Planning a healthier mind

[white knight]

Seems so many projections are made for short medium and long term goals. We plan our careers, education, loans for houses, cars or holidays. Why is it that some of us don’t have any projections of where our mind will be in 5 or 10 years?

One answer could be that with our demons we live on hope and we live day to day. Hope that scars from our traumatic childhood will one day be conquered. Or maybe that you as one of several siblings was just the unlucky one with bipolar and that one day there will be a cure or it will…go away?

Perhaps you dream of your abusive parent paying you a visit one day out of the blue and offers a sincere apology that will fix everything from the next day onwards.?

It doesn’t seem realistic does it? So if you think the same as me, why aren’t we planning projections, goals, to our future mental health? We plan our physical fitness routine don't we?

It seems odd to me that with the one thing that stops us blending successfully into society, our mental stability, we live on hope but not extend our efforts of treatment to include our own long term plan.

So here goes? At what stage of your recovery from depression, anxiety, do you want to be in 2020? We have covered many times the fact that managing your illness rather than seeking a full recovery is more real saving us from disappointment and self loathing. So what projections can you give yourself for your hard work at researching your illness and improving yourself?

My goal is that by 2020 I will have a stable family relationship with all my selected family members. There are rocky ones in there that partially has been due to my moods and lack of patience. Patience isn’t on supermarket shelves but I can try when those people are around me to listen and make effort to care more. To express that to them directly. In terms of personal relationships I plan to be less outspoken and more tolerant.

My goal by 2025 (I’ll be 69yo) is to be rid of guilt for anything I’ve done to anyone that was unreasonable. Based on the fact that you cant undo the past and I am remorseful. This is not for others, this goal is for me, for my peace, for my worth as a man.

Part of being positive is to make plans that are achievable. To avoid being “stuck” in not advancing with your mental health, plan your mental well being as you would saving for a new car.

Goals daily, monthly, yearly, 10 years. you can improve. Fall down? get back up and plan again

Do you have a plan?

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Paul, your post touched a part of me that resonates. Words can be so powerful. After reading through our responses, the terms being used seem to be as important as the issue of our future's.

It occurred to me that the word 'trust' affects my thoughts of future plans. Very few plans can be made without others being integral in some way. My levels of trust are so low; making plans and relying on others to do their bit without taking over, having an agenda to 'get' without the effort, or not living up to their commitments has come up recently as a major anxiety trigger.

Thank you for sharing your brother's passing and the relationship with your father. The word 'goal' as you say, is personal and no wonder.

I suppose my plans mainly concentrate on things I can achieve alone; reading your post made me realise this. When I have no choice but to rely on others, the anxiety kicks in and if I can, I procrastinate.

My parents were never interested in my future growing up and I had to 'wing it' until I was mature enough to understand about choice and the ability to make decisions based on available options. I was destined to be somebody's wife and never aspire to anything else. I was 28 when I married to satisfy society's norm and he broke my trust and left while I was pregnant for another woman. My life is full of similar betrayals.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that my plans have nearly always been based on 'needs' and surviving. That sucks!

Thanks again for this thread Tony WK...Dizzy x

[blondguy]

Hey Dizzy

Thankyou for understanding that I was coming from a personal perspective. Being pushed to the kerb by your ex while pregnant while very sad is an example of spanners being thrown into the works where personal goals are concerned.

I appreciate Tony's point to set positive goals re our mindset. No worries there. Through many years of counselling I tend to 'survive' as well and look to the future with a calm expectation of recovery and wellness.

My levels of trust have also been effected in a similar way as people can sometimes have an agenda which can thwart our mental health and as you say form new trigger mechanisms for anxiety.

My Kind Thoughts for you Dizzy

Paulx

[Elizabeth CP]

Goals need to be achievable so I only set goals I feel I have control over rather than ones depending on other people.

I am now realizing how lucky I was with my parents. They encouraged me to work towards my own goals not what they expected & celebrated our successes. I became fascinated with the theory of relativity as a teenager & went to uni to learn more. My parents left school at 14 so had no idea about it but they were happy because it was important to me. They celebrated my brother getting a job as a train driver after leaving school early just the same as they celebrated me going to uni. I tried to encourage my own children to find what they were passionate in & then to pursue it. They all have careers they love & pursue different & interesting hobbies/interests.

[blondguy]

Hello Elizabeth

Thankyou for understanding. My big brothers personal health/goals were affected by my dad who ran his family like a military training facility. My dad is 81 and still so very disappointed in me that I am not flying a Boeing 747

I just here the word goal and I run away....I will self nurture in the meantime using Tony's advice

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[white knight]

Thankyou everyone for your words.

Paul we are so similar. I was 23yo when my brother 27 checked out. When I was 17 I enlisted for the RAAF as an aircraft mechanic. My narc mother didn't want a "grease monkey" as a son so I returned to the city to beg the RAAF to take me as a radio trainee, they did. 2 months into the course I failed the exams. I had to learn I'm not in this world for others expectations.

Our parents had their own choices, they should have had their children's happiness their priority not their own pride.

Thesdemands scar our minds to leave us mentally crippled. As for goals it is but a word but it is inside your scars Paul.

That's OK. I've learned here also that I can use other words like aims, dreams, inspire, to describe my future.

You are facing your life so bravely Paul. I'm a proud friend

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Thankyou for your empathy Paul; as it turned out, it was a blessing in disguise being abandoned. It was no picnic being a single mum and my dream of being a stay-at-home-mum/wife was never realised. My son is now in his mid 20's. Life for me was always about making a living to survive the pay period.

I have so many things I want to achieve in the short term to ensure my future is secure and peaceful. I mentioned in an earlier post about each day being an investment in my future. However the projects and responsibilities add up as time goes on and I'm overwhelmed.

Paul; the more I read of your life, (and others) I realise I'm not alone. (tears) In my family I've always been known as the strong one and the pressure associated with this since my mental health declined, is personally devastating. I've been there for others both in my personal and working life. Addressing my own needs and desires as a matter of priority seems a foreign concept.

I spoke with my psych the other day about this thread and my trust issues. She leaned forward and said quite adamantly; "You have to learn to trust yourself!" Further to this she spoke of my habit of focusing on others as a form of dissociation.

Most of the stuff I need to address are battles with govt. authorities. I have choice; I can walk away. But I've been running away my whole life. What do they say? Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Thankyou to all...Dizzy x

[Moonstruck]

Good to meet you Dizzy. I relate to the dream of "stay at home wife Mum" bit not quite coming true....I had it for a while...or thought I did..."white picket fence and all"....next day I was at Centrelink for Single Mothers Pension..

.perhaps this is when my massive sense of "responsibility to others" set in...in that case I had no choice..I had boys aged 9 and 7. They are now grown men and wonderful..I still feel responsible for them.and everyone in my immediate circle actually...work colleagues, boss, neighbours, mates, people who phone or email me, practically strangers...you name it...I put them all first!!!

As you said, putting myself and my needs first is a foreign concept to me....wonder how it feels! I say Yes to everything...or I tie myself up in knots to comply with others' requests..and feel dreadful if I can't fulfil their wishes - pathetic. How do I say "No sorry" without sounding selfish? Is it selfish?

I know what is at the bottom of this anxiety about not pleasing others.......deep down I am frightened if I displease them...they will "leave" me! It's abandonment........a tiny part of me buried way way down...is terrified they will do the same to me as my husband did all those years ago....if I'm "not good enough"....I will be abandoned.....there you are Psychs....I've done your work for you!! (LOL)

thank you for listening Dizzy....very best wishes....

[white knight]

Abandonment like do many other feelings would be hard to absorb without hurt. So to insecurity, inadequacy and lack of affection.

In one sense moonstruck, you know the theory but like many of us we try lifelong to put it into practice.

I see these challenges like a long distance plane flight say Melbourne to Broome but you will never get a ticket. You get a car and many more but they all breakdown. You get a bus but there is no driver. Finally you begin to walk and that speed is the amount of progress you make.

Slow

..but progress nevertheless.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Welcome Moonstruck;

Your words represent so many of us. Fear of consequences and repercussions are among the most frightening of proceeds when selfless turns to selfish. At least that's the word that's been used against me.

Tony WK began this thread re planning for our mental health. His last post used a very appropriate metaphor. A destination and starting point, a flight with no ticket. We all wish things would move faster than lightening; each step can be slow and sometimes, seemingly pointless. But with each step, the journey from Melbourne to Broome can be made by walking, be it ever so long and tenuous.

The first time I said "No" to my mum, was in my car after she asked me for money. She was a bad gambler and was always in 'need' of one thing or another. I told her I'd buy her food or pay rent, but refused to give money. She berated and swore at me all the way home, and at one stage she tried to get out of the moving car. I continued to say no with a lump in my throat the size of a tennis ball. Things became easier as time went on, and she didn't ask me for money anymore. That was 20 years ago. She still doesn't ask.

That scenario was one step for me. Thank you Tony for your insight. I forget sometimes just how many changes I've made in my life that have hit pay dirt. It's the successful steps I need to remember. Each time I make a decision to change, it also has consequences...good one's!

This thread is doing me a world of good. Great group of contributions...Dizzy x

[white knight]

Hi Dizzy,

So nice that I could help. I think also its appropriate to mention the courage and even bravery some of us have when confronted with the hurdles we face. To stick to your belief that "no"!! Is no and not allow your mother to gamble is a brave act.

We are joined by words on this forum. We are hugging by comprehension. We are even surviving better through this connection. Sometimes the smallest suggestion, meaningless to some can help.

As for myself I come up with many theories but still hit rock bottom at times no matter the level if knowledge. But education provides the spark of hope, of the chance of positivity to replace the decent with accent. To turn the tables.

Hence I'll never give up.

Thankyou again

Tony WK