Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

The list is an excellent idea. I was feeling so overwhelmed the other day I called Lifeline and the lovely woman I spoke with also suggested a list. If I can see something each day that I’ve done I will feel like there is movement and bit by bit I’ll be getting there.

It’s hard with feeling so unwell but I am noticing small improvements. This morning is the first in weeks I haven’t woken wracked with pain. My body has had to adjust to a big drop in serotonin as both the hormone meds and antidepressant had boosted serotonin and they are now removed. My pain was worse later today but I just walked slowly and sat down in a place by the ocean over about 3 hours and by the end it had started alleviating. Being outdoors in nature definitely helps. I had chicken and sweet potato for dinner again and that seems to help as well. My gut microbiome is all messed up but slowly trying to heal it which I know will have benefits for my whole body.

I’ve got the TV on at the moment and it’s a 4 Corners Program on toll roads and the very high fines people are getting for unpaid toll fees. We don’t have them here in WA and I’m very glad. I understand they were originally developed to pay for roads the government couldn’t cover the cost of, but it seems like once paid for that the tolling should end. It just seems so hard for vulnerable people to receive such huge fines.

The coastal area I visited today is showing signs of recovery, just as the woodland area across the road is. Certain wildflowers are appearing now that usually start in August, so the patterns are different this year. Nature is doing its best to come back. It’s very encouraging.

I hope you are going ok Paws and may have had some good rain. It’s still relatively early here but I’m going to try going to bed and see if I sleep as I am at least feeling a bit sleepy.

Sleep well and have a lovely day tomorrow 😴☺️

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass I'm sad that you felt so low, but very pleased you reached out to lifeline.  Getting a kind person on a help line can make such a difference.  If you do make a list make sure you include small things to kick off with a sense of accomplishment & to break larger tasks into smaller parts so they are not overwhelming.  

I'm still writing in my journal & documenting even everyday small things like having breakfast or taking my meds.  On one hand it is hard to see that even when I do get out of bed, often I do little else but move from my bed to the couch & spend my time doing mindless repetitive things like play solitaire.  On the other it gives me such a lift to be able to write about actually doing something on my "to do" list.  My steps forward are so small, but they are steps forward, which is what matters.  For example tomorrow is bin day & today I have gone through my wardrobe & bagged up all the shoes I no longer wear & thrown them in the bin.  It is a small step in my attempt to declutter, (decluttering being one item on my "to do" list) but a step none the less.  

Being in constant pain is exhausting.  It must have been so nice to wake & find it gone for once.  Having any time without pain is a bonus & hopefully it will become more common for you.

It was 26 degrees at 9am this morning.  Thankfully just after 10am it started to cloud over & the temperature dropped markedly.  Since noon there has been a very light, misty drizzle.  I saw the weekly rain forecast last night & my area looks like it will miss out on any rain forecast for the state.

It is a hopeful sign that the wildflowers finally making an appearance.  It must be such a delight whenever you get out in nature now to see signs of recovery.  I must admit I don't know, but does your part of WA usually get summer storms?  Summer rains would be such a boon to the recovery you are seeing.

If Woofa was still here I'm sure he would send you a feel better snuffle.  I will send you gentle hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you , yes, those are good ideas with a list - to start with small things and break the bigger tasks down into smaller parts. I expect it won't be as awfully overwhelming as it feels when I actually start getting through things.

I think writing in your journal sounds like a really good way of reflecting on things. I did a lot of journal writing from about the age of 27-35. I know it was very helpful to me at the time. I think finding those ways to give yourself a lift is great and being able to make those things real and clear by writing about them. I used to play solitaire as a teenager. My dad used to do it and so I just started to as well. I'm sure he did it because it was kind of calming and settling and I know that I found it to be those things. It's actually quite meditative. So I think there is a logic to it and it is a therapeutic activity.

I relate very much to the decluttering. I know I will feel better the more I declutter, yet it's easy to get caught in the overwhelm of dealing with it. I still have a lot of my parents things and I find it very emotional to go through them, yet it has to be done. I was telling my psychologist how hard I am finding it to start going through certain boxes. She even offered that one of our sessions could be me going through a box with her there to support me. That was so incredibly kind and maybe I might do that.

Tomorrow is bin day for me too. This prompted me to do some weeding at the front to go in the green bin. The female magpie that specialises in mimicking the boobook owl flew down and joined me, pecking about on the grass. I felt touched that she came down. While out there I got to chat to one of my neighbours. I was telling him how much I miss my elderly friend who has gone to a nursing home now. He knows her too and we agreed she is a lovely person. It really helped just to share that with someone. I plan to go and visit her soon. She is now in a town about one and a half hours from here. I might even stay in the town overnight as I find driving hard at the moment. I could also then spend some time doing photography in that town too.

The histamine intolerance symptoms are definitely improving. I've had only very minimal symptoms today which is a huge improvement. I do have some troublesome pains but not during last night though. I slept for 6 hours then lay awake listening to the birds twittering with the dawn. I got hit by another sleep wave at 9:30am and then slept soundly until 12:30pm. So just gently following my body and what it needs and this seems to be working.

In WA I mainly remember storms sometimes happening more towards the end of summer. Summer's here, at least in Perth and the south-west, are very dry (as opposed to up north where it's the wet season). But I do remember storms happening in Perth around February and March. If I go back to Perth I will have to brace for the heat. It's so much hotter than here in the summer. That was quite warm for you this morning at 26 so early.

I would love to have a Woofa feel better snuffle. While weeding this afternoon another neighbour's dog came up and gave me cuddles and licks and I gave him pats. He is a roly poly staffy cross with a lovely nature.

Sending you gentle hugs too,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

How lovely you got cuddles & licks from your neighbours dog, I do miss those.  It is special having the magpie join you, especially as you haven't habituated it to humans by feeding it.  I've never had a bird come close when I've been outside, unless I was sitting on my verandah & staying perfectly still for ages & even then if I so much as twitched they would fly off.  Some time past I did have a lark inside my house, which when I opened a window & tried to shoo it out stepped up onto my hand & stayed there as I carried it through the house & out the front door.  I would love to be able to be outside & have a bird trust me enough to go about it's life & not be bothered by me being nearby.

It is good you are following what your body tells you it needs, especially the sleep.  I'm so pleased for you that you felt a noticeable improvement today &  I truly hope you have more & more days like today or actually even better than today.  Staying overnight sounds wise when you go to visit your old neighbour, even if on the day you feel up to driving home.  The last thing you want to do is over exert yourself & find it sets you back health wise.

I do understand how going through the boxes of things can bring up a range of emotions.  It can also be hard to let go of things.  The house I lived in before here was the house I was born in.  It had my parents things & things left there by my brother who died some years before I moved here.  Despite my other siblings taking some things when my parents passed, there was still a lot of things that held memories, good & bad.  It was hard, but I did manage to let go of a lot.  However I still have a lot that is filling the cupboards in the spare room & about my house.  Part of my attempts at decluttering is not simply to get rid of my things that I don't use, but the other things from the past that I don't need as well.  One such thing is my brother's acoustic guitar, I don't have a musical bone in my body & despite his best attempts to teach me I can't play it.  I've held onto it for over 15 years.  It is time to let it go, even though the thought of doing so brings me to tears.  I do like the idea of having your psychologist supporting you as you go through a box you feel you may struggle with.  Not only will it help you make a start because you have a set time with someone else, but hopefully it will help you to be able to continue on with the other boxes.  

I need to go into big town tomorrow to go to the chemist.  I meant to go today but didn't have the oomph to go. 

I'm going to hit the pillow soon so I can go early before it gets busy.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I think the magpie may have come down because when I’m weeding I dislodge insects as I’m pulling out weeds. Certainly this happens with Willie Wagtails who jump up and catch the small insects. I got to know this particular female magpie shortly after I first arrived here. I quickly became aware of her because of her boobook owl mimicking behaviour. I have little chats with her as well as the male who does a wide variety of mimic sounds, whereas she specialises in the boobook owl.

That’s lovely the lark hopped onto your hand and you could carry it outside. Once when I was housesitting and looking after a pet rabbit, the door was open to let the rabbit in and out. A dove got in and stayed up on a high window sill. I had to use a ladder to get up there. I managed to pick the dove up and carry it outside.

Yesterday I went for a walk and did some photography at a coastal location. I could hear the emu wrens in the coastal heath and briefly saw one. Last year I had one land on my elbow when I was lying down on a bench by the river. I think it thought I was a bit of branch. The splendid fairywrens were active yesterday too with the males being feisty, just like you described with your fairywrens.

I slept for 7 and a half hours last night, the longest sleep in a while. My body is very sore. The removal of the meds has allowed the underlying fibromyalgia pain I’ve had since 13 to really surface. Taking out the hormone meds has also brought nightmares back, but they aren’t as bad. Before the hormone meds severely awful things would happen but all nightmares disappeared once on them. They were neuroprotective. Now the bad thing is about to happen but I’m able to take action in the dream and can begin to do something about it. I was telling my psychologist this and how it’s like something is healing in my psyche. She said other clients have described their dreams changing in this way. So despite the downsides of coming off meds, I think my body is meant to be experiencing things in the raw right now. I’m allowing myself to fully feel which is actually central to the healing. I can feel this physically and emotionally. I’m thinking of getting back to ocean swimming which I feel may really help to reset my body. I’m not confident in the water like I used to be, but just immersing myself in it I feel will shift things.

I understand very well the difficulty in letting go of things like your brother’s guitar. I think the separation part is the worst, but what I’ve found with particular things of my parents I’ve given away so far, is the worst pain is in the anticipation and moment of letting go. But once gone it’s like it’s more ok again. I’m trying to tell myself this in relation to the things I still have. I moved in to live with my mum in the last 11 months of her life, which was also the house I’d grown up in and where she had been for 45 years. So I ended up with a lot of stuff like you. My brother had no interest in it, but I wanted to at least go through things like books and dad’s vast slide collection. I have bits of projects they started too that were close to their hearts and I can’t bring myself to throw these things out yet which feels like throwing away their dreams. It’s a process and I’ll just see how I go.

I hope you have a good trip to the big town today. It looks like it will be a nice day here and I’m about to hang out washing shortly. May you have a lovely day.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I've never had a bird come close while I was gardening, they only ever come after the insects when I've gone inside.  How magical you had an Emu Wren land on you.  I love your thought that it mistook you for a branch.  This week the birds here have pretty much been missing in action, I don't know if it is the high winds or if I'm just not watching at the right times.

Being able to take action in your nightmares is a huge thing to happen.  As is your willingness to let yourself experience emotions & work through them.  You derive so much benefit from being in nature I could see getting back in the ocean being good for you.  Even if to begin with it is just relaxing in the shallows & absorbing all the sensations, smells & sounds you experience.  

I've found over the years that I find it easier to let go of things that hold memories if I only do a few things at a time, rather than overwhelming myself by trying to make decisions on everything all at once.  Of course some things are easier than others, so I started with them & gave myself permission to come back to the rest.  I try to do a declutter at least once a year & the amount of things I am holding onto though still far too much in my opinion, is but a tiny portion of what I started with.  You are right about it being the thinking of letting go that is the harder part.  I've not regretted letting go anything so far.  I've also not had any second thoughts about the few things I've decided to keep.

I spent most of today in bed & didn't get up until early evening.  I have to make myself go into big town tomorrow as I am out of some of my meds & I know what happens when I stop taking them.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I hope you feel able to go to big town tomorrow. I wonder, is there ever anyone such as family who can pick up the meds for you? One thing I’ve done when I had Covid and was infectious and too ill to go into the pharmacy to get my prescriptions was ring and ask if they could be delivered. They already had my scripts and I was able to pay over the phone. The very kind pharmacist dropped them at my door at the end of his work day. But I’m actually in a town whereas I don’t know how far big town is from you. Take it easy anyway if you do drive in. Maybe plan a treat for yourself such as coffee and cake at a cafe which might give you the energy to get there. I understand how difficult it can be sometimes doing these things.

I found hanging out my washing quite a challenge this morning because my body is so sore. It took me ages. Then about an hour later the lawnmower man turned up on a Thursday when he normally is here on a Tuesday. I couldn’t help feeling a tad grumpy that I had to take the washing off the line again so it didn’t get covered in grass clippings and grit. I don’t think the lawnmower man could grasp that it’s hard work for me. But the soreness has eased off quite a bit this evening.

What I think also helped was despite being quite uncomfortable I went down to an ocean spot to practise photographing birds in flight late this afternoon. It’s a spot which involves going down a semi-hidden pathway among shrubbery that comes out to a rocky shoreline. It’s a fly way for birds, especially terns, gulls and cormorants but also sometimes ospreys and gannets. I watched a pacific gull dive down onto rocks out in the water and got a photo of it flying after it had picked something up. Zooming in I could see it was a sort of crab, but not a type I’d seen here before. I haven’t put it on my computer yet but will be interesting to see in more detail. I find focusing on photography really helps as a distraction from pain. And I feel like the pain I’m experiencing is part of a healing process. I really feel I am healing.

I too find letting go of things gradually easier than putting pressure on myself to get rid of everything quickly. I don’t have the energy or capacity to move quickly on anything. I’m finding fully accepting that really helpful and freeing. I actually think that I will become more able to do things as I relinquish trying to think about the totality of everything.

Take care Paws and I hope you wake tomorrow feeling better. Sending you hugs and support 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh how annoying having to take your washing off the line after all the effort to get it hung out.  I think I would be more than just "a tad" grumpy.   I hope you gave yourself a treat after.   

I made it in to big town this morning, I prefer to go early before things start to get busy.  It is roughly a 55 minute drive each way so there is no chance of having my meds dropped off & I don't have anyone close enough to pick them up for me.  I usually only go into big town when I need meds which is once a month & if I'm feeling up to it I try to grab some things from Woolies, get petrol & run any errands.  Often like today the chemist is my only stop.  

I do wish you could share your photos on here.  Your descriptions of the variety of things you photograph sound so beguiling.  As a non photographer I will ask what is probably a dumb question.  How do you take a photo of something in flight (like the Pacific Gull) without it just being a blur?

I do get a sense, from what you say, that you are beginning the healing journey.  Learning to listen to our bodies & discovering ways to work with our health limitations & hopefully lessen them is something I think we both can benefit from.  

I hope you have another fine day to get out & about

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’m really glad you were able to get to big town. It’s not easy being on your own at times. I sometimes wish there was someone there to help with some things when I’m really not well. But I think you also learn to work with your own body and find ways through as I’m sure you have many times.

That is not a dumb question at all about photography. The reason it’s possible for me is I have a 150-600mm telephoto lens suited to birds in flight, action sports etc. That image was shot at 1/2500 of a second. To get that shutter speed I had to increase my ISO setting (light sensitivity) and have the widest possible aperture for the focal length (opening the lens as much as possible to let more light onto the camera’s sensor). I also choose autofocus settings that can track the bird. It’s actually not hard to learn those settings and then the final thing is down to co-ordination which is just practice. It’s a challenge and I seem to enjoy challenges where I get to persevere until I get the results I’m after. I have a lot of patience and so yesterday I was just sitting on a low rock near the water’s edge for a couple of hours. It was very good for the soul whether I got any good bird photos or not. It was lovely listening to the ocean lapping the shore. I got an almost good enough photo of a Caspian Tern but not quite sharp enough. I’m really keen to get a good one of them. They are large terns with a bright red beak.

I hope you’ve been having a restful day. It’s quite overcast and cool here. I’m about to curl up under a blanket on the couch as I can feel that’s what my body needs right now. I agree, it’s very much listening to our bodies and working within our limitations. I have stopped trying to override mine and I can feel that’s allowing some healing. Whereas before I would push myself when my body was screaming no. But I’m finding I’m working organically with my body now and it serves me better as I serve it better. I’m giving it a chance to renew and recalibrate itself. I’m just finishing a cup of rooibos tea and then will be horizontal.

Have a lovely rest of your day/evening.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thank you for explaining so clearly how you photograph birds in flight.  Another question if I may?  Do you use a tripod or balance your camera on something, or can you hold the camera in you hands & still get a good shot?

I slept through much of today.  Ever since I got up that smell you get before rain has just been getting stronger.  The sky to the north of me has been black the whole time, so I think I'm getting the smell from the rain that is passing me by.  It did me curious as to what causes that smell,  so I googled it & discovered that smell actually has a name... petrichor... & is a combination of ozone & the oils & scents released by the plants & soil as the humidity increases.  I do like the smells you get with rain, be it before, during, or after.  

I forgot to mention that yesterday, on the drive to big town & just a couple of kms from my place, I saw a herd of 4 deer (I think just 4 can still be called a herd) coming out of one of the nature reserves that make up wildlife corridors around here.  As you know I saw my first deer here just a little while ago & now another four.  I'm wondering if the drought is making them find new areas.

Speaking of the drought, there will be a drought assistance meeting in my little village next week to provide advice to the local farmers about what services & support there is to help them, be it government or charity.  They do need assistance, even I can see damage being done to their livelihoods & farms, it goes without saying there must be a lot more than just what I see alone.

I think our trying to override our bodies & push on is something that society pushes at us as being the "right thing" to do.  So much of the messaging we hear or that has become like an unwritten law, constantly tells us we must be doing or engaged with something every waking minute.  The ad that tells sick people to "soldier on" springs to mind as a blatant example.  Resting, taking time out from doing things, or simply listening to our bodies seem to be a beneficial practices lost to so many people.  

I hope your restful day went well.

Hugs

Paws