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Men isolated
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I'd like to hear from men. I want to know your inner feelings about anything that you feel isolated about. I'd like to know if you feel that the revolution towards equality of the sexes has gone too far to a point whereby you are feeling inferior to women or you feel women are being treated better in any way - just because you are a man.
Emotionally, are you feeling that you get enough support from females? Do you feel women are afraid to hug you to comfort you for any reason? like you'll take advantage of them? Do you have many female friends? Do you feel that women socialize better? What do YOU want socially?
Feel free, talk, let go of your restraints, take advantage of the anonymous environment to let yourself be heard. We can do this and be in error, that our presumptions are ill directed and unfair. It could be our own inapproachability for example that can sway women away from us when we need them most.
Are we misread? I know when I'm in conflict with someone I come across as a little aggressive or arguing in a normal male manner and that can portray someone that is not in need of support but is someone to avoid. NOTHING could be further from the truth.
So that's one gripe. I feel women don't pursue the friendship care far enough. Such limited care results in my feelings of isolation. I think I'm a "giver" apart from my supportive wife no woman supports me anywhere near the level I give to them. Is this an illusion? What do you think?
Two people. One a woman that enters a group, say a hobby group. She sits down and isn't feeling emotionally well. She is asked a question like "how is your day"? She burst into tears. The whole group of 10 ladies stand and hold her hand, hand on her shoulder, comforting and reassurance. She is not alone. They even ring her later and talk at length. The other person a middle aged male enters a motoring clubroom in his local town, his male friends restore cars and share drinks. He sits and realizes he was in no shape to attend. A guy asks him how his restoration is going. He is upset thinking about his car as due to his depression he hasn't been to his shed for weeks. He suddenly starts crying. The men, all of whom start to feel uncomfortable, mention a few things like" you'll get there don't worry". He is worried because he knows that half of the men there actually think he is a softy by crying, to stand clear of him because he has problems, to avoid him as it might upset their own happy day in the sun....
Tony WK
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Hi TonyWK and everyone reading or posting
Qualification: This isnt women bashing at all...just trying to understand a couple of things if thats okay 🙂
In my relationships I always found the 'silent treatment' and refusal to discuss any problems an absolute pain especially when I am doing my best to communicate and address a problem
TonyWK wrote in his opening post "I want to know your inner feelings about anything that you feel isolated about. I'd like to know if you feel that the revolution towards equality of the sexes has gone too far to a point whereby you are feeling inferior to women or you feel women are being treated better in any way - just because you are a man"
Just keeping TonyWK's excellent thread on topic...can anyone help explain the 'silent' treatment and what its meant to achieve?
I feel inferior when receiving the 'Silent treatment'....despite doing my best to communicate with my partner
My kindest always
Paul
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Thank you Paul for keeping Tony's discussion happening. It is important.
I don't use the silent treatment. Absolutely loathe it. There is nothing guaranteed to annoy me more.
My husband uses it occasionally and generally it is when he is angry at me for something but not ready to argue yet or hasn't organised his thoughts/feelings yet. He knows I'll prod until he yells. I'd rather get it out in the open and deal with it.
I think the silent treatment is an expression of power and control. As in "you're not worth my attention". As a kid I got this when I stuffed up. So I really hate being ignored. I'd rather be shouted at.
What does it achieve? It makes people uncomfortable. And they try to appease you just to make the uncomfortable feeling go away. Control. And power.
What do you think?
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Hi All,
Here is another aspect on "the silent treatment". For me being silent is retreating to a place where I feel safe and secure. It is a place where I do not have to face confrontation.
It is not about wanting to hurt someone else. It is about being scared stiff to open my mouth and say anything at all.
It may look like anger or denial. It can be a sense of sheer terror of feeling totally out of control and completely overwhelmed.
Cheers all from Dools
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I think the 'silent treatment' can have different forms & reasons as shown by Dools & Nats posts.
It is definitely used as a childish form of punishment. The message being' I think you are so horrible mean... that I will not speak to you until you change to suit me' Obviously this is a very damaging nasty position to take & very damaging to relationships.
Sometimes when I'm really upset, angry or confused I will retreat into myself. From the outside it appears the same as the previous example but the rational is different. In this case I'm thinking' I'm so upset, angry ... I don't know how to respond. If I speak I will explode &/or say the wrong things & make the situation worse. I'm really saying Give me some time to cool down so I can respond rationally.
For this second example I think it can be helpful to avoid inflaming situations further BUT only if you revisit the situation after cooling down & discuss the situation rationally with the other person. You cannot expect someone else to change if they don't know what upsets you.
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Hi Mrs D and Elizabeth,
I hadn't thought of the silent treatment as a retreat to cope Mrs D. That makes sense.
Elizabeth this resonates with me...
"If I speak I will explode &/or say the wrong things & make the situation worse. I'm really saying Give me some time to cool down so I can respond rationally."
That is my husband. I usually prod and poke and he explodes anyway but that is because if I let him calm down I don't get the full story. He edits to protect me.
And I don't need to be babied just because I feel depressed. It makes me feel more useless.
On another note... This is a thread FOR men about men's issues. I wonder why apart from Paul at the start of this page it's all us women talking again. It makes me wonder... Do men need a space JUST for men in order to feel safe to speak up and join in?
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Hi Quercus Dools and Elizabeth
Thankyou so much for helping men understand the 'Silent Treatment' as its emotionally painful to go through
Hi Quercus...thanks for your post...You mentioned " I think the silent treatment is an expression of power and control. As in "you're not worth my attention". As a kid I got this when I stuffed up. So I really hate being ignored. I'd rather be shouted at" This is what I originally thought silent treatment was.....
Hey Dools....I am learning all the time and have never looked at it from your point of view....thankyou! Dools mentioned "It is not about wanting to hurt someone else. It is about being scared stiff to open my mouth and say anything at all"
Hi Elizabeth...Always great to have your point of view...Elizabeth mentioned "It is definitely used as a childish form of punishment. The message being' I think you are so horrible mean... that I will not speak to you until you change to suit me' Obviously this is a very damaging nasty position to take & very damaging to relationships" Thankyou for your empathy re the topic Elizabeth and also for protecting your well being with " I'm so upset, angry ... I don't know how to respond. If I speak I will explode &/or say the wrong things & make the situation worse"
Its all good Quercus and thankyou for being understanding...I think TonyWK would be over the moon with the ladies responding on his thread! C'mon guys.....you are welcome here 🙂
My kind thoughts
Paul
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Hi Paul, Elizabeth, Quercus, and Everyone,
As a child my Dad was the one who used "silence Treatment" as a way of coping. I am not sure in which context. He would just shut down and not speak for a week.
My husband also uses the silent treatment on me, he will retreat to his office and not say a word all day. I don't push him to find out what is wrong. When I had asked him in the past, it had always been me who was in the wrong anyway.
I wished my first husband used the silent treatment, instead he used his fists and his hurtful words.
It seems there are many reasons why both males and females use silence.
Cheers all from Dools
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A friend of mine found out after his wife left that she had been telling others about things he had done to hurt her. Unfortunately no context was given to these accusations so people assumed he'd deliberately hurt her.In fact he had been doing things which would be considered normal in any healthy relationship but his wife never once told him how she was feeling. How is a husband to know his wife is feeling unwell or is still sore or uncomfortable a month or two following childbirth & doesn't want to be touched unless she tells him.
I imagine there are other couple out there experiencing the same thing. My point is:
- If you are unhappy with something your partner tell them clearly what needs changing rather than assuming they know how you feel or thinking they should be able to read your body language.
- If you suspect your partner is upset about something ask them Don't wit for them to tell you directly.
I suspect this occurs more often for men. Have any men reading this have any ideas to share to help others deal with this issue?
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To tell someone what needs to be changed rather than them believing or suspecting they know is an awful gamble because
Doesn't this mean that another false image is made out of what we are able to do?
If a marriage is only
Geoff.