Planning a healthier mind

[white knight]

Seems so many projections are made for short medium and long term goals. We plan our careers, education, loans for houses, cars or holidays. Why is it that some of us don’t have any projections of where our mind will be in 5 or 10 years?

One answer could be that with our demons we live on hope and we live day to day. Hope that scars from our traumatic childhood will one day be conquered. Or maybe that you as one of several siblings was just the unlucky one with bipolar and that one day there will be a cure or it will…go away?

Perhaps you dream of your abusive parent paying you a visit one day out of the blue and offers a sincere apology that will fix everything from the next day onwards.?

It doesn’t seem realistic does it? So if you think the same as me, why aren’t we planning projections, goals, to our future mental health? We plan our physical fitness routine don't we?

It seems odd to me that with the one thing that stops us blending successfully into society, our mental stability, we live on hope but not extend our efforts of treatment to include our own long term plan.

So here goes? At what stage of your recovery from depression, anxiety, do you want to be in 2020? We have covered many times the fact that managing your illness rather than seeking a full recovery is more real saving us from disappointment and self loathing. So what projections can you give yourself for your hard work at researching your illness and improving yourself?

My goal is that by 2020 I will have a stable family relationship with all my selected family members. There are rocky ones in there that partially has been due to my moods and lack of patience. Patience isn’t on supermarket shelves but I can try when those people are around me to listen and make effort to care more. To express that to them directly. In terms of personal relationships I plan to be less outspoken and more tolerant.

My goal by 2025 (I’ll be 69yo) is to be rid of guilt for anything I’ve done to anyone that was unreasonable. Based on the fact that you cant undo the past and I am remorseful. This is not for others, this goal is for me, for my peace, for my worth as a man.

Part of being positive is to make plans that are achievable. To avoid being “stuck” in not advancing with your mental health, plan your mental well being as you would saving for a new car.

Goals daily, monthly, yearly, 10 years. you can improve. Fall down? get back up and plan again

Do you have a plan?

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Dear Dizzy & Elizabeth

Thankyou so much. You are both an inspiration not only to me & the people on the forums but so many of the public that read but choose not to post for their own reasons.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Just Sara]

Hi Elizabeth and Paul;

Thank you both for responding; much appreciated.

Regarding my bubble - it's a necessary tool for me to learn to protect myself. My history is full of decisions made through grooming and childhood training to protect others and put myself in the firing line. I'm learning new ways of dealing with my options and decision making process'. My bubble represents communication skills that incorporate more listening and observation, and speaking when I feel safe enough to contribute. This means; not exposing myself to those who may use or abuse me. But more-so in learning to identify those people as threats and be able to walk away without self blame and guilt.

We've all spoken about taking steps towards our future, and changing me is the way to ensure my safety and inner peace. I'm learning and growing into the person I want to be, not the person that others want me to be.

It's a work in progress...Dizzy x

[Elizabeth CP]

I like your last line "'I'm learning and growing into the person I want to be, not the person that others want me to be.' The person we "want"to be is really our true potential the person who feels right for us to be certainly not who we think others expect us to be. You mentioned communication skills which I think are the key to working out who to allow into our bubble & who to keep firmly outside.

[blondguy]

Hey Dizzy

Elizabeth is spot on and if I can steal your sentence "I'm learning and growing into the person I want to be, not the person that others want me to be"

Tony WK recently had a great thread that touched on this where my dad was concerned....I have a saying now that I use one the forums when necessary "I avoid negative and critical people " That has unfortunately included my dad about 3 years ago and I have had the best 3 years of my life.

I love your bubble Dizzy and thankyou for being you 🙂

Kind Thoughts for You

Paulx

[Just Sara]

Good morning Paul and Elizabeth;

Each time I read your responses, it helps me to move forward. My bubble euphemism is turning out to be a wonderful example of how I'm leading my life at present.

After posting on another thread, I touched on self blame. It broke open something that has taken hold of me since childhood. My bubble also represents how I hide from people and situations. More-so how I'm frightened of moving out beyond that boundary to take risks necessary to direct myself towards life; living. This brings up the issue of 'trust'. My psych was right. I don't trust myself. But I'm learning to.

The other issue is courage. Tony WK is continuing to point out this in his posts with me. I've always considered myself to be courageous, but it seems this applies more to protecting others than protecting and promoting me. When I've done this in the past, I've exposed myself to some horrible situations. I guess withdrawing was my way of learning to be affective in protecting me and allowing others to suffer and learn from their own mistakes. If I don't step out of my bubble though, I can't 'live' life. I just exist and survive.

This thread is teaching me that life can't be lived without planning for tomorrow, learning from the past and experiencing the present. Blah! Metaphors! But there really is something to it.

On your comments about your Dad Paul, I haven't spoken to mine in over 20 yrs. It too was one of the best decisions of my life. I did this for my son initially because I didn't want him having my father as a role model of dysfunction and self destruction. But the benefits for me were massive.

Yesterday I finally got into some admin at home that's been sitting idle for over a year. I didn't have any anxiety throughout! I put this down to the amazing feedback and comments from this site and my willingness to take heed.

I hope you're just as insightful and helpful to yourselves as you've been with me.

Many thanks...Dizzy x

[Elizabeth CP]

Your talk of the bubble made me thing of some I know who lives in a city apartment. When you arrive you press the button & she answers, checks who you are & then opens the door to people she knows & trusts. They are then able to go to her flat & feel welcome. She is free to come & go freely from her flat. Of course anyone she doesn't know or trust are unable to get through the security door so she is safe. Similarly if there are things happening outside which she doesn't like she can return home & feel safe. My thought is that for you communication is the key so you can listen & watch & then decide whether you open the security door to welcome someone into your 'bubble' or whether that person is kept firmly outside & therefor unable to harm you. The bubble & its 'security door' are good when they keep you safe but it is equally important to trust yourself enough to open the door wide to allow positive people & experiences in so you can enjoy life.

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Elizabeth;

What you've said makes a lot of sense. I'm being quite challenged at present to step out of my comfort zone. It's scary and has triggered some anxiety. I'm getting through it, but I feel as if I'm slipping at times.

It's lonely in my bubble, yet the isolation is a safe place. I do need to trust myself more and put some effort into changing my outlook.

Thankyou again...Dizzy x

[Moonstruck]

Elizabeth and Dizzy, reading about your idea of the bubble - "Its lonely in my bubble yet the isolation is a safe place..." that sounds heavenly...i relate to that completely, and wish i could have it again I am sure I had this bubble once, but bit by bit, the outside world pecked away until they found a way through to "get to me".it is happening again now and I find it very hard to deal with.

It's fairly hard to explain to them about the bubble when they can't see it - they see a welcoming, smiling, friendly woman with social graces and polite ways of greeting them when they callously barge through the delicate, fragile, transparency of my bubble........my dilemma now is how to explain the reason for the bubble, why it exists, and ask them to please respect it and what it represents - protection, armour, my safe haven in what has been to me quite often...a very cruel and unpredictable world. they are beginning to burst through more and more often..I find it impossible to be rude and send them away or tell them i don't want to talk to them. So I am "nice" to them. So of course, they come back. somethings gotta give..I either lose all my friends by keeping my bubble intact- or i tear it down altogether and let them push me,shove me, coerce me into whatever game, past-time, activity, conversation, social get together they have decided I must partake in. They will turn me into them.

It is taking a lot of energy trying to keep my bubble intact - I would never do that to someone else who clearly had a bubble of protection around them. I would know it was there for a reason and treat it with respect....all I ask is to be treated the same way.

Elizabeth said I could check first to see who I want to allow in and keep the others away but I am scared of offending them. They wouldn't like that and would make an enemy of me. They might do harmful things to me in return, like spreading tales and gossip about my mental state of "shutting people out and being nasty". How do I say as politely as possible "I don't want any visitors today. I prefer to be alone just now. I don't need company at this time. Please don't continue to "drop in" unannounced to surprise me because its disconcerting...I cannot handle it, it causes me stress.

.How can I convey that message without their thinking I am completely round the twist. I am willing to try a more restrained way of retaining my privacy rather than screaming LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want it to come to this.

[white knight]

Dear moonstruck

Your last post here is the most remarkable description of how I feel about my challenges with people. Dizzy's "bubble" concept is a feeling many of us have. Your description of wanting protection through choosing isolation and resisting to end up like them is spot on.

Often we don't want small talk, to listen about their kids sporting achievements or their friends travel plans. This can be perceived in so many negative ways but its merely our low tolerance level mixed with our need for isolation for peace.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Dear Moonstruck and Tony WK;

What I'm beginning to understand from my own life and that of others on this site, is that we need filters. Childhood grooming and training in communication skills made others a priority. However as I matured, this concept bought up massive resentment. Anger fuelled my relationships and eventually I was perceived as the 'bitch' from hell. That's when I started listening more and commenting less. Now I don't go out unless I need to and as I said, it's lonely but safe. I need this time to change.

Moonstruck, your post comes across as not knowing how to speak your mind for fear of repercussions. It also sounds as if those relationships are personal and this makes it hard. I wrote on a thread, it took me until I was in my early 30's to confront my mother and say "No!" to her for the first time. She was angry and resentful, but eventually she came around to respect my boundaries.

I've heard a story that's helped me to understand how to give back without causing resentment in others. It's common for people to rant and tell the OMG! stories. I say to them, that's awful, what are you going to do about it? It stops them in their tracks...give back the responsibility where it belongs.

Another great way to identify if a person can become hostile is to get them to drive in peak hr traffic on a time schedule and see how they respond. You observe, and if that person reacts with hostility, the choice is yours, whether to stay or walk away. This is activating your own boundaries and filters.

My main issue is caused from PTSD. Trauma causes fear of the same thing happening over and over, this is the reason I stay away; for now anyway. I only have me to be accountable for. Thinking of others before me is on it's way out. Exposing myself by speaking about my financial situation for instance, will attract and tempt leaches. Do you get what I'm saying? No unnecessary risk taking. Take care of yourself the same as your own child. Fight for 'you'. Look after 'you'. Others have the same choice.

Screw those without respect or those with an agenda. Learn to identify them. Trust is earned!

I'm still alive because I'm a fighter...Dizzy x