OVERWHELMED AND NUMB

Apollonia · ‎04-12-2021

I have come a long way since struggling anxiety and depression but that low feeling us almost like a drug that I keep craving. I am blessed with an amazing husband, 2 great kids, parents that do far too much for me for their ailing age and have had the same friend circle for decades. I have so many reason to be grateful and feel blessed and yet I feel no genuine joy. I don't cook like I use to. I'm not a homemaker like I should be. I'm just always on the couch infant if the TV. I see things that need to be done round the house but don't know where to start. I'm ashamed to say that I fantasies about being diagnosed with something that I can blame this feeling on. Then feel bad for being so selfish to put my loved ones through that. I just feel like I can't "adult" sometimes. I hear what married friends did during the day....prepare meals, declutter the house, build a shed...and I feel like I'm failing as a wife and parent and not setting a good example for my kids. I've been in and out of therapy all my life but decided to get a referral for a psychiatrist. I've heard women in their 40s are getting diagnosed with ADHD now. My son has it and reading up on it made me think...I thought this was all normal behavior...maybe I can get the help I finally need (or maybe I'm still fishing fir something to be wrong with me so I can blame it on that!) I don't even feel comfortable being here. I feel ashamed and selfish. Yet I keep writing. I feel alone in a room full of loved ones. I feel unworthy sharing a bed with a man who has proven 100 times he loves me unconditionally. I read self help books. I do daily affirmations. But the slightest spanner in the works and I just want to quit my job and be alone. But I can't afford to. I'm turning 47 and I feel I have nothing to show for it but giving up and taking advantage of loved ones' help. My boys are in their late teens and I feel I haven't prepared then for the real world. I don't know why I'm here. You guys helped I my darkest hours 3 years ago. I quit a toxic job and got help with your support. I don't even know what I need or want right now. I'm just overwhelmed and numb. Money is such an issue. It's the root of our problems. I don't love my job but it keeps me safe, it's somewhat flexible and helps with our debts. It's the festive season and I don't want to go out, buy gifts or anything. I don't know what's wrong with me? I just want to feel joy around me....and I can't.

Isabella_ · ‎04-12-2021

Hey there,

Thanks for opening up on here. I can see you're in a lot of pain and feeling really stuck right now.

I want you to know that the voice in your head telling you that you're looking for a diagnosis as an excuse for what you're feeling/how you're acting sounds like it's influenced by the stigma of "people with mental health issues are selfish and use it for attention".. or "I'm not sick I just need to get over it", "I'm just ungrateful and lazy". I could be wrong, but it does sound like you're dismissing a potential mental health issue based on some very real stigmas in our world.. I've been guilty of that based on what I've heard and what people have said to me.

Shame around mental health issues is soooo engrained and unconscious.. It's a broader social thing and it isn't your fault.. We've been conditioned to believe that mental health issues even today are so taboo and as a result so many people blame, isolate and invalidate themselves and don't get treated.

I hope you can come to a place where you can acknowledge that, you aren't making this pain up, and you deserve to be able to feel involved and appreciative of the great things in front of you, and not feel like you're floating through watching it happen unable to feel. You aren't ungrateful. You just aren't in a place mentally where those feelings can come naturally to you and perhaps there are some more issues deep down that need to be dealt with.

Recovering from anxiety and depression is never linear... It can be lifelong. As you've said you've been in and out of therapy, and it's amazing that after researching ADHD you feel like you fit the criteria, because it means you can get some answers that will help you understand yourself a bit more. And that's a massive win. ADHD is one of those things likely inherited from parents, and same with Autism, women are veeerrry unrepresented in those diagnoses.

I can see you're feeling really lonely and that money is a big stress for you right now. You feel that you aren't a good parent or wife and you haven't set up your children for adulthood.. That must feel really painful. I know you want to feel joy again.. I know that you're capable of that one day.

And hey.. you don't have to know what you're here for or what you want. I'm just glad you shared this today instead of carrying it on your own shoulders alone.. I imagine you've been doing that for some time. I may not know you, but I care and I hear your pain. I'm here to chat if you need it ❤️

Apollonia · ‎04-12-2021

That made me well up a bit....and exhale. Your words wrapped around me like a comforting hug. I appreciate you for making me feel seen and heard. Thank you.

Isabella_ · ‎04-12-2021

No of course, that's what this place is for ❤️

I hope you're managing to take care of yourself in some small ways, they all count.

How have you been feeling today?

Apollonia · ‎04-12-2021

I managed to do tick a couple of things off my checklist and then I just wanted to rest and I did. I ordered pizza for dinner, too. An expensive exercise but can think straight sometimes and putting dinner together is overwhelming. I'm hoping to go out to shops tomorrow eith husband and kids. I can't go on my own. Thanks again for your words

Petal22 · ‎04-12-2021

Hi Apollonia,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im really sorry you are feeling this way.

Joy…….. I’m really sorry you are unable to feel this at this moment but you will feel it again really you will.

I use to feel this way it wasn’t a very nice feeling……. I just wanted to feel like me again before I went through severe anxiety OCD….. I felt very overwhelmed with everything.

It took time but thanks to the professional help that I received I’m now back in that joyful place… and I’m now a newer stronger version of me.

How did I get my joy back? I did therapy that taught me how to break free of the vicious cycle I was in. I also learned to change my perspective on things and perceptions.

I learned to challenge my thoughts

I learned to wake up in the morning and think straight away of all the things I was grateful for .

I do everything out of LOVE

I go for walks outside and I really practice being present…. I really look at my world in wonder and I tell myself how grateful I am to see a blue beautiful sky, the beautiful coloured flowers I get to breathe in the fresh air….. I choose to see my life as a miracle every day and I’ve learned to tap into joy……..

You are full of purpose, I believe that every human being on this planet has a purpose even if it’s to be loving and understanding to ourselves and others …….. your a beautiful wife and mother.

Have you been able to speak to your gp about the way you are currently feeling?

My gp also put me on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety.

Please try to be kind to yourself.

Do you have anything that you like to do for you?

I understand it’s hard at the moment but things will get better for you.

Apollonia · ‎05-12-2021

I have a referral to see a psychiatrist from gp but dpubt I'll get in to see one anytime soon. I'm reading a good book on bring present, manifesting postive thoughts ...so.etimes it resonates with me...sometimes I'm just reading words and not connecting. I have a job that allows me a lot of flexibility and yet I don't use it. I'm working from home, I could pick up things during the day, tidy the house but I don't. My job is affected covid lickdiwn a lot of people didn't return to work. So what once was a job that helped people has become a job that now inconveniences lives. And I know it's put of my control and management have good about it. But I still want out and then what? What other job will be there be where I'm working at home or close to it and have the flexibility to do what I want. I struggling to appreciate how good I have it at times. It's like I'm expecting a Lotto win to be the only resolution to my problem.

Isabella_ · ‎05-12-2021

I'm glad to hear that. I know it's easy to feel guilt for being tired if you don't feel like you've necessarily been productive.. But it's great that you're listening to what your mind and body is telling you. Depression and anxiety is exhausting.. Constantly being in fight or flight, a lot of mental and physical fatigue. The flexibility of working from home is amazing but I think it has its own set of issues, like the lack of work/home separation, more pressure to self motivate and so on. But of course.. it sounds like you don't like your job for many more reasons and of course that would make it much harder to be motivated.

I'm glad you've gotten a referral for a psychiatrist. I really hope the wait times aren't long.. Perhaps it might be helpful to look for some alternative resources or backups in the mean time. It sounds like you're practicing self care by reading books and learning..

One day at a time. ❤️

Apollonia · ‎17-12-2021

I'm struggling this morning. I just cannot feel any job. My melb family is coming up for Xmas after 2 years of missed ones and I haven't prepared for it. House is I. Amess, no shopping for Xmas presents or new clothes. I have a Xmas party tomorrow morning and one at night and I'd rather not go to either. It's hard to feel the way I do when you have a wonderful husband and amazing sons. I don't want to drag them down with me but I don't have the energy to build up my spirits and share joy with them. I know I have no reason to be withdrawn from the world and loved ones...I just can't find joy in anything. I love my family but I don't feel like hugging them, spending time with him...I just feel like a shell of a person pretending to feel all the things. My psychologist is on leave and no word from psychiatrist though haven't really pursued it. Had yo have mri and an ultrasound this week and part of me wants bad news....anything to justify my lack of response to life and loved ones right now.

Sophie_M · ‎17-12-2021

Hi Apollonia,

We're really glad you see this space as somewhere where you can reach out and share these kinds of experiences. We are so sorry to hear that you have been feeling so low lately and have been struggling to find motivation. We are here to support you through this. Our members are here to support you too.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.