OVERWHELMED AND NUMB

[Apollonia]

I have come a long way since struggling anxiety and depression but that low feeling us almost like a drug that I keep craving. I am blessed with an amazing husband, 2 great kids, parents that do far too much for me for their ailing age and have had the same friend circle for decades. I have so many reason to be grateful and feel blessed and yet I feel no genuine joy. I don't cook like I use to. I'm not a homemaker like I should be. I'm just always on the couch infant if the TV. I see things that need to be done round the house but don't know where to start. I'm ashamed to say that I fantasies about being diagnosed with something that I can blame this feeling on. Then feel bad for being so selfish to put my loved ones through that. I just feel like I can't "adult" sometimes. I hear what married friends did during the day....prepare meals, declutter the house, build a shed...and I feel like I'm failing as a wife and parent and not setting a good example for my kids. I've been in and out of therapy all my life but decided to get a referral for a psychiatrist. I've heard women in their 40s are getting diagnosed with ADHD now. My son has it and reading up on it made me think...I thought this was all normal behavior...maybe I can get the help I finally need (or maybe I'm still fishing fir something to be wrong with me so I can blame it on that!) I don't even feel comfortable being here. I feel ashamed and selfish. Yet I keep writing. I feel alone in a room full of loved ones. I feel unworthy sharing a bed with a man who has proven 100 times he loves me unconditionally. I read self help books. I do daily affirmations. But the slightest spanner in the works and I just want to quit my job and be alone. But I can't afford to. I'm turning 47 and I feel I have nothing to show for it but giving up and taking advantage of loved ones' help. My boys are in their late teens and I feel I haven't prepared then for the real world. I don't know why I'm here. You guys helped I my darkest hours 3 years ago. I quit a toxic job and got help with your support. I don't even know what I need or want right now. I'm just overwhelmed and numb. Money is such an issue. It's the root of our problems. I don't love my job but it keeps me safe, it's somewhat flexible and helps with our debts. It's the festive season and I don't want to go out, buy gifts or anything. I don't know what's wrong with me? I just want to feel joy around me....and I can't.

[Apollonia]

Croix,

Finally catching up with psychologist Thursday night but since last Wed I starting taking medication. GP prescribed one that works for both nerve pain and anti anxiety. I may have pinned too many hopes on it. I don't feel like I'm moving forward. I just feel off my face and tired. My friend suggested I might ask gp to not give me such a combo but rather one that deals with just anxiety/depression. I'm just tired all the time. And the timing to give it a go...couldn't be worse....I started the same day I received results that I was covid positive. I know I want to get better. Especially before kids go back to school. Need to be with it...to keep up with all that routine. Right now..I tick all the side effects: dry mouth, nausea, disruptive night sleep, tired all day...if i lie still and close my eyes, I feel like I'm floating high...which part of me likes and the other part reminds me I'm a daughter with aging parents, a wife and a mum and to just snap out of it!

I'll call to get appt with gp tomorrow. It's nice to feel numb sometimes...but life keeps moving even when you're still...and I want to feel more like a participant than a spectator.

[Apollonia]

Croix,
Finally catching up with psychologist Thursday night but since last Wed I starting taking medication. GP prescribed one that works for both nerve pain and anti anxiety. I may have pinned too many hopes on it. I don't feel like I'm moving forward. I just feel off my face and tired. My friend suggested I might ask gp to not give me such a combo but rather one that deals with just anxiety/depression. I'm just tired all the time. And the timing to give it a go...couldn't be worse....I started the same day I received results that I was covid positive. I know I want to get better. Especially before kids go back to school. Need to be with it...to keep up with all that routine. Right now..I tick all the side effects: dry mouth, nausea, disruptive night sleep, tired all day...if i lie still and close my eyes, I feel like I'm floating high...which part of me likes and the other part reminds me I'm a daughter with aging parents, a wife and a mum and to just snap out of it!
I'll call to get appt with gp tomorrow. It's nice to feel numb sometimes...but life keeps moving even when you're still...and I want to feel more like a participant than a spectator.

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

A bout of Covid is all you need right now, let's hope it is mild and quick.

I'm pleased you saw your GP and got some meds, it's probably not a fair trial with Covid at the same time, are you going to ask the doctor if you need to change them, or reduce them until you get better?

As you say, always tired plus floating is a bit much.

Hopefully the psychologist twill help too, are you using telehealth? I've found it pretty good all things considered, it's certainly convenient, and now you are Covid positive options are limited.

I think you are a participant already, most definitely
Croix