Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Hanna,

That's wonderful you had that chat for hours with your friend! It is really great to have those conversations. It is good to get her info and experience on looking after rescue cats too. I can relate to the struggle of being a carer for parents. I was the primary carer with mine and it was very hard at times, though I would do it again but with greater knowledge now about getting much more help. Often you are just surviving through those things when they are happening.

It was a nice thing wasn't it how people went out to meet each other in the past before the days of social media. While social media can be a way of making social connections it also seems to have a downside of being isolating in some ways too.

From when I was 18 I remember my friends and I would go out to night clubs and go dancing. Some clubs were nicer to be at than others, but some were great fun. There was one that played kind of alternative music and although we were not goths we liked to go there because it was welcoming while also being non-mainstream, so it was easy to fit in. I remember they played music by The Cure and New Order a lot. So we would be dancing with all these goths in their dark make-up and clothing who were friendly and welcoming to us. I remember being in one of the mainstream night clubs when it was really crowded. I could barely move at all while trying to dance and was kind of squashed between people. This woman was dancing wildly and had a gold handbag that each time she swung her arms dancing kept hitting me in the head. My arms were kind of pinned to my side by so many people around me so it was hard to defend myself against the handbag. It was so loud in there no one would have heard me if I protested. Even at the time I found it quite hilarious 😂 It wasn't hitting me hard enough to really hurt. Another time I went with two friends and one of their mother's who loved to dance out to a club that played Brazilian music. So many from the local Brazilian community were there. It was a really inclusive, fun environment. Different rooms were set up with different music, but all of it was Brazilian music. Of course the Brazilian people themselves were phenomenal dancers! I also thought it was so cool that one of my friend's mothers wanted to come with us. She was the most enthusiastic one there. What a cool Mum!

Yes, I have heard about Simon and Garfunkel not getting on at times. I too like Art Garfunkel's curly here. I love his song Bright Eyes. It's just beautiful! He has a kind of angelic voice.

I hope you've been enjoying chilling in front of the concert. Yes, it is cooler here. I'm very grateful for it. I really hope you get a break from the hot weather soon!

Best wishes,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Hanna,

No you haven't hijacked my thread, I have been reading along. February is never a good month for me, so I haven't felt up to posting. 

Hanna I love that Brucie enjoys your singing. I know with dogs & horses (I assume other mammals as well) they find people using a low pitched singing type voice more trustable, think singing a lullaby or a sing song accent like Welsh. It always worked when we fostered rescue dogs while I was growing up. I'm glad you have a friend who has experience of cats to ask questions of.  I hope for both of you the weather there cools down.

ER I need to say "snap" at you mentioning the song 'Bright Eyes', I've had that song stuck in my head for over a week now & I don't know where I heard it to start this ear worm off. 

Thankfully a cool change came through today after 3 days of extreme heat, the nights were so hot I stayed up until about 5am so I was going to sleep at the coolest time as I don't leave the air con on while I sleep.  I am feeling very old as the local CFA did a welfare check on me with the heat, it was nice of them though. I'm really hoping that was the last of the hot weather.

No puppy yet. At the rate I am getting things done, it will be much later this year before I even start looking.  I am using the time to learn as much as I can about the breed & things like grooming tips, training etc. 

ER I remember learning to process black & white photos one year at primary school, I even still have two that I took of trees in the school yard. I wonder if it would be allowed in schools now as the chemicals used were very toxic. It was magical watching the picture just appear as it went through the chemical baths though. 

Hugs Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Hanna,

Yes, those chemicals are very toxic. That was the one thing I didn’t like about film developing. I went to a feral high school with many out of control kids. I’m surprised they let us in the dark room at all. I did have another student try to flick either the fixer or developer chemical in my face. Fortunately only a tiny bit got on me and no adverse effects. But I didn’t like the smell in there. My friend and I worked out how to make a composite image, starting at the enlarger stage by superimposing two images. Using an image I took of her pretending to dive and an image of a light pole, we managed to make it look like she was diving off the light pole. Today of course such things are done in photoshop and other software.

I’m sorry you’ve been having such a hard time in the heat. I understand wanting to sleep when it’s cooler. I’m really glad you have the cool change today.

 I’m sorry about the ear worm! I get them too and I know how persistent they can be. I wonder if having the radio on a talking program might help. I listen to podcasts a lot and they can help distract my brain by focusing on an interesting topic. I listen while doing the dishes, often to a wildlife photography podcast. I am having much trouble sleeping at present and the one thing that always helps is putting on a podcast. Something about the sound of human voices allows my body to relax into sleep.

When you mentioned the singing in Welsh you reminded me of someone I once knew who raised miniature cattle. He was of Welsh ancestry and he told me he spoke to them in Welsh which the cattle loved. The sound of our voice can really make a difference for animals.

Take care Paws. I hope March is a better month. I hope you have a good day and you too Hanna.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws, I think you have had a bad heatwave in your state from what I've heard.  We haven't had anything like that here thank goodness.

Getting the puppy later in the year will be something to look forward to.  I imagine getting much done around the house would be very difficult in such heat!

Yes animals respond very much to music.  My friend who is a harp teacher played harp at the local vet and all the animals fell asleep - and classical harp music is one of the things they generally recommend for calming down animals.

There are videos on Utube of animals like chimps who move in time with the beat of the music, it's rather lovely to watch.  One young guy plays drums to them and they stomp along with him.

Kitty has some behaviour issues, probably from being lost and then in the shelter so he's a bit of a challenge at the moment!  We'll have to see how we go.

[Hanna3]

Hi ER

What you describe you did re the photos sounds like what this elderly man did at home - he must have used some kind of specialized software to make the lovely photos at home that he set up.  It sounds like a lovely thing to do, and a great interest.

I always find getting to sleep difficult - I play music and read and listen to talks.  It sounds like you went to a challenging school - how much do you think the behaviour of the other kids affected your studies - it can't have been easy for you or the teachers.  People seem to criticize teachers a lot these days but gosh it's a hard job.

When my brother finally retired from teaching he was very glad to see the end of it!  

I used to sing in a Welsh choir and we had Welsh lessons before the choir practice each week, which made sure we were all pretty fluent in the pronunciation as our instructors were Welsh nationals.  It's a beautiful language to sing in.  I had a friend in that choir who travelled around Wales and she said she attended all the local choir practices wherever they stayed as these were free and anyone could sit in and listen - what a lovely thing to do!

I can still sing a few Welsh songs through especially the Welsh national anthem as we sang this at every concert and I have several recordings of Welsh choirs.  I think there's a utube site where they all sing the Welsh national anthem at the Last Night of the Proms and it's truly moving.

I have a book from the library on how too much sitting and bad diet is affecting us - I know it does, but the book looks interesting - and another on teaching reading and writing in schools as I'm still interested in that  and the fashions of how to teach it keep changing.

I still have the neighbours sitting outside smoking endlessly all morning and evening and the smoke wafts through my place and I'm asthmatic... they are overweight and never exercise, it's so bad for them - and for me....

Kitty demands a lot of attention at night - I've been listening to a cat utube channel and they suggest when the cat gets like that to quietly leave the room for some time so kitty gets to understand being demanding of attention isn't the way to get it.  I hope it works tonight!  I was talking with a friend today about how when I learnt horse riding my teacher was a previous Olympic rider and a master horseman - when a horse was being fractious he would get on it and the horse would behave almost instantly and he never seemed to do much - he was calm and confident and the horses picked up immediately that he knew what he was doing and would calm down and behave perfectly within a few moments.  It was positively magical watching that man ride a difficult horse - he had it perfectly controlled and behaving beautifully in no time.  

Anyway I'll try leaving the room if kitty plays up again in the wee small hours tomorrow morning!  

I also had a lovely conversation the other day with a lady who used to run into me and my dog Sam on walks - I haven't come across her since I lost him - she enquired about him and we had quite a long talk as her dog is getting old and she is worried.  She's a lovely lady and it was nice to have someone ask what happened to Sam and how I managed it.  Most people don't like to talk about it - I found it helpful - I always talked to people who had lost their dogs, they need to be able to vent to someone.  I had a young girl ask to pat Sam at an outdoor cafe where I lived before and I realized she was crying as she petted him - turned out she had recently lost her llittle dog - we had a good talk about it and she seemed a bit better for having the talk - I think that's the least I could do was talk to her and let her pet my doggie.  I was glad to be of any help.

I am off to cook some dinner and amuse the cat for a while - have a good evening, all!

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna and Paws,

My high school years were really a kind of chaotic anarchy. But I actually kind of get it. We were in the middle of a housing commission area. There were many kids from very broken homes and messed up environments. Drugs were rife despite the principal trying to pretend the school didn't have a drug problem. It was so horrible for some of the teachers, especially the female ones, that they left. I know two of my English teachers went to teach at private girls schools after that. It taught me very early on how societal institutions can be profoundly dysfunctional and struggle to cope with worsening socioeconomic problems with regard to the students' backgrounds. It was survival of the fittest and I learned to talk tough for a brief time in order to survive. I actually said things to threatening students there that I have never said to anyone before or since, simply to say back off and protect myself. It actually worked. My home environment was volatile so I think I realised I had to get tough with students who like me came from volatile environments, except mine didn't involve drugs. I learned to sound like I meant business when someone attempted to threaten me which I hadn't really been able to do as a younger child at home. We had numerous violent incidents at the school, the police being called etc. The only things I really enjoyed at school were the media studies classes I did where I got to do the photography and music classes. I would say it didn't do me much good in some ways, but in other ways I realise looking back now it made me tougher but also aware of how messed up society can be (while trying to pretend it isn't). I think that gave me compassion and insight. I do feel sorry for teachers today because they often are dealing with stressful behaviours and situations. I have worked as a teacher assistant in primary schools and did enjoy that. My favourite school was actually also the most economically disadvantaged, again with some out of control students. But the principal there was wonderful which can make a profound difference. I felt very dedicated to helping the kids. I worked with special needs kids a lot and the ones there often had things like developmental delay and foetal alcohol syndrome because of intergenerational trauma. I loved those kids and thought the world of them for their courage growing up in the most difficult circumstances. If they can have one person be kind to them and care about them it can make a difference.

That's wonderful you got to sing in the Welsh choir. I have a fair bit of Welsh ancestry. I've heard it can be a hard language to learn. It is great you had the Welsh instructors who could help with pronunciation. I don't know if I will ever get to visit Wales but would like to one day. My ancestors came from Swansea. My great grandmother worked down the coal mines there as many of the women did. It is good they have been able to keep their language going there as local languages are dying out in so many places.

That's hard with the neighbours smoking. My neighbours smoke too but also burn a lot of incense (possibly to drown out the cigarette smoke). I find it wafts in here as well. They are good people with hearts of gold and work hard. But they also smoke and drink a fair bit and I worry about their health. They have pretty relentless smoker's coughs that I hear everyday. It's hard for you being asthmatic. It would be lovely for you to find a place you can be away from that. I imagine as it cools down a bit you want to open up windows, but then you have the smoke to deal with.

That's amazing what you describe about the horseman. I think just being calm and confident makes a profound difference. Animals pick up our energy at such a sensitive level. I've heard that horses are one of the most sensitive of animals. I did a session of equine therapy in 2021 and I could sense how the horses were sensing me. They are big, wise beings.

That's a beautiful story about the girl who started to cry when patting Sam. It is so lovely you gave her that opportunity to talk and also that you got to talk the other day with the woman who inquired about Sam. It can really help to connect with others in relation to losses. People who love animals understand.

I hope things go well with kitty if he is active in the wee hours of the morning again. You have a lovely evening too and Paws too.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER and Paws

We sure have a hot March day here today - it was on the news last night about how warm the oceans are - and I was so looking forward to a crisp Autumn!  Apparently it will cool down tomorrow thank goodness.  

That's really interesting about your school days ER.  I once did a bit of primary school teaching long ago and I was at a school in a housing commission area but I had the very little kids - 6 year olds.  The biggest problem was the fathers out of work who would turn up randomly and take their child out of school for the day.  Thank goodness I didn't get the older kids, they would have eaten me alive.  Good on you for getting through all that. The school I was at was concerned at the number of boys with no men in their families and all women teachers - so the school invited senior boys from the local high school to take the young boys for sport to give them some male role models and this seemed to help.  It all put me off teaching though and it was not a good school. There is an interesting book called Who Gets to be Smart?  I forget the author but it's about how kids from wealthy families get a better education and I remember it was excellent reading.

I had a long phone chat with a retired farmer friend where I used to live - he's 82 and lives alone, retired off the land into town but nobody will befriend him and he's so lonely - and all but one of his siblings have passed on.  I wish people would be a bit friendlier and someone just invite him for a coffee, he's a kind man and shouldn't be so lonely.

My riding teacher was the finest rider I am ever going to see but what i liked is that he had a special horse called Bonnie that nobody else was allowed to ride.  He saw her in a knacker's yard as he drove past and stopped to look at her.  He said she was too fine a horse to be at the knackers and he bought her - she had been ruined through mistreatment and was very fractious.  Well he trained her to be the best horse!  I liked that he cared enough to buy that horse and turn her into a good horse who was never mistreated.  I remember another story about him too - a couple of boys hired two of his horses for an hour and he found them using spurs - and he hated spurs with a vengeance.  They were banned at his property and he told the boys to clear off - I remember he was so angry about it he was shaking, he came up to us saying " They were using SPURS!  On MY HORSES!  He used to say anyone who had to use spurs was not fit to ride a horse.  

My friend where I used to live has several rescue cats and is posting me some cat things she said - so that will be interesting.

I remember travelling through Wales years ago and how beautiful it was, and all the street and town signs being in Welsh, and a young man I talked with you as a child had spoken fluent Welsh but it was banned and he then only spoke English and now could no longer speak in Welsh, what a shame.

My cat here needs another scratch post to work off some energy so I'll get one next week from Ebay.  He's a sweet boy but has been very stressed.  He loves the singing and Paws, I have a soprano voice so not low, but he seems OK with it...

I was discussing the cost of dogs with someone the other day Paws - they have gone ridiculous since covid and there's no guarantee of their health - my friend the dog groomer here is a scientist originally and researched her dog's pedigree carefully and as she says, she still got a dog that was chronically sick - and she loved that dog very much.  It's a worry when you pay thousands and they are chronically sick like that, poor thing.

ER my neighbours smoke all day into the evening and they sit in the same spot all day - she already has swollen legs & they both have chronic coughs and the smoke pours into my place - they never ever go out, I couldn't stand it.  They will regret it so much in a few more years.  

Well I am off, there is a nice breeze starting up here.  I always enjoy chatting here!  Hope you have a good afternoon and evening!

[Paw Prints]

Hi Hanna & ER,

Hanna I saw on one of the foreign news on SBS a story of a man who played the piano to rescued elephants. Apparently the older elephants seemed to prefer slow classical music, but the young elephants preferred a more lively tempo like jazz or rock. It was fascinating the way the elephants swayed in time to the music being played & how they interacted with the man playing. 

ER I also have Welsh ancestors who worked down the mines (in Monmouthshire) & like you that included the women & also the children. It must have been a horrible hard life, so many got miner's lung & found themselves unable to work, relying on family or parish relief which was hard to get as you had to prove you belonged to that parish by birth & were of good character. In the 1800s a number of my ancestors left working in the mines & used their mining skills to get work building the tunnels for the various railways that started across the UK. Though that had the drawback of having to keep moving home as the rail lines were built at least it didn't have the coal dust.

Hannah chronic health issues was one reason I crossed Cocker Spaniels of my possible breed list. Even from reputable breeders there has been too much focus on looks over health in the past & though it seems they are now trying to improve things there is still a long way to go & it is still hit or miss if a dog has a healthy outcome or not. Having breeders who are actively working to keep the Field Spaniel breed healthy & reduce the instance of the few problems they may be prone to is one of the main reasons I settled on that breed. I also like that in concert with best breeding practices the breeders will take back any of their dogs if the need arises or if the dog has health issues.  It's good that more & more breeds are having written into their breed standard that good health is a major criteria that must be met for dogs that are shown. Hopefully one day it will be compulsory for all breeds in all countries.

Much cooler today which is lovely. Apparently things are going to warm up again for the next week or so for all of us in the eastern states before it finally changes to Autumnal weather. 

ER I hope you have missed the flooding that has been hitting southern WA over this week.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Hanna and Paws,

I’m in the city tonight and it’s very warm and I’m not used to it. I realise I’m lucky for the milder weather I’ve been having. Hanna I read about how warm the oceans are today and how it’s affecting coral on the Great Barrier Reef.

I can understand being put off teaching. Yes, the little ones are usually easier. I remember a poor student teacher at the rough high school I went to. It was Year 10. The boys were making giant spit balls out of newspaper (bigger than tennis ball size) and ditching them hard into the wall behind her while she was trying to teach us. She just let them fly by and didn’t know what to do. I wonder if she still became a teacher. In another class we had a relief teacher and students were smoking cigarettes and ripping up the curtains. Those were some of the milder incidents. Another day a student smashed all the windows in the class next door. There were multiple assaults between students where police were called. It was an insane environment.

That’s sad about the young man who lost his Welsh language but was once fluent. Wales does sound lovely to visit. I would like to go to Snowdonia in the north of Wales. I saw a photo of a pretty spot near there called The Fairy Glen. Paws that’s interesting you had the relatives from Wales too who went down the mines. I was told that miners often only saw daylight on Sundays as they worked the other six days, going down the mine when it was dark and coming out when it was dark. Such an extremely hard life. Yes, at least the railway work your ancestors did was a break from the coal dust. I sometimes reflect how we are descendants of incredibly tough survivors. I know several of my great grandmother’s children did not survive childhood.

Paws, I have not been affected by any of the flooding. I’m glad the people were rescued who were in the news. After arriving here in the city I went for a walk near sunset. There is a park nearby and light was shining through the leaves of trees. It was very pretty. A lot of people were out walking or jogging, some with their dogs.

That’s good you are doing the dog research Paws. I just looked up Field Spaniels and they look gorgeous. I’m staying in a place at the moment with a couple of miniature dachshunds - cute little characters. It’s not very late here but I’m very tired so will head off to bed. It’s lovely to chat with you both.

Hugs and good night,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws,

My grandfather was a coal miner down the south coast of this state and I remember as a little girl, him taking me to show me the mines and they still had the pit ponies grazing outside, although the mining there had stopped by then.  The mine absolutely horrified me.  He got paid a pittance after returning from WW1.  His and my grandmother's house there was a simple weatherboard with an outdoor dunny and they used cut up newspaper for loo paper.  So I can imagine things in the UK for sure. I watched a documentary recently on the miners' strike in the UK and honestly all my sympathies were with the miners, not Margaret Thatcher!

Where I was living in the west, French bulldogs were the rage and I thought it was horrible to breed those dogs with such breathing problems.  When I checked both the cocker spaniels and the Cavaliers had health issues, the Cavaliers again it was breathing problems.  So I decided not to touch either.  A small cross breed like Sam would do me fine - as you say, it's a gamble no matter how careful you try to be!