OVERWHELMED AND NUMB

[Apollonia]

I have come a long way since struggling anxiety and depression but that low feeling us almost like a drug that I keep craving. I am blessed with an amazing husband, 2 great kids, parents that do far too much for me for their ailing age and have had the same friend circle for decades. I have so many reason to be grateful and feel blessed and yet I feel no genuine joy. I don't cook like I use to. I'm not a homemaker like I should be. I'm just always on the couch infant if the TV. I see things that need to be done round the house but don't know where to start. I'm ashamed to say that I fantasies about being diagnosed with something that I can blame this feeling on. Then feel bad for being so selfish to put my loved ones through that. I just feel like I can't "adult" sometimes. I hear what married friends did during the day....prepare meals, declutter the house, build a shed...and I feel like I'm failing as a wife and parent and not setting a good example for my kids. I've been in and out of therapy all my life but decided to get a referral for a psychiatrist. I've heard women in their 40s are getting diagnosed with ADHD now. My son has it and reading up on it made me think...I thought this was all normal behavior...maybe I can get the help I finally need (or maybe I'm still fishing fir something to be wrong with me so I can blame it on that!) I don't even feel comfortable being here. I feel ashamed and selfish. Yet I keep writing. I feel alone in a room full of loved ones. I feel unworthy sharing a bed with a man who has proven 100 times he loves me unconditionally. I read self help books. I do daily affirmations. But the slightest spanner in the works and I just want to quit my job and be alone. But I can't afford to. I'm turning 47 and I feel I have nothing to show for it but giving up and taking advantage of loved ones' help. My boys are in their late teens and I feel I haven't prepared then for the real world. I don't know why I'm here. You guys helped I my darkest hours 3 years ago. I quit a toxic job and got help with your support. I don't even know what I need or want right now. I'm just overwhelmed and numb. Money is such an issue. It's the root of our problems. I don't love my job but it keeps me safe, it's somewhat flexible and helps with our debts. It's the festive season and I don't want to go out, buy gifts or anything. I don't know what's wrong with me? I just want to feel joy around me....and I can't.

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

A lot of what you have said in this thread resonates with me. For instance I too had wanted to have everything taken out of my control by having a fatal illness. It's not something peculiar to just you and me either. Those great pressures to act as if one was fit and well are simply overwhelming at times.

Of course with that feeling of wanting it to stop goes guilt, even more than you are feeling already.

I guess we have both fallen into a trap, though I am now out of it and in a much better place, able to do the things I need, plus loving as well as being loved.

You have had a long part of your life with anxiety and depression, and that is a very real illness, and pushes one into a state where many things are simply not possible.

The trap is to judge yourself as if you were well. If you had a broken leg you would not expect yourself to do everyday tasks, it is no difference with a mental illness, you simply can't do things, and yet sadly feel very guilty - and frustrated.

In that dark place the world does shrink down until you see nothing but all the problems and wonder if there will be any improvement in the future -you cannot see how.

All the good things in your life, the love of your family, a job and all the rest simply do not apply, so thinking you have these as advantages and you 'should' feel better as a result is part of that trap. They realy make no difference except to pile on more guilt.

There is hope, I'm an example, from a suicidal mess with depression, anxiety and other problems to where I am now. I would never have believed that was possible, but I have.

You are doing better than you realize, with making appointments for medical help, and keeping that job, and most importantly being loved. Plus seeking comfort here too with those that understand

Please, rather than expecting to do all the things you may think important, with Christmas and visitors and household chores - setting yourself up for failure as you simply are not capable of it all

Instead try to concentrate on little things, getting up, doing the minimum, each thing accomplished is a small victory in itself. You may be surprised how successes help.

Please also try to find something to make yourself feel good, if only for an instant, a food, music, books, walking outside, - I do not know what you have enjoyed, you do - if you can remember, and if not ask your hubby.

You can get though this time, people love you

I hope you would like to talk some more

Croix

[Apollonia]

God bless you, Croix

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

Thank you for your reply, it makes me feel great to be appreciated like that.

I guess that you are very much appreciated to by your husband, parents , kids and freinds too. That does not just happen by itself you know. You must be a lovely person to have others feel that way about you.

Perhaps at the moment they may be able to see the real you better than you can yourself.

I can understand your worry over bringing those kids up, now on the verge of adulthood, however consider this:

Kids brought up in easy street, plenty of money, parents that never face hard times, and generally been insulated from the realities of life. How are they going to react when things tax them later on?

Your kids have the wonderful advantage of loving parents - who love and support each other too, plus grandparents who give support as well. OK, so finances are shaky, and you are not able to do a fair number of tasks you think you should. Life is not perfect!

So your kids already have an introduction to hassles and will be better able to cope with ones that will inevitably appear in their lives. All of your family - including especially you - are an example of how things should be and how difficulties take their toll, coping skills and support come to the fore.

At one point in my life I had a medical condition, a spot on a lung, and it was on the cards I had the big C - having been a heavy smoker all my life. I survived however it made me think a lot - priorities, duties and importance in particular, and I've even remembered some of it:)

Xmass presents, preparations, decorations, fancy food and a whole raft other other things are simply not important.

When you come right down to it you find it is people, relationships, kindness and love that are the worthwhile things. so please simply give what you can and accept that at the moment that is all you have to offer - it will work out fine.

There are no weighing-scales in relationships. Presents and all material things do not tip the balance at all when feelings are genuine.

At one stage when my PTSD, Depression and anxiety were at their worst I made my wife a cup of tea, a complete momentary change from my angry and resentful self. It was more than appreciated, it showed inside I still cared. The smallest thing - even just a quick kiss - can count for an awful lot.

I've not been able to find your posts from 3 years ago -sorry. I'm glad we were there for you. Do you remember anything that helped you at the time?

Croix

[Apollonia]

My post from 3 years ago would've related to my last job and a combination of recovering from spine surgery, opioid medication with a gaslighting boss. I ended up in our garage contemplating ending it....while my boys were handing my beautiful husband their Father's Day gift....I called BEYOND BLUE instead. And I'll never forget the look on my husband's face when he found me on the phone crying and I told him who I was talking to.

I know I've come along and I've survived a number of challenges.

My Dr called to me say my recent tests and scans were normal....but when he asked if there was anything else...I said that will be all, instead of:

- why do I often feel spaced out and overwhelm a lot of the time?

- besides gastric bypass surgery, how can I lose the necessary weight to improve my health (30kgs at least) when I feel zero motivation at all

I said..that'll be all. He had given me a referral for a psychiatrist. I tried once to get through and left it at that.

I know I need help but it's going yo take motivation to fit thi hs dine and I just don't know have. Last night with my girlfriends of 30 years, they're talking about when they're preparing food for Xmas or what products works best in the bathroom...U don't do any of it. I don't live in squalor because helps a bit. But I don't cook and clean like a 47yo wife and mother should raised in the Italian family I was in. I'm not being hard of myself - it's a fact.

I spend far too much time feeling sorry for myself and on my phone.

I am dangerously overweight and incompetent around the house,and kitchen. Xmas Day is going to be torture for me. Every year, I have lunch with inlaws and dinner with my parents. This year my sister from Melb is here after years of covid restrictions....I should've hosted both families at my house. And I didn't because I felt I couldn't and now on Xmas Day my beautiful sister and family will be waiting till I get there at dinner.

I know changes start with me.

I know I loved, supported and safe.

I can articulate my feelings with loved ones and feel heard

I just don't know what is wrong with me.

I want to lose weight

I want to fill most of my spare cooking or baking instead of aimlessly on my phone

I want to look forward to social Interactions i stead of hoping somethings going to happen to cancel it

I need help with these 3 things! I know it. But everything requires effort and where's the motivation.

Every1 in my life deserves a better version of me.

[Isabella_]

It resonated with me when you said that you have to be a better version of yourself for those around you.. I think it starts with being the best version of yourself for yourself which arguably is much harder.

Motivation is a tricky one. When I think about needing to do assignments and procrastinating with studies when I'm in a poor headspace.. It seems like a super distant thing completely out of my reach that I seem to be waiting on. Depression quite literally strips all desire and motivation as you know, and everything seems incredibly difficult.

One thing I've had to learn is that motivation won't arrive, it doesn't seem to be something that comes to you unless you make the journey to do it. It seems the more we avoid things the more we dread them, the more draining of our energy they become. In my studies, my brain tends to think of the bigger picture.. Good grades = a good job/success, etc etc. But it doesn't matter when it comes down to it.. Because when I think that way it becomes too overwhelming. I get frustrated with myself that I can't do the little things to meet the bigger goal, be who I want to become. I catastrophise it in my brain and it's a ridiculously hard habit to break.

I guess in my brain, the way motivation is conceptualised is unrealistic and very frustrating, because it seems that I have to force myself to do things even if it isn't there, and my brain learns that it isn't as draining as I think it to be, and motivation arrives for me that way.. The dreading and contemplating and sense of failure is the draining bit.. Not the task itself at times. I'm sure you can relate to that in some way..

Discipline in my mind is more important than motivation.. From the sounds of it, you have the tangible motivations in front of you, your husband, family, health - but you're lacking the feeling of being motivated, when I suppose it isn't a feeling worth waiting for because it doesn't arrive very easily unfortunately.. Change begins with discomfort and falling down, 'the point' being unimportant and unattainable.. But I think most importantly, it's just doing things bit by bit, the smallest of things and working upwards.

It's so much easier said than done.. Maybe you'll never feel ready to make changes or motivated, and that's okay. The more I started changing how I think about my feelings of dread and the things making me procrastinate as simply just deterrences manifested by depression and anxiety, the more I could learn to ignore them..

[Isabella_]

I'm sorry for the long ramblings haha. I have some questions.. You don't have to answer them if I'm being too nosey.

I know that you have goals for who you want to be, and that's amazing. There's a lot you know you have to do and change and it's a great thing that you recognise that.. Starting is the hardest part.

I'm curious.. When it comes to chores around the house, seeing your friends/family, the things you want to do that you're finding really difficult.. What goes through your mind and what happens before doing these things, thinking about them?

Do you decide to procrastinate, and as a result feel guilt/overwhelm from all the things you have to do, and you start to feel stuck? Do you feel discouraged at the thought or before trying to begin a task like cleaning the kitchen, etc?

Do you find it easier to procrastinate and avoid these things.. Or are you reaching a point where you're left feeling down and tired of not being able to do what you need to?

[Apollonia]

Don't apologize for rambling...I mustve been on a roll when I first replied to you because I went beyond the maximum number of characters!!!

So, I'll try and be more logical and less emotional and reply to you one at a time.

Qhem it comes to chores around the house, sometimes I don't where to start and then I tell myself to just focus on one area. It helps when I out headphones on and listen to a podcast and can get thru a whole task. Without it, it's almost like I'm talking myself out of the effort be absent I have chronic pain, it'll take too long and it won't be long before it gets messed up again. I look at a pile of folded clothes and know they either have to be ironed or put away. It's not a big deal but the pile could stay there till it's in someone's way.

I use to feel more guilty before, cry about it,and call myself lazy and I was opioid medz for pain and post surgery so I could've given myself a kind of a pass. But now I just don't feel anything....until the doorbell rings and I'm flustered that someone is going to enter the house.

I do feel good when qw all pitch in and the house looking respectable. And fir the first couple of days I make sure we're all picking up after ourselves so the general daily mess is manageable but most of the time...if if makes sense...I just dont wanna "adult"today.

Sometimes I wish my husband would scold at me, lighting a fire under my butt and getting me motivated that way. But of course, what a ridiculous remedy to entertain.

I sit in the couple of people my age, sharing recipes, prepping food for Xmas...and I'm doing nothing. And it should've been me hosting Xmas.

once upon a time I was the life of the party, the hostess with the mostess. I dunno, maybe it was the combination of daily cocktail of prescribed medz and working for a soul destroyer man that's madw me a shell of a person. I left there in January and I'm in a safer workplace, and it's been hard adjusting to such a thing...where you're mentored and not humiliated and ask for help and not be judged.

I'm only realizing after 10 months at this,safe job, that I have been healing...weening the toxicity in my soul from the last 8 years.

I have to believe in the people that see me more in me than I do. Just sometimes it scares me a little that I feel nothing, no butterflies, no tugged heart strings when I'm with my family. I only pray that they're feeling something from me coz they deserve to feel loved and appreciated. I just feel disconnected n faking it

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

I'm glad Isabella_ has been talking wiht you and you are able to explain you feelings, that's great and Isabella_ has a lot of sense.

Going back to what you said I'm not sure it really needs to be a case of your husband scolding you or some other thing that gives you the impetus to do things you perceive as needed, or for things to be taken out of your hands as we discussed before.

Forgive me if I digress for a moment. When I was still in my job before being invalided out my anxiety and other problems made my inbuilt perfectionism go wild. There would be may times where I would labor over something to try for perfection, taking far too much time for ever decreasing gains, and then I'd find there were other things I shuld have done but had completely having spent all my time already.

So they did not get done.

This was a sort of circle, the harder I tried in fact the less I accomplished until I reached the stage where everything became impossible and the effect overwhelming. -so I did nothing or very little. I too though of motivation, but there was no room in me for that, in fact motivation was the wrong approach - irrelevant in fact.

As an aside I lost contact with myself to the extent I was numb and went through the motions wiht friends and family, even though there was nothing inside me - or so I thought.

The right approach, the one that got me where I am now, was less pressure (i.e. that job no longer there ), therapy and meds combined wiht family support. Not an easy time or a quick fix, wiht downs at times, but doable.

It can be hard to accept that support, particularly if one does not feel deserving.

You have in your posts shown the high standards you expect

"I don't cook and clean like a 47yo wife and mother should" plus a lot more besides. Maybe you have the perfectionism I had and have reached the stage I did, or similar to it.

Isabella_ did mention "But I think most importantly, it's just doing things bit by bit, the smallest of things and working upwards" which sounds pretty wise to me, multiple small victories rather than setting your self up for great failures attempting the currently impossible.

My feelings returned, including my love for those I loved before, I see no reason why that cannot happen to you too in time wiht the proper support. As your family knows you deserve it and are worth it.

Croix

[Apollonia]

I've gotten better and taming my anxious thoughts. For example...I feel guilty that I'm working thru Xmas break when my Melb family are finally able to cross the border with us and also feel bad I'm not hosting Xmas lunch instead...having lunch with my inlaws then dinner at my mums where my sister is staying.

But here's the thing. They're up here from Dec 23rd to Jan 5th. Of the 14 days, we'll be together 9 days and I'll be swinging by at night after work.

As for Xmas lunch, yes it would've made sense to have it at my house with both my inlaws and family but I'm working from home, specifically, in the dining room and the pressure expectation for Xmas lunch is way more than hosting NYE which I'd rather offer. BUT! My mum is an extraordinary cook and she can't wait to spoil her grandkids with her home-cooked love so my sister will be fine. We will just make a bigger fuss on Xmas Eve and exchange gifts at midnight.

As for not being a confident cook, with all the Italian feeds mums going to be cooking every night they xan enjoy Asian take out or pizza when they come to my place.

And as for planning outings and the like, the truth they've just survived the longest lockdown of any city in the world! They're not keen to be going out with these rising covid numbers.

So yes sometimes I can reason my anxiety...Im grateful I have this platform to air put everything in my head. I had a sleepless night and felt low and a complete waste of space.

Come what may...my sister is going be happy with any time we spend together and she has a lot of people she wants to catch up with. I don't have to be present every day for her.

Just have to take it one day at a time...and I have to ask my husband for help. Just let him in that I'm feeling overwhelmed and I can't think straight and need help planning.

Be more kind to my mind. Save it from dark places it finds so quickly! It starts with a "Oh, I should've done it better..." and snowballs into "IVE RUINED IT FOR EVERYONE!"

I know what I need to do to feel better but I'm lying in bed in my pjs, dreading to start the day. My chest starts to tighten just thinking about how much am I going to get done today and how much more needs to be done still. And then I tell myself, shut up and be grateful that you get to give another crack at Life today. Just do better. Not all at once. Just acknowledge any wins today rather than focus on the negative.

First win...get up and start the day.

[Croix]

Dear Apollonia~

Your post, even though getting up is hard, is a very sensible one, and you have a pretty balanced idea of what is possible, and also realise that it is going to work out fine.

It's a bit of a triumph to see things that way rather than the catastrophic "IVE RUINED IT FOR EVERYONE!", something that can be hard to steer away from at times.

I loved your saying "Just have to take it one day at a time...and I have to ask my husband
for help. Just let him in that I'm feeling overwhelmed and I can't think
straight and need help planning."

When I look back on parts of my life I really wish I'd had the sense to say the equivalent.

Doing better will come of it's own accord in time, it did for me. In the meantime aim for what you know you have done/can do and see what develops.

Frankly I think after feasting on rich Italian food an Asian take-away might be more than just appreciated.

I hope your work over Christmas will be OK and leave you with energy for other things.

Croix