Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Doolhof]

Hi Paws,

Hope you keep safe, parts of the country certainly are dry, fires are devastating. 

I'm sorry about the person who made the offhanded comment. I know there are times I want to say something I hope will be comforting, but words just don't come, not appropriate words anyway. 

Do you have your day planned for when you receive Sam's ashes? I hope you will have time for quiet reflection/tears/connection or what ever it is you need to do for the day.

My husband took our cat to be put to sleep at the vet while I was at work. He sent me a text message and also told me he wanted her cremated but did not want the ashes. The next day he changed his mind. He vent to the vet and thankfully our cat was still there. I was left a message then stating I had to pick the cat up that afternoon  after a distressing psychologist appointment and before I was due to go out somewhere else. 

Even while I was holding our dear deceased cat the receptionist at the vet was asking if I wanted to go in and look at a cat they had to be adopted! Definitely bad timing on her part!

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna, Dools,

Hanna I think you are wise to have nothing to do with someone who would make such a comment, what a horrible thing to say.

Dools I'm gobsmacked that the vet receptionist thought that was appropriate at such a time, I would have thought that someone who works at a vet practice would know better.

I really don't understand people who are so blind to another's grief.

Hugs to you both

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Gobsmacked! Gobsmacked! How insensitive (to say the least) some people can be.

Hanna, if  that ex-friend phones you on your mobile, you can block their number, like any scammer you might also block. Then you may not hear from them at least until you get a new phone - & even then, you could make them a contact, then immediately block their number again.

I've sorted out one fellow that way. Maybe he has tried to phone me since I blocked him, but I never know! I don't want to know either.

Hugzies to you all.

mmMekitty

[Doolhof]

Hi Paws and all,

Sometimes I think people are tuned out to other people's grief for many reason. It could be they just don't care or have little understanding of compassion and can't read people's feelings.

I worked in Aged Care, grieving for the residents did not seem to be encouraged. There was a notebook we could write condolence messages in, then it was back to work. Due to economics, the rooms are vacated, fixed up and the next person moves in.

Maybe it was similar for the lady at the vet. They must see death and suffering their on a regular basis. Maybe they just get used to it as a normal part of life and forget other people are grieving. I felt it was insensitive, to her it was obviously an opportunity to promote a cat that needed a home.

Words can be so healing or hurtful!

I think you asked previously Paws if I had a chair near our cat's resting place under the gum tree, no I don't but I do sit on the ground there and have a chat to her now and then.

[Ggrand]

Hello everyone,

I am so sorry to have just heard about Sam…That is so very sad and my heart goes out to you dear Hanna…the comment made by your ex friend was extremely rude and insensitive..

I don’t understand how people can be so cruel to other people by making those comments….When Ebony was hurt and needed an operation to fix her knee, one lady at work told me not to *waste* my money getting her fixed and to let them put her asleep…because after all she is just a pet….She has 2 dogs and told me no way would she pay that amount of money to get them treatment if they needed it….How sad I felt for her dogs…

I hope everyone is doing okay…..

I am deeply sorry for everyone’s losses….

Hugs,

Grandy

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy, Dools, Paws, mmMekitty and all,

Sorry I came on here late and then I have had computer glitches and unable to log on...

I actually think the lady who made that comment to me is getting some dementia - she has had fights with two other friends and they think she is getting some early dementia.... although she always was rather bossy and could be unpleasant...  No I'm not keeping in touch with her - she doesn't care for her own dog and almost never walks the poor thing.

I don't have plans for getting Sam's ashes back, it will not be pleasant but it's the last thing I can do for him and would like them back here...I was talking to a new neighbour here, a pleasant man about our age group who has a small dog - he said he only lasted six months after his previous dog  passed and couldn't stand the silent house any longer and got the current dog.. we had quite a long chat, he understood completely how I feel.  Dogs are so expensive now after covid and I would prefer a rescue...

Not sure if I will stay here - I have a couple of friends back where i was who keep phoning which is nice and say they would like me back - I didn't plan on losing Sam after moving here...so I am considering a transfer... I have a friend in the mountains near there who is very spiritual and she thinks our dogs can become our spirit guides, I like that idea...   

One of my friends back where I was living (near where Grandy is), is a tough old former farmer - he has such a soft spot for his working dog... I think there is always one dog that is special...He phones and says I was the only one to be friendly to him when he first retired into the town... which is nice.. I don't know yet, will wait a while yet and see how I feel, this is not the best time for major decisions and anyway it will take a while.

Was chatting to Rosemary my old neighbour back there - she said the house was all done up after I moved out (just my luck!!!) and that one couple stayed there one night and she never saw them again.  I said I think they discovered that night how cold they were and decided to get the heck out!  We had a laugh about that.  Anyway it's months later now and she said the house is still empty.  She wonders if due to new regulations coming in about insulation, if Housing are unable to rent it out.  Her little dog Molly is still well and missing Sam she said.  She was so sorry about Sam. 

So lots of decisions ahead and meantime I so hate the silent house - I need something to fill the dog hole!  I asked friends who had lost dogs what they did about the silence and they all said they had the radio or tv going constantly.  

How are you going Paws?  

Hugs from here oxoxo

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy, Dools, mmMekitty, Hanna,

I hate having a dogless house, it might be staying cleaner longer, but I would much prefer the doggy mess than this emptiness. The quiet isn't troubling me, it is the lack of his presence that I find hard. Hanna may I say please don't think about moving again just yet, it is way too soon after losing Sam for you to make a clearly thought out decision. Remember all your memories of the other place are coloured by all the things you did there with Sam.

I've done nothing useful this week, I've just drifted. I didn't do very much last week either, but that was due to hurting my hand, I have no excuse for this week. I need to push myself more & try to at least start something each day, even if I only do it for 5 minutes it is better than nothing at all. I mustn't let my low mood rule how I get by each day, though just curling up on the couch is ok for a short time, giving me a chance to process things & adjust to the new now,  I can't let it become my 'default' mind set. Yes I am giving myself a stern talking too as I type this.

Ok so my first thing is to open the box with my new vac & set it up.

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and mmMekitty, Dools, Grandy, everyone

Yes if you get the new vacuum set up that is one task completed and it's ready for you to use Paws.  I am trying to keep to a similar timetable to what I did with Sam - we went to an outdoor cafe in the morning and I do that, but I am dogless.. but i am chatting to people which is a help.  We always went for a walk about late afternoon so I do that myself - today I went to the dog park and the people there had wondered where Sam and I were and were very understanding talking with me about Sam and their own experiences of losing their dogs.  Finding a small dog as a rescue is difficult now since covid but a couple of people there said they will put feelers out for me - also my friends in and west of the mountains... I don't like living without something else alive in the house with me...

I chatted to Rosemary again today and told her about Sam.  She said they have finally got someone in my house - an elderly lady who uses a walking stick.  This is a house with no insulation (so either freezing or baking hot) and steep stairs at the front and back - and a huge quarter acre yard that has to be mowed.  Go figure how the people at Housing can put an elderly single lady who needs a walking stick in that!

I find going out during the day in much the same times as I did with Sam does help - it reduces the amount of time I am home without him.  We have a new neighbour who seems a nice man with a small dog - he said after his last doggie died he managed 6 months living alone and he absolutely hated it and got this little dog.  

I also looked on reddit - you can do that just on Google - and read the comments of people who had lost their dogs and we all have the same problems - empty silent house, missing the routine and company, guilt feelings...

I am on a couple of online forums and chatting to people online does help as well...

Grandy I hope your arms/shoulders are improving?  It's a great idea that you are helping with the welfare side of Vinnies, you will be so understanding.  

Hugs to all.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna, mmMekitty, Grandy, Dools, wave to everyone,

Well it is 5 weeks today since I lost my beautiful Woofa. Just typing that sentence has set the tears flowing yet again, but thankfully I've reached a point where the tears soon pass as I focus on the silly things he used to do that made me chuckle. Especially when he was being naughty, knew it & tried the puppy eyes to get out of trouble. I have finally put his food & water bowls away & this week I will bundle up his coats & other things (that are in good nick) & send them off to rescue. 

My sisters are adamant that I mustn't get another Dane & I do agree with their reasoning, given my age & health, they don't want the risk that I might pop off & leave them with a Dane no one in the family is willing to give a home too. I have been online looking at what is available through rescue groups & it seems 98% aren't suitable for me & my lifestyle. So I am now thinking of getting a puppy or older dog through a breeder (I'm sticking to the agreed size restraints as set by my sisters), I've sort of settled on either an Irish Setter (had one growing up) or going a bit smaller a Field Spaniel. It will be next year before I'm anywhere ready to get another dog so that will give me time to check out all the breeders & to wait for one of them to have a litter. Of course being me I may yet change my mind & get something else sooner. 

I hope everyone in NSW & Qld are keeping safe with all those fires, it is far to early in the season, most people would only be starting their preparations for the summer fire season in October. The local farmers here are still getting their silage in, thankfully it is still mostly cool here.

Hugs

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and everyone

I think a smaller dog like a spaniel is a good idea for the sake of the dog if anything should happen to you (we hope not!)  

I collected Sam's ashes today - it was all beautifully done by the vet practice as they gave the box to me with a card from the vet and a note with the ashes too... They don't give me any comfort - happy memories of him and his photos do that - but having his ashes with me for the time being was the last thing I could do for him.  I will decide in time what I will do - maybe  scatter some at places he loved = or eventually be somewhere we I can plant a tree.  Meantime he is back with me.  

I read a lot of the experiences on reddit - you can just type in your question into Google and put reddit at the end of it and all the people's discussions come up.  A number of people request the dog's ashes be buried with them..  People miss their dogs so much just reading the comments.  It's heartening to read how loved the pets are.

There is smoke all around here it must be coming down from Queensland - I know people in towns that are near the affected areas and it's a worry... reminds me of that terrible summer when I first moved inland.. I hope everyone here is OK - mmMekitty you must be hearing a lot about it...

Sad here as my neighbour's mother passed away yesterday, it was expected but it's still a huge loss for her.  

Grandy I hope you are keeping OK there dear lady.. Also Dools, I hope things are improving for you.

best wishes to all oxox