OVERWHELMED AND NUMB

[Apollonia]

I have come a long way since struggling anxiety and depression but that low feeling us almost like a drug that I keep craving. I am blessed with an amazing husband, 2 great kids, parents that do far too much for me for their ailing age and have had the same friend circle for decades. I have so many reason to be grateful and feel blessed and yet I feel no genuine joy. I don't cook like I use to. I'm not a homemaker like I should be. I'm just always on the couch infant if the TV. I see things that need to be done round the house but don't know where to start. I'm ashamed to say that I fantasies about being diagnosed with something that I can blame this feeling on. Then feel bad for being so selfish to put my loved ones through that. I just feel like I can't "adult" sometimes. I hear what married friends did during the day....prepare meals, declutter the house, build a shed...and I feel like I'm failing as a wife and parent and not setting a good example for my kids. I've been in and out of therapy all my life but decided to get a referral for a psychiatrist. I've heard women in their 40s are getting diagnosed with ADHD now. My son has it and reading up on it made me think...I thought this was all normal behavior...maybe I can get the help I finally need (or maybe I'm still fishing fir something to be wrong with me so I can blame it on that!) I don't even feel comfortable being here. I feel ashamed and selfish. Yet I keep writing. I feel alone in a room full of loved ones. I feel unworthy sharing a bed with a man who has proven 100 times he loves me unconditionally. I read self help books. I do daily affirmations. But the slightest spanner in the works and I just want to quit my job and be alone. But I can't afford to. I'm turning 47 and I feel I have nothing to show for it but giving up and taking advantage of loved ones' help. My boys are in their late teens and I feel I haven't prepared then for the real world. I don't know why I'm here. You guys helped I my darkest hours 3 years ago. I quit a toxic job and got help with your support. I don't even know what I need or want right now. I'm just overwhelmed and numb. Money is such an issue. It's the root of our problems. I don't love my job but it keeps me safe, it's somewhat flexible and helps with our debts. It's the festive season and I don't want to go out, buy gifts or anything. I don't know what's wrong with me? I just want to feel joy around me....and I can't.

[Apollonia]

How was everyone's Xmas?

I don't think I'm doing enough for my interstate family that are here. Albeit the covid cases and risk of being a Casual and close contact doesn't make them want to done out or venture out but I feel the things I planned during my short break ftom work kinda fell flat because so many businesses have closed that normally would be open this time of year.

It looks like NYE will be at my house but limited people which initially gave me great anxiety but now I see it as a kinda redemption. I know I have family support to help. I'll be working from tomorrow till Friday but God willing, we will make memories any old how.

I wish I could just appreciate the time I have with them without antagonizing myself that I should've done more, planned more, organize a longer break from work. But we did spend Xmas together after 5 years. We did go out on a picnic on Sunday. I had them over my house. I took my niece to op shopping though shops were closed but we walked. I took them for a walk throughput the city though many cafes and eateries were closed but still we weren't indoors.

Part of me just wants to say, you've done you're best in the shape you're in....mentally and physically (living with chronic pain)

They have plans tomorrow, but not Thurs and Fri is NYE and then the weekend I'll be free. I'm writing this post solely to release unkind thoughts from my mind. I know there's alotta support here but it doesn't matter if my mind can't be kind to me.

The climate we're living in just makes it hard to feel free to do anything. They don't want to go to any restaurants or crowded areas...I dunno what I can do for us...but I know everytime I leave them I think about how our time together could've been better.

I'm exhausted. Get too overwhelmed and disappointed instead of JUST BEING GRATEFUL. So many loved ones I know were apart on Xmas because of covid contacts. I feel so selfish and foolish for the way I carry on. I hate the thoughts that go thru my head.

I wish I could just shut the hell up and enjoy Life as it unfolds one moment at a time.

This is my outlet...to reach people that understand me. You're not alone. We need to trust our loved ones more and know that they have our backs and we can get through this debacle of a year and be optimistic for the new year ahead, right?

Cheers to trying! ❤

If you made it this far, thanks for reading and patience

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

I understand the feelings that one has not done enough, or done badly, or missed something important, and all the other negative thoughts that come in when you should simply be enjoying your accomplishments and your family.

Sadly I never found it possible to argue with those reactions, they were emotion and feelings. Logic did not come into it, at least not til later.

So I have tried, with a fair amount of success over time to make my mind 'switch streams' as it were. Instead of letting the inner critic hold sway and consume me I use a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

It does not matter if it is called 'mindfulness' or some other description. Its task is to break the chain of unwanted thoughts and leave one with a moment of peace.

It is not - for me anyway - enough by itself. The peace it gives does not last unless you have something planned to occupy yourself straight afterwards - a TV program, a book, talking with somone, or anything else you like. As the original stream of thoughts has been stopped it is easier to become occupied with these.

It takes planning.

Smiling mind also does take practice, however there are exercises there for all levels, even me. I have the concentration of a gnat, and there is an exercise in it that nags me just enough to prevent my mind wandering too far.

Back to logic again. You have, by your own account, done fine and your rellies will look back on your time together with fondness

Do you think you might like to give the above a serious try?

Croix

[Apollonia]

I downloaded the app and got a goodnight sleep with smiling mind.

But can I be honest with you? Sometimes my mind makes sense when it's unkind. I have to take accountability for the lack of motivation and effort I'm.putting into life.

I know groceries need to be done yet my kitchen is low on food and supplies.

I knew my melb family were coming up after 5 years yet I've only had them over once and bought no supplies if even if i want to take them out to a picnic or have them over...it'll be public holiday, shops will be closed.

I spent Xmas Day split between my mum and inlaws when I should've had everyone over at my home.

My cousin is hosting NYE without her inlaws to accommodate all of us and my Mother-in-law for the first time is home alone coz everyone decided to make plans because they knew my sister was up here and assumed I'd have it at home.

I can go over it as many times as I want...in the end...the truth is...I failed to plan ahead and organize things for them. They would've been happy just chilling at my place at night....but my house,wasn't tidy enough, I didn't want to cook for then...I haven't cooked proper meals for my family in years.

I can tell my mind to be kind but sometimes I can admit I'm a loser and have stuffed up. I don't know where I lost my way but I don't know how to get back to who I use to be.

My best friends father is dying as we speak and I'm half hoping I test positive to covid so that's my out from doing anything this weekend.

This weekend is suppose to mark the end of a turbulent year, hope for a new start...I just want to miss it all.

Sometimes I wish I could just lock myself away for awhile and then come out and pick up life where I left off, no questions no explanations...just carry on.

My biggest angst with anxiety and depression is how selfish you feel. I know I'm making mountains out of molehills. I know I don't have terminal illness and I have support in spades from family and friends. I know I'm blessed. That's what makes living this life so hard. I don't deserve any of it. So much gets done for me, it's like I'm doing nothing at all. I'm like a disappointed spectator of my life instead of participant.

I suck at Life at the moment. My family and friends are supportive of me...but they do too much. My boys love me but they won't have fond memories of mums signature dishes and end of year of parties.

I shouldn't be on here.

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

I'm glad Smiling Mind was some help. I've found with regular use it does improve further.

I saw you saying " I have to take accountability for the lack of motivation and effort I'm.putting into life."

I'm not quite sure how to put things in a way that makes a difference to you, I only have logic, and htat's not always enough.

Let me try this: When I was in the grips of depression and anxiety I did little, and felt it was my failings.

Later on I found I'd been blaming the wrong thing. It was not in fact me, it was the symptoms of the illness. Now at the time that was very hard to realise, because the symptoms are self-blame, lack of motivation, lack of energy, even lack of clear thoughts and a focus on all this is wrong.

You get the same symptoms from some physical illnesses, I have one such illness and before my regular transfusion is due I get all of those symptoms. However in that state I place the reason where it belongs, with the physical illness, not a failing in me.

The mental health illness is the reason, not you. In fact by interacting as much as you have with your rellies you have done a pretty god job.

I'm sure you will do as much as you can for your best friend. It may not be in many words, it may simply be caring. Often it is simply listening.

No, you kids will not remember you slaving over a hot stove, or presenting the home beautiful. They will remember somone who faces great adversity and keeps on managing despite everything. What better impression to give? You deserve respect, assistance and love (no, don't argue, that is the depression talking).

Croix

[Apollonia]

I have a wedding this Thursday that has been postponed 3 times. Not feeling the joy to attend. Haven't prepped like I usually do....hair, nails, outfit....just not feeling it.

On New Years Eve my best friend lost her Dad with covid. He had other complications but covid drove his oxygen levels down and his body couldn't cope.

You know what the first thoughts that crossed my mind were:

Shit! I hope the funeral isn't on the same day of the wedding!

Oh, no wait....if it is on the same day, I'll go to funeral, skip wedding ceremony but make the reception. Because is the funeral is on Friday, I have to miss 2 days off work!

I sent my husband out to shops with my sons coz they're missing something pants, shoes, belt...whatever...I finish work at 4 but it's just after 2 and quiet now...I could do something for myself. Go up the road and get a manicure. Always domethimg to clean...beds are unmade and rooms are upside down ftom boys' "dress rehearsal"......I actually would love to have a guilt free nap right now...and dream of positive energy flowing through me...and then I wake up with a big smile on my face and whizz around the house putting things away, tidying up, get a home-cooked meal ready with a bounce in my step and maybe even whistling while I do it!

I prayed to God the other night to just make me a stronger person. Stop being a burden to myself and loved ones around me.

I have reached out to my psychologist who is on leave. I've know her for years and tho I have a referral to see a psychiatrist...i don't think I'm comfortable yet to be vulnerable infront of a stranger.

It really feels like a daily tug of war between my mind and heart sometimes. Like, my mind makes me defeated and sad but in my heart, I know I'm supported and blessed.

I long for the day my thoughts are led by my heart and not my mind.

60mins till I log off...and maybe get some mindfulness in while I have house to myself.

Manifesting peace and light around us all

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

It was only natural to worry about the clash, then to find a solution that gave your friend priority but managed to squeeze in part of the wedding too. I guess for me it would be the same, putting support for a grieving freind first but still wanting to be part of one of the lovelier ceremonies in life.

As they are on separate days it should work out fine, hopefully 2 days off work will not cause you any hassles.

By now Christmas and NYE will be in the past. Did things work out OK, even if not up to what you might have wished?

I have the feeling you might underestimate the effect working from home may be having on you. When one has anxiety and depresson I have come to realize they take up an enormous amout of one's thoughts and energy. If you have to work as well (which you do for the finances) then that may not leave much at all.

Add to the the feeling work is always there in the background, even when you are not on shift, it tends to color all you think. You end up seeing all the other things that might (not necessarily essential) need doing and you blame yourself.

Rather blame the anxiety and depression, which have robbed you of part of your capacity. It is neither fault nor laziness, just the limits of what one is capable. I'm happy you were able to get some support from your psychologist, may I ask if it helped?

I hope you can find some words to comfort your friend, if stuck I have found simply being there and listening, or making a cuppa, can be more than enough to let them know they are not alone.

Croix

[Apollonia]

My psycologist is still on leave.

I've asked for the 2 days off but it's given me great anxiety coz I know due to staff shortage I'm the sole administrator. But at the same time as a sole administrator, I need a break!

I have the wedding tomorrow and I'm not excited about it. It's costing me a day off work and I don't think the phones will get attended to like I would have. There's a very relaxed management style that hasn't rubbed off me so I fear Friday is going to be a while lot of "This happened coz you weren't here yesterday!"

My kids are on school holidays, entering important years in high school...I should be planning weekends away....yet I'm.akready thinking taking time off for a wedding and q funeral...I can't ask for anything else for awhile...but I'm a Casual. I don't work they don't pay me.

There are so many factors to this job that I should take advantage of, like let it work for me...but I can't seem to do it.

I've walked into 2022 like a wou dedicated soldier. Feeling defeated before the year has begun...I've stooped cleaning, cooking, caring....I know I need help and I have to wait till everyone's back at work but in the meantime I just don't want to parent or adult anymore. I wish I could retreat somewhere for as long as I need and then rejoin society when I was,ready like time never passed and my loved ones weren't affected and I just came back more loving, focused and disciplined.

I don't want you harn myself. I couldn't do that to my loved ones but it's almost like I'm begging the Universe to make me sick or be placed in harm's way. Anything...other than feeling this overwhelmed and numb. I feel nothing. No joy. No motivation. Are the right medz enough? Here's hoping....

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

I guess I'll start with a little logic once gain, it may simply slide off at the moment but might ring a bell another time.

You have taken responsibility for you job to excess. you are not the one in overall charge who makes quotas, decides inadequate staff levels or does not put in place protocols for the staff's welfare. Yet you are worrying that the system will not perform as well wihtout your efforts. At a guess may be you are worried you will be berated for this.

All this for a casual job with no proper annual leave, sick day quotas or family reasons leave.

All the above creates ever increasing pressure as you need tme out and rest just like any other human -but are not getting it.

As a result you anxiety runs overtime, and picks on all sorts of subjects to worry about, the latest added to all the rest is not planning wiht the kids going back to school for a heavy year.

So it is very understandable you want circumstances to take matters out of you hands, I've felt that way myself in the past. Actually in my case it was a desire to simply stop thinking about it all.

I did suggest I found relief with Smiling Mind, which certainly can break those chains of thought. Really taking your mind off al the problems will help and give you a little peace without constantly blaming yourself for things beyond your control - of which there are many.

Do you think what I'm saying makes any sense? If so what can you do to give yourself relief each day for a little while?

Croix

[Apollonia]

Croix,

You've been ever so helpful. The day before the Wedding, during work, I just lost it. I was already exhausted from an anxiety attack in the morning. I contacted my therapist on leave, the recruiter who got me my job, my best friend and in the end my manager!

My manager wasted no time in calling me. She was pleasant and calming and was not going to hang up until she was happy she was leaving me in better shape. She said I'm not letting her down and we are just such unforeseen uncertain circumstances just doing the best we can. She wants me to take more breaks and thinks the 2 days off is what I needed.

On the day of the Wedding, just before I dropped off the work phones to my managers house (coz we are still working from home) I pulled over and did an 8min relaxation body scan meditation from Smiling Mind.

At the wedding there was a big gap between mass and ceremony and I momentarily thought I could've worked for 2 hours..silly.

Today I didn't wake up with the anxiety of what was waiting for me at work. Instead I took it into my own stride, I dealt with people head on....and thought....if management are accepting the current climate is driving business down and causes staff shortages...then I can lighten the unnecessary burden from my shoulders.

Maybe coz it's Friday...I don't know...but I was productive and was able to just shrug my shoulders when things went pear shaped.

Looking forward to the long weekend even if it means spending Monday being there for my best friend at her dad's funeral. I'm going to do my best to ride this tidal wave out. I've booked to see GP Tues night to discuss going back on anti anxiety pills.

It's acknowledging the triggers and signs before the black dog catches up with me.

Thanks for always checking in. Really appreciate it.

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

I'm glad to be a help, saying I'm doing that helps me too.

I think you did exactly the right thing after "losing it" at work. You worked you way though a list of people, each of whom probably helped in their own way.

Your contacting your manager - which you probably worried about doing - turned out exactly to be what you needed and I'm very glad she did not finish the conversation until she was satisfied you were in better shape

Her attitude gave you the confidence to take as much time as you needed: the short breaks during work are indeed important , as is the ability to take days off without worry..

Then you were able to deal with the troubles you predicted and were worrying about -that's great!

You said "It's acknowledging the triggers and signs before the black dog catches up with me." and that is what you are doing, and it does help greatly at times. The fact you used Smiling Mind before a taxing event shows forethought -again great!

I'm sure you will help your friend though her greif, no magic needed, just genuine care -which you have

I look forward to talking with you again

Croix.