Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Hanna,

I feel a little better. Yes, it does leave me feeling a bit nauseated. Mostly it’s like the feeling you have when you are coming down with a bad flu, except I don’t go on to get the flu. The small bile ducts are progressively being damaged and substances get released into the bloodstream and I think that is what leaves me feeling so ill. I’m gradually learning to live with it.

Yes, it’s fascinating watching orchestras play and often the conductor is very animated which can be humorous at times. There’s a lot of concentration for the players reading their music and following the conductor.

That’s amazing you lived in Samoa for a year. I imagine it being warm all the time and quite a lush, beautiful place. Did you find the pace of life really slow down there? I feel like time often seems different on islands and I’ve heard the phrase “island time” to describe that feeling.

I’m so glad Brucie had his first proper play. It sounds like he really needed the cooler weather to feel like playing. It must be fun seeing him in play mode.

I’m glad you won’t have to keep worrying about the drug dealing neighbours being there. I always wonder those things too about how they came to addiction. I think there’s very often some kind of trauma or difficulty behind it. 

Reading in the evening is a lovely thing to do. I can relate to both lacking self-confidence and a mother who didn’t act lovingly. I realised when I was older my mother did love me in her own way but could not express or show it. She would frequently act out aggressively instead which linked to her own past trauma. Her behaviour was like that of some animals in rescue shelters who’ve been abused and act aggressively because of it. She looked to me to take care of her while also using me as someone to take out her rage on. I spent my life trying to heal her. It was very confusing. It can be helpful reading books that help put the pieces of our lives together and increase our understanding of things.

I’m really glad you have the cooler weather. I’m sorry it’s going to be hot again though! Hopefully as autumn continues you will see more and more of Brucie’s personality come out. It’s so lovely to have him 🐱🥰

Take care and have a wonderful day!

[Hanna3]

Hi ER

I can imagine anything involving the liver would make you feel sickish, that is unpleasant for you.  It's significantly cooler here today which is such a treat after the hot, humid weather!  The mosquitoes are out in plague proportions though after the rain....

Your mother sounds a bit like mine - my mother was a troubled woman, her father came back from WW1 an alcoholic, I would imagine from trauma from the war and from what little i know, the family lived in terror of his violence.  Unfortunately she took this trauma out on us kids, my two older brothers and me especially as the youngest and only girl.  Our father was weak and her enabler - anything to keep her calm and happy.  One of my brothers was a gifted pianist and artist but she was violent to him and he's never really been OK.  I could never understand her behaving like that to a sensitive, artistically gifted child but then she was the same with me.  

She just had rages about almost anything and everything, I lived in terror of her growing up - if I did well at a subject at school she would ignore me, if I didn't do well she would scream in rage, so there was no pleasing her no matter what you did.  She was very jealous of any attention from my father, so she would not even attend my high school graduation.  I look back and think what a shame she couldn't get over the jealousy at least once.  A friend of mine went nursing years ago and told me about her room mate, a pleasant girl whose mother used to flirt with her boyfriend in front of her!   Imagine how the poor girl must have felt!  So there seem to be plenty of these mothers around...

I wonder if you might find the book I am reading helpful.  I borrowed from the library, Mothers Who Can't Love, a healing guide for daughters.  It's by Susan Forward.  I have found it so far the most enlightening book on the subject of mothers like ours that I have read and it's really been useful to read the accounts by other women of their experiences which are so much like mine.  If you have a local library maybe you could ask them to order it in?

The other thing I found helpful is you can just Google the Mumsnet forum and they have a thread on daughters of narcissistic mothers and it's helpful to read their stories - then you realize how common this is.

Music conductors can be very flamboyant can't they - it's all part of the show!  I think it would be wonderful to play in a good orchestra.  I used to love singing in a large choir - I think it's the shared interest, and the feel of a community.  I do miss that here so far.  There is a violin and classical guitar concert here in April and I plan to go to that for sure.  Otherwise there is not much live music here so I make the most of Utube.

Do you prefer orchestral music or choral music?  Any favourite instruments etc?

Any other interests like sport or art or whatever?  I suppose mine are music, reading, animals, singing and I like to go for a regular walk in cooler weather.  I used to paint but I don't any longer, I do some sketching and have  sketch book.  It's just for a pleasant amusement.

How strange is this - I am missing where I used to live and the other day I found a photograph of the street in that town I used to go to every day - it was an old photograph from last century - fancy finding that here on the coast far away!  I've put it on top of the bookshelf where I can enjoy it.

Not much other news, I hope your day has been OK.  Sending warmest wishes from me and kitty cat here to you!

Do you have any family ER?  Children at all or pets?  I don't have children - couldn't have them anyway due to a health issue.  It means I can be selfish and just go where I want or do what I want without having to worry about others - that's the good part of it.  On the other hand I have friends who only want to talk about their grandchildren and I can't  join in that discussion.

I found two marvellous cds at a local op shop today - one of Bach music and one of Vivaldi and they are gorgeous!  I love Op Shops for this reason - I find great things like that for next to nothing!

I'm decluttering my book collection and leaving the books at the local free street libraries - I love these.  

Kitty wakes up at 3am yowling for dinner, I have to shut him in another room for a couple of hours before I'm prepared to get up and get his food!  He gets the zoomies then.  Otherwise he's really sweet and curls up in my lap now, so he's finally starting to really settle in.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna,

Thank you for the book recommendation. I will look into it. It would have been hard for you living in fear of your mother. I had that too but my mother sometimes also showed kindness, even if in a distant way, so it was like dealing with a split personality. Her mother was the same. My father was extremely rageful until that eased by the time I was in my 20s. The only immediate family I have left is my brother but I do have quite a few extended family members. I have a cousin I feel close to and one of my father’s half-sisters too who lives in another state. I don’t have any children or pets. I don’t think I could have parented particularly well because I’ve carried just too much trauma stuff and despite my best efforts would have still significantly impacted any children I had. I love kids and had hoped for a future with a family of my own, but that hasn’t eventuated. Do you have any family you feel you can connect with? I know you have mentioned friends before. In a way I think family can become anyone, even those we’re not related to. It’s like forming a sense of belonging somewhere. And of course pets are most definitely family too.

My key hobby/interest has been photography for quite a while. I love landscape and wildlife photography. But also street photography and just being creative with a camera. I used to write songs and play guitar, but have done that very little in recent times. I’m glad you have your interests. Sketching can be a fun thing to do can’t it. I remember once going with a friend and her niece to sketch trees in a park. Trees are so interesting to sketch with their twists and turns in the branches. I’ve never been great at drawing so I admire people who can look at things and recreate them well in a sketch.

I’m glad you found the beautiful Bach and Vivaldi music. The street libraries are a great idea aren’t they. That’s amazing you found that historical photograph of the street from the town you used to live in that you have been missing. I’m glad you can have it at home to remember it. It’s so lovely that kitty is settling in. Hopefully he may adjust soon so he doesn’t wake you at 3am. Cats can seem to be in their active mode at night and sleepy mode in the day.

I hope you and Bruce have a really nice day!

[Hanna3]

Hi ER

I wish more people would be as thoughtful as you about having kids and what their impact on them might be - I wish my parents had done that!  I have come across people with a traumatic past who have gone to counselling before starting a family, because they were well aware they could potentially damage their children - I think that must have taken both courage and great insight on their part.

Today was very hot in the middle of the day, but the mornings and evenings are noticeably cooler now which I love - and the light is changing - there are longer shadows by the mid afternoon now.  I love Autumn.  

How great that you play guitar and sing - i learnt acoustic guitar for a couple of years where I lived previously as they had an excellent music school there.  I did enjoy it but am not very good - I found harp actually easier, I think because guitar hurt my fingers (reaching for the chords on the fretboard) whereas harp is very light to finger - and also I had studied harp previously when I was younger which always helps!  I think my guitar teacher was incredibly patient with me...

My guitar now sits in the corner of my living room, at least it's a bit decorative I suppose!  I found out yesterday that next month there is a big violin competition and concert in a town near here, so I will definitely book myself in to hear that!  

I have had no energy today, it's been warm and I have had a virus hanging around.  I took ages shopping this morning as I ran into a couple of nice chatty people so poor Brucie has been alone for a long time which he doesn't like.  

I don't know if I mentioned I ran into a lovely lady a couple of weeks ago who had lived where I did when I was growing up - we knew several of the same people and we had such a good chat.  She had studied singing and I studied singing in my 30s - I had wanted to sing since I was a little kid but my mother forbad lessons - I was learning classical (so opera) singing.  Well this lady told me about how as an 18 year old she went into a singing competition and one of the other competitors was none other than young Joan Sutherland!  Well, this lady beat Joan Sutherland - but she told me she'd never manage to do that ever again, it was only that they were both so very young.  Please excuse me if I've already mentioned this to you..

I thought that was amazing, to meet someone who had sung against Dame Joan!  I said she should hand out autographs!  We had a lovely talk about singing and opera.  (I'm a mad Jonas Kaufman fan).

It's great that you enjoy photography!  My father used to develop his own black and white photographs - when I was a kid I found it enthralling - he had a room in the garage underneath the house where he would develop his photographs - I used to be fascinated as he swooshed them around in the water and like magic I would see the picture appearing.  Then he would peg them up along a string to dry.  I still have some of his photographs and he was clearly talented.  Anyway, as a child I thought it was quite magical.  What a lovely interest for you to have.

I used to sketch trees a lot, their winding branches are so interesting - the trees here are particularly noticeable, I've never seen such winding, convoluted branches as the gum trees here - and the trees are incredibly tall here.  

The Vivaldi cd I purchased yesterday for two dollars gave me an hour of beautiful music!  That was two dollars well spent for sure.  

Well I must feed poor Brucie and keep him some company for a while!  Are you noticing that autumn is on it's way where you are?  I think it's the best time of year.

It is nice chatting with you and how nice we both enjoy things like music and photography and drawing!  It's often hard to find people who enjoy classical music I don't know why.  

Lovely talking with you!  I hope you have a pleasant afternoon and evening!

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna,

I’m sorry for my late reply. I’ve not been too well and had a migraine the last couple of days. I just couldn’t write a post. That’s amazing about meeting the lady who beat Dame Joan Sutherland!

Yes it is amazing watching photographs develop. I got to learn to process black and white film when I was in high school and I loved it. It really is like magic watching the image appear isn’t it.

Trees are fascinating to sketch. When you were describing them I was remembering an interview I heard with Cyndi Lauper. She said when she was a teenager she wanted to hitchhike across Canada with her dog and sketch or paint trees. I thought that was lovely. Cyndi Lauper has always seemed like a nice person to me who has remained herself and down to earth.

It’s the middle of the night here so I won’t write much more. But I hope you are getting some cooler weather now and that you and Brucie are going well.

Bye for now xx

[Hanna3]

Hi there ER,

Not to worry about when you reply - I hope you're feeling better now.  I think it would be marvellous to know how to develop photographs like you can - I only watched my father long ago, I wouldn't know where to start.  There was an elderly man where I used to live who used to walk around the parks photographing flowers - he made up his own pictures at home by putting one photo on top of another background somehow and they looked wonderful - he was semi-professional.  I thought what a great interest it was as he was elderly and widowed - it got him out walking and a great hobby to keep him interested.  He was a lovely old man.

I can imagine the trees in Canada would be wonderful to sketch!  I must do some more myself here - they have such winding branches here, unlike any I have seen elsewhere and i don't know the reason.  

Today was a bit dull, I wanted to try a swim but it was packed with holiday makers and then it rained - so I just had a walk and a coffee.  I watched a video of Cat Stevens giving a concert last night - that really took me back!  He really was very good.

Bruce is getting the zoomies at 3am so I am a bit blearly eyed!  He has problems with food aggression if I leave him to wait - it's due to him having been lost and food must have been hard to find - it's going to take time with this boy, he is still so scared of things - a loud noise, my shoulder bag... I do sing to him and he seems to like this, he comes closer to me - animals do respond to music - and I play nice music around the house, I hope it helps to soothe him.  I think it's gong to take about 6 months or so to settle him down, he's quite traumatized.  My singing is atrocious now, so it's a wonder he doesn't run away when I sing instead of coming closer!  Dame Joan wouldn't like to hear me at all I'm very sure!

I found a photograph in an op shop here recently of the street near where I used to live inland - it shows the cafe where I used to go all the time but last century, when they used horses to get around - I bought it for a few dollars and have it on top of my bookshelf - I can work out exactly where the photographer was standing when he took the photograph - it's amazingly good considering it was so long ago and all the buildings are still the same with the lovely wrought iron balcony railings - they are heritage listed and have been kept as they were a hundred years ago, very beautiful.  I just found it amazing to find that photoraph here of all places, so far away!

I hope you rest up and get better - take care of yourself.  Are you getting hot weather, I hear there is a heatwave in WA and Victoria.

Do have a restful evening!

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna,

Yes, photography can be such a great activity. It is available to most people now even with a phone camera. I enjoyed hearing about the elderly man who got so much enjoyment from photographing the flowers in parks. I really enjoy photographing wildflowers in spring. In WA we have apparently the greatest plant diversity in the world along with South Africa, a similar climate. I know I will never get to see every wildflower species, but I am frequently seeing new ones I’ve never seen before. When I use a macro lens I see detail that tends to get missed with the naked eye. Sometimes I will later see a tiny spider in the photo that I didn’t see when taking it.

Yes, Australian trees have the most wonderful and irregular shapes that makes them interesting to sketch. They are less uniform/symmetrical than many of the trees in North America and much of Europe. They have so many twists and turns.

Yes, Cat Stevens has a number of great songs. They can be quite moving. They certainly have their own distinctive character. I very much enjoy watching concerts too. I recently saw a Joan Armatrading concert on TV and I was so impressed with her musical skills and diversity of songs. She is an amazing guitarist and songwriter and very down to earth.

That must be exhausting with Bruce getting the zoomies at 3am. The zoomies can be delightful but not so much when you are trying to sleep! It’s lovely that you sing to him. I think he will feel your good energy and know you are caring for him. It may take some time for him to settle from his trauma, but I’m sure you are a consistent and caring presence which will help him greatly.

That’s great finding the historical photo. I find it fascinating to see places I’ve known as they looked historically. One of my cousins was telling me about an area another cousin used to go chasing wild brumbies in. That area is now all roads, houses and businesses. Some places change drastically while others retain something of their past character including landmarks and historical buildings.

It is not hot where I am. In fact it is even a little cool, though being in the sun for a while it can get warm. I am pausing on a walk at the moment by a river. There is a lovely breeze. The water level is the lowest I’ve seen it. There are many wrens hopping about. I just saw tadpoles in the river. People sometimes swim in this section of the river. It’s very peaceful here.

Very best wishes,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER

It sounds lovely where you are!  The wildflowers must be lovely in the Spring.  It's turned very hot here like summer and we have this heat all week apparently - I am longing for a proper Autumn to start!  

The man I told you about had what looked like a very expensive camera and the photos he took at home were very creative - they were artistic shots of flowers in odd containers with different backgrounds - he told me he set it all up himself at home and entered competitions for it.  He obviously was very creative and what a great interest to have - something that got him walking around during the day and then busy doing these sets for photographs at home, where he said he was lonely as his wife and his daughter had passed leaving him alone.

He used to love talking with anyone interested about his hobby and I was happy to listen as I didn't have many friends there yet at that time myself.

Yes the inland town where I used to live had old photographs from last century enlarged and placed around town in the streets so you could stand at a street corner and see what it had looked like there a century ago.  It was so interesting to see the clothes people wore and all the horses pulling hansom cabs and the old shops.  It had a lot of lovely heritage listed buildings with elaborate wrought iron balconies that were very gracious, and rows of old terrace houses that people said were very comfortable, warm in winter and cool in summer with rather nice little courtyard gardens.

The Joan Armatrading concert sounds great, I wish I had seen that!  The Cat Stevens one was rather quaint - I remember wearing clothes like that and the hairdos on the people in the audience were very typical of that era.  I can't complain as the DVD cost me two dollars at the op shop, so that was a cheap concert for me!

I have a new video to watch later that I purchased online - it's dance scenes from lots of Hollywood musicals from the 1930s to today, it has very good reviews so I am sure I will enjoy it!  I did quite a lot of dancing when I was younger and I love watching the choreography and the dancers.  I did a lot of ballroom dancing and we used to go to competitions just to watch - one of the things the dancers used to get upto in the comps was deliberately dancing another couple into a corner of the room so they couldn't dance properly - it's amazing what things people will do to win a competiton!  Back then there were regular evening dances in dance studios around Sydney and my friends and i used to go to these after work - now I wonder how we had the energy!

Kitty is very anxious for some reason - I guess i haven't had him that long yet and I don't think the heat helps.  He likes it when I sing to him, then he comes up closer and lies down near me which is nice.  I'm trying to get him used to taking treats from my hand as I read it's important for the cat to learn my hands are safe.  I don't think my singing is much good anymore, so it's a wonder he stays to listen instead of running away!

It's lovely to chat with you.  We do seem to have several interests in common which is so nice!  I often watch concerts and such on utube - there are so many great things available to watch!  I have a few singing groups I follow regularly.  Do you ever watch/listen to things like this on Utube or elsewhere?  It's so nice to be able to do that when you can't get to a live concert.

I also have The  Concert in Central Park with Neil Simon and Art Garfunkel - I saw them live in Sydney a long time ago!

I hope we haven't hijacked Paws' thread - if Paws is reading, I hope you are OK Paws and do you have a puppy yet? 

Lovely to chat with you tonight ER!

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Hanna, and Paws too!

Yes, Paws, I hope we aren't taking over your thread! I hope you are going ok too and would also love to know if you have a puppy? I saw a gorgeous border collie today, one of the ones that is brown and white rather than black and white.

That's great you did the ballroom dancing Hanna and had that interest. That's incredible that one couple would dance another into the corner so they couldn't dance properly to try and win competitions. I think that's why I wasn't particularly good at competitive sport. I never had the killer instinct to try and beat the opposition. It sounds like there was a really vibrant dance community in Sydney back then.

It's good that kitty will lie down next to you. It does sound like you have had such an endless heat wave so hopefully he will feel more comfortable when it is cooler. I'm sure you are doing a great job with him.

Yes, it's lovely to chat with you too. I remember listening to a broadcast of that Simon and Garfunkel concert in Central Park, not at the original time of the concert but a few years afterwards. I think it was when Paul Simon's Graceland album had come out and they were replaying a lot of Simon and Garfunkel music. I was a kid then and I used to listen avidly to a small pocket radio I owned. It's a radio I got when I was 9 years old and I remember it cost $9. It was like a portal into the amazing world of music. I remember when Graceland came out actually. I was 11 then and I taped his song You Can Call Me Al off the pocket radio onto a cassette. I loved that song so I would listen to it over and over. Yes, I watch and listen to things on YouTube too. Lots of music as well as videos about photography.

Bye for now,

ER xx

[Hanna3]

Hi ER,

Gosh yes I remember when we carried around little portable radios to listen to music!  It seems incredible now.  

It's very hot here, a real late heatwave and the town is very quiet.  I haven't done much, had a coffee out by the sea which was nice and browsed in the library for a bit.  I had a long phone conversation with a friend where i used to live last night, we literally talked for hours.  She has taken in several rescue cats and said they can easily take a year to get fully settled - one of them sounded quite feral when she first got him and she said after ages he became a really good cat.  She has 4 cats at the moment and has had more so she has plenty of experience.  Bruce is settling down well, she said she wouldn't expect much for six months and so far he has done pretty well.  

She is a nurse in charge of a hospital department but is thinking of retiring out early and just enjoying her house and garden.  She said it's terribly hot there as well.  Her father is elderly and having surgery and she is the only child to be caring for him - he's in aged care but she visits him pretty much daily - it's not easy being the only daughter  - and her other siblings don't help at all.  

Where i had coffee this morning the trees had particularly fascinating branches and I was wishing I'd thought to take along my sketch pad - I will another time.  There were midges out biting everyone so maybe today wasn't the best day for that anyway!

Yes there was a big dance scene in Sydney back then - but we didn't have the social media that we have now so people had to go out more to meet other people and dancing was the big thing - we all had lessons at dance schools.  It was all very social but the competitions could be ruthless - and yes, I was never the type to want to do that - as you said, you need to have a killer instinct!  What we used to do was watch the competitions and pick out the ones we could spot doing this sort of thing!

It's a really quiet, hot, lazy afternoon, it feels like very late summer.  I don't feel like doing much, it's one of those days when you just want to laze around - even Bruce is just lying sprawled out on the floor...

This is just a short post today as it really is just a lazy day and I think I sat up until so late last night talking with my friend I'm quite sleepy today as a result!  I have the DVD of the Simon and Garfunkel concert so I might play that later - they weren't getting on well at the time but they still sang together so well....

I always liked Art Garfunkel because of the curly hair!

I'm going to chill in front of the TV and watch that concert - it sounds like a pleasant way to spend the afternoon!  I hope it's cooler where you are!