Keeping my spirits up.

[ChrissyStar]

HI all, how are you? Great, I hope! I need somewhere to chat and keep connected to people....somewhere I can boast on my achievements to keep my spirits up and connect during the down times. I thought I would try here. Maybe I will number them for clarity.

1. I recently found myself stuck in front of the TV - for a very long time. It was a "safe" place where I could tune out and forget about my worldly problems. Of course this just meant time ticked over and the disappointment in not achieving anything piled up...and the chores as well...so it didn't actually help - just was an escape. I became trapped in this place and I couldn't get out. I'm not sure what changed - maybe the pending new year gave me hope of a fresh start....whatever it was, I am happy to say that I have broken out of it. I have cleaned the walls of the house (which were not clean when I moved in +6 months ago and hadn't been done in over 20 yrs) and got some furniture arranged in a more livable pattern. I am so proud of myself!!! The thoughts of whether or not this was fair on myself (feelings of being a victim) have dissipated too. I have gotten through 3 rooms and am now starting on the kitchen (one of the worst hit spots with the rodent droppings). And the feelings which stop me in my tracks has not arisen. Thank you for allowing me to express this here. Giving me "someone to talk to". Even though I do not expect a reply. Just the connection makes all the difference. I am not alone. Till next time. Live on!

[pipsy]

Hi C.S Trying the opiates suggests a means of escaping the reality of your lifestyle. Everyone tries escaping, some succeed. I would say most of the depression you're suffering is because you feel obliged to remain where you are and accept the lifestyle. Your depression was something he didn't understand and couldn't handle, so the drug intake began. Any sort of substance abuse lowers the libido, therefore the sexual urge is forgotten. Your depression became more full-on your mind became 'cloudy', depression does this, his drug abuse continued, he possibly thought sharing the drug with you would help you. You are now on an emotional merry-go-round and desperately need assistance to leave it. His rejection is purely and simply because he has no idea what's wrong or how to help you. He is obviously happy with the lifestyle and can't understand why you aren't. Are you seeing a Dr for support with the depression? C'link can help financially with relocating, but you would need to see them and fill out forms. They will assist you. Take it slowly as and when you are able. The first step would be to see your Dr for support with the depression. Once your mind clears of the depressive fog you are in, C'link will assist you financially with relocating. BB is always here to guide and support as and when you require. You're never on your own.

Lynda

[ChrissyStar]

Post Number: ? (Doesn't matter).

Hi, just checking in again. Today I am starting to clean the study. This is the most important room in the house (besides the kitchen) as it is where I will work on getting my small business up and running. The rats have really gotten into this one room and it is hard to confront. Additionally, I am unsure of where to put all my gear which means cleaning it & putting it (probably and possibly) back into the same spot! It doesn't really solve the problem. Sadly the problem is solved by rat poison which is a slow and painful death for the animals which I consider to be no different to myself. I have tried all sorts of ways of dealing with them but have found the only one that works is the rat poison. My bf has been away at work for a week which is paid. I was pretty happy about this as I have been supporting him for the past 3 months since i got paid (a largeish sum for the 2 weeks I worked). This money has finaly run out. Funnily enough I was suprised to find he has spent all the money on opiates when he was working. That really pisses me off - but hey, I have to accept the fact that this has been his thing long, long. LONG before i came on the scene and I can't expect him to have the same opinion as me about it - that it's a waste of time. I am really happy to say that my use has dropped off significantly and is on it's way to ceasing use all together - which I was able to do since he has been working away. One thing I hate about this whole thing, is that he is not my rock. I woudl realy really love to have my bf as my rock - rather then have to be my own rock. It's tiring. But I am so proud of myself for dropping my use so much when he is working away. Really proud. It gives me hope. Now all I have to do it wait for him to go to jail in a couple of months and I'll be able to stop all together. By then my study will be clean and I will (hopefully) happilly (?) working on getting my small business up and running. I will be opiate free + working on a stable income. YAY!!! I am getting there...slowly but surely. I haven't had that many depressive days where I can't get out of bed or wake up via a panic attack lately which is good - I've been listening to You Tube videos under "light language meditations" before sleep each night. It seems to be doing me the world of good - if it continues, miraculously so! I recommend it. Thank you to those who post such. Your work has been my saviour.

[ChrissyStar]

Thank you Pipsy for your reply. Although alot of it is extremely wrong (ie. my bf was using opiated 15 years before I came along so his use is def not because of me - in fact it's the opposite, my depression is due to my use and my use is because of his habit. Thus my desire to break up with him and move away.). However, your suggestion that opiates are an escape is something I wish to talk about. I began a reply in which I explained that opiates can be an escape but most of the time it is to physically feel euphoria. That is why I initially started. But the opiates I use now do not provide me with this - it is more like relaxation from drinking half a beer. This is a very accurate description because alcohol's effect is due to it activating the opiate receptors. I am Finnish by blood and alcoholism runs in my genes. I am not using alcohol to activate the opiate receptors but opiates to activate the opiate receptors. That is just the way it is. However, I did wish to discuss a fear I have which I believe may contribute to the addiction. I have a fear that I will be a slave to society. I witnessed severe unhappiness in my childhood. My father and mother were not really matched. They are opposites and it caused friction. I grew up vowing to myself I would never live in such a lifestyle. However, I was not unable to separate theirs from the 2.5 kids (average). Thus, I have an inherent fear of working, coming home, having a family - general living stuff. Sadly, I crave this and it is all I desire - a good man & kids. I am just so confused about it all. I need something to take away this decision I made as a child - the vow to never, ever get "married". It is really ruining my life and making me choose drug addicts and other dysfunctional partners. Please help! I need to release past decisions which no longer serve me. And believe that it is not too late.

[pipsy]

Dear ChrissyStar. My apologies for any misunderstanding your original post. When you mentioned the opiate use, you actually omitted to mention your bf had been using for 15 years. However, that's beside the point. Any sort of non-prescribed drug intake does create a 'euphoric or calm' feeling, which is why many people take recreational drugs. However the 'down side' means you need to keep taking them to keep the calm feeling. The alcohol intake causes the depression to 'kick in', the opiates relax you so you start feeling calm. The choices you make regarding your lifestyle are yours. Our parents often raise us the way they were raised, we grow, observe their interaction and decide either we want the same as they have or we want something different. Whether you choose to marry, have children etc is something only you choose. I made many wrong decisions about my life's partners and I am now in a relationship which suits me. The knowledge you have about your past partners should be able to guide you in meeting someone who could be better for you. If you have met your past partners in areas that promote drug/alcohol use, I would consider suggesting you try to avoid these areas and try less toxic areas. There are heaps of social groups where meeting people who are not so toxic might be better for you. Are you a social-type person or are you a type of introvert? Try 'googling' social clubs in your area.

Lynda

[ChrissyStar]

New day.....today I am observing that I have some kind of block in doing what: 1) Is best for me. 2) I enjoy most. I don't understand this. I have a great career (even if it's at the very beginning stages after education + experience in the field) + have undertaken a small business (in which I am the only employee). I need the study to work on this (I need a space to do so where i can lay out all the paperwork + display the appropriate books)....and after a recent rat infestation (which I have now got under control) it needs cleaning. I am at the end of cleaning it - but do you think I could get it done!!?? No way...I have been putting it off and off and off...watching movie after movie after movie....what is wrong with me!!!??? Is this a fear of success? WHY OH WHY would someone have a fear of success? Why would I have one - when I have so much potential. If it even a fear of success? Is it a fear of failure? It ain't gonna fail - (luckily) it's an assured thing. Do I not feel I deserve it? Geez, that hits home a little...maybe even a fear of being "better" (whatever that means) than my Dad (who I love and hates to be showed up). Oh, this sux. Why should I want to destroy my life so my father feels superior....when surely a successful daughter would mean even more superiority....or is it my mother who always told me horrible things my Dad said about me....which he said to hurt her (or get space from her). I just don't know. But would like to thank Beyond Blue for providing me a space where I can rant and ramble until I hit the nail on the head and then pull the rusty thing out!!! Any comments are way welcome. I'll get there. The sooner the better!!!! FOr all our sake - my job is the creation of utopia (permaculture) which we all need to survive on planet earth. Namaste.

[ChrissyStar]

Hiya Pipsy, how are you? Great I hope! I just thought I would provide you a little feedback regarding one of your posts. I can see that you enjoy helping others and that you put a lot of effort into paying attention to the information in posts, so I thought you might appreciate some feedback. I just wanted to let you
know that you may be able to have greater understanding and impact if you treat the interactions more like a conversation rather than stating facts about another person’s life. What I mean by this is instead of stating a fact, offer a suggestion or solution as part of a conversation. This would remove the possibility of getting it wrong (because instead of stating facts there would be suggesting scenarios) and also removing the statement style assures that the person will not take offense or take it personally. I believe that suggestion and conversation can have just as much, if not more impact as statement (which implies authority) because the person is more involved. Let me give you an example. When you assumed that my bf had just started taking opiates and that this was a result of my having depression, you stated this as a fact. However, in real life I am depressed because of the opiates and he has been taking them for 15 yrs before meeting me. In stating this belief, you made me feel like it was my fault that he was taking opiates. Even though I know it was a misunderstanding and not true, it was emotionally traumatic for me & offensive. I can see that if you had
taken the approach of having a conversation with me and thus made the suggestion that he was taking opiates because of my depression, then the authoritarian statements would have been
avoided and I would not have felt like it was my fault (which further compounds the depression). Interestingly, I just had this conversation with my mother, however with her it was about the difference between having a conversation with someone (where there is back and forth interaction) to telling someone (where one person talks and the other does not...this is of course the same authoritarian style which occurs in statements). She thanked me for pointing this out as she obviously values the conversation over the “telling someone” as it obviously has more meaning to both people and thus greater impact. I hope this helps. And once again, thank you for all your inputs, I greatly appreciate that you are here for me. Namaste.

[blondguy]

Hi ChrissyStar

You have chosen a forum with a great community and good on you.

I read about what you said about fear of success. You are absolutely spot on.....Its a normal fear of failure that is the issue which then can effect your ability to succeed...It also means you are human too 🙂

Great to have you as a member of the family on BB

my kind thoughts

Paul

[pipsy]

Dear ChrissyStar. I never suggested anything about your bf's opiate use being your fault. He chose to start using them, his choice, not yours. From your description, your depression is being compounded by his continued opiate use and this needs attention if you wish to remain with him. Depression can be overpowering and help is required as it clouds your mind and help is required to clear it. If his continued use of opiates is depressing you, and he is not listening to you, this is indeed sad and furthering your depression. I'm not suggesting he is to blame, nor you, you may have to accept that you may not be suited as a couple. However, only you would know that. I wholeheartedly apologize for any misunderstanding and hope this is acceptable. The merry-go-round of emotions here is really sad and knowing you have options available means you can choose what you want to do. I would never advise anyone to stay or leave a relationship as I don't have that right, some people posting on these forums (not to you), have stated that leaving is the best option. Sometimes 'time out' for breathing space can be invaluable as it gives both people involved a chance to see where they are. The effects of continued opiate use I referred to was actually in relation to your bf's use not you. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you well. Again, my sincere apologies.

Lynda

[ChrissyStar]

Today an old friend who I used to live with has popped up out of the blue and we are hanging out. It is great to just hang out with someone. I have so few people in my life because I live remotely. I never realised how much people mean to me. Without them their just seems no point. What is the point in getting dressed if there is no one to see what you wear? What is the point of working if there is no one to work for? What is the point of cooking a meal if there is no one to cook for?...and so on. What difference or impact does one person have if no one else will ever be affected by their actions - what is the point? Am I feeling like this because we are inherently communal beings and we live for each other, or because I don't have kids to live for, or because my disinterested boyfriend makes me feel like I don't exist or am a failure? Or is this just what happens when there is no one around? This is beyond "what's the point of putting make up on if no one sees you"...it's "what's the point of existing if you have no one in your life"? Any enlightenment on this topic would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

[ChrissyStar]

Finishing my last post left me in a state. I was feeling hopeless and dead inside. I couldn't find the point of living due to extreme loneliness and reached out asking if anyone could provide me a brighter outlook in my bleak state. Over the next day or so, I wondered if I would have a special email from the Beyond Blue forum moderators asking if I was going to kill myself....but no message. It obviously did not sound as bad as I felt - or they are able to pick up on whether or not the likelihood is high enough. Furthermore, I did not get even a reply to the post. I guess I did not communicate what I was feeling all that well. Maybe it sounded like a bit of fun or just a regular rant. Afterall & overall that is what I started and used this site for - a bit of a rant. How are peeps to know whether it's just another rant or deadly serious. Well, it all feels deadly serious to me - it's all very real. I rant to release. It's happening to me alright. And sometimes I can handle it, sometimes not so much. Amazingly in my despair a very old friend began to text me. Maybe this is why Beyond Blue forum did not respond - because life had other plans. He (my friend) is going through emotional relationship issues as well. We have been able to rant and console each other. Life is coming to my rescue. Naturally and beautifully. I love it when that happens. I have the ability to see the deeper meaning of things and can very clearly observe the elements in my life which are the natural world coming to my rescue. It would be called God if it was explained to a religious person. I just call it life. Thank you life for coming to my rescue. And providing me what I need.