Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and Grandy, ER, everyone here

Paws I didn't know a thing about teapots until I bought my first ever one at an Op shop in the town inland.  They have a huge Op Shop there that specializes in kitchen and dinnerware type things and it's just fabulous to browe through because the things they have date back well into last century.  It's becoming a drawcard for tourists into the town - some of the dinnerware there was very costly and they had the old laundry ringers, old sewing machines, and assorted ancient teapots of course!  I bought one because it looked pretty but it didn't pour properly and the tea got cold - after that I looked out for the well-used Brown Betty type ones.  They're very comforting to put your hands around on a cold morning too!  

Paws the only Great Dane I met was back in the west and he seemed like such a calm, sweet dog - but I can understand your relatives being anxious about caring for it if anything should happen to you.  Is there any other breed of dog that you really like that would be a bit smaller?  I keep looking at people out walking their dogs, partly because I'm envious of them now - and partly to look at what dods they're walking - but it's more older folk here with little dogs.  

I've often thought what stamina it must take for perfomers to go out on stage for hours in front of a huge audience and sing and dance.  It's hot under all those lights as well.  I haven't seen the Freddie Mercury one you mentioned I wonder if that was the London concert.  My singing teacher years ago had been a professional opera singer and she told me about the long days rehearsing and then many hours of not speaking before going onstage as speaking damages your voice - then the performance, dinner afterwards late at night, and  then sleep and go through it all again the next day.  

Which reminds me the other day I sat down on a bench outside the local supermarket to take a break after shopping and ran into a lovely elderly lady sitting there who it turned out had also trained at singing and even grew up in my neighbourhood.  We had a great time reminiscing but she went on to fully train as an opera singer and when she was 18 went into a singing competition and was actually up against Joan Sutherland (who was then also very young).  Well this lady actually beat Dame Joan in the competition and won!  We had a great time talking about singing and I told her I will forever be able now to tell people I have met someone who actually sang better than Dame Joan Sutherland - even if it was only once, when they were very young.  How fantastic. 

i wish now I had taken her phone number, we could have caught up for a coffee.

People are so interesting - outside the supermarket another day I met a woman who had been a British Military Nurse and travelled the world, she was full of stories of her nurse training and the places she had been.  

I think people just see an elderly lady or man sitting on a bench and assume they are borind - in fact they are full of stories and fascinating life experiences.  I sometimes wish I could record the things they tell me.

We have sunshine here now but threatening dark skies - I'll come by again later on and hope everyone is having a pleasant morning.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws, Hanna and Grandy,

Paws, that’s lovely you have been seeing the Scarlet Robin. There is a walk I like to do by a river in a nearby town. One area along that river is frequented by Scarlet Robins. I love seeing their flash of red. They are like a bright surprise in the bush landscape. The fairy wrens are such little characters aren’t they. They visit my garden too. Shortly after moving here I’d tipped some used ground coffee into the garden. Later that afternoon I saw two male fairy wrens in the craziest rough and tumble game I’ve seen. They are always hyperactive but they were even more so than usual in what seemed to be a zany play fight. I suddenly wondered and worried that they’d consumed some of the coffee grounds I’d tipped out and were massively over-caffeinated. I’m not sure their little bodies could handle much caffeine!

I have to admit, I know very little about the proper care of teapots. I too would have cleaned one without understanding anything about a well-seasoned teapot. I do admire teapots which are delightful objects. I have a blue pottery one that I am fond of but have been on the lazy side using teabags for a long time. I really should be making tea in the teapot!

I very much agree that there are days that staying in bed is necessary self-care. Sometimes our system just goes down. I have noticed in nature that stressed animals do the same. My mother told me how she saw a magpie being bullied by a group of other magpies. She shooed the group away. But the tormented magpie just sat there for ages with eyes closed and beak tucked in feathers. Eventually a couple of hours later he or she became animated again and flew away. It is really natural to curl up in a ball. It’s self-protective and sometimes exactly what we need. I’m still in my pyjamas today and about to go for another lie down. It took it out of me driving back from the city yesterday and I’m having one of those vulnerable days where I need to be still and quiet.

We had some thunder and much needed drenching rain earlier. Then the sun came out again. Wishing you all a nurturing, gentle day.

Big hugs 🤗

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws, ER, Grandy and all - Paws I had another thought after writing my last post - is there some way you could either foster Great Danes (so relieving you of worries about who could mind them if you could no longer for some reason) or else organize with a Great Dane organization if there is one, for someone to take the dog on in the event you could no longer yourself?  

These may be useless ideas but I just started to wonder, as several people here seem to foster dogs through a local rescue organization.  

I'm going to have a quiet night, I seem to have been tired all day today - it's been very hot and fierce sun and now we have a sudden burst of wind and it feels stormy.  I can't get used to such heat at this time of year, I'm sure this time last year it was much colder.  

ER, long drives wear me out too.  The bird life where you are sounds delightful, blue wrens are gorgeous creatures.  We mostly seem to get pink cockatoos and rainbow lorikeets here and not much else, but they are still lovely. 

I seem to be tired out today so i'm planning on a very quiet day tomorrow and I hope it's cooler!  Kitty seems out of sorts too and I honestly think it's the weather constantly going from hot to cold in the same day.  

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna, ER & Grandy,

Hanna I think it would be lovely if schools invited older/elderly people in to the schools to talk to children & put a lived experience of how things used to be & how you don't have to be famous to have an interesting life.  It could be curated to suit the age of the kids & even be interactive with such things like having kids try to guess what an object was used for or find to things online.  It would also give them a broader idea of what occupations are our there, that aren't run of the mill or don't require tertiary education.

ER I think the fairy wrens were fairly safe from your coffee grounds as they are insect eaters, but then again if the insect landed on the grounds just before being eaten 🤔🤔.   Now you have me wondering if they make their own caffeine internally from what they eat as they are such frenetic little birds.

I can find it hard sometimes to know when allowing myself to be still & quiet is good self-care or my depression overwhelming me.  

IPaws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws, Hanna and Grandy,

Paws, I think I understand what you mean about being still and quiet compared with the overwhelm of depression. The former is more a conscious choice to find some peace while the latter is not really an option but what our body just does when depressed and overwhelmed.

I feel like I experienced something of this difference today. The last couple of days I've had really strong, overwhelming grief. It has really impacted me physiologically. Yesterday I was unable to do much at all and stayed at home in my pyjamas all day. This morning I woke feeling awful. I took my blood pressure as I hadn't checked it in ages and it was high. I tested it in the afternoon and it was still high and I had been going into tears all day with grief constantly triggered by memories. I realised my being inactive in the past couple of days was like a mix of grief and depression.

But late this afternoon I made a nice cup of tea and just sat by the screen door looking at the birds in the garden and the lovely light on the trees. I had planned to drink my tea while doing tasks on the computer but decided I needed to just be still and quiet and really enjoy my cup of tea rather than multitask. I then went for a walk in the woodland across the road and I noticed the golden light coming through the trees, the dampness on the ground from yesterday's rain and how it had created patterns from rivulets on the walking path and all the different birds that were calling. I came back and sat down and rested on the couch. I tested my blood pressure again and it was close to normal.

Sorry for the long story, but I think what I'm trying to say is the depression is like a feeling of paralysis and being stuck and there is no option but to lie down and curl up in a ball. In my case there was obviously stress that was physiologically present that was showing in my blood pressure. I'd kind of let the grief bubble up that was surfacing throughout the day, but somehow with the conscious decisions from late afternoon with the cup of tea and walk, I managed to re-regulate my blood pressure and autonomic nervous system to at least some degree. I was able to shift from immobilisation to gentle mobilisation. To do that I had to slow down including my thoughts and just allow stillness. I also walked slowly and mindfully in the woodland. What I learned was I could shift my bodily patterns to some degree and that has helped the grief and depression.

Sometimes I think we need to let depression take its course and lie down for as long as we need. But there can be inklings of energy and when they come about we can sometimes use that bit of energy just to do the simplest things such as make a cup of tea and go for a walk. Sometimes that is enough to begin to shift things out of the overwhelm state and life beyond depression becomes a bit more possible. I feel like it is a state of fluctuation that we can go through that is part of a healing process. It is ok to fall backwards into depression and just to be gentle and kind with ourselves, and it is ok to begin to consciously find stillness when we feel able too.

That was a long post, sorry! Your thoughts just made me reflect Paws and I thought I would just share my process today in case it helps.

Hanna, it is incredible you are still getting the really warm weather. I understand it being very confusing and tiring for you and kitty. I really hope it cools soon and becomes more stable.

Big hugs to everyone 🤗

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and ER and all here

Excuse this being short but I seem to be coming down with a virus of some sort and have been feeling wonky all day - I guess it's the season for viruses and colds to be circulating.  

I don't usually suffer from depression but I do get depressed at times and you really do need to be gentle with yourself at times like that - if curling up with a mug of tea is what you need, and some quiet time or music playing, so be it.  A little pampering might be just what is needed.

I was watching a documentary about the youth gangs in Maroubra years ago and I was struck at the risks the young guys took out surfing - huge waves breaking close to rocks - they really challenged each other and it reminded me very much of the Winton book.

I have the car greenslip to pay this week which always hurts!  On top of all the other usual outgoings... sigh.

I am amused by a neighbour's little miniature poodle - she has noticed my kitty at the window and now goes out of her way to go up to the window and taunt my poor cat - you can see she's enjoying it!  At first poor kitty has been terrified and fled into another room, but he seems to be slowly realizing she can't actually reach him through the glass - so now he actually sits with his face close to the glass seemingly egging her on, and she's getting frustrated because she can't get to him and he isn't running away in fright anymore.  So they have a regular face-off at the window now - we think they are hurling insults at each other somehow, or egging each other to dare try to reach me!  It's becoming a regular event each morning and afternoon.  I'm also surprized at how close to the screen door the birds come each day - within inches as kitty is sitting there looking at them longingly, poised to strike - and the birds seem oblivious about how close to danger they are!

I enjoyed a wonderful video yesterday about Elmer Bernstein recording West Side Story with Kiri de Kanewa and Jose Carreras - it sounded wonderful but even these two opera greats had difficulty with the singing, Bernstein was so particular.  

I'm sorry if you are out of sorts and I hope everyone feels better over the next day or so - and I am hoping this rotten virus doesn't get too much worse...

Sending best wishes to all for a pleasant evening.

Oh and Paws, I agree with you, having older folk talk with kids at school would be a great idea - there is so much ageism around these days and it would be good for the children and the older people.  I remember reading about an aged care facility in Denmark that has a child minding centre on site and the older folk living at the centre get the opportunity to mix with the children there- what a fabulous idea.  Scandinavia always seems to be ahead with things like that.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Hanna, Paws, Grandy and All,

I hope you are doing ok Hanna and you don’t develop a virus, or if it is one it isn’t bad and goes quickly. Take it easy and rest well. It is delightful hearing about kitty and the miniature poodle 🥰

As I type this on my phone I’m lying on to couch and watching lightning forking its way across the sky. A storm has been passing over but not super close, so the thunder has that kind of comforting rumble rather than being scary and loud. As the Aurora activity has been very strong from a solar storm I went down to the ocean in the very early hours of this morning. I got to see it and got a few photos. It was apparently more amazing the night before and I’ve seen some stunning photos others took from then. I only stayed out so long as I got too tired, so I don’t know if it got brighter later. It’s still active tonight but there is full cloud cover here at the moment. I’m getting up the energy to go and put the oven on and hoping the power stays on as it sometimes goes out during storms. I’m doing a simple dinner of baked satay chicken kebabs and sweet potato. Right now the usual possum is galumphing over my roof which always happens at dusk.

I hope you all had a restful day. Take good care and sleep well 😴🤗

[Hanna3]

Hi ER and all here

Thanks for the kind thoughts ER - I seem to have some sort of bug, yesterday I suddenly felt so tired I had to go to bed for a while... now i'm trying to work out if I have the energy to do my grocery shop, the weather is turning hot again all week - up to around 30 each day and it's tiring.

I love a good thunderstorm - I enjoy watching them roll in and the clouds and sky change - as long as I'm snug and safe indoors that is.  Where I lived before we had some massive storms in the winter weather and I used to sit inside all safe and warm and I really enjoyed watching the wind and rain beat on the windows outside!

I've found two things to amuse kitty because he keeps getting bored. Cat games on Utube are fantastic for keeping him occupied and I also bought a laser pen and he can chase the red dot for ages.  Hooray!

I hope to come back later on - I'm going to sit for a while and see if I am up to doing at least a bit of a shop this morning.

[Hanna3]

Hi ER and Paws and all

Just a brief post I must have caught a virus of some kind and I keep feeling very dizzy and tired.  I had to do my grocery shop and at the checkouts suddenly felt I was going to black out and told the staff member standing there - a young woman - as I was half way through scanning my purchases.  She was a lovely little thing and made sure I was OK sitting down and scanned and packed the rest of my items for me, so after I got home I rang the store manager and told her how helpful and pleasant the young lass had been and the store manager said she would get a small box of chocolates for the girl, so that was nice.  I think people complain a lot but don't often compliment the staff...

So I'm just having a quiet evening.  ER the Aurealis (? spelling?) must have been gorgeous where you are - I don't know if we could see it much here but the skies were cloudy last night anyway.  I'd love to see your photographs of it!

Paws I hope you are OK there.  I was looking at little Sam-type dogs for sale in this area and where I used to live - they are a third of the price where I used to live, I think because it's a less wealthy area and there are more dogs available than here.  There are lots of wealthy retirees here and they can afford rather costly dogs.

Some of the houses here are very glamorous - huge two storey houses with multiple garages for cars and boats and they often have swimming pools even though they are opposite the beach.  Unfortunately we also have lots of people living in the bush or in makeshift tent cities - it's really disgraceful in this country to see this happening.

I am off to have a very quick easy dinner and have an early night I think - hope I feel better tomorrow!  ER are you able to put any of your photos up on this site?  I'm not sure if we are able to do that other than on our profile pics...

It's an easy fish n chips for me tonight I'm afraid... it's been so hot and sunny here but now it's evening the wind has picked up and it's definitely chilly now.  

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna, Paws and All,

I’m glad you got home ok. It’s so lovely the shop assistant was helpful and also that you were kind enough to let the store know. It’s so true that people often make complaints but may not necessarily do the opposite and make that effort to give compliments and positive feedback. I really hope you start to feel better. I know some viruses can cause dizziness so it could be something like that.

When I saw the Aurora it was faint to the naked eye, a sort of faint glow. But through my camera it became much more obvious and was bright pink and green. The camera can pick up things the eyes do not. I was taking long exposures to get enough light into the camera. Other people were out to look at it too with their picnic chairs, drinks and snacks. It was a sense of a community of people coming together for an event in the very early hours. I slept for at least 9 hours last night and again for about an hour just now, so it could still be catching up with me or a medication change I made last night.

I hope you find another little doggy like Sam. I know you miss him very much just as I know you miss Woofa, Paws. I love seeing dogs when I am out and about. I did see a lovely puppy I felt drawn to on a dog rescue site the other day, but he was adopted by the following day. I’m still watching some Rocky Kanaka videos. It always feels helpful to me personally because I still have some trauma in my own nervous system and seeing the doggies begin to relax and feel safe is so therapeutic for me too.

I cannnot put photos up here. I imagine they wouldn’t allow it as people may post a range of things that could raise confidentiality issues or need to be moderated. I could put one of the photos in my profile pic but it would just be a little smudge of pink and green. I adore your photo of little Sam in your profile pic.

I really hope you do feel much better tomorrow and that you and all reading have a peaceful evening.

Hugs,

ER