Share your stories on forging your own path.

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about expectation, choice, conventional and non-conventional paths. I was hesitant to put up this thread but here it goes...

My personal thought is that even in this day and age, there's often an implicit expectation that everyone gets married, has kids and has a full-time 9-5 job. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married, having kids or a 9-5 job. That's not what I'm talking about here.

The point that I'm trying to make is what suits one may not do another. And I think we can sometimes do a major disservice- even with the best intentions and even if it's accidental- to each other when we pressure others to follow a certain path.

It's not always explicit pressure, it's often implied e.g. with comments like "when you get married" where the assumption is you will get married. Never mind that maybe some people don't want to get married, don't believe in marriage or can't get married in Australia in the case of the LBGTI community. I would suggest saying "if you get married" instead.

I feel that my point isn't about getting married or not getting married; I feel my point is about how everyone has their own path to follow and that we shouldn't make assumptions about other people. I know it might seem petty that I'm commenting on "if" versus "should" but the difference between those 2 words holds immense power in my opinion.

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest...I really want to hear from the round pegs in a square hole.

Please share your stories about the road less travelled- the obstacles, pressures as well as triumphs you had to overcome to pursue your path

Dottie xxx

I feel as though I could learn something from you guys. And I feel others could too.

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie and thankyou for being so humble. Thanks to cmf too for validating my thoughts on the 'simple life'.

I think what I was trying to get across in my lost way, was a metaphor. We always have choice, but influences around us are very powerful; especially when we're continually told 'they' can make it easier. So each time we problem solve or decide on which way to go, we just can't escape the media and stigma of 'when in Rome'.

What's right isn't always popular, (or easy) and what's popular isn't always right. Making life changing choices is hard slog when you buck the system or are a people pleaser.

When I was in 6th form (year 12) we were given a questionnaire about what career path would best suit us. It was multiple choice and I soon worked out the pattern of answers. Typical me; more interested in how the paper was developed.

Anyway, every question about medicine or science I ticked knowing what the outcome would be. I didn't pay attention to really delving into myself.

As predicted, it was nursing I was directed to. Sigh...I only wish I'd known I was intelligent. Being expected to do nursing (or sign writing which my mother was adamant about) was the obvious way to go, because I didn't have an internal voice that sounded like 'me'.

My son was suffering from the same thing, but recently he's been taking courses relating to his passion of photography; I've been encouraging this for a while.

I guess the difference between my era and yours Dottie, is how the concept of 'you can be anything you want' was only beginning to rise.

Had I chosen to go to Uni, I'd have had no support or encouragement, and nobody wants this in their teens. (btw...it was free back then!) Simply put...it was just too hard!

Vocational counsellors (I don't know what they're called now) used to help people sort thru the if's, but's and maybe's. But they could only go by likes/dislikes and grades. That was my downfall; I was too average to follow a career path that suited the 'real' me.

Yes there's regret, but I'm too old and damaged to change things. I can however help young people find themselves. At least I'd like to think I can...

Sara xo (I hope I'm on the right track)

[The_Abyss]

Dottie - great thread!

I have always been a square peg in a round hole, despite always trying to "fit in" and live up to social expectations. I am most comfortable however challenging the status quo! My greatest joy is proving people wrong when they tell me "NO", or "it can't be done"!

[Guest_322]

Hi,

CMF, thank you 😊

Sara, I really appreciate your thoughtful post and how you took the time to explain a little more. Thank you. I think that I'm developing a better understanding of what you were getting at before (or at least I think I am).

What's right isn't always popular, (or easy) and what's popular isn't always right. Making life changing choices is hard slog when you buck the system or are a people pleaser.

I like this a lot...I think that there's always a price to pay either way. I suppose it comes down to what a person values more of the 2.

It must have been frustrating to have been basically pushed into something that really wasn't for you. When there's little support combined with pressure- from your mum in your case- to pursue a certain path, I don't see it as a true choice but more about fulfilling someone else's expectations. Mind you, I don't know if that's how you see it but that's my perspective at least. I have to admit that I do feel a sense of loss for you. Not in the sense of feeling sorry for you but in the sense of lost possibility.

You sound very supportive of your son. I'm glad he's pursuing his passion. Maybe he just needs time to figure out his direction. Either way, he will have your support and encouragement and he's very lucky to have that.

The Abyss, thank you. I love your fiery, sassy attitude and how you challenge the status quo. That's right, you go tell 'em 😊

Dottie x

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

You talked about expectations, and applying them to others.

I've found this is a common trap for parents, it definitely was for mine. I guess it can come from a couple of things, the obvious, that parents with the best of intentions want their kids to do well, have happy lives, be a success. Or parents that to some extent see their offspring as continuations of themselves, maybe something as simple as taking over the family business.

Expectations are all very well but there are at least three pitfalls. First off most parents have no more wisdom than anyone else, and may have taken may wrong paths, or only just scraped along during their lives. They may not know what is best - even if they think they do. So prescribing for someone else, by the pressure of expectation, or by making arrangements, is a perilous path that may well lead nowhere.

Second even if they are pretty cluey as to how to go the personality and abilities of the child may not go in that direction, a poet may not make a good farmer. A person who enjoys and is good at mechanical work may not be able to cope that happily with uni.

Third thinking of someone as being there to 'extend' the line, be a continuation of family values, activities and traditions -in other words copies of their parents means they are not being awarded the basic right to be seen as separate human beings.

In a lot of cases things work out, some do follow their parents, some find other paths. The sad bit is if those expectations cripple the psyche of the child, force them into areas they are not suited for, or ignore talents that should have been fostered.

As you will know I came from a very 'socially aware and correct' family where church, career and marriage were seen as the province of the parents with them having the right to do the steering. Quite young the large discrepancy between my father's sermons and actual life led me to abandon their views on religion. I did attempt their prescription on career by starting Arts/Law, but that was a disaster and finally all traces were severed when I went against their wishes and married the lady of my choice.

I see myself as a round peg escaping from the confines of squares:)

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Your post made my day. Put a smile on my face.

I loved reading about your journey and it also helped that you articulated your thoughts so well.

Very perceptive about parents and I think there's a lot of truth in your insight. Good intentions are often at the core but sometimes even the best intentions can be misguided.

Third thinking of someone as being there to 'extend' the line, be a continuation of family values, activities and traditions -in other words copies of their parents means they are not being awarded the basic right to be seen as separate human beings.

They were all really good but I particularly liked your third point. I agree that sometimes parents forget that their children aren't carbon copies of them, and that at some point, they have to let their children go so that they can figure out life on their own terms.

I love that you are a round peg in a square hole. Good on you for making your own decisions about religion and choice of marriage partner. I think it takes self awareness and strength to stand one's ground. Praise to you.

Dottie x

[topsy_]

I did those same questionnaires as Sara. I wanted to work in a bank, so of course they suggested accountancy. There was no way I ever wanted to have to do another exam ever in my life.

My school principal decreed everyone in 6th Form (Year 12) had to apply for a teachers scholarship. I refused as there was no way I ever wanted to teach any age kids. She went ballistic as only old nuns can!!

On the funny side though, my mother decided I could either work for MBF Health Fund or in the bank. After careful consideration SHE decided on the bank. The reason?? At the health fund I would only meet the mothers of suitable young men paying their subs for them. In the bank I would meet those actual young men when they came in to bank their pay.

So I would meet the man of my dreams, get married & live happily ever after!! (And not be her responsibility anymore).

Funny/weird memories! Thanks everyone, Lyn.

[Guest_322]

Hi yellownanna,

I have to say that I really enjoyed reading about your defiant and headstrong streak in refusing to apply for the scholarship.

Your mum's rationale amused me. Although I'm guessing it probably wasn't amusing at the time...

I think things have changed dramatically today. I mean, I completed maybe 1 career related questionnaire in school that came up with suggestions. But it was made clear to us that it was only to be used as loose suggestion of sorts.

I had a school career advisor but her role wasn't to tell us what to do. It was student directed in the sense that we told her about our aspirations, and her role was to make suggestions relevant to our goals.

Anyway...I'm loving reading about all you sassy round pegs 😊

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

I loved reading your anecdote Lyn! Old nuns...HA! Don't get me started!

Croix bought up some good points of which I'm not sure are relevant today? Though your response Dottie suggests they are. It's amazing how much info is on these pages. I love that we get to exchange stories, but more-so how it informs me of how 'the other half live/lived'.

When we're kids, our parents are Gods...like it or lump it. There wasn't a lot of comparison to their values etc, except from other kids who made life out to be 'just gorgeous'. There's probably many of them on here come to think of it.

I'm really interested in the values of kids today vs that of us oldies. The choice issue as I've mentioned, has come a long way. Women in marketing or banking management for instance just wasn't done - legally mind you. Nowadays, if you're a male over 50, you're over the hill. Unless you're on the board of course, then you retire with squillions! (of our money damn it!)

Liking the direction this thread is taking D-Girl; well done!

Sara x

[Just Sara]

Btw Dottie...thankyou for your response above. I love reading your opinions, they're so relevant and insightful.

Sara xo

[CMF]

Forging our own path. I toy with the idea of selling my house on a regular basis. I could sell, invest the money, rent for a bit and be free (maybe). I wouldn't be living to the last cent every week but I may be renting forever.

what am I scared of?

1. Stressing my kids out by moving and renting

2. Not being able to buy anything again, getting pushed out of the market

3. The thought of living in someone else's house, helping them pay their mortgage instead of my own

4. Spending more on rent than I do on mortgage repayments, because I know for a fact I will.

5. being judged as a failure for throwing in the towel. For being told my life choices were bad and it's my fault if the kids are unhappy (this from ex hubby)

6.going against what I was brought up to do

7. Looking like a lazy failure. Instead of putting little miss in childcare and working I sell the house, cop out.

next year little miss goes to school and I look forward to getting back to work for many reasons. Do I stick it out till then and see how it goes? Will I still struggle when she goes to school and I work?

do I forge my path now or wait to see what my path is?