Over-stimulating the Senses - Addiction to Adrenaline and Beta Endorphins?

[Just Sara]

Hi all;

I've been self assessing for a long time now, and have come across an habitual need to stimulate myself with dysfunctional thoughts that prop me up or give a perception I'm not small or insignificant at all; feeling powerful and a winner.

On the flip side, I've also had thoughts that bring me down (too big for my boots) causing a 'normal' feeling of being average or small/insignificant...safe from ridicule or punishment.

We've all had those fantasies of kicking the winning goal or standing on a podium with trophy in hand sucking up the acclaim and cheers from the crowd. But what if those fantasies turned into yelling at someone until they were on their knees leaving you feeling pumped and superior? Or maybe getting in between parents to fend off upcoming violence and be the hero?

Isolating myself has turned my world inward where I play out the day in my head. This is where I've been living and getting to be on top, or berate myself into submission.

The other noticeable factor is the adrenaline or beta endorphin rush I can have from this; undetected until recently due to the normality of 'feeling' this way.

Looking for a discussion peep's...your thoughts?

Sara

[Cornstarch]

Hey Sara,

Just so I can clarify and avoid saying the wrong thing, can I just confirm some biography. There are so many awful stories of abuse on here I get some people's muddled if I'm not feeling sharp like today?

Is this the guy that assaulted you, or your 1st love?

Corn Fritters

[Just Sara]

Hey Wishful...I didn't see your post earlier. Thanks for the welcome back!

Hi Corny;

Before I was 2, I lived with my grandparents (my grandfather and 2nd wife) and two son's along with my mum's family. The 2 boys were like my brothers. (actually 1/2 blood uncles) Ergo the term; pseudo brother.

The 3 of us were really close until I was 18 when he visited me. My boyfriend and I had just 'been' with each other and I think my uncle knew. He stopped visiting after that.

He saved me from my mum and dad, and took me away. I still think of those times.

Anyway, the pattern I uncovered pointed to this early relationship and situation. That's all. It might not be important to others, but it holds power for me.

Sara xo

[Cornstarch]

Of course it does Sara, he would have been your knight in shining armour at one stage. As you say, he swooped down and made you feel special, clearly you weren't feeling special in other areas of your life and this would have felt really powerful. All teenage romances are very 'heady' things you never forget, I was 14 when I had my 1st female lover and I will never forget it. Awkwardly she is still friends with my sister, married to a guy with kids and a mortgage. Whoops.

With social media these days have you ever been tempted to track him down?

[Just Sara]

I do see him Corny, but the effort is always on my part. I guess for me it's the pattern that's important. Seeking out people who I want to 'save' me ends up with similar outcomes. That's the point I was making. I'm changing the way I deal with prospective partners as well as my focus. I don't need saving anymore, and this takes a heap of pressure off me.

I never really understood why the attraction was so strong until now. Knowing this, I can identify characteristics prior to engaging. But more-so identify my own behaviour and responses to change future situations.

I'd like to add to the 'adrenaline' discussion with some insight from today. I'll do it tomorrow I think. My mind isn't quite what I'd like it to be.

Cheers...Sara xoxo

[Cornstarch]

Oh right I didn't realise he was still around. Maybe in some ways that kind of makes it worse, or at least harder having the constant reminder there.

No, you don't need saving anymore Sara you have done marvellously to get through it all, and largely as a sole parent. I salute you women. Your son is so lucky to have such an attentive, available parent to look out for him. You've identified energies of old ways of relating to yourself and to the world. Do you know how many people can't even make it that far?

I am just as guilty as charged. For me, I feel like the internal subconscious drives of 'saving' are actually double edged for Corn. Of course, with what happened to me I can see how I could form reactive attachments with people I assume could save me. But alternately, because of my dear old Mums horrible fate and the domestic violence I witnessed and was subjected to, I can see in my subconscious that if I am not careful I am at risk of my attachments being to people that I want to save. I couldn't save my Mum so there's that childhood wound that desires healing, and no-one bothered saving me, or at least was not attuned enough to me to notice anything was terrible wrong So of course that wound wouldn't have minded a little soothing ointment either.

But I am really proud of myself and how far I have come in this regard. A women from my past has contacted me recently, we hooked up when she was on a break from an abusive partner, but she went back to the lifestyle. Over the course of their relationship they'd broken up and got back together so many times that they became one of those tedious couples that we all know and become weary of. Her partner was controlling and domineering and that is being very polite. She became completely under the thumb and socially isolated. Even though she really hurt me by going back I tried to be an adult about it and remain friends, but she only ever contacted me when they were fighting. I had enough and said no more! You are using me as a crutch because I am a kind listening ear to the Dyke Drama because you don't have the courage to end it. Her self esteem by this stage was as tall as an ant. I cut the cord completely, deleted everything, got rid of her out of my life. That would have been maybe roughly 4/5 years ago. Apparently they have finally split and sold the house and she has contacted me. But I ain't a fool and I ain't sloppy seconds to no one.

[Just Sara]

Your description of the above is eloquent; sad...

I felt it as I read. Speaking of attachments...I can't say I've ever met anyone like you C-girl, what idiot would leave an opportunity to be with pure grace, to go back with a mobster? I'm sad for you...or maybe I'm just sad.

It isn't often I cross paths with such intelligence and expression. You've woo'd me with words so many times lovely. You deserve wondrous passion and joy; bountiful love. Sending it to you as I write...

We of the ever-ever...peaceful warrior's; wolf women; femme-fatal mavericks. Rainbow dreams washing away the muck..cleansing your soul science, trembling hands and bated breath...scent of a woman...

Good night lovely...Sara xoxo

[Cornstarch]

You're terrible at flattery Sara.

She was a lovely, soft, gentle kind person who found herself in an abusive lesbian relationship with a deeply insecure, controlling unfriendly person, but who gave her financial security. Her partner is an extremely cold person, she was not affectionate at all and she loathed my friends softness. We all get jealous and feel threatened by who else our partner may be attracted to but hers was off the scale. Her relentless insults chipped away at the softness and she quite literally changed my friends personality. When you're with someone for 11 years and are constantly appeasing them and they are very aggressive about it, you can morph and replicate their world view, and gradually become like them. Lesbian's are notorious for 'merging'. It's really sad.

But you know what, she's an adult. They broke up every other week, constant fights, they only socialised with people her partner was not threatened by. Lots of people walked away, gave up and we simply stopped bothering to contact her because we all began to feel used when it suited their mood or they needed support with drama. There were gaping holes of intimacy in their relationship. Sometime later when a lot of my hurt had subsided she told me that the experience with me scared the absolute crap out of her.

But you know what she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. And that's precisely what it was.

I'm feeling very symptomatic too Sara and am gonna sign off for a while. I am back on that camping trip it seems in a state of terror, I have to get my arousal down somehow. Yesterday I could feel an 'episode' coming on. I went for a hot run in the morning but still that wan't enough. So I broke into my Aunties unit who is on holidays, stole her car and drove up to Avalon and just walked all day until my feet were aching and I could walk no more. Then I sat in traffic for 2hrs.

Love youse' all n that I'm sure I'll chat to you before Christmas.

Scared Corn xxxxxxxxx

[SourceShield]

Hey Corny,

...just popping in to write...

Stay safe.

Know that you are loved and accepted.

MuchKindness&Compassion

[Just Sara]

Look out for yourself lovely C Girl;

You're precious to us here. Symptoms don't define you...Self insight, knowledge...the force is strong in this one...

Use the force Corny...stay safe...run the gauntlet with guts and glory.

(((I am so good at flattery...you rock!!)))

Holding my breath until you return to us...Luv ya...Sconnor xoxoxoxoxo

[Starwolf]

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on ...F. Roosevelt, I think.

Love and a cyber hug.