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Guest_322
Community Member

Hi everyone,

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about expectation, choice, conventional and non-conventional paths. I was hesitant to put up this thread but here it goes...

My personal thought is that even in this day and age, there's often an implicit expectation that everyone gets married, has kids and has a full-time 9-5 job. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married, having kids or a 9-5 job. That's not what I'm talking about here.

The point that I'm trying to make is what suits one may not do another. And I think we can sometimes do a major disservice- even with the best intentions and even if it's accidental- to each other when we pressure others to follow a certain path.

It's not always explicit pressure, it's often implied e.g. with comments like "when you get married" where the assumption is you will get married. Never mind that maybe some people don't want to get married, don't believe in marriage or can't get married in Australia in the case of the LBGTI community. I would suggest saying "if you get married" instead.

I feel that my point isn't about getting married or not getting married; I feel my point is about how everyone has their own path to follow and that we shouldn't make assumptions about other people. I know it might seem petty that I'm commenting on "if" versus "should" but the difference between those 2 words holds immense power in my opinion.

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest...I really want to hear from the round pegs in a square hole.

Please share your stories about the road less travelled- the obstacles, pressures as well as triumphs you had to overcome to pursue your path

Dottie xxx

I feel as though I could learn something from you guys. And I feel others could too.

35 Replies 35

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Dottie,

Absolutely no pressure whatsoever - I notice you haven't said much about your own journey, though it's clear it's something that's been bothering you for a while.

If you don't mind me asking - what about you? I get the feeling you're struggling with expectations and conventions as well and making ground but perhaps not as much as you'd like?

James

Guest_322
Community Member

James, seeing as you mentioned stereotypes, I wanted to add that I think stereotypes are dangerous. The sad part is people being stereotyped shouldn't have to work to "break them", I feel it's the people making those stereotypes who need to actually get to know individuals and not lump them into a monolithic entity. Granted, that's an ideal world and our world is hardly ideal (sighs).

Dottie x

Anyway, thanks again for your post. Always appreciated.

Guest_322
Community Member

Hi James,

Thanks for asking. I don't mind explaining my process a bit.

For me, it's more trying to figure out what I want. Quercus' question really hit home.

A lot of people in my immediate and extended family are utterly miserable because they made choices where their rationale was "well, that's just what you do."And it scares the living daylights out of me that I could end up like them. Making choices to conform rather than a genuine commitment to a decision.

Where I'm currently at is mentally assessing and reassessing to figure out what I want and don't want. In short, still figuring it out...

Dottie x

Could I get in on the 'What do I want?' issue please?

Of all the questions I've confronted myself with over the yrs, asking what I wanted was by far the hardest.

When we're kids, wanting stuff seemed our birthright, but as we got older, we started to grasp we had to earn or work for those things.

In my last job, I had a manager who was quick to turn the tables on staff. When we had an idea, he'd pass it straight back to us for research, resources/budget and creating an action plan. Then we'd have to take it to him for consideration. This was a lot of work, so as time passed, nobody offered up ideas anymore.

What I got from this, was 'ideas are great if I'm willing to put the time/effort in, otherwise, accept and improve what already exists'.

Kids ask for lemonade, but have water on tap in front of them. They want cupcakes with swirls of salted caramel from the store, while mum has home made Anzac cookies in the pantry.

We want to get married, but it has to be in a Vera Wang gown and white stallions pulling the 4 black carriages with the 20+ wedding party; the cost of which could be a deposit on a new home.

We want peace, but won't put aside 1 hr to take a drive to a lake with a peanut butter sandwich and feed the ducks the crusts.

Our pantries are full of processed garbage, while fresh fruit and veggies rot in the fridge crisper.

My sister wanted to be a millionaire; after discussion she realized what she really wanted, was financial security.

Have we lost sight of what hard work and commitment can achieve? Why aren't the basics enough anymore? The 'Easy Life' seems to be wrapped up in consumerism and keeping up with the Jones's.

Many of the older generation will be quick to comprehend the gravity of this issue, while young'ns don't understand - when they're told to put a jumper on because it's cold, a brand name is just as handy as one knitted by their Nan.

Am I the only one who wants the simple life back? Because the 'Easy Life' isn't so bloody easy after-all.

Sara x

Hi Sara,

Thank you for your post but I feel extremely confused by it at the same time.

I feel as though you have possibly misinterpreted my last post. I wasn't talking about "want" in terms of material things or anything like that.

I was talking more about my own personal beliefs and values. I meant what I want and don't want in the context of living a life in accordance with my own values and beliefs. I wasn't taking about material things.

when they're told to put a jumper on because it's cold, a brand name is just as handy as one knitted by their Nan.

Maybe this is the case and maybe it isn't but I feel that is a sweeping generalisation of the younger generations. Sure, some will turn their noses up at it but others won't. I mean, I don't feel you can really put all young people into the "category" anymore than older people should be put in another "category."

Dottie x

Sara,

I'm genuinely puzzled by your last post. I thought the underlying topics of this thread was choice versus expectation (and not in terms of material goods) so I'm really not sure where you're coming from and hope you can elaborate.

Thanks,

Dottie x

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I'd like to share my story.

My parents were European and i was brought up a catholic. The way it worked was that you went to school, worked, got married, bought a house, travelled(maybe)and had kids. This was the order in which things were done. I had a few boyfriends along the way. When i was 18 i was madly in love only to have my heart broken at 19 , become single again and have my aunty ask my mum 'Why can't she met someone". Nevertheless i followed the path and the way 'things were done'. Everything was ok until the marriage turned rocky and after following the path and 2 kids later i found myself separating from my husband and becoming a single mum. Ys the questions came out 'why?', 'can't you sort it out?'. No we couldn't sort it out and even though i wasn't the first in my extended family to separate i still felt like a black sheep. After separating i met someone else. We 'dated' for 2 years, he never met my family or my kids as he thought my kids shouldn't know, shouldn't be exposed so i went along with what he wanted and then things turned sour. On the verge of a breakup i found i was pregnant. So now i am divorced, single mum, pregnant in a failing relationship and my family don't know him. We decided to have the child (he is pro life) despite our rocky relationship and i trusted him when he said we would be ok and we would work things out.I had to tell my family, he was forced to meet them. Later he became verbally abusive,nasty all through my pregnancy couldn't tell me if he was going to be around or not. Fast forward baby is born he is not around much, still verbally abusive walks in and out of our lives when he feels like it and thinks this is ok. I have gone against the grain in every way possible. I've had to fend for myself, deal with gossiping behind my back bring up 3 kids pretty much on my own. I've realised now that i have done and am doing the best i can with an imperfect situation. I no longer care what others think, i care about my kids being happy and loved and supported. I do what i need to do for myself and not what others think i should doing as others don't truly know my journey. They don't know the stress, the anguish, the hurt, the verbal abuse that i have endured to get to this point. This point is where i know i am a good person, a worthy person,i am not the awful things i have been called, i have gone against everything i was brought up to believe in but i am grateful for all i have and i still pray to God.

cmf x

Thankyou so much Dottie! It's great to be challenged. You are of course correct about values/beliefs/ choice/expectations. And; thanks for being honest, open and courageous enough to confront me. So proud of you...

I apologise for the confusion hun; it was in no way aimed at you. I began writing and was lost in words that meant a great deal to me. I miss simple concepts and having a couple of choices...nurse or personal assistant. My poor mind wants simple. No games or pretense.

I'm sorry to all reading as well. I'll leave things here and walk away with my tail between my legs. Having a MI is sometimes embarrassing and a little humiliating. Filtering my words and dissociation isn't as it used to be. Making decisions; problem solving; it's hard sometimes.

Sorry...I want to be normal too.

Sara x

Hi everyone,

CMF, wow, thanks for sharing some of your journey. You've certainly encountered many obstacles along the way. I think each struggle was painful and difficult enough as it was/is without people- like the gossipers you mentioned or the people who judged you for making the decision to separate.

You're clearly a very strong, resilient person who has faced/continues facing many adversities. Your girls are lucky to be able to call you "mum." Your self determination as well as your love for them comes across loud and clear.

I agree that you're definitely not whatever awful things you have been called. Sometimes- not that it's ever an excuse- I think miserable or insecure people need to tear others down to feel good about themselves. That's on them, not you.

Sara, it's okay. Don't worry about it. There's no need to apologise. All is well.

I hear what you're saying about how you're feeling re: your last post but there's no need to "walk away with my (your) tail between my legs." You're always welcome to post here if you like. I'm not saying you have to- no pressure- but it's an open invitation 😉

I miss simple concepts and having a couple of choices...nurse or personal assistant. My poor mind wants simple. No games or pretense.

There, I think you articulated your thoughts very well. Sometimes I forget the impact that disassociation has on you. I think you're doing the best you can and you just wanted to express something that you felt strongly about in your other post. Good on you for still trying to reach out, support and share you thoughts.

Love ya,

Dottie xxx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thx Dottie, great post x

Sara, I want the simple things back too. I love what you are saying.

Cmf x