Over-stimulating the Senses - Addiction to Adrenaline and Beta Endorphins?

[Just Sara]

Hi all;

I've been self assessing for a long time now, and have come across an habitual need to stimulate myself with dysfunctional thoughts that prop me up or give a perception I'm not small or insignificant at all; feeling powerful and a winner.

On the flip side, I've also had thoughts that bring me down (too big for my boots) causing a 'normal' feeling of being average or small/insignificant...safe from ridicule or punishment.

We've all had those fantasies of kicking the winning goal or standing on a podium with trophy in hand sucking up the acclaim and cheers from the crowd. But what if those fantasies turned into yelling at someone until they were on their knees leaving you feeling pumped and superior? Or maybe getting in between parents to fend off upcoming violence and be the hero?

Isolating myself has turned my world inward where I play out the day in my head. This is where I've been living and getting to be on top, or berate myself into submission.

The other noticeable factor is the adrenaline or beta endorphin rush I can have from this; undetected until recently due to the normality of 'feeling' this way.

Looking for a discussion peep's...your thoughts?

Sara

[Cornstarch]

Oh thanks Wishful,

I struggle with compliments. I suppose that's one of the hardest things that is so sucky about trauma, even nice stuff is loaded.

A female creep used to give me a lot of compliments, so my brain goes into panic or shut down when I receive them.

My confidence has taken a big hit this year, I'm not feeling like I have much to offer. But then there is another part of me that knows that is just abuse solidified in my brain and not reality. So frustrating, I get so jealous of people that don't have busted brains.

Have you read and found yourself in Bessel's book? If I recall correctly you've experienced dissociation. If there's another book that will shatter the opioid fog that you are in for a few hours it'll be his. I have a feeling he is on Australia this month.

I feel terrible the Judith quote set off a domino effect with poor Sara 😞

[SourceShield]

Cornstarch said:

I struggle with compliments. I suppose that's one of the hardest things that is so sucky about trauma, even nice stuff is loaded.

---

I completely agree!

BUT.

Thats why I love platforms like BB.

We can accept the compliment, or not...and no one else has to know why, or if we have or havent.

We just dont have to reply!.

Unlike in face-2-face stuff, where our non-verbals just give us all away!

From my side of the fence, my primary agenda is my own health, right now.

But, I now get that because HEALTH is a holistic process - because we are not a segmented, or separated being.

The mind, and the body, and the emotions, and for some of us the spirit too, are all interconnected.

Health really means taking care of ones emotions, ones body and ones mind as one working bio-organic mechanism and entity.

And, connecting and reaching out, to our community is vital for our overall health!

So much research has gone into how we can track the improvement of ones health, and the correlation of feeling a part of a community.

Trust and goodwill, as it turns out, is important to all of us...deep down!

But we have become less 'tribal', and more suburban.

We now have terrorist threats...and in this country too, so its real for most people on this planet now.

We are a lot more fearful as a species.

And, now we have the internet.

Its a tool.

Neutral.

Some use it for some not so great stuff, but for those of us...like myself.

Isolated but oddly content at the same time.

Stuck in a kinda-rut, but we still have our aspirations and goals.

Lonely but skeptical.

Trust...what's that?

Platforms like BB, give some of us enough 'community' time.

In the safety of my own home.

My Wolfie by my side!

And, when I feel that a genuine compliment has been given, I am learning to accept it too.

Graciously.

So I get it Starchy!

Also, the way we give compliments is also improved because we understand the complete value.

I feel thats the same for most of us here.

So, when we say that you're amazing, CornStarch.

It's true!

We mean it.

No other agenda but that.

Learning to trust again has to start some time, right?

And, we're safe here at BB.

MuchLove

p.s.

I aint Sara - OBVIOUSLY -

But, I reckon that she doesn't blame you at all, for how she is feeling atm.

But I could be wrong.

Wouldnt be the first time.

Its probably MY fault for rambling on about adrenal fatigue!

***PUTS HIS LEFT FOOT IN HIS MOUTH...AGAIN***

BlessUps

[SourceShield]

Thats come out looking like one whole quote!

D'oh!

Ahhh well.

[1113]

Hi all,

Just popped my head in here and it exploded!!!!!! It would take me a year to catch up. But from speed reading i can feel love expression and generally people getting people.

This thread is evolution at its core.

What an amazing sight

Six

[Wilma1]

Cornstarch, I've been feeling terrible for Sara too, it seems to come from unexpected places.. I hear you regarding compliments, I'm hopeless at it as well. The aftermath of abuse.

Yes the dissociation is well and truly part of life for me. Once I finally came to grips with it, and ignored the dramatic movies and documentaries, quietly I got on with it, in my own way.

I have a good book at the moment Dissociative identity disorder sourcebook by Deborah bray haddock. You may have heard of it. Very straight forward, no dramas, which is a plus from me.

Well no compliments today. Have a good day is as far as it goes. Wishful

[Cornstarch]

Hey Sara,

I was reminded yesterday of this thread after hearing about the unfolding of some toxic, drama filled lesbian relationships back in the town that I used to live. Sorry to rain on the passionate cause of marriage equality but some lesbians seem to be taking gay 'pride' a little too literally and are too proud to admit their relationship has not worked.

Grief has been stirred up in your heart reading the prior quotes and I was thinking about the self-blame that women go through once they've exited a relationship that was ruled by a domineering, controlling partner. It appears that in lots of ways they are more self-critical than us, because they'd perceived themselves as strong, capable and resilient, and not similar to people like you and me. They scrutinise their own character flaws with a tooth comb, or they flip the other way into justification that their partners pain out shone everyone else's and we are all just blind, stupid or 'don't understand'.

I love the part of the book where Judith discusses the 'type' of person that finds themselves in abusive relationships;

'In domestic battering situations, where victims are entrapped by persuasion rather than capture, research has also focused on the personality traits that may predispose a women to get involved in an abusive relationship. Here again there is no consistent profile of the susceptible women has emerged. While some battered women clearly have major psychological difficulties that render them vulnerable, the majority show no evidence of serious psychopathology before entering into the exploitative relationship. Most become involved with their abusers at a time of temporary life crisis or recent loss, when they are feeling unhappy, alienated or lonely...'

'While it is clear that ordinary, healthy people may become entrapped in prolonged abusive situations, it is equally clear that after their escape they are no longer ordinary or healthy'.

[Cornstarch]

Dr Bessel van der Kolk is in Sydney right now Sara, he came for you xx

[Just Sara]

Hey peep's!!

I'm ba-a-a-a-ck...

Firstly...Corn-syrup...you did not trigger me ok? It was my time...end of story! I missed you guys so much..but life needs balance yes?

Looking forward to getting back into the guts and glory.

Luv ya's...Sara xoxo

[Wilma1]

Hi Sara, good to see you back. Wishful

[Just Sara]

Morning Corny;

Thankyou for your last couple of posts to me; it was nice to read '..like you and me'. I found that kinda' nice to read that you think we have a commonality. I've warmed to your writing style I must say, it's lovely to come back after a few days and see your name and words waiting.

You're correct with the toxic relationship pre disposition stuff too. I guess it is about timing, damage and a lack of attributes such as confidence and self esteem/worth.

What you 'cut and pasted' bought home a very personal and raw pattern that's contributed to my choice of partners over the last 15 yrs, maybe longer. The emphasis being on the relationship with my wonderful pseudo brother. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

It's still there, but not so raw now. I'm sure you can relate to the fantasy of being 'saved' at a time when life was unbearable. Well I was; at 14 he came out of nowhere and swooped me up with his amazing love and protective strength and compassion, and took me away for a few weeks to my grandparents place. That peaceful, beautiful time full of routine and boundaries, became a 'default' for future relationships and where I wanted them to go. The problem arose with what happened 4 yrs later between us when I was 18; unknowingly of course an invisible and powerful belief that came to light last week.

Uncovering the situational stuff from what followed (at 18), took my breath away. I've been reliving what I thought was my fault and have suffered with guilt ever since. You see, he stopped coming to see me and hasn't attempted to since that night..nearly 40 yrs ago. It was so painful and bewildering, my young mind couldn't fathom why he would do that..it had to have been my fault right? So I buried it. Now my adult mind is able to undo the damage that belief caused.

I wasn't his little sister anymore..I'd grown into a woman, too quickly for him I'm assuming. It still hurts Corny; I've been choosing my knights in shining armour to swoop me away; take me to the land of milk and honey, then reject my womanhood and sexuality...and never come near me again. That's my ex in a nutshell.

When I'm rejected sexually, it rips through me like lightning. The anxiety and fear can be debilitating. I now know why...I'm not a little girl anymore and this is my pennants...Sara xoxo