Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

[quirkywords]

Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

I am here to help you why can't you see that?

Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Greetings to everyone

ThanksStaringnew for your comments.

Confidence is a strange concept as people to think everyone else has it but they dont.

I would say it would take great confidence to write over 4000 posts here and to able to offer to help others. There are people who never post at all because they lack confidence.I suppose it depends how you define confidence.

People I see as confident tell me how that is a mask and they are very insecure.

I think we need to learn to accept a positive thing someone says and tel inner critic to be quiet. AS people have said, we would not allow a best friend to be bullied the way we let our inner critic bully us.

I think challenging yourself is good as long as you start with something small.

Thanks SN for your thoughts .

Quirky

[startingnew]

theres a big difference between posting online and having time to think about what to say and write then to talking to people offline Quirky, i guess thats a big part for me. with a screen i can type at my own pace and think about what it is i want to say whereas offline i get super nervous, start stuttering and fumbling with my words making me sound like a total fool. Still on here i hesitate with each post with that nagging IC talkign to me, i read alot more than i type but it becomes a little less scary when people like you say that my writing is good or others give me feedback as well- being on here and helped get up off the floor has been the best thing ive ever done on my recovery journey- it truley has.

and with bullies and standing up for our friends- it is often visible and is an external thing (to us as in witnessing name calling or seeing text msgs etc) where as our IC is an internal battle. i hope one day that each of us will be able to stop that constant internal battle and start breathing and living again...

[Quercus]

Hi everyone,

Yep SN I know the screen vs reality dilemma oh so well too. Online is easy once you settle into the forums. In person... not so much.

As part of volunteering here I had to have a chat with the forum manager Chris over the phone. My inner critic had a field day. I thought afterwards well that's it now the cat's out of the bag. Online I am a chatterbox. On the phone I either blurt it out or have awkward silences.

Sometimes my critic pipes up saying if people really knew you they wouldn't bother hitting reply. I don't always have a response to that.

Bloody critic. Wish it would be quiet. Today I went to buy biscuits to take to the real estate agent and fell apart at the register. Why? Because I wasn't local and didn't realise you had to bag your own stuff. Couldn't even get a word out. Haven't stopped apologising since. I'd apologise to a rock if I tripped over it.

Dear Critic.

You suck. I'm sick of you making me feel worthless today because I'm not. So please go do something useful. Sit in the back of my brain and work out how to do long division huh?

Kindest, Nat (owner of this brain you're currently irritating).

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

SN, yes I realise the difference between online and offline but there are many may people reading on the forum who never post and they would see you as very confidnet. Thats what I was trying to say . They would see you from a different perceptive.Ido understand the difference and how hard face it face can be.

I just find if I see my inner critic as a bully I can sometimes stand up to it. I suppose like Nat I write and talk to mine so I make it less internal. SN have you ever written to your critic?

I really appreciate your contributions to mythread.thanks.

Nat,thanks foryour comment. I liked the way you put IC in its place. I was in a different shop the other day and I was waiting in the wrong place. No one told me and watched everyone getting served until I realised and I felt very silly. Critic said how silly I was that I couldn't even go shopping in a corner store!

Like you on the phoneI either can't get my thoughts together or I rave on nervously .I told you I am queen of sorry no offer apologise to inanimate objects when I bump into them!!

At the moment my critic I feel is siting to jump on me about things they have gone wrong recently so while I amclam now I am waiting- how weird is that.

Quirky

[startingnew]

hi everyone

sorry Quirky, i read back and that last post sounded horrible even though it wasnt intended that way.

ill respond abit more tomorrow when i can gather my thoughts better

xox

[quirkywords]

Sn

no need to apologise I liked your last post, Try not to be critical of yourself. You write and express yourself so ell.

Quirky

[Moonstruck]

I thought I had silenced my Inner Critic...as I have been doing my best and coping quite well (I thought) considering the sadness and pain that sometimes overwhelms me.....but today is a Sunday and I have no commitments today. I "could" go into the town centre and get a few things, fill in some hours. I "could" go for a walk to the beach, or even a swim.

It's terribly terribly hot and humid. Walking in the heat will not be pleasant and there'll be heaps of people at the beach on a weekend...I much prefer weekdays. I have anaemia at present and get extremely tired. Especially in the heat. I have had a busy week and I am actually very very tired. I would much prefer to lie under a fan and read some books/mags I am looking forward to. Or..I could watch a favourite DVD. these are things I would "like"to do today.

So now...my Inner Critic is having a great time, shouting first in one ear, then the other "Look at yourself, you need some exercise, get out there in the sunshine, you're so lucky to have the beach so close, why are you wasting your day lying around in the house...you lazy thing! You can read at night before you go to sleep...you can watch that crap on TV any time....surely there must be something constructive you can do with your time? You're just using that anaemia thing as an excuse! So what if you're coming out in tiny bruises here and there...they are probably just "age spots"...you are getting on in years you know!!! You have to keep moving, just lying around resting is not helping to strengthen your muscles, joints etc. (I am actually doing regular Pilates classes which have been very strengthening and I've achieved a lot there....but Inner Critic seems to forget that!)

So how do I spend the rest of the day doing what I want (which is nothing much) .and not feel guilty?? Any clues Quirky?

[quirkywords]

Moon,

I replied hours ago, but the reply was lost as I was on a bus and the internet faded.

I am now curious what you did . I do hope you ignored your inner critic and had a well deserved rest and watched TV or read a book.

I am queen of feeling guilty but really what is wrong with a rest . I would have told your critic off and sent it to the naughty corner it's no sweets.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

What happens when you agree with your inner critic ?

At the moment i feel like I have been a bad friend to someone (offline) who was helping me even though she was not well and now I feel I let her down by being selfish.

I thought she was better, she was acting better, and offered practical help. I knew she had many issues and was fragile but I let her help me. Even now she still wants to be there for me which makes me doubly guilty as I am ok.

Now she tells me how she is near meltdown and of course inner critic and I agree I have been self absorbed , have let her down,and did not see the signs.

So when my inner critic tells me I am a bad friend and a selfish human I agree.

I hope this makes sense as I did not want to go into lots of details. My friend had other things going on in her life that triggered her illness but of course I feel guilty for her helping me.

This thread has been about talking to the inner critic, even telling it off, but what happens when I agree.

If anyone has any ideas or input that would help me.

Quirky

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky,

I completely get you here. Yesterday's session at the psych was about feeling guilty and self absorbed and selfish.

Lately I've considered ending my therapy because I'm worried I am becoming self absorbed to the expense of my relationships with my family and friends. When we make our needs a priority it means some of the energy we would usually invest in others is given to ourselves instead.

I'm kind of in this constant state of feeling like I let people down. The guilt is enormous.

The psych asked me to think about if my response was over critical. That perhaps I needed to be more vocal about what I had to offer in the first place. And to be more forgiving of myself.

I may not know how to change my feelings but his suggestion to be vocal is something I can and have been trying to do. It shuts my critic up a little because I can say I am doing what I can and others are aware of it.

I'm trying to tell people in advance when I just don't have much to give. Like sending a text letting friends I would usually catch up with weekly that I will have to do every second week because of all the house selling and school commitments snowing me under.

They understood but also it helped me to feel less guilty. They know I care and will make time for them but also that at this current moment I am so busy that if I try meet everyones needs I will exhaust myself.

With your friend maybe it could be easier on you to have a conversation every fornight so they know you do care for them but are just caught up with your own responsibilities right now.

What do you think? I think you're a good friend Quirky and are being very hard on yourself. Give it a rest Quirky's critic!

❤ Nat