Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

The long exposure photos were of the moonlight shining on the coast - dunes, rocks and water. They came out almost like daylight with the moonlight. It is amazing what the camera can see, including the green of vegetation which I could not see with the naked eye in the relative dark when I was there. There were two grass trees near me growing out of the granite. They are called balgas here. They felt like two wise elders over my shoulder in the atmospheric night. They are only just still alive as the plants took such a hit in the drought. Some of the grass trees in less exposed spots have thrown up their flower spikes making them good places to see birds at the moment as they land to feed on them. I did get some stars in my photos last night which come out as short bands in the 30 second exposures. If you have the shutter open a really long time you get full on star trails that become circles. I also got a streaming effect with the movements of the clouds.

I do know what you mean about the way people on The Dog House often expected the dog to interact straight away. That frustrated me too. It's like they made it more about them than the dog. So often if you give a dog time and space they will come to you, and if they don't it's not personal, yet people on the show seemed to often take it personally. I also agree that a few visits is often a good idea rather than deciding on a dog from a single visit. I do wonder if that is what actually occurs but it is presented with a certain narrative that is thought to be entertaining for TV. One thing I liked is how they often looked at both the dog's needs and human's needs together. So, for example, a person may have had a trauma, loss, serious illness or disability. The dog's story would also be told as far as was known, such as the kind of background and experiences it had been through including any losses, traumas or past injuries. And then you'd get a sense of maybe how the two beings, dog and human, might connect and be a support for one another. I did find some of those accounts very moving where there was a real connection and a good outcome for dog and human.

I hope you sleep well Paws. I actually slept for most of today. Take care and I hope tomorrow is a lovely day.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope your long sleep was recharging & didn't leave you foggy headed as oversleeping can do.  How are you doing food wise?  I hope you have managed to keep everything down today & so feel a bit better for it.  

Your photos sound lovely.  It is amazing what the camera can see, that we can't, it always make me think of what animals with night vision can see that we miss.  Grass trees by moonlight would be a wonderful sight, I've always wanted one for my garden, but I don't think they would survive the winters here.  There is something about them that I find so timeless.

Today it got up to the low 20s, but with the humidity it was so oppressive all day.  There has just been a band of thunderstorms roll through, but it hasn't really helped.  The next few days are meant to be the same unfortunately.

I'm hoping to be organised enough to take part in the Great Bird Count which runs from yesterday for a week.  It is very simple, you just take notes of what type of bird & how many of each that you see in a 20 minute session, then enter the figures on line.  It is a citizen science project that has been running for over 10 years now & the data is used by many different science projects.  I just have to remember to pick a time when I know the birds will be there, right now with the thunderstorms there aren't many to see.  I must admit I am a fan of citizen science projects like this as it is without pressure to do & yet gives a sense of being useful & contributing.  For me it is a way of volunteering that I can cope with.

I hope you managed some outdoor time today & perhaps photographed the wildflowers you spotted a few days ago.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

The sleep was good and I can tell my body is doing a lot of repair work at the moment. Today has been the best day so far for reduced histamine symptoms and I have kept all food down. I am learning to completely let go and follow intuitively wherever my body is taking me. I did sleep right through lunch yesterday which meant I woke with low blood sugar. It was similar this morning after sleeping late which did lead to some migraine symptoms. But I got on top of them and was able to go out and walk this afternoon and photograph wildflowers. I wanted to make the most of the beautiful sunny afternoon as there is quite a bit of rain forecast tomorrow. I am very grateful for the rain though as the bushland definitely still needs it.

Good on you for participating in the Great Bird Count! I will look into it myself as it is most definitely something I can contribute to as well. I am always noticing the different birds. I think I may have mentioned it before but particular magpies here are mimics. I heard one today transitioning between the call of a boobook owl and the call of a grey butcherbird. They are so accurate that the only thing that gives them away is when they transition back into a regular magpie call. When I used to live in a granny flat in the city my landlords in the front house used to be woken up by a magpie that had learned to mimic their alarm clock accurately!

It does sound oppressive where you are with the weather over the coming days. I always find humidity harder to deal with than dry heat. I know sometimes the dew point can be high too which can also create discomfort. I hope you might get some breezes come through that clear the air. Hopefully focussing on birds might help to distract from the humidity.

Take care and sleep well.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

My sister rang yesterday to let me know that my sisters ashes will be interred at the cemetery tomorrow.  I did tell her I wouldn't be going, especially with the forecast weather I didn't want to be on the roads, but then I guilt tripped myself all evening that I should go & ended in tears. Having completely stressed out I woke this morning to a shocker of a tension headache.  The headache has gone now, but I'm still feeling guilty even though I know not going is the right choice & that it is ok to put me first over the families expectations.  

On a happier note, my niece (brothers daughter) messaged me with a photo of the stuffed toy Loch Ness Monster I got her nearly 40 years ago.  She has kept it all this time & has now passed it down to her daughter.  Call me silly, but I was touched she has kept it all these years & that it matters enough for her to pass it on. 

I'm so pleased you managed to get out & photograph the wildflowers.  Being out in nature must have felt good, I will keep my fingers crossed you get some soaking rain there.  Thankfully the worst of the storms have missed here so far(touch wood).  Between bands of rain the light is very strange & has an almost yellow/green tint to it & it is eerily still.  Like where you are we really need the rain, so I hope we do get some decent falls, rather than the brief rain bands that whiz past in a matter of 15-20 minutes, of which there have only been about 4 so far today.  I've just thought to charge my phone now in case the power goes out.

Now that I'm trying to count the birds, they are all in hiding with the bad weather.  For all of today I have only seen 3 birds in total & they were just passing through.  I do find it fascinating that the magpies near you are such good mimics.  I've never known any magpies that have been able to do that.  Not even the magpies where I used to live that were very people friendly & would perch within touching distance & warble in the hope of being fed (which my neighbour did do).  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I'm just seeing your message now as it didn't show up in my notifications as it usually does. I'm so sorry you have had those feelings of guilt and ended up with the awful tension headache. But I really think you did the right thing. Listening to what your needs are first is so important. I too am learning to let go of other people's expectations, but I know it isn't easy and we can feel like we are doing something terribly wrong when in fact we are doing exactly what is right for us. You were with your sister when she most needed you and I was so moved with how you supported her when you went to visit her in those final weeks. That kindness will have meant everything to her and you absolutely don't need to feel guilty about anything. Go gently and well done for listening in to yourself and what is right for you.

How gorgeous about the Loch Ness Monster. I bet it is a delightful stuffed toy. Almost 30 years ago now (my goodness) I went to a friend's wedding in Canada. My favourite thing that I brought back was a stuffed toy of their version of the Loch Ness Monster, the Ogopogo, who lives in Okanagan Lake. My stuffed toy is green and yellow with a little red tongue that sticks out 😂 I'm quite attached to it (despite my age) and have just put it on my desk as I type this. She is a friendly little dragon. I'm sure your Loch Ness Monster is a delight for your niece's daughter 💖

I do hope you get the rain you need. If a rain system moves through there may be a lot of bird activity afterwards. I have noticed birds quite often coming out joyously following rain, flitting from plant to plant. I haven't got to counting birds but I would like to. I better check the date when it ends. While in the city I only knew of one magpie mimic (the alarm clock one). But here, my goodness, it is really a thing. One of the males is into all sorts of imitations including dogs barking and wolf whistles. I wondered if someone actually taught him the wolf whistle. They mimic the twenty eight parrots, boobook owls, willie wagtails and grey butcherbirds with incredibly accuracy. I have wondered if it is because it is so quiet here and they can hear really well. Certainly on moonlit nights they are very vocal at a time when the boobook owls are also vocal. I have been hearing the two together at night. I can tell the real boobooks from their ongoing call and answer pattern with each other. Whereas the mimicking magpies will just do the call for a bit before reverting to magpie sounds and also only seem to make the boobook call in the daytime.

I went to my favourite place by the ocean late yesterday afternoon. I saw an osprey catch a fish and fly up to its favourite perch on limestone ledge to eat it. There is such a wild energy in that place and it always helps me.

I hope you are having a lovely day and that the headache has eased now and you are feeling better.

Sending comforting hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thank you for the comforting hug.  Well I'm much calmer today about not going to the cemetery & I've not been beating myself up over it today.  Even if I had felt up to going, the weather driving warnings would have kept me home anyway.  

I love that you have the toy Ogopogo still.  I remember watching a doco, many years ago, about the place water had in the beliefs of ancient peoples around the world & they talked about the Ogopogo & it's place in the local first nation peoples beliefs.  The toy Nessie is green with a red tongue & wearing a tartan Tam-O-Shanter.

I think it is fascinating that your local magpies are such mimics.  I wonder why they started, given it isn't something all magpies do, unlike say lyrebirds?  It is quiet here yet the magpies don't mimic the other birds.

Strong winds all day, but the decent rain has gone all around me & missed here.  Places just 50km away had falls of over 30mm, yet here I've had less than 5mm as it has only been drizzly.  

Oh you are so lucky living near such a wild place where you can see ospreys & all the other creatures you have there.  Did you have your camera with you to get a photo of the osprey?  

How are you feeling lass?  Are you still stable with keeping food down & having some energy?  I hope you managed to be out in nature again today.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I'm glad you have been feeling calmer. I also think it is very sensible with the weather warnings to not be out on the road. I've been reading various things about more extreme weather in Victoria and NSW including more tornado activity. I hope you are ok where you are still. It would be good to have more rain but without other destructive weather.

Your toy Nessie sounds like she looks a lot like my Ogopogo. Yes, it is so interesting these legends and where they come from. Some have suggested an ancient aquatic dinosaur such as a Plesiosaurus may have once lived in such lakes and maybe existed longer than previously thought and overlapped with early humans, thus forming a knowledge of such creatures that has been passed down. You wonder about all the legends about dragons too.

I did have my camera when I saw the osprey but not really the right lens. It was a medium telephoto instead of my longer range telephoto. So I did take some pics but they are a bit distant. Two birds of prey frequent that area, ospreys and nankeen kestrels. I saw a nankeen kestrel too who I accidentally disturbed as I went along the path. Another time I was on my favourite rocky hill there, communing with the energy of the place, when I found a nankeen kestrel was sitting nearby on a rock. It is a place of incredible, wild energy and is always healing for my soul.

I am mostly keeping food down now though still extremely limited in what I can eat. I still have to clear my throat constantly most of the day and it does get exhausting. I found going for a long walk today eventually helped somewhat with the feeling of throat constriction. It's definitely testing me and I'm concerned about a possible leak in the wall now behind tiles in the kitchen that could be creating a mould issue. Mould is a big problem with mast cell activation syndrome of which histamine intolerance is a feature. It may not have affected me in the past but I might be extra sensitive to it now. It's concerning and the tiles are problematic to remove. A former tiler told me that being from the 70s there is likely asbestos in the glue holding them which is a hazard if removed. Sigh! It does feel like this is not meant to be my home.

As my hormones continue to fall I am also experiencing worsening episodes of depression but just working my way through it. When in it, it feels highly distressing but then an hour later I can improve and have perspective again. I don't think there is anything else I can do at the moment and the main antidepressants are a problem with histamine. It actually feels like I am meant to be going through some kind of deep cleanse and rebalancing, so trying to just stay present with what my body needs. I'm eating incredibly simple food. Tonight was chicken, kale and quinoa - bland but healthy.

I know what will make me feel better tonight - the Ogopogo! I'll let her sleep in the bed with me. Did you ever let Woofa sleep in your bed? I know there is controversy on the topic of whether animals should sleep in beds. I ended up with fluffy cat with me on a number of nights. She kind of tried to sit on my head sometimes 😂

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It is so good to hear you are keeping food down.  Even if it is bland & boring it will help your overall health getting the nutrients you need, which has to be better for you.  The episodes of depression must be taking a bit out of you lass.  But the fact they are episodes & not a continuous 24 hour a day may be a good sign, as it may be indicative that it is the actual changing of hormone level that is the cause, rather than a lower level.  That could mean when you reach a plateau the depression may go away.  A possibility to hold onto & remind yourself of when the depression does kick in.

I had not heard of asbestos in grout before.  One solution which my sil did when she had issues is to cut the plasterboard around the tiled area & take it all out as one piece still attached to the plasterboard.  It isn't hard to cut a new piece of plasterboard to replace what was removed.  Given you need to get behind the plasterboard anyway to get to the leak it might be an option for you.

When I lived in town Woofa wasn't allowed in my bedroom as I tried to limit the dog hair getting on my work clothes.  Moving here changed that & he had a dog bed by both the window in the lounge & the window in my room.  That meant he also had access to my bed during the day & slept on it at night beside me.  I do miss that, even if he could be a bed hog & had a habit of pinching the covers to make a nest.  I don't understand the controversy over animals sleeping on their human's bed.  The animal chooses to sleep on the human bed, it is not a forced thing, plus dogs especially are pack animals & co sleeping is part of their nature.  If it is a hygiene thing, well studies have shown that country kids who spend most of their time around animals & outside playing in the dirt, have far fewer allergies & illnesses than city kids as their immune system is exposed to more things. 

I'm thinking if it is cold, having Fluffy Cat as a bed night cap might be a good thing 😄   

I have always had a fascination about the mythical creatures that cross cultures & land masses.  The theory that early humans encountered creatures that gave rise to these legends does make sense when you consider  how many different peoples have similar creatures in their legends/beliefs.  I think many people forget that the conditions for fossils to be preserved are few & far between & a lot of what has come before is now completely lost to us.  I like that modern science is taking more notice of the stories of ancient peoples, including first nations people around the world, as it is shown many of their tales are based on real events.  The most recent volcanic activity in Victoria ten thousand years ago is one such thing.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’ve just woken from a long sleep of about 5 hours this afternoon and did the same on Friday. In both cases it was when I managed a substantial lunch which I think settles my blood sugar. Then I find I cannot sit up at all and must sleep. I then tend to be awake most of the night which may happen again tonight. The hard thing is some meals I cannot eat much at all and that’s when it’s hard to sleep. It’s very topsy turvy at the moment. I do hope that when finally in menopause, which seems such a drawn out process 😩, that the depression part may stabilise.

Ah, cutting the whole thing out as a block in the kitchen sounds like a potential solution. What I discovered is a minuscule hole that looks to have been cut in one of the tiles. This is the spot where a pool of water will intermittently appear on my kitchen bench. It seems they knew about the issue and this was a stop gap measure or a test or something, maybe 🤔 It does seem to be associated more with rain which feels more positive to me than a leaking pipe, as it may be a case of just sealing something from above.

That’s lovely you had Woofa sleeping with you. I imagine being a Great Dane he could be quite the bed hog 😂 It’s so true that they are pack animals and that is natural for them to sleep close. The last two dogs I lived with used to sleep sort of on top of one another. I have some funny photos. And, yes, fluffy cat helped me sleep peacefully for sure 🥰

I have realised I’m a pack animal and being alone for extended periods is really taking its toll on me. I definitely like my own space but also fundamentally need meaningful human contact. In the city when I was feeling really low I would feel transformed after spending time with my friend and her baby. It’s like my nervous system began to calm down and know peace. I lacked a safe sense of family as a child when life was often very tense and on edge. I’m longing now for a safe family feeling. My friend has been nudging me by sending me real estate ads for places near her. I would love to be nearer them and see her little girl grow up. I feel purposeful too, like an aunty, and I can support my friend. The huge challenge is sorting everything here and the mountain to climb in order to move, which feels overwhelming. I have to break things down into small chunks and take one step at a time.

Yes, learning from First Nations people can teach us a lot. Here in Australia people and the megafauna co-existed for a time. There’s a cave in the southwest here that dates human activity to 48,000 years ago. Interestingly the Thylacine and Tassie Devil existed in the past here too. When I was 17 we drove through that volcanic part of Victoria in the Warrnambool region. I remember visiting an extinct volcano. Indigenous stories are really important as much knowledge is held there that is otherwise lost.

Well now I must prepare my next meal. Night is just falling here. Have a lovely evening Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I understand the sleeping during the day & then being awake at night.  I think it is good to listen to your body even if it doesn't follow the regular day/night cycle.  It will take time for your system to adjust to you keeping food down & the changes to your medications.  Please don't stress about things being a bit topsy turvy for now.

Loneliness is recognised as having a detrimental affect on people.  Most humans are pack animals & need regular, meaningful contact with others.  I think it is lovely your friend wants you to live near her & that you want to be an honoury aunty to her little girl.  

I wonder if perhaps you might find it helpful to list everything that you believe needs to be done before you move & then breaking it down into manageable bites that you could tick of so you see progress.  Having the list would also enable you to see what items are "must do" & what you might decide aren't important or really necessary.  It also takes away the feeling that moving is something lost in the "never never" & makes it an achievable goal that you can look forward to.  

Hugs

Paws