Planning a healthier mind

[white knight]

Seems so many projections are made for short medium and long term goals. We plan our careers, education, loans for houses, cars or holidays. Why is it that some of us don’t have any projections of where our mind will be in 5 or 10 years?

One answer could be that with our demons we live on hope and we live day to day. Hope that scars from our traumatic childhood will one day be conquered. Or maybe that you as one of several siblings was just the unlucky one with bipolar and that one day there will be a cure or it will…go away?

Perhaps you dream of your abusive parent paying you a visit one day out of the blue and offers a sincere apology that will fix everything from the next day onwards.?

It doesn’t seem realistic does it? So if you think the same as me, why aren’t we planning projections, goals, to our future mental health? We plan our physical fitness routine don't we?

It seems odd to me that with the one thing that stops us blending successfully into society, our mental stability, we live on hope but not extend our efforts of treatment to include our own long term plan.

So here goes? At what stage of your recovery from depression, anxiety, do you want to be in 2020? We have covered many times the fact that managing your illness rather than seeking a full recovery is more real saving us from disappointment and self loathing. So what projections can you give yourself for your hard work at researching your illness and improving yourself?

My goal is that by 2020 I will have a stable family relationship with all my selected family members. There are rocky ones in there that partially has been due to my moods and lack of patience. Patience isn’t on supermarket shelves but I can try when those people are around me to listen and make effort to care more. To express that to them directly. In terms of personal relationships I plan to be less outspoken and more tolerant.

My goal by 2025 (I’ll be 69yo) is to be rid of guilt for anything I’ve done to anyone that was unreasonable. Based on the fact that you cant undo the past and I am remorseful. This is not for others, this goal is for me, for my peace, for my worth as a man.

Part of being positive is to make plans that are achievable. To avoid being “stuck” in not advancing with your mental health, plan your mental well being as you would saving for a new car.

Goals daily, monthly, yearly, 10 years. you can improve. Fall down? get back up and plan again

Do you have a plan?

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

I used to agree to things & then
feel bad for not being assertive enough to say no when I should. If I
said no I would feel guilty & useless. After discussion with my
psych I came up with a strategy which works for me. Rather than
replying to requests straight away I give myself a short time to
think of the correct answer. I try to think how this request fits
with my values & what the consequences of saying yes or no. I try
not to get too caught up with the process otherwise I'd never make a
decision. Once I decide I give my answer. This allows me to feel more
in control & if I start to question what I'm doing I remind
myself of my reasons. For example recently I had my son's family
stay. I gave them a strict deadline & made it clear it was not
negotiable. They are the type of people who expect people to help
them out all the time & I felt they needed to take responsibility
for their own lives. I will no longer lend them money because it just
enables them to continue wasting money & expecting others to pick
up the pieces. The opposite example another son rang asking for help
when I was really tired & didn't want to help. After listening to
his predicament I agreed to help because I knew he needed help &
He would drop everything to help me if I needed it. Knowing I had
chosen to help made it easier to cope while helping because I knew I
was doing the right thing even though it wasn't something I wanted to
do. I am glad you were able to say no to your mother even though it
would have been hard.

[Just Sara]

Wow Tony!

Your words ARE like hugs and validation. Your last post was so nice to read. Gave me chills actually. That's why I'm still here. Wisdom, knowledge, acknowledgement and gratitude. (Sigh..)

Genuine people with compassion and honesty. (still sighing..)

Worthy and valuable Tony White Knight; a breath of fresh air. Thankyou..(Sigh)

[blondguy]

Dear Tony WK. We are remarkably similar in nature, its like I have found my brother again.I would like to thankyou for your kindness and support. Your counsel is respected and valued more than you know Tony

Dear Dizzy....If I can quote you "Addressing my own needs and desires as a matter of priority seems a foreign concept" Your post was a relief to read from someone that has parallels where a 'tired mind' is concerned. I also liked what you said about every day is an investment in your (our) future...So well said Dizzy. Also you did well with your mum with saying 'no'. You really are a tower of strength! You are probably like me and cant see that you are though.....It never ends.....yet! 🙂

Tony's threads always provide me with relief and strength too Dizzy...he does have an innate gift when it comes to caring for people through his experience and ability to empathize.

Your posts are a help to me Dizzy...I hope you can stick around....You also have a great understanding of this accursed illness that can help people so very much through the way you articulate your experience xx

Paul...Hugs to Tony WK and Dizzy and Moon for being a Legend too x

[white knight]

"Your posts are a help to me too Dizzy"

Indeed. In fact I scan others posts for quotes as you also do Paul. Everyone has snippets of information that can help me improve.

My enemy is arrogance. I decided long ago to value others equally regardless of their level of knowledge.

We are all worthy of equal value here for we all are not responsible for the position we find ourselves in. If you think you are responsible then let go, tell yourself you are not at fault. Feel emotional freedom, breathe deep and run into the sunlight by breaking the shackles of blame.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

My dearest Paul, Tony and Moon;

The last few posts have opened my heart just a little in response to finally finding the validation and understanding I've yearned for. I say it again as we all have; "Words are so powerful" It isn't often I find such personal and beautiful conversation on BB. When I talk about my heart, I mean physically I feel a warm sensation in my chest. It has been so difficult (tears..) to find people who appreciate how hard it is to fight these insidious disorders, and also to recognise the courage it takes to push on.

I think maybe my heart has been so damaged, reading our words is challenging my cynicism and resolve never to allow anyone into my bubble to be used or abused again. It's given me hope of a future where there are like-minded souls who live among us. (more tears..)

I am also encouraged by the fact there are men in this world who also hurt and can still find a superb sense of being there for others; that not all men are abusers waiting for me to come out and 'play'. Moonstruck has mentioned the fear of abandonment in her quest for 'self'; for me it's the fear of being harmed; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

So yes, this thread has turned out to be a God-send. I can't really put into words how amazing it is to read such inner beauty and strength.

Thank you all so very, very much...Dizzy x

[white knight]

Dizzy, your warmth is beautiful.

At 14 yo my youngest daughter rang me "dad, I don't want to see you again". The result of a mother's brainwashing and drive for revenge. I then, about once a year had short conversations with my daughter. Each time I said " if you were in London and you needed me and I had no money to fly... I'd swim..."

4 months ago now at 23yo she walked up my driveway. "Hi dad". She'd remembered what I said. She had matured to be her own person.

She asked me how I felt about her mother after all the hurt she caused me. I told her I hoped she and her were close to each other and as for me...I'd moved on and hold no grudges. She couldn't understand how I could be like this.

Well I said..." You're happiness is more important than my bad memories, your happiness with your mother is more important than the hurt she inflicted on my life and..your future is more important than our past.

As she left that night she hugged me. For 5 minutes she wouldn't let me go. Then she said "I love you"

My quest to be a good man, as good as my dad, and be as good a dad to my daughters as he was to me has blossomed.

My views are akin to Christian values but I'm an atheist.

Yes Dizzy, discard the cruel, eliminate the abusers and smother yourself with good people.

Thanks for reading. You are a gem for your kind words.

I'm so glad you have joined this remarkable family of bb forums.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

I accept your kind words gratefully Tony.

Thank you for sharing. Isolation and looking in the mirror after a break up such as yours and; warding off the demon of self destruction, shows such courage and 'fight'. We are akin in this respect. My son has been the stability that kept me 'here'.

Relationships with children can be a journey of patience, pain and self doubt. However, as you say, the wait is worth it. My son withdrew from me from age 16. He's now 25 and is coming back to me as a man. Asking me for advice and telling me of his trials in life, is a welcome addition to our connection. I feel sad he's had to see me go through my own trials; no parent wants their child to witness such things. But he's always had an innate sense of wisdom that far outweighed his years. I thank God for this.

Day by day; step by step...Dizzy

[blondguy]

Dear Dizzy

I just read your post about your bubble....What a wonderfully written post. You do radiate a kind and precious soul.

I have the same bubble except I look at it as the force field from Lost in Space.....except mine is stuck on but I am still trying not to 'feed' it so much power as it pushes people away.

Reading about your son made me smile Dizzy...Heartwarming news

Paulx

[Just Sara]

My dearest Paul;

It is through this process of opening up and sharing my inner self with you all that has rekindled my own sense of beauty and connection to others in a positive way. You and Tony have given me safety to be myself.

I still have issues that need addressing of course, but having BB and its members to bounce off offers hope; more than hope really.

My gratitude is boundless...Dizzy x

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Paul & Dizzy Re your bubble or forcefield. I recommend a big welcoming door which opens to admit all the people you can trust to help & support you but which closes tightly to repel anyone who is harmful or untrustworthy. I'm imagining Paul's forcefield propelling any unwanted people out at lightening speed.

I to admire Tony for the way he overcome the problems he had & the way he used his experiences to learn & develop into the best person he could be living with the values he sees as important. What a great example