Today Was a Good Day

WarriorGirl90 · ‎29-10-2014

When I was 15, my best friend ended her own life. I did everything I could to keep her here, I arrived too late and that sits with me every day. Although part of me knows that it is not my fault, I still shoulder the blame every day that I should have done more. I relive the moment in my head each night when I fall asleep. Some nights I even save her but then I wake up and she is gone again. Sometimes I forget her face, so I see my own face. It haunts me like it were yesterday, but as of November 3, it will be 9 years.

I am not a suicide risk, but I do suffer from depression. I find that crazy because I have done a lot in my life which I tie to living out what my friend and I always spoke about. I regularly travel the world, I always have a well paying job, I have friends that would do anything for me but I am never happy. I feel like every smile is forced, every conversation is exhausting, when people ask me to do things I get annoyed and agitated. I have this person in my head screaming at me because I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I am always angry, even when I have nothing to be angry about. I am alive and she gave up, and that sits with me all day, every day.

A year ago my three year relationship ended. It hurt don't get me wrong, but I constantly found myself questioning my feelings and if what I felt was even love. Some days I would look at my partner and I felt nothing, I would spend days numb to any positive emotion. My depression comes in tidal waves, it fills me with dread, doubt, paranoia and self loathing. It crashes into my life and often destroys the relationships I have built up around me. I feel like I sabotage myself, and I set myself up to fail. It feels like I am caught in a rip, and no matter what I do, I can't get back to land.

I have been particularly bad of late, I feel like I am going a little insane. I have avoided all social events, even those with my closest friends. I rarely leave my room, I just sit there content with not moving. Yesterday I told someone about how I feel and today I feel better for it. I might not have gone into detail, but I said enough. I haven't been hit by a wave today, I think I even smiled. . Sometimes the smallest of conversations can make the biggest difference. Today was a good day

HA1 · ‎30-10-2014

Hi WarriorGirl

Welcome to BB and thanks for your post. I am still digesting your post. So at this stage can I just say that the feeling you had sharing your story is so true. I always feel a little better, once I have shared a bit more with someone I can trust will understand.

again, welcome

K

dougall · ‎30-10-2014

Hi WarriorGirl90, Hideaway said it welcome and the more you talk about things the clearer they become in your head. It sounds like you don't want anyone close because you might lose them. Your friend made a choice, not your choice but hers and this is what is playing over in your mind. I also had a friend who tried to end her life, I got there and she got annoyed with me as she wanted to be alone, I pestered her until she told me what she had done, I took her to the hospital, she did not want to talk to me afterwards. I have actually never spoken of this to anyone, you reminded me of the hopelessness you feel. Sometimes guilt plays a lot in our way of thinking and that is a hard thing to get rid off. I am glad you travel and have people around you.

WarriorGirl90 · ‎30-10-2014

Thanks for the welcome Hideaway.

Some days are better than others, there are always ups and downs. I have trouble with anything positive at the moment, I've honestly forgotten what it was like to enjoy something I was doing, even just feeling happy.

I don't really talk about my friend with other people because I hate the way people act around you once they know you've been through a difficult time. I've also found that people I have met in the recent years, find it hard to believe purely because they can't comprehend that there are people out there suffering. I feel like unless it was close to home, people choose not to believe in mental illness.

Today has been another good day for me though. My close friends are looking after me, although I do feel like a burden for them.

White_Rose · ‎30-10-2014

Hello Warrior Girl

I too welcome you to Beyond Blue and thank you for your story. Without in any way trivializing your comments may I say that what you describe sounds so much like the feelings everyone has when depressed. Being annoyed and agitated, never happy, feeling worthless, constant anger interspersed with feeling numb. You could be describing me. So yes I do empathize with you.

It's good that you have friends to take care of you. It's also good that you allow them to care for you instead of trying to struggle alone. Keep communicating with them. As you have discovered, talking about these things helps to relieve the pressure and tension. It's also amazing how often you find someone else is struggling with the same difficulties.

You don't mention seeing a doctor or psychologist. Do you talk to any professionals? As you said, talking can be helpful and talking to someone who is concentrating solely on you and helping you to express your feelings and fears can be amazing.

So may I suggest you talk to your GP if you have not already done so. Please keep posting. We would love to know how you are going.

Mary

HA1 · ‎31-10-2014

Hi warriorgirl

I am glad that others have reached out to you.

I have not experienced what you have with your best friend. But there are many aspects to your story that resonates very strongly with me; these are the feelings that you go through. Like you, I have had success in my employment, I have travelled widely, I don't really lack in anything - yet I have never been really happy in life generally. Always questioning this or that. Often angry for no good reason, always avoid social situations, or if I can't, then feel totally out of place as if I don't belong with this merry group of people.

Have you been diagnosed with PTSD?

There are a number of positives to your story. As LING has said, it is good that you have friends to turn to, and that you don't shy away from travelling. Do you tend to travel alone or with friends?

take care, and please keep us posted on how you are going. As your username suggests, keep fighting.

K

dougall · ‎31-10-2014

Nice to hear from you again Warrior Girl. As your name suggests you are a warrior and you will get through it. Glad you have company.