I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

[hello_mae]

I had a realisation recently. As much as I've asked for it, help isn't coming. My friends and partner are busy with their work most days, I get to speak with my psychologist 1-2 times a month, and my psychiatrist every 3 months. I guess it's a good thing that my selfhood is actually multiple selves, multiple persons, multiple minds flowing through this one body, because in terms of actually healing, we're on our own. We've been trying to access EMDR, support workers to safely navigate our local community, NDIS over and over again, but they haven't helped. We're on our own - and that's both empowering and terrifying.

Tonight, it's definitely more terrifying. We've been sobbing a lot. It's so unfair. Our first major trauma, not counting the everyday neglect, started at 2 years old. We thought healing would be learning we could trust and depend on others, and in a way it is the case, but in a lot of ways it isn't. No one but us is here to rock our sobbing body and personhoods. How heartbreakingly lonely it is to be destroyed as a baby, and be the only one able to stitch yourself back together.

And - because there's always an "and" - that's okay. Everyday is a good day to do hard things. We can hurt and still show up for ourselves. These painful feelings are just that - feelings. They're experiences within our bodyminds. They're just a piece of our reality, not the entirety.

[Tonic]

Very Good words, Lily. Lot of us Damaged Goods have TRUST ISSUES, and were Used to Keeping SILENT about our woes. I broke The Silence aged 43, 36 Years Alone.

It was Very Exillerating to Trust Friends... "Why didn't you tell us this 20 YEARS AGO?" and the like. Help was At Hand, as you say, afraid to ASK, but then we survivors grew up feeling we did not DESERVE to ask for anyone's help. And the BRAVE FACE MASK as Kids and beyond, also...

Never too late to Look for Help and Trust. 🙂

[Tonic]

Hi Mae 🙂

Glad to hear your System is WORKING With/For you for the most part! davy8 the most Vocal, aged 8. He popped out one day and took over writing a mail to my one ex Girl Friend (((LYNNE))). He did it a lot, and she ended up writing to HIM as well, Snail Letters too, which he insisted I keep in a separate pile, they were HIS letters, not mine. 🙂 davy12 quiet but So STRONG - Sadistic predator...

50% of us Manic Depressives suffered one or more forms of child abuse. And we're RIGHT UP THERE with DID as well.

All I did was Listen to them, and made sure they knew they were LOVED, they had both felt SO unlovable and dirty, and that I was Delighted to have them Around. 🙂 They didn't KILL my Innocence.. just put it into a deep enchanted sleep for 36 years..

I have stood on the shoulders of Giants too, talking to Other DIDs Kids. Lily from Michigan had over a 100 personalities, and new ones emerging, old ones JOINING all the time. She had a whole TOWN in her head where they all lived and swapped in and out. Everyone had their Own place to live, but would sleep together if lonely. It had beautiful parks, and even an Amusement Park, but No SCARY Rides. 🙂

My Favourite (not supposed to have them) was  (((Kaelyn))), forever aged 6. She was the PROTECTOR Personality at THAT age! Took over when Jay the Host (Terminally Ill with MS) went inside a Lot , could not handle the misery. She was AWESOME!! Clever, Kind, BRAVE!, Resourseful, huge tollerence for Pain... I have 10 pictures she drew me on her tablet. They ALL Have a Shiny SUN in them. I miss her very much, Jay passed away aged 34. Single Mom, left a 14 year old Boy behind, Bobby. I Still Write to Him, he Knows what I meant to his Mom, chatting at 2am US East Coast Time when the world was asleep.. He wants to be a Structural Engineer, loves math and tech drawing and making things. I told him THAT was a Degree WORTH going into debt for, he'd Work it off in no time.

Lol with Lena from Ft Worth Texas, 3 or 4 personalities would push each other out to Talk to ME! 🙂 They DO so LOVE to be Heard! 🙂

Sorry I can't give more TIPS, it kind of just happened Naturally to me, but I was MANIC when davy8 came out, and it didn't panic or worry me at all.

Just LOVE them ALL. 🙂

[Tonic]

KAELYN (Add.)

Had some friends on Instant Messaging (still do), could call/chat me any time, and it would pop up on the screen, whatever I was doing. If it was Kaelyn Calling, message would open with

"hi hi ((((bruder))) hg hg hg (Hugs). (I was her Big Brother because she had always wanted a KIND Big Bro, she had been abused by ALL her Foster family.)

Once she called me up and asked me how I was doing. I said I was a BIT Mad and Loving it (very Productive times, for Healing also), and enjoying just DREAMING of becoming a Famous Writer.

"me hop yu du tu, dat be osum  but evn if yu NO do, yu still be famus to me 🙂 "

My Bit of PARENTING, but with the Perfect Child.. 🙂

[hello_mae]

Hi Eagle Ray!

We're so proud of you! We've never gotten to work with a professional on it, but have tried some practices intuitively that are inspired by somatic experiencing and TRE. Would absolutely love to work with a therapist trained in it that can hold space for us. 

Oh, those practices sound amazing! So glad you're able to bond with that darling cat. 

It definitely can be such a challenge; you're making wonderful progress! It's hard when the societal norm doesn't allow space to connect with others without first coming from a place of inward unity and wholeness. Grounding and connecting with nature is so helpful! That shift in perspective that they bring is powerful.

That's incredible! 😊 It's so wonderful to hear that your protector and inner child parts are coming home to each other.

Warm wishes,

Mae

[hello_mae]

Hi Tonic!!

We feel so honoured to hear about your lovely relationships. ☺️ It's amazing the impact they and their love can have on us 💜

[hello_mae]

Unfortunately, our lease since 2020 has been unexpectedly terminated. We have to be out by August 19, and dealing with short term rentals for a while.

Parts of us are feeling terrified, confused, unstable, and crazy. We chronically experience hallucinations and severe dissociation, but this time our grounding, mindfulness, and loving presence is doing nothing to ease them.

In a year's time, now will feel like an eternity ago. Until then, we'll have courage. We can do hard things.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Mae,

Thank you so much for your kind words! I am proud of you all too! I can hear the courage and goodness and care in you and it is lovely to read of how you are working as a team in the processes of healing.

With the somatic therapy, I searched for a practitioner who did somatic experiencing. I actually tried a few before I settled on her. I think you really need someone you feel comfortable with and is on the same page/wavelength.

I agree with you about societal norms. I think society is quite out of touch with the experiences of grounding, wholeness and somatic awareness. It is so incredibly helpful to be in touch with those things.

Thank you regarding the protector in me. She is getting stronger and I am finding myself being calmer and more assertive in situations where before I would kind of panic and collapse/dissociate. My system is definitely making changes and my inner child is beginning to be cared for.

I am really sorry to hear about the lease being unexpectedly terminated. I can really understand how that would be unsettling. Housing is quite a challenging area at the moment, to say the least. On the positive side, perhaps it may open up some new opportunities and experiences living in new places. Before I moved to where I now live in the country I lived in ten different rentals and I did get something out of each place, including connecting with local parks, lakes and nature areas. So you may get to discover some new places. I wish you all the very best for your next home and I hope everything goes smoothly.

All the very best 🙏😊