The Big Book of Blue

[Brendo82]

I don't remember exactly when the thoughts in my head began to add up, stacking one on top of the next and creating the pattern that led to the most serious times in my illness ( see Brendon's Story originally posted 01/08/2013 ) and I guess then brought me to this point. You can find analogies for how it goes. I think of the thoughts that go with each new episode of anxiety or depression or self harm as being a little story of their own. Each story then becomes a chapter of a book -  made up of the thoughts you create for yourself to justify the hurt and the fear and chapter by chapter, the book grows. My own book over a quarter century became massive - so big it became like a physical weight on my shoulders - like a Stephen King novel of personal horror.

The stories were and are constant and recurring. But day by day I learn to recognise them as just stories. I don't have to read them. I don't have to invest in them. I don't deny them or try to push them away or change them. They are neither good or bad -   I simply just choose not to give them power over me anymore.

 Perhaps you could recognise some of these in your own experience of mental illness.

 "People will judge me."

"Trying equals failure. It's best to not try so I don't become embarrassing."

 "I have nothing worth saying or contributing."

 And that old favourite "I don't deserve to be loved. I am unlovable."

Don't buy in to these stories. They will cost you, as they have done for me, so much of your time and energy that the world will just pass you by. Write a new book instead, and fill it with all the things that you hold precious. It's worth it!

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Brendon,

The world passes us by anyway but I can see where you're coming from.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Brendo, when you say "I have nothing worth saying or contributing," I don't believe this is right, because every story or anybody who posts on here has something that someone else can relate to, so they attach themselves to this comment and either replies or learns that you or me are going through the same situation.

People with depression are always judged, because this illness is still regarded as taboo, sure it's improving by ads on TV, advertising and awareness at medical clinics, but every story is a case history for professionals to also learn from.

Simply because they have a degree doesn't ensure them that they know everything about depression, they don't, because every person is different, their circumstances are different, and what works for person A doesn't mean it will help person D.

It's no different than a lawyer in court and they refer to a case that happened 20 years ago, and by doing so they win the case.

So your book that leads onto books are a valuable asset to have and by reading it someone will learn from it. Geoff.

[Brett]

Hi Brendon,

Thank you for the advice. My life doesn't necessarily improve when I let go of the storyline. However, it doesn't get any worse. I feel as though I am treading water at the moment, and letting go of the negative storyline has been the most effective tool I have found. I would like to write a new story too, one about self-compassion; because my lack of it has greatly contributed towards my illness. That is, I suffer from depression and then beat myself up about it. I am currently seeing a therapist who works with life stories. I am not necessarily advocating for therapy other than to say that working with new stories has begun to work for me. I would like to now think that I am  doing well given my illness. 

Thank you for the post,

Brett.     

[geoff]

dear Brett and Brendon, I would suggest the both of you contact BlueVoices, they are asking for personal stories of depression. Geoff.

[sophy]

Hi Brendon,

Thanks for your post, my stories feel pretty ingrained in me. I'm a lot better than I was earlier in the year, but I can still feel the same thoughts and stories lurking in the background just waiting for any chance to pop up.