The worst kind of isolation

[AlwaysForgotten]

I feel like I am going crazy....

My wife is currently living separately from me due to her issues, my parents have both passed in the last 12 years, I was adopted and the rest of my family basically abandoned me when my mother passed, my wife and I moved state 5 years ago (she has kids, but I dont have any) & due to her own issues we never got a chance to create a new social circle here...

And so now with this self isolation I am literally on my own all day every day. I get to talk to work acquaintances (I am working from home), but other than that I have absolutely no human contact at all.

We are supposed to be trying to get to a point where we can live together again, and generally text each other most days. Our couples counselor got her to agree to a video catch up which we had a few days ago, but she just completely ignored me yesterday (seems to be a habit of every saturday which I dont know why). Then I get some lame excuse on Sunday, today's one being "it was a sleepy day", as to why she couldn't even spare 30 seconds just to respond to my good morning text. But even worse still, if I tell her it upsets me then all I get is "whatever", if I dont tell her than its my fault that I bottle it up... so either way... its always my fault.

I just cant get through to her that this isolation is affecting me worse than it is most people. She has others around her, she has a brother and sister she can call, parents to talk to, she made sure she made her own friends while she hasn't been home.

I dont need the "take a walk, get a dog, find a hobby, do some exercise, find a chat room" kind of response, I know all of that already. I wonder to myself if I just need to vent, or if it is the whole "misery loves company" kind of thing... maybe more than anything else what I need (and what others may need) is just to say how much this isolation thing sucks

[Sophie_M]

Hi AlwaysForgotten,

We're really sorry to hear what you are going through right now, it sounds like things are feeling really lonely and isolating at the moment, without having the usual face-to-face human contact. It is completely understandable that this is affecting your thoughts and feelings, and please know that you are not alone in feeling this way. You've come to a safe space to express yourself, and our community is here to listen and support you. If you feel up to it, we'd also recommend reaching out to our Beyond Blue Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service which is available 24/7 by calling 1800 512 348 or you can visit coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au One of our trained mental health professionals, briefed in helping people deal with the impact of the pandemic on their mental health and wellbeing, will be able to talk things through with you.
Feel free to keep us updated on how you're going, when you feel ready.

[quirkywords]

Alwaysforgotten,

Thanks for writing you post with such honesty and openness.

You are coping with so much and I can feel your loneliness through your words.

Did you feel a bit better after writing your post.?

I would not offer advice like go for a walk etc as this year. I have coped with difficult situation of loss after the fires, and it annoys me when people say those sort of things to me.

understand how hard the isolation is for you.

I hope you can have some communication with your wife.

[Doolhof]

Hi AlwaysForgotten,

I'd like to welcome you to the community here. Please know this space is here for you as much as it is for anyone. You will not be "forgotten" here.

I'm wondering if you have had a chance to look at the information Sophie has suggested.

This enforced isolation and all the changes are hard to deal with. When we may already have only a small amount of people we are in contact with in "normal life" and that contact is removed due to this virus, it can be difficult to find alternative ways to get through alone.

It must be hard trying to be in contact with your wife and having her not be in touch as much as you need right now.

Venting is more than acceptable! I do it here quite often and it helps me immensely!

There are times when I feel like I don't have anyone in my immediate life I can talk to about how I am feeling, so this forum is very helpful to me.

I believe that we all need to know our feelings are acknowledged and validated. I here what you are saying. I wish I had the answers. I don't. I am here to read if you want to share more.

Kind regards from Dools

[AlwaysForgotten]

Hi Doolhof,

Yes I have and I have contacted the helpline. While the person on the phone was understanding and I would absolutely recommend anyone who is struggling to definitely give them a call, it wasn't really of value for me personally.

When the answer is "you should find someone with the specific area of expertise", that much was already known so not very helpful. As I said before, I am probably the most pragmatic person on the planet so I dont need platitudes or "you will not be forgotten here"... I appreciate the sentiment but we both know that isn't the truth and that it is said to be said, not because it is true. I get that it sounded good to say that given my choice of name, and I am sure you are "chuffed" at having thought of it (touche!), but that isn't the reality we live in and as always, as good as the vent is, ultimately I am left with nobody who can help, nobody has any idea, everyone passes it on to the "experts" and those experts turn around and tell you that you are doing everything you can and even they cant help you.

I am sure you are reading a lot into what I have just said, perhaps a level of negativity, but I can assure you that it is just cold hard honesty of the way things are. There is an old saying that an optimist calls a pragmatist a pessimist and the pessimist calls the pragmatist an optimist. We always redirect our own biases towards others (believing ourselves to be "normal" and thus it must be the other person who is being too positive or too negative, rather than seeing ourselves as already starting with a positive/negative bias in the beginning).

As things stand she has now pulled the "I am sick" card (delivered with the obligatory guilt trips) in order to cancel out any issue that I have. She likes to play that card when she is in the wrong because she knows I will err on the side of "just in case" and put her issues first.

What you can help me with is to help me understand the mindset where a person believes their "best" option is to lie when they know the ability to discover the lie is impossible (ie "He cant ever find out that I am not sick, so its ok to exaggerate and make it sound worse than what it is, I am safe from being caught out").

Just please... no more platitudes, no more "I hear you"... I understand you guys may be trained to do this, but such mechanics only work on those who dont understand their artificiality. Thats just how I feel, I dont want things sugar coated or "polished" for effect

[Croix]

Dear AlwaysForgotten~
I've been through and read a lot of you previous posts, many giving help and advice to others, and quite frankly find a lot of your views very sensible

I know firstly that you were adopted and your adoptive parents have now past away and if I've read things correctly you have no family to draw upon. In addition, although you have been married around 12 years that since a visit by your wife to a clinic she would appear to have drawn away from you, and now you have reached the stage of separation, with communications between you being minimal on her part

Your wife does have a number of illnesses, including a mental condition and from your account is reaching out and making friends of her own now you are separated. I have to admit I do not know if you yourself suffer a mental condition, if you have in fact set this out I apologize, it can be hard to pick up everything in a number of scattered posts

I have very much picked up that you have had experiences of misdiagnosis and lackadaisical or misdirected treatment in relation to your wife, and yourselves as a couple, and as a result do not hold the areas of medical practice you have tried to rely upon in high esteem. Unfortunately this does indeed happen on occasion and I believe you have been most unfortunate

Now there is you, the dog, loneliness and doubt

OK, you wonder if you simply are writing to saying how bad things are, a vent. Well, yes, and good! I firmly believe this is a necessary part of the human condition, and not to do so simply makes things worse

Obviously, the response to such an outcry makes all the difference. People often from their own successful treatments tend to offer possible partial solutions, and I'd agree that this can sometimes makes things seem worse

I'm not going to try to offer any advice, you have as many brains as I (it comes though in your writing) and have some obstacles to overcome, including uncertainly over how to treat or cope with your wife, a probable difficulty in easily attracting friends due to a life where many have disappeared through no fault of your own - starting with your natural parents plus isolation and little faith in the medical body

May I turn things around and firstly ask what you would like from me or others here , and more broadly what you see as possible ways to cope with, and even sometimes overcome, your problems

Again I apologize if I have missed out / misunderstood something of importance

I do look forward to your reply

Croix

[Croix]

PS. Dear AlwaysForgotten~

There is one thing I would like to correct and missed out in my reply. All of us here, with the exception of clearly marked staff, are simply volunteers who have been though hard times and wish to help others as a result by sharing as a result, we are not trained clinicians, just humans.

-C

[Aaronsis]

Hi AlwaysForgotten

I wanted to say that in no way do we have any "training" as such to be able to support, care and reach out to another human being here, afterall that is why you came to the forum, to reach out to a fellow person to have your question answered. We are all here to reach out to another to give them an alternative thought, some one to hear their pain and in doing that we do apologize for the way they are feeling, we do understand another's pain, it is called empathy and something alot of us here do share, the ability to care for another and though we may not have lived that exact experience we can still care for that person. You mentioned that the maybe you did just need to vent, if that being the case I hope it has made you feel better, however from your words "Just please... no more platitudes, no more "I hear you"... I understand you guys may be trained to do this, but such mechanics only work on those who dont understand their artificiality. Thats just how I feel, I dont want things sugar coated or "polished" for effect" you were hoping for something more tangible to help you through this time in finding out why your partner has "lied" to you?

Can I suggest that sometimes people lie out of fear, that they don't know what the response is going to be to the truth and perhaps are more familiar with the response in the lie, so they keep it going. Can I suggest that people lie as they prefer the alternative to a life they are not have fulfilled? They may lie as the truth is too hard to live with...the list goes on, I think for you the only way in which you can fully get the answer to this question is to ask your partner outright.

I would not like to suggest that I have the answers for you at all, merely a suggestion as to why it could be so.

Also I would like to let you know that Community Champions are here for the care of this precious community, to care for another, to use our lived experiences, our empathy and our want to help another to make sure that a fellow human can feel comfort and support, we are not paid, we do this for love, as too do many other people in this Community that don't have a title, they are just here to be a good human and to help another in need.

Cheers

Sarah

[AlwaysForgotten]

Hi Croix,

I do want to say that I am appreciative of the empathy & believe it is genuine, I guess it is more the "patterns" that people tend to follow in the way they communicate that feel a bit superfluous to me (hence the no need to "polish").

I think the initial reason that I posted, as well as to vent was a conditioned response that I used to have, where I could share my frustrations with people that were in my life. Not having any such people now, at least going through the motions was reminiscent of that time, so it was a placebo.

You have pretty much summarized my posts, with a few minor exceptions/expansions. I dont believe I suffer from any mental illness (other than just being an alien from another planet), and my wife chose not to come home (putting paranoia over previous behaviors of other people over facts) but still adamantly says we are not separated (I believe in order to ensure my remaining in stasis for her benefit).

In addition to that, there is another layer whereby hearing from other people who have been in similar situations I might just pick up something that could help (I try to hide the optimist in me, but fail miserably), or perhaps even hearing what I am going through it could help others (carry over from being adopted I have a need to feel helpful to others).

[AlwaysForgotten]

...Continued

In relation to "friends", I think this is where things become a bit murky. Obviously I am still committed to my marriage, so trying to make new friends while obviously not wanting to go into all of this detail up front just comes off as creepy. "Yes I am married, but my wife... erm.. well she isn't interested in doing this with me". No matter what variation I try to come up with, trying to establish my own friends in this situation I doubt will be seen by many as being genuine.

Its interesting. She has purposely kept me away from the friendships she has made & I can only ascertain that perhaps she has not been honest with them about our situation. It would be far easier for her to say we are separated, that I am not in the picture in order to gain sympathy from others & to give her the freedom to make whatever friendships she wants (knowing the differences between men & women). Such a narrative would be spoiled by my presence so she keeps her worlds vastly separate.

Of course I go through the obligatory evaluation & self-evaluation, looking at ways to meet my needs on my own, find ways of coping, assessing if/when the point of diminishing gains is reached, pragmatically whether there is a path to the relationship recovering & I have a plethora of varying scenarios which have different levels of "possibility" that I am constantly tweaking in one way or another based on her words (and her actions which often dont match).

In case it isn't obvious I am very misanthropic... I hate people but I like individuals. I feel like I watch this world as a spectator, seeing how people constantly suffer from things like the Fundamental Attribution Error, never willing to learn about themselves & always blaming others for their own mistakes because its "easier". And I dont put myself above this scrutiny either, in fact I come down harder on myself than I would do anyone else which may be why I falsely feel that I am being "fair" when I come down on others less harshly.

But I do understand what you & Sarah are saying about not everyone here being "trained", that was definitely a mistake on my part assuming that anyone who would be designated as a community representative here would have had some kind of "dos and donts" training, so I apologize for that.