Share your stories on forging your own path.

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about expectation, choice, conventional and non-conventional paths. I was hesitant to put up this thread but here it goes...

My personal thought is that even in this day and age, there's often an implicit expectation that everyone gets married, has kids and has a full-time 9-5 job. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married, having kids or a 9-5 job. That's not what I'm talking about here.

The point that I'm trying to make is what suits one may not do another. And I think we can sometimes do a major disservice- even with the best intentions and even if it's accidental- to each other when we pressure others to follow a certain path.

It's not always explicit pressure, it's often implied e.g. with comments like "when you get married" where the assumption is you will get married. Never mind that maybe some people don't want to get married, don't believe in marriage or can't get married in Australia in the case of the LBGTI community. I would suggest saying "if you get married" instead.

I feel that my point isn't about getting married or not getting married; I feel my point is about how everyone has their own path to follow and that we shouldn't make assumptions about other people. I know it might seem petty that I'm commenting on "if" versus "should" but the difference between those 2 words holds immense power in my opinion.

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest...I really want to hear from the round pegs in a square hole.

Please share your stories about the road less travelled- the obstacles, pressures as well as triumphs you had to overcome to pursue your path

Dottie xxx

I feel as though I could learn something from you guys. And I feel others could too.

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Again, thank you for your insight and stories.

Sara, thanks for your response and input. Always appreciated 😄

Hmmm...good question...I can only express my own opinion but I feel Croix raised some pretty timeless parent-child issues. Granted, maybe the ties that bind have loosened a bit these days but I think that the same issues still exist between many parents and their children. Or that's my 2 cents anyway.

I obviously can't speak for everyone in my age group as I realise there are always exceptions etc, etc. But I think there is a strong desire for novel experiences where travel makes up a huge component of it. Amongst my friends, it's quite common to want to work or live overseas. Gap years are pretty common too.

A lot of my friends want to do interesting and personally meaningful work, and aren't only motivated by salaries or wages.

In terms of marriage, most want to get married but there is a growing number who don't want to get married. I have a friend who said she doesn't see the point in marriage and she's quite happy to continue in her current de facto relationship with her current boyfriend. I also have a friend who has said he is open to being a stay-at-home dad. On that topic, I have friends who want kids and I have friends who don't want kids.

So I guess in some ways, some traditions are continuing but also new ones are being formed. Bear in mind, I'm only giving examples based on my own circle of friends. I can't pretend to speak for a whole generation haha.

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Sara, oops, sorry I don't think that I really addressed your question. Again, I can't speak for a whole generation (my little disclaimer) but based on my own friends, I would say there is value placed on broadening cultural experiences, seeking personal challenge, being "authentic", finding meaning and recognising an evolving definition of family. I think family is increasingly less restricted to blood relatives these days. Granted, blood is still the dominant family "model" but there's a growing recognition that family isn't always about blood. Once again, I would like to remind you of my disclaimer that this is only based on my own friends so I can't speak for everyone of course.

CMF, wow, that is a tough one. There is a lot to consider so no wonder you feel so torn. Although- if you don't mind me saying- I kind of noticed that reasons 5 to 7 all had the common thread of being fearful/concerned about what other people might think. It is hard to go against the grain or feel as though others are judging us...

I obviously have no answers but my 2 cents is maybe put more weight on reasons 1 to 4. I mean, in terms of reasons 5 to 7, I feel as though judgemental people will always find a way to judge you either way so you may as well do as you please. I feel we can never "win" with the naysayers so maybe focus more on 1-4 (?)

In saying that, I realise it's much easier said than done. And let's be honest, as much as we want to be unaffected by what others think, it's hard not to be hurt or fear hurt from others' judgement.

Dottie x

[Elizabeth CP]

My experience is the opposite of what most have expressed. I was brought up by parents who in many ways were very traditional- Stay at home mum, strong moral values etc. but there was a sense of adventure about them. Holidays were spent exploring the country. initially sleeping in the car as we couldn't afford a tent!!! Even when confined to a wheelchair mm still loved to go out in my brothers boat or try different things. As a child I remember listening to my parents reminisce about things they did when younger. When old enough I went out of my way to try out those same things not because it was expected but because it sounded fun. My parents encouraged & supported us while trying to achieve our goals whether academic, career or just for fun & they celebrated when we succeeded & helped us when things went wrong. My goals were very much my own goals not my parents. As a parent I tried to follow my parents example by helping my children explore different options so they could make their own choices. Today my children are all adults with careers which they chose & are happy with. They are all quite adventurous & enjoy travelling, skiing & will try most adventurous activities when able. They are not afraid to work hard to get what they want. One of the things I really like is seeing my sons following their father & grandfathers example of being very hands on with their children & treating their wives with love & respect.

I share this because it shows how as parents we can have such a huge impact on our children particularly when we encourage rather than dictate. It is up to all of us to learn from our parents- Follow the good examples & make sure you avoid following the things you recognise as being unhelpful, damaging but also don't be afraid to be yourself. .

[Guest_322]

Hi Elizabeth CP,

Thank you so much for chiming in and offering a fresh perspective.

I'm glad you had such a supportive upbringing. Your parents sound as though they always had your back, and were there to celebrate as well as cry with you.

I think it's wonderful that you've tried hard to support your own children and encouraged them to be their own person. I particularly like your comment about encouraging rather than dictating. I think it's when parents try to dictate is when problems start arising. World of difference between encouragement and dictation.

Thanks again,

Dottie x

[Elizabeth CP]

I always cringe when i meet people who follow a career 'or do a course because they feel it is éxpected' not only are they unhappy but their chance of success is so slim because they don't have the passion to put in what is required. I watch my children & see them put in the hard work to succeed in what they are doing whether careerwise or fixing their house or garden or whatever because they want to achieve whatever they are doing.

[Guest_322]

Hi Elizabeth CP,

I'm happy that your children are doing so well. Clearly, you created a very supportive environment for them to ultimately make their own choices as adults. Much credit to you as their parent. They sound like they take pride in and are fully committed to whatever decisions they make. It also sounds like you have a good relationship with them.

Dottie x