you Christina, the sub tropics have terrific walks to offer, vibrant colours , intoxicating smells and all...

Happy trails !

[StaticRose51]

Hi Christina, 

​I couldn't help but read the rest of your recovery story. I've experienced Depression too and am also fond of mindful walking and like to stop to smell the flowers. Generally speaking. Meditation has helped a lot with my recovery and I think if you show up for yourself in small ways, you will start to find a difference to your illness- quite often others will notice it about you! As you mentioned Art therapy, I can tell you that it helps. Even if you aren't very good at first, the whole creative process will occupy your thoughts more positively! That being said we still have a few bad days sometimes. I think if we keep challenging ourselves we will be alright.   

Good luck on you Journey (hugs)

~Stacy

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

To me it is like recovering from a common cold that is frequent.
You have your bad days then things are better then it comes again.
Since a change in my medication a few weeks ago I was feeling much better but in the past 24 hours my thoughts have turned a bit.