Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

[quirkywords]

Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

I am here to help you why can't you see that?

Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Eagleray

i have talked about a coach to drown out the critic. Coach’s are kind 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Quirky,

Yes, a coach is a great idea. I find myself thinking of an encouraging parent. I think anyone who feels grounded, safe, supportive and kind can help. I think I form my encouraging parent out of various kind people I’ve met and their qualities combine into a kind, supportive inner voice who can definitely also be like a coach. It’s like absorbing the good energy from good people I’ve known and turning that into a supportive inner guide.

Actually a guide is another way of looking at it too, like a wise elder or a monk or nun who is benevolent and carries wisdom, or some other archetypal figure who acts as a guide and shows the way.

Years ago I felt a calling to become a teacher assistant when I was in the middle of prolonged, severe chronic pain. I just felt drawn to it. While trying to make the decision I dreamed I was attending an enrolment day for the teacher assistant course. When I arrived the only other person there was an elderly man dressed neatly as if for a job interview. He smiled at me in a kind and affirming way. He looked and felt really benevolent in the dream. When I woke from this dream it felt like a sign I was meant to do the course. So I did enrol in the course and met the loveliest people and had wonderful teachers. I was still in huge amounts of pain but noticed it would somewhat lessen after these positive interactions. I then became a teacher assistant and it was some of the most meaningful work I’ve done.

Sorry, long story! But I think what it showed me was I had an inner guide supporting me in the form of this elderly man. This was at a time my self-esteem was at an all time low too and my inner critic was very strong. So even in the depths of despair there can be a guide in us and there is always hope.

[Emotions26]

Hello Er

Thank you for your caring response. I could see that you read my words and thought about them. I feel as though you connected well considering this form of communication. No I am not marking you out of 10. Reads like that though perhaps. I can easily be misunderstood in real life with people who do not know me. In that situation I believe ( this has been confirmed several times by my specialist and qualified people) that the responder is not listening to me. They are picking out random words that meet their ears and jump in with what their mind is thinking about through my whole speech. In other words they have not actually heard the majority of what I have said and reacted to their own interpretation. Hilarious! Funny no. Sad yes. Reality. It sure is. How do I deal with this. Long term criticise self yes that inner critic is kept very busy. In recent times respond with " "You are coming across as being defensive and I am not sure why". Well I am not making any new friends which is not my intention in the first place. I am relieving myself of self-centred; on occasion narcissistic trait people. They are not draining my energy. I am still in the early stages of this process. Draining along with other stuff that I am going through. I do feel that I am onto something finally that is actually putting myself at the top of the list. This is new! This can be called self-care and other labels. Whatever. I am being kind to myself. I will even go as far as to say it is my assertive voice shining through; just pushing through all of the debris and wasting energy and standing up for me. My inner kind voice side by side with my inner justice voice.

So thank you once again for this taming the critic idea.

This idea and your responses are helping me quietly and sometimes I just cannot hear it for all of the competing critic jargon.

I hope that all of the above makes some sense and somehow can help you.

I am not surprised to hear that you were in a teaching role and found it so meaningful. Your words come across as encouraging and informative. Also they are coming from a good place ER

Quirky I am sorry if my posts are too long for you.  It is my style to write as I think. If I condense my words they read too abruptly. It is not about you it is who I am and how I express myself.

So as briefly as I can, as I want to include you. Thank you for creating this space and continuing to leave your messages as you feel comfortable in doing.

Bye for now

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Ems,

 I really like what you say about your assertive voice pushing through all the debris. That is exactly how I feel - that I have all the broken bits from my life but somehow I’m pushing up through that with a voice and approach that is finally one of self-care (having struggled to self-care or even see myself in the past).

 I think it’s a good sign you are moving away from self-centred, narcissistic-type people. I think this is what happens when we finally start to really see and value ourselves. I love what you say about the inner kind voice standing with the inner justice voice. That’s a beautiful way of putting it. As we are kinder to ourselves, we are no longer able to tolerate those who are not kind to us and we know and see so clearly that their behaviour isn’t right. We can then gravitate to being more in the presence of those who are kind and healthy to be around.

Your post does make sense Ems and helps me too. I also relate to the being misunderstood at times, or misread in a way that does not reflect who I am or where I’m coming from. I am finding, however, that as I do find my assertive voice a bit more, I’m able to speak up for myself more and therefore find people see me better and where I’m coming from. Previously I was subject to the misinterpretation of others and didn’t know how to speak up or defend myself. I’d just feel lost and confused. I think I would just dissociate and kind of freeze. Now I’m more active and present. It does make life easier and if someone does still misinterpret me I’m learning to let go of their judgement. I’m finding that letting go actually can even shift their judgement when they realise I’m not taking the judgement on, improving the relationship with that person. I find all of this can even happen at a kind of energetic/sensing/feeling level. It’s like resolving a tension, conflict or misunderstanding without it ever having to escalate. Not sure if that makes sense?!

So it’s like the inner critic has a lot to do with how we relate to and have been treated by others. As we become more self-assured the inner critic becomes quieter and life becomes simpler and more spacious. That inner critic really does create a lot of clutter!

I hope you and dear Quirky too are going well today. Best wishes,

ER

[Emotions26]

Thank you ER

Your reply lets me know that you did understand some of my meaning which is impossible for another to grasp fully as you do not know me in real life.

This I thank you for with sincerity.

All of the above that I wrote about becomes exasperating and overwhelming when grief and trauma will not leave me alone.

Throw into that mix the fact that I am still attracting people with narcissistic traits even though I am setting clear boundaries.

These people have been compared to vampires. I am beginning to learn why.

When their energy supply is low they need to refill their tanks. They are on a constant look out for those who are sensitive in nature where empathy is innate within them. It is not a choice anymore it is a major part of their being. These cretons seek this and then contrive to cast a web. When my inner kind voice is side by side with my justice voice they cannot reach me. I can sense their vibes and my boundaries are set.   I do not seek these people they seek people like myself.

Triggered trauma and more grief added to the pile throws the kind and justice voices off balance.

I was once grabbed as a child under the age of seven and spun closer into the centre of an outdoor ice skating rink in the Northern hemisphere where I was born.  The centre of that rink had become quite overused and worn. This then weakens the ice and it gave way. Thankfully I was grabbed in time. The people who saved me took me over to my mum at the edge of the rink.

When I feel overwhelmed with too many feelings out of my control as a result of external life, I can sometimes find myself back on that ice rink being spun around so fast close to the centre. Spinning out of control momentarily taken back in time.  When that spinning stops my world has changed almost I have been literally plonked where I have landed.  Imagine everything that we learn in balance, stability, safety, senses all thrown out of perspective.

At those times my boundaries are shaky, my vibes I can miss and I am extremely vulnerable.

Sadly I met a lady who played on my vulnerability in November, this year. She was very kind and caring.  This was at the retreat that I stayed at.  Others there I was kind to and this was probably observed.  This said lady continually contacted me later by phone wanting to catch up.  I was not ready to do that and my sense of protection worked.  She persisted and I remained strong.   In December she tried again and caught me at a time when I was vulnerable. I agreed to meet her at a place about 30 minutes drive away.  She was one hour and a half late and her reasons given I felt for her.  The whole thing ended up in her treating me deplorably as I would not let her control me.  It was a community type lunch.  She acted like a petulant child and others attending commented on her behaviour, were quite taken aback as was I.  She left and then since has sent me over the top messages, with hearts wanting to catch up again twice now.  I have not replied to either as I know not to feed these vampires. 

There have been two major people in my past life sadly who have done much damage and I now work hard to keep these vampires away from me. Others since whom once recognised I have nothing further to do with.  It still seems ridiculous to me that people can be this way and have this effect on me. I am an intelligent person who can read people well.  Not these ones though who work so very hard with their many masks.

I still after all of the horrible treatment, just do not get how horrible some people really are.  It just does not compete with the way I feel and think.

All of this is meant to be about there are times where I cannot be thinking about kindness, critics, strategies.

Life is very much one step forward and two to three  steps back at the moment.

Breathing and nature are helping.

I appreciate your support and carefully thought out replies.  I am aware that you have your own struggles.  I will try to be here for you when I am more centred.  For now I would be more of a hindrance than a help.

That is what true support is though isn't it.  It is not about the same people always helping others.  It is about reaching out to others when they bravely reach out to be heard.

Thank you  Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Ems,

I found your post very moving. The narcissistic types do seek out empaths, and you are clearly an empath. I have found myself often in the same position. It is almost as if the narcissist has a hunting instinct like a kind of empathy radar where they know how to detect those with empathy. It is like they know that in moments of vulnerability we might give them the benefit of the doubt and be kind to them, hence they try to get their hooks in and keep us tied to them in some way.

I'm so sorry you had that recent experience with the lady on the retreat but really glad that you have been maintaining the boundary. I really understand how hard that is. I have recently gone no contact with a relative who falls into the covert narcissist category. She would expect me to do things for her and become highly agitated if I didn't, even though I've been struggling with significant health issues and it takes me an hour to drive to her town. She's taken things from my home that belonged to my deceased parents that she decided she was entitled to saying she was "borrowing" them. Then worse things to do with the abuse of my cousin which I won't even go into as it is so horrible. So now I've stopped responding to her I am getting lovey dovey cards in the mail with titles like "Never Forgotten" and "Always in My Heart". They just go straight into my recycling bin. But initially it took a lot of effort for me to set and keep that boundary and I found it very stressful to begin with. But the more awful and manipulative her behaviour became the easier it has become to make having anything to do with her a clear and definitive no.

So I really feel for you Ems and I know it is a kind of stress that empaths endure. Less sensitive people probably don't get caught in these traps with narcissistic types. I feel it may at least in part be connected with just wanting to believe that the majority of people are good, that there is hope in the idea that people have good intentions and are decent people. Then when their behaviour indicates otherwise it is initially very disconcerting and then upsetting when realising what they are actually like.

I'm not sure I have any definitive answers about the best approach, but I do think putting yourself first becomes necessary and to not feel guilty about that. I honestly had no idea how to do this for the majority of my life, hence so much of my life has been given over to others and their needs and wants. It sounds like your journey may be a bit similar and you have reached that point where you absolutely can't sustain any longer those relationships that are exploitive or non-reciprocal. You deserve kindness Ems and I hope that as you keep boundaries and take care of yourself first that you will encounter good others who love and appreciate you for you, not because they see you as a resource to serve them.

I have been very damaged by narcissistic people as well and feel like I'm still in the process of recovery. But I feel a plus of being such a sensitive soul is that you can appreciate the beauty in the world, all the subtle things in nature, the very simple things in life that narcissists are incapable of appreciating and enjoying. I think the sensitive empaths live a richer, fuller life and I think their sensitivity can be transformed from a painful vulnerability into a nurturing, healing, expansive self that can feel and sense the wonders of the world.

I would say Ems, nurture those connections that are intuitively right, with the right people and situations, and let go of all the rest. I think this is what I am currently, gradually learning to do.

I found your description of the ice rink experience very powerful. I can understand how you would go into that feeling again when triggered by things in the present. I have childhood experiences that have a similar effect. I've been working through some with my psychologist and going to try EMDR soon with regard to childhood conditioning and experiences (have been waiting until I'm in the right state to do this). I think these things can be healed as well, even if they are always a kind of vulnerability that's there.

Sending you much care,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Ems and wave to Quirky too,

I just had another thought which is that a key strategy of the narcissist is to manipulate our inner critic. It's to get us to doubt ourselves, believe we are at fault, believe we are somehow responsible to them or for them etc.

Following my mother's death I had an in-law be highly abusive to me over several weeks, culminating in an episode of her screaming at me and criticising my recently deceased mother and myself. I collapsed on the ground in shock unable to breathe as I had been through several years of extreme stress and this finally pushed me over the edge. Not only did she continue her tirade unabated, she tried to convince me several days later that I must have mental problems and that my collapse was due to that. Like it had nothing to do with her even though her behaviour was obviously deranged. It was an obvious case of gaslighting. That's when I knew with horror what she is made of and I needed to make sure I no longer had her in my life. But her goal was to activate my inner critic, to make me doubt myself, to make me think I must be crazy, weak, pathetic, mentally unsound etc. You can start to feel these bad things if someone else strongly projects them onto you, so it is really important to recognise this strategy of the narcissist. I'm realising that many of us probably got such a harsh inner critic in the first place from early life experiences where we were invalidated and inappropriately blamed for things we never did and were never part of who we are. So I think there is a kind of reclaiming of the self that has to happen and a total rejection of others' projections and manipulations. When we have reclaimed ourself, the inner critic starts to be disassembled and a stronger and safer self emerges that knows itself wisely and clearly and cannot be manipulated by narcissistic others. I just thought I would add that thought, as I feel it's so important to detect and avert such manipulations that try to instil an inner critic in us or manipulate an existing inner critic that the narcissist might sense we have.

May we all reclaim our true self and be protected from the manipulations of others!

Take care,

ER

[quirkywords]

EMS ER

thanks for you thoughtful posts. You both write movingly about your experiences.

My inner critic makes me question everything about myself at times. I have a narcissistic controlling person in my life. I find I feel so powerless at times.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Quirky,

Having a controlling, narcissistic person in your life is very challenging. I hope you can find ways to protect yourself and retain your sense of self in relation to the behaviours of the narcissistic person. I really feel for you and I hope coming here to BB helps in balancing out the impacts of the person in your life. We are always here to support you Quirky. You are so thoughtful, kind and supportive towards others. A narcissistic person can lead you to question yourself and amplify the inner critic, so I hope we can counter that by validating you and letting you know the special person that you are. Feel free to check in here anytime you need some support and encouragement if the inner critic starts impacting you. It can be grounding and empowering to communicate with people who balance out the voice of the inner critic and to be reminded of what is real - that you are a worthy, good person.

Sending you much care and support,

Eagle Ray

[quirkywords]

Thanks eagle ray. I appreciate your remarks. I am ok because the behaviour isn’t all the time .

The best thing fir my mental health is to listen to others and help them.

the support on this forum is so helpful.