I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

[hello_mae]

I had a realisation recently. As much as I've asked for it, help isn't coming. My friends and partner are busy with their work most days, I get to speak with my psychologist 1-2 times a month, and my psychiatrist every 3 months. I guess it's a good thing that my selfhood is actually multiple selves, multiple persons, multiple minds flowing through this one body, because in terms of actually healing, we're on our own. We've been trying to access EMDR, support workers to safely navigate our local community, NDIS over and over again, but they haven't helped. We're on our own - and that's both empowering and terrifying.

Tonight, it's definitely more terrifying. We've been sobbing a lot. It's so unfair. Our first major trauma, not counting the everyday neglect, started at 2 years old. We thought healing would be learning we could trust and depend on others, and in a way it is the case, but in a lot of ways it isn't. No one but us is here to rock our sobbing body and personhoods. How heartbreakingly lonely it is to be destroyed as a baby, and be the only one able to stitch yourself back together.

And - because there's always an "and" - that's okay. Everyday is a good day to do hard things. We can hurt and still show up for ourselves. These painful feelings are just that - feelings. They're experiences within our bodyminds. They're just a piece of our reality, not the entirety.

[hello_mae]

Today we meditated through backwards walking to help heal and connect our left and right brain hemispheres.

We hold identical tactile stimulus toys in each hand (today it was stress balls) and take small, slow steps when walking backward. As we moved and planted our left foot, we squeezed the left stress ball, directing mindful awareness towards that hand and foot. Then we do the same on the right side, and go left and right as we walk backwards.

When we reach the point where we turn around and walk back, we then do it on alternating sides. We gradually squeeze the right stress ball when moving the left foot, and the left stress ball when moving the right foot. We paired this movement with breathwork and vocal vibrations.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear hello_mae,

Thank you for sharing your experience of multiple selves. It makes sense what you say about feeling things are both empowering and terrifying for the selves right now. I have felt very alone and isolated at times in the processing and healing from past trauma. But I do get the empowering part, because when left to our own devices we find resources within and creative ways of healing ourselves. I love the idea of the backwards walking. There are so many ways to teach our minds and bodies new ways of feeling and being and to recalibrate ourselves. It can be incremental, especially where trauma is involved, but it is that gentle, gradual shifting that brings about consolidated change over time. I love what you say that, “We can hurt and still show up for ourselves”. That’s a beautiful thought. And also it’s so important what you say about a past trauma just being a piece of our reality, not the entirety.

I think using movement, breathwork and vocal vibrations as you describe can be incredibly healing for trauma. I find those somatic approaches actually often make a much bigger difference than just talking as a way of trying to process things and actually heal. I’ve had huge benefits myself from somatic approaches to trauma.

Thank you again for sharing your experiences as it helped me reading them. I’m sorry for what your selves had to endure in the past. I hope you keep evolving towards a healed and peaceful place and it truly feels like you are on that path.

Warm wishes,

Eagle Ray

[Tonic]

Hi Mae and Ray...

Mae, are you actually DID? I am. Inner 8 year old and a 12 year old too. Sheared off from the HOST in Trauma.

MOSTLY re-integrated into me now - but still moods of very Child like Joy and enthusiasm that were Shut Away from me for decades. Glad to have them WITH ME, not in the DARK any more. 🙂

Good Luck with ALL you do to Heal, Everything is Worth a Try. What works for Me may not work for Someone else.. But MIGHT..

CHeers

Tonic

[BlueLily]

Hi hello_mae,

Thanks for sharing your empowering story. Sorry to hear that you haven't got help despite trying so many avenues. 

It's great to hear that you have a psychologist and a psychiatrist guiding you with your journey. I find your statement "Everyday is a good day to do hard things" is very empowering to get up and push yourself to do the most difficult things despite what you are going through.

However, I refuse to believe the statement "As much as I've asked for it, help isn't coming". Help is there around us, may be it's late, may be it's shy. But it's there and it will come. When I was going through the most difficult time mentally, I tried to put on a brave face and not talk about it to people around me out of fear. I felt like I didn't have help. Later, I recognised empathetic people around me and I became more and more vocal about what I was going through. Then help started to flow like a stream. 

I hope you get the help you are seeking for...

[hello_mae]

We've been using mirrors to help expand our sense of loving presence and ease experiences of dissociation. Through the reflections, we, as observational selves, see our experiential selves. None of us have ever really identified with our body, but we're shifting from a space of fear, to curiosity and compassion. Kind of like, "I don't identify as you, but I see you, love you, and am grateful to share this life with you".

[hello_mae]

Hi Ray!

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support ^_^

It's truly amazing the difference that somatic approaches can make. Our bodies hold so much wisdom, and it's such a gift to get the opportunity to know them. What somatic practices have worked for you?

I hope you're doing well.

~ Mae

[hello_mae]

Hi Tonic!

Yes we are, though we prefer "plural" as, we believe, there's nothing all that disordered about doing whatever needs to be done to survive trauma. Hello to your darling inner children!! ❤️ We're so glad that their joy and enthusiasm was protected. We have a few younger ones in our system too, ranging from infancy to teenagers.

No pressure at all if you'd rather not share, but we'd love to hear about what works for you ^_^

~Mae

[hello_mae]

Hi BlueLily!

Thank you for your reply, and for sharing some of your story ❤️

You're right, help is always there. I guess it's that we were hoping for more direct help, or that it would look at certain way, but that limits our ability to see what's there. Like our partner is getting a day off soon and we will be going to the local mangroves for a walk and to enjoy the time in nature. Not only is that a wonderful experience, but it "refills the well" so to speak, meaning we have greater capacity for awareness and attunement with ourselves when we're on our own.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Mae!

The most helpful somatic approach for me has been Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing approach. I have also done TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises) developed by David Berceli which was very effective, but didn’t lead to quite the same lasting transformations as Somatic Experiencing. I’m still a work in progress, but have had major breakthroughs in my breathing becoming more normal and regulating and my system beginning to have a sense of safety, at least some of the time. I find time with good people and animals really helpful too - co-regulation. Like right now I have a fluffy cat sitting on me and purring! It’s very beneficial 🐱🥰 

The mirror work sounds so interesting. It is lovely to work with that loving presence. I’ve struggled to provide that for myself while being very focussed on others. I’m now trying to include myself. I can relate to not really identifying with the body. I have been mostly dissociated throughout my life. It has been my normal. But like you I am looking at ways to ease it. Grounding and connecting in nature helps me a lot.

I don’t have plural selves quite as you do, but I have parts for sure. I have a child self I am only just learning to protect. The protector in me was not developed before, lost to dissociation.

It’s quite a journey isn’t it. I’m really enjoying hearing about how your selves are finding new ways and strategies to heal, and that you can support one another through that process.

Very best wishes,

Eagle Ray