The "gang" mentality

[white knight]

Many of us, those with and without MI, will be confronted with the "gang" mentality. Age has no barrier to this especially in cyber world. We felt it in the school yard, in the workplace and now in social media. Why does it exist?

Gangs have strength by numbers. Often there is a leader and that leader find comfort and security with his/her brood hanging around. With cyber world there might not be a leader, more often than not there is more of a 'feeding frenzy' amongst those that have a common cause- to denigrate and  destroy.  These groups more often than not are no longer interested in remedy, to keep the victim within their group, no longer believing that person has anything left to offer them anything significant that they themselves can provide.

We all know the scenario. Gangs in school were made up with miss/master popular, the kid that didnt have to do much to be so. All he had to do was be the master, the attractive cool type, that seemed to have it all just by being himself, He would always be in the middle with his disciples flanked on either side jostling for his attention. Who were their targets? More often than not their target were kids that didnt fit in well with others, looked different, weren't "cool" and came from well structured caring households. The kids that weren't let loose on the streets, had little self esteem and displayed their fear of them. Natural targets.

Social media. Facebook, twitter and the like. Evidence of the 'gang' feeding frenzy- you dont have to look far. Early 2014 actress Charlotte Dawson bowed to the pressure.  Faceless cowardly gang member didnt even know each other, but they boarded the bully bus together in a shocking display, public display at that, frenzy that had fatal consequences.

Protection? Well even this 58yo male with a security and prison officer background found it just too hard to survive in 2 motoring clubs against the 'flow' of the frenzies. In my case both clubs knew of my struggles mentally as I'm 'out there' with my life and what bothers me. Those that can hide their issues may well be better off, the quiet type, the reserved. But in my case why should I hide anything to be "one of them".

T'is why I'm here. I'm one of you.  But I feel a loss not maintaining some sort of mild friendship with some of the clubs members. I'm an outcast, I'm not in the "clique".

Since distancing from the clubs I'm happier. And that's the bottom line. How do you fare with clubs/groups? How do you survive in them? 

[white knight]

Hi KezzaA,

Friendships are fluid things, they come and go in your life with one or maybe two close ones that never leave your side- if you are lucky IMO. Lucky because the odd very close friend has left my life due to my pre medication days of mania and torment.

However I've had a friend recently that I had to let go Kezza. I'd known him for 25 years and we once were neighbours. I knew his mother well as I used to do her garden. He is a single man late 60's,  there was a side to him I found difficult- a side I labelled to myself as the school principle side.

It was a demeanour of authority on all topics. He was a slim man and I had been over weight all my life. There is all this advice for over weight people and it comes from slim people. There were many comments of his I found abrasive but one day it all fell into place and I had to rid him once and for all. The topic he raised was my weight and eating habits. The lecture began and me being sensitive I began to fume inside. Comments like "you do over eat", "you dont need that extra biscuit", "you dont walk enough" and on and on it went.

My decison to end the friendship came at that time when I knew I could no longer tolerate being his pupil, regardless of his intentions. I stood up and said "thankyou for that cup of tea John and I'll be off now. I'd like to say though that you brought up the topic of my eating habits and I'm tired of explaining to people my life long struggle with that issue. I prefer not to talk about this ever again. He surprisingly defended his comments saying it takes a friend to be honest.  I said "Ok" and left.  I didnt answer he next two phone calls.  Several weeks later we met at the shops and had a brief , friendly discussion. If he had made it anything more than that I would have been firm but friendly in my rejection.

It isnt easy severing friends. I think that it should never be done by phone, text or social media. But at the end of the day there is no easy way.

[Liam007]

I felt a similar way with one of my friends.

He always thought I was a wimp, he was very laid back in his ways. He would often skip class and not turn up to school most of the time. When he did he was often tying to tell me what to do. He would use very child like tactics to get his way "Do this or else I won't speak to you again". I tried my best to be kind to him and just figured that this would all pass. It didn't 

In the later years he started to get sick of me, I always liked obeying the rules and doing the right thing. I never wanted to skip classes and never not turn up unless it was necessary eg. doctors etc.

So in 2013 he found someone who had a similar attitude to his, he liked ditching classes and doing the wrong thing. The two of them tried to put peer pressure on me to do the same but I always refused. They started to act very cruel towards me.

There was a girl I was friends with and getting along with, the two of them went up to her and said I had a crush on her and wanted to get with her and all these other creepy inappropriate things. I have since never spoken to her out of fear, I've heard she know thinks I'm weird. I was sad but I had to forget it, the damage was done.

The final straw came during class, I asked my friend (before the other kid) if he would like to come watch a movie with me, or come bowling. He turned to the other kid and asked him if he would join us when that kid responded no he turned to me and said "Nah he's not coming, I don't want to go if it's just you" I almost cried.

I tried my best to get along with him, but he felt since I was a goody two shoes that I wasn't worth talking to. I then lost it a little, I told the other kid he was a rude awful person and that I never wanted to speak to him again and that I was furious that he spread rumors about me because I didn't want to hang out with him to do the wrong thing.  He ended up failing Year 10 and having to repeat, He dropped out half way through the year and I never saw him again. He tried to speak to me out of school but I ignored him. I don't speak much to the other kid. He's hardly there anymore

[white knight]

Hi all,

I have an elderly male friend that moved from the city to a rural town in the Wimmera outback Victoria. That was 13 years ago, you'd think he was a local now- not so.

A carpenter by trade my friend would tinker in his large rear shed at home. Then finally he took the leap and tried to fit in at the local "mens shed".

Soon he came to realise that there was a hierarchy in that shed, unwritten rules and one had to igmnore some opinions but take note of (obey) others directions. The small organisation was toxic to him, after all he thought, I'm joining to help with community projects not to - go back to school.

So recently we moved into our own new home we built ourselves in a regional town. We had to visit the local GP and had an introductory meeting there. He suggested many such organisations in town that would like our voluntary services. In my view my contribution here on this forum was more important and I refrained from joining any other groups here in town. It isnt easy knocking back invitations.

There is merit for "charity begins at home". For those of us that struggle in social environments it isnt a bad thing to be conservative, taking care not to enter into groups that could overload you. These people have a good intent, however they are highly unlikely to understand your limits of your abilities and nature of your illness.

"He just walked out- didnt even say goodbye". Is a comment I try to not hear from other people that just dont understand.

It's ok not to join such community groups. It's ok to enjoy solitude. It's ok to be yourself.

TonyWK

[white knight]

As previously stated, I live in a new town. My prevous small village had cliques and was not enjoyable doing community work there.

The street I'm new in is odd but good. There is no close friendships which means no cliques. No gossip that I'm aware of. No "gang mentality"

Therefore I'm very wary not to engage too long and too often with neighbours. A hello and goodbye and nice day is sufficient.

Being over friendly can backfire. Be aware. You dont need your neighbours to be best friends.

TonyWK