The art of listening

[white knight]

Sounds automatic right? Not for many. How often do you talk or argue and you feel you aren’t being listened to? Yep, I know that feeling well and let’s be fair, others feel the same about us.

I have a philosophy on listening if you care to read on. See, we all know that forums have their negatives. Recently a car forum had a debate. It was that some other new comers to that forum ask a question and got answers but those posters didn’t return to the forum to thank the responders for their answers. The responders felt the new members were rude by not thanking them.

My theory is this- that you don’t answer a members question to get a thankyou. While it is courteous to offer thanks when it comes to forums people are busy, stressed, forget,forgot their password/user name have problems etc and for what ever reason they don’t log on again. However numerous other members that logged on would benefit from the advice given so it isn’t wasted.

So my idea on “listening” is such that the other party has a need to express themselves so much, to empty their thoughts so much that they are not accommodating your words. Is it a case of this need to dump their mind of thoughts rather than being rude not listening to you? If that’s the case they aren’t intentionally being rude. The rudeness is from your perspective not really reality.

So its more of a reason to allow them to dump their thoughts and if so you might as well listen intently on what they are saying. Then begin to respond and if needed, if they interrupt, kindly and calmly without intimidation, remind them that you allowed them to speak without talking…then say what you want to say.

There are other factors involved in this listening/interrupting issue. We have a “flight or fight” inbuilt persona that we automatically engage when in conflict. For some of us the challenge of listening is difficult but the rewards can be great. Suddenly your partner is taken back by your question “is anything wrong, I’m wanting to listen” and then actually listen.

Loving someone isn't so straight forward. Getting to know your partner to the degree that you are almost inside their mind watching the cogs turning is only possible by observation and listening...which means little talk for some period of time. Make no mistake, this act of listening if done with determination is likely the greatest gift you can provide to your relationship.

The wonder is, that if done regularly most times the favour is returned...harmony!

Tony WK

[white knight]

Hi Deebi

A good way to know if someone is really interested is to note if they ask questions. Some people just want to tell you what they want you to hear but if they don't ask questions they aren't interested in what you are saying.

Another dislike I have is when you are talking they are actually thinking up what they are going to say next, with little regard to what your say.

These are all natural communication issues but being bipolar it is what I can and cannot tolerate that is important. I've become a master at wiggling my way out of unsavory exchanges.

I have to admit I like to be on my own a lot. Take shopping. I was at the dairy of a supermarket and about to trolley a couple of butter tubs when a woman approached and began to tell me how to make butter easier to spread. She went on about mixing olive oil with butter and I'd need a heavy duty mixer and you better do it because your health will be so much better and, and, ...I couldn't move on. She took about 10 minutes. Now, for a retired guy and also my wife, it shouldn't be a big deal, but it was, the reason is, I went shopping to go shopping not listen to some person giving me a lecture on butter. But she meant well...oh dear.

The other conversations I dislike is when the other party have ulterior motives. If I know they have a plan as if they are swindling me, or trying to.,

Tony WK

[demonblaster]

That's right questions showbinterest too but not always I know some excellent listeners and they wait often to the end but when people don't answer at all 😆 of course I'm thinking okaaayyy so where are we with that one did I bore them silly or didn't like what I said seriously the day I fully build self esteem will be the happiest of my life jeez I'll settle for 90% people think I'm strong and confident which both to a degree but underneath blaghh it's not an act being confident I am in a few areas.Taken yrs to build

Well done wiggling out, teach away I may not do but keen to hear

Lol but olive oil you should use nah kidding actually I've heard that it softens it, mind you so does a microwave not too long for gee few lessons learnt there

I read as I go, don't mean books 😅 sorry just good to be happy again, heard you were down but better too, good to hear. So I gauge how interested they seem and sometimes mid sentence say you're not interested aye or I'm boring you ☺ or pull it up.

I love spontaneous chats or usually a quicky laugh but I say if I can't stop but as nicely as po. So many lonely people out there saw it a lot doing door to door so I chatted that I like to but would have preferred they bought something or been knocking more doors but it's heart breaking how many esp elderly.

Ulterior motives I'm hearing but reading someone atm in that same situation. Already said no to this person 3 times and I can be stubborn as shame to have to though I don't trust them few reasons.

I think it's very safe to say less people listen

Go easy Tony