Ostracised? whos fault is it?

[white knight]

I love clarity. Clarity leads to understanding leading to peace and progress.

I've long wanted clarity in my world of being ostracised. Three auto clubs in 25 years and all three end up ostracising me from their cliques that resemble predator vultures on a beach of insanity. Who's fault is this?

Based on the obvious that many of us have extreme behaviour in that some of our actions and words are outside the normal range of commoners we are seen as different, weird and many actions/words, as they originate from our own decisions there is someone that is obvious to blame- us. Clubs rely on character. "Joe is a top bloke because he's funny", "Mary is wonderful because she always cooks a slice and is the quiet type". "Tony is a trouble maker, always finding conflict". They often bandy around the word "family" to describe their group only to find at the cemetery gates who their real friends are.

And that leads me to a point. We the extreme ones have good points. We are usually extreme where it matters, kindness, compassion, loyalty. Whereas our toxicity is seen as- no fun to be with,weird,trouble maker,confused,quiet type or rowdy not in between,always talking about illness, meds and treatment.Clearly the negatives in many eyes outweigh the positives.

Who's fault is it? Well based on the phrase "forgive them for they dont know what they do" the masses can be forgiven IMO. Yes, most dont want to make effort to understand, accept and support us. It's too much work when all they want to do is have fun. A physical injury/disability of a member is in their face, they can easily and wantingly assist. But mental issues are too hard. Forgive them, yes we can, it isnt easy but it is the only way to move along in our word filled with enough troubles for us to balance in our daily lives.

What about us? If they are not to blame then we are to blame? We are to blame for inheriting an illness?Also for odd behaviour? And for our illness that engulfs us so much that we cannot stop mentioning it? We are to blame for our childhood? It's all our fault surely?

No it isnt. We are not at fault. We  are not one of "them" that fit in.And the harder you try to get in that inner core of popularity the worse the problem gets.You can sneek in though,if you are the very quiet type, speak little and smile a lot. I have a good friend that does that and he has deep depression.Members of two clubs.

So clarity of this is now clear. No one at fault. And forgive them for "they dont know what they do."

[white knight]

HI Kezza,

Am doing fine now. Blood clots are a scare.

In my case one two separate occasions in two different clubs, I was sent a similar message by private message "why dont you go to your doctor and get more medication you nutter".

How could any leader or committee allow such gutter talk with the sole intent of hurt? Well my behaviour was/is so out of line with the masses that they place the whole thing in a "too hard basket" and simply blame me. There is no room in a club for the likes of me.  In my latest club I know the organiser would happily take my resignation without question and he'd have a smile on his face. But I want to make it hard for him. I want him to call me to tell me I'm not fitting in and ask for me to leave. Such is my anger.

So sad that this organiser had a brother take his own life some 3 years ago. He had bipolar. Yet this man cant reach out enough to try to understand. And that speaks volumes.

But all three motoring club over many years isnt the end. A well paid council job saw me clash with bosses too when pressurised to favour a local politician. Was it better to say "ok, I will urn a blind eye to him parking in a disabled zone and not issue a fine" ...I mean what is the 'behind the scenes' protocol?? Are we expected to know what the grey area is in a society of black and white rules?  Where is the grey instruction book?

I have now accepted that some levels of mental illness finds you ostracised and it isnt our fault. We appear abrasive.  We are not one of 'them'. We wear a uniform of black and white while everyone else wears t-shirts of grey with the words printed on the front "do as I say or else"..

[NicoleP]

Hi WK

I am really sorry to hear about how people have treated you. It amazes me what people think they have a right to say to other people. I have had similar comments at my workplace - told to go and see a shrink. Is it only us who have the mental illness. I would suggest that people who are willing to say things like this also have issues but are not brave enough to admit they have one. 

Like you, my current workplace would love to get rid of me too. As my principal has said, "you are great at your job, you are a good teacher and the parents and kids love you but we (being him and one other teacher) don't like your personality. We know what you are like." I am now trying to decide whether to stay or go. I want to stay partly out of spite, partly cos it is an easy teaching job and partly cos I have to have him as a referee and don't want to ask him for anything. I guess like you, I want him to tell me to go.

Yes, we do seem to be quite alike

As always, I enjoy chatting with you. Glad to hear that you are doing well.

Kezza

[white knight]

Hi Kezza,

Can you say to your principle "I would resign if I had a reference. Without a reference and your dislike for my personality I havent a hope of getting another job."

It might spark him into being fair and reasonable to give you that support.?

As for others having their on issues I wrote a essay here called "And what's their mental illness"  You might want to search for that... couple of months ago. It's suggesting bullies, jealousy etc might be a form of MI.

Sometimes we can be a thorn in others sides. But that should be fixable. Instead, two people against one means they have each others support to condemn. Yes , then our pride takes a beating as they "win" by you leaving. Swallowing our pride isnt easy but it is moving forward after the step back.

If and when that happens time is the only real healer. It is important whatever you decide that you have no regrets. A survey of elderly people found recently that of all the things in life they had regret for....the top of the list was not being true to their beliefs. To make a stand when they didnt.  So that is yours to make. If you made that statement to your principle and he said he'd write a reference as a parting agreement then regrets might not be part of the long term equation?

[NicoleP]

Hi White Kinght

I just wrote a lengthy reply and it disappeared, so I am going to give it another go. Don't be too surprised if 2 replies magically pop up.

I think that I have decided to stick it out where I am at the moment. Your comment about being true to their beliefs probably reaffirms that decision. I don't believe that I have done anything significant enough to be forced out of my job and I think it is important in my self development to stay. If I run, they see that they are right, that they win. If I stay "Karen" has the ability to develop as a person. Funny thing is, when it comes to the physical stuff I am as tough as nails. I can run until I just can't lift my legs any more and can't take one more step and then do another 10km. I need that mindset when facing this.

I will look for that essay as I think it is exactly along the lines of what I am thinking. In actual fact, I strongly believe that the teacher I am having problems with, suffers from anxiety. She has to control everything, everything has to be done as she wishes, when she wants and how she wants it to be done - there is no compromise. Interesting.

KezzaA

[white knight]

Hi Kezza,

I wonder if this other teacher fits into the Christine Lawson - 4 character theory. Google witch hermit queen waif.   I was totally bamboosalled by my mothers behaviour until I found that theory. All 4 characters match her. A tyrant.

Yes, best to remain there for the time being. I wonder when you return if you had a big smile on your face and appeared happy (mask) would it be the best offence?

[NicoleP]

Hi White knight

i read the theory - very interesting and enlightening. Think she fits in with the witch. But (and there is always a but) whatever her issues, it is my reaction that causes me problems. The only thing I can do is manage my own behaviour and so that is what I am going to do.

Kezza

[white knight]

Hi Kezza,

Too right.  You have to keep your focus on yourself and your future. If this person fits into the "witch" character then all the more reason to keep safe distance.

Over time one gets to know those that fit the mould.

Tony